Chapter Nineteen
Dusty
“Your music means so much to me,” a fan told me as we took a selfie towards the end of the meet and greet.
“Thank you. That’s why I continue to make music,” I replied.
They weren’t pretty words. It was the truth. Sometimes the pressures of this industry got to me, especially when people were mean. Those who expressed how much my music meant to them helped keep me going.
Finally, I took pictures with the last person in line. I looked around to see if there was anyone else.
“Did we do a last call, Kace?” I asked, not wanting anyone to be left out.
Kace nodded. “I did. Twice. The club manager repeated it in like seventeen languages.”
“Okay, great, thanks.”
Tyrell handed me a bottle of water. “We’ll start the mini set in a few minutes?”
“Perfect.” I had a long drink.
Kace hustled off to make the announcement.
I wasn’t sure where Carlos, Hale, and Fiona had gone off to. Saoirse, however, watched me, as she leaned against the wall in the corner. Like previously, she wore a black jacket and black pants, white blouse open just a button more than the boardroom, but not enough to be too revealing.
She looked so sexy, even if she screamed danger. All she needed was to be picking her fingernails with a dagger–or for someone to walk by and hand off a briefcase.
I checked my phone. My friend and fellow musician Beefy Pot Roast sent me a video message with well wishes for tonight, which made me smile. We met online while I was still at university and became fast friends. Our collaborations were often and a lot of fun.
A text caught my eye. Saoirse sent me an apology. That was unexpected. I'll take it. Still, I’m sure I deserved to be yelled at. I texted her back.
Me
It’s all good. I’m sorry for pushing you.
Looking over, I met her gaze as she pulled her phone out of her pocket. Later, I’d apologize in person, but I wanted to acknowledge her text, given she’d sent it some time ago.
The last thing I wanted was her thinking I was mad at her.
Glancing at her phone, she looked up, eyes finding mine. She nodded slowly. I nodded back.
Kace hustled over to me. “They’re ready when you are.”
“Thank you.” Following Kace, I waved to everyone and got up on the small stage by the dance floor, where equipment had already been set up, and my tablet plugged in.
The crowd went wild, waving and cheering, which filled me with such joy. This was how I helped take care of people as an alpha–making happiness.
“Good evening, Lovely Fuckers!” I waved at everyone “It’s so nice to see you here tonight.”
Most everyone was out in their club finery, probably preparing to head to the festival.
“It’s Christmas Eve, so let’s get this party started. Who wants to ride a pole tonight?” I started off with the intro to Jingle Balls, then went right into Fuckboy Santa, because nothing said Christmas like Santa’s sack.
“They call me Santa with my sack full…” I started to sing.
People sang and danced, the energy festive. Carlos, Fiona, and Hale appeared and were near the front of the stage now.
My eyes flickered back over to Saoirse, who now stood by one of the speakers, watching both me and Fiona, ever the protector.
All through the meet and greet something had tickled at the back of my mind, and continued as I moved from that into Eat More Pussy, which was the song everyone always wanted to hear.
Well, one of them, then I went into Cocksucker.
Then, I allowed the idea to take route as the song finished. “Bear with me while I try something new.”
“Hey, I wanna hear that song from your sound check,” someone shouted.
“I was thinking of something entirely new,” I continued, adding in bits and pieces of music, creating something new as I went along.
“This job, me being here making music for you, has also taught me a lot of things over the years. This is a song about being sorry and learning from your mistakes, because we all want to be the best version of ourselves, right?”
The crowd cheered, nodding, a few chanting BroKen, BroKen.
“We’re all people who just want to make some good in the world and be our best,” I added, continuing to build the music, watching their response, fixing things when it wasn’t quite right.
Turning my attention back to Saoirse, I begin to sing, pouring my heart out in a little rap.
The beats intertwined around us, as I let her know that I appreciated her, that I heard her, that I was sorry, that I took accountability for my actions, and would do better going forward.
Even though I meant no harm, I’d caused it, and I acknowledged that hurt.
But I also kept things short and vague so as to not embarrass her too much.
Going back-and-forth, to watch my fans, I continued to gauge their reactions.
I knew there were a few things I would change if I ever did this again, but I was pretty happy with it.
After finishing, I shifted into Guacamole.
Mostly because this was when Tyrell liked to throw chips at the crowd, and I knew he had some.
Finally, I started the intro for Bang, Bang, Boom, because it was time to end our time together.
“I look forward to seeing you at Winter-Fest tonight. Thank you so much for coming out, Lovely Fuckers. Remember, be a Ken, not a Dick.”
I played the last song, the crowd singing along, as Kace and Tyrell threw shirts at them, Bailey livestreaming it on her phone.
When the last strains ended, the crowd cheered again. A few people asked for more.
“Sorry. Gotta get ready for tonight,” I apologized.
I chatted with a few fans, as security started getting everyone to leave. Finally, Kace grabbed me.
“Sorry, but BroKen has to get going,” Kace told them as they led me off.
“That new song was great.” Tyrell handed me a towel.
“Thanks. Bailey caught it right? Because I want to remember that.” I wiped my sweaty chest. While I’d come into the club wearing a T-shirt, that had come off before the meet and greet, since most people wanted shirtless BroKen.
Saoirse still leaned against one of the speakers. I went up to her.
“I’m so sorry for crossing a line,” I apologized.
“I never ever want you to feel like I’m pushing you.
I like you a lot, but I understand that I went too far.
I respect that you don’t have the same feelings for me.
If me staying here will make things too awkward, I can leave after my set.
It’s not a problem.” They could have the villa and the car.
My moms would love to find me passed out under the tree Christmas morning.
Her blue eyes widened. “No, I’m the one who’s sorry.
This is your time, your show. Don’t leave.
You didn’t go too far. I did. There was no need for me to yell.
There was no need for me to be hurtful. I could find better ways to say what I felt, since what I said wasn’t true at all.
You are not worthless. Though I meant what I said about my life not being compatible with yours. ”
Her words slowly sank into my brain. Oh? She didn’t think it was my fault?
“Thank you, but I did cross the line. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have felt like you needed to shout at me, and say those things.”
Still, her saying You are not worthless was everything.
She shook her head. “I shouted because you said things I didn’t want to hear.
Regardless of my visceral reaction, I really shouldn’t have yelled at you.
Especially because it’s your big night; I don’t want to interrupt your process.
I know if someone yelled at me like that before a big job, I probably would hit them, then shoot at something. ”
“That is good to know.” I could only imagine.
Wow. Her vulnerability and how freely she spoke, took me aback. She wasn’t usually like this, and it made me very happy that she felt so comfortable with me.
I placed one arm on the speaker, leaning in next to her, not quite trapping her, but definitely getting in her space. Part of me liked being this close. The other part of me knew I was playing with fire. But I didn’t mind a little heat.
“I’ll accept your apology, if you accept mine,” I murmured, my glasses threatening to slide down my nose.
Saoirse gave me a look. “I meant it when I said we can’t do this anymore. You’re a nice guy. A funny, impossible, ridiculous, nice guy–especially for an alpha. But like I said, us as a couple won’t work, and it’s probably better if we stop our clandestine rendezvous.”
I didn’t move and she didn’t push me away. I’d have expected her to put her hand in the center of my chest to shove me. Perhaps even call me a dumbfuck or something.
But she didn’t.
“Noted. As much as I enjoy our clandestine rendezvous, I don’t want to push you into anything. I’m sorry if it felt that way. I hope we can still be friends?” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hale, Carlos, and Fiona by the bar.
Yes, staying friends with her would be a good thing. Would I rather her be my girlfriend? Yes. But I got it.
Her gaze followed mine. “I think we can do that. I could use a friend that makes me laugh.”
“I make you laugh?” The idea made me giddy with happiness.
She chuckled. “You do. Also, I do love your slutty little glasses.”
“You think they’re slutty?” I waggled my eyebrows, happy I wore my nice glasses. “Carlos says they’re nerd glasses.”
“Carlos isn’t exactly a fashionista.” She laughed.
Kace’s words about issues came back to me, and I stared at her for a long moment.
“Will you tell me about it sometime?” I asked.
“The alpha that made you not like alphas? That’s part of what this is, right?
There was someone who hurt you, wasn’t there?
Well, that, shitty family, and whatever rules your super assassin club has, and probably elements of safety involved with being with a civilian. ”
“It’s complicated and there’s a lot involved. Yes, there have been some major alphaholes in my life. It’s easier to think all alphas are arseholes, because I’m less likely to get hurt. You make me challenge that thinking and I don’t like it. It’s uncomfortable.” Her eyebrows furrowed.