Chapter 36
Ihurt Pippa so much.
She’s lost weight and she’s pale. Not even the sea air is making her cheeks glow the way they used to. It’s clear she’s doing the bare minimum to take care of herself.
I did this.
This is all my fault.
“After I’ve finished, if you want to walk away then I’ll respect that. I just hope you believe me when I say I’m truly sorry for what I did, and if I could turn back the clock I’d never have left.”
She blinks back tears and nods. “Okay.”
“I love you, Pippa. There’s no one else for me but you.”
Pippa sucks on her bottom lip and drops her gaze.
“I didn’t tell you the full story about what happened when Dad walked in on Lucas and Mum.”
Her brows dip.
“You know we left a week later. That week was so full of nastiness, and it was so toxic. Not just between Mum and Dad.”
“Oh, Deacon,” she whispers.
“Mum was angry that I decided to go with Dad. We had argument after argument over it. I don’t know why she thought I’d take her side, but she told me that Dad was her soulmate and I’d ruined everything by being born.”
Tears well in her eyes.
“She took no responsibility, and she blamed me for bringing Lucas into our lives.”
Pippa reaches for my hand. “What? You two were friends since you were in primary school.”
I shrug. “She blew up our family and then refused to take any blame. I should have seen a therapist or something—both Dad and I should have. But we just moved away from the problem.”
Tension eats at my stomach. “There’s something else I need to tell you. Lucas doesn’t know this—no one does.” I give her hand a squeeze. “Dad was such a mess. He worked himself to the bone in his new job trying to forget Mum. I wanted this drinks company to take off so badly so I could help him retire—although he was so stubborn, and I’m not sure he would have. It did, but it was too late. He killed himself.”
Tears roll down her cheeks, and I wipe them away with my fingers.
“She spent so many years tearing him down and telling him he wasn’t enough. And then the night before our wedding …”
She squeezes my fingers. “She showed up.”
“She got into my head, and I let her. I’m so sorry, Pippa. Maybe if I’d dealt with it back then, I wouldn’t have been so easy for her to get to. But I felt like that vulnerable young man whose parents’ marriage had exploded all over again, and I didn’t shut her down like I should have.”
Pippa swipes away the tears that have rolled down her cheeks.
“I drained the minibar. And I made the worst decision of my life. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. You never gave me a reason not to.”
I’m such a bastard. I should have gone to her that night and talked to her about it. Even if I had doubts, I should have spoken to Pippa and trusted her.
My lack of trust and the urge to get revenge on Lucas bubbled away in the background, and when Mum pressed the right button, I blew up my own life. Pippa was collateral damage.
“I love you, Pippa, and I never stopped no matter how things looked. It’s been you since the moment you walked into my office.”
Her smile is faint but it’s there.
“You were never meant to be my PA.”
She barks out a laugh. “What?”
“I saw your recruitment office file. And at first, I thought how much Lucas would hate it if we got together, but once you stepped foot in my office, I was a goner.”
Her face falls. “You were going to use me to get back at Lucas?”
“No.” I lace our fingers. “I had a brief thought before squashing it because I couldn’t do that to you. And like the greedy man I am when it comes to you, I told Garrett he could have Simone because you were mine.”
Her sapphire blue eyes study me closely. “Who was I to you?”
I curl my lips into a smile. “My Pipsqueak.”
She laughs, and it’s glorious. I never want to make her cry again.
“It didn’t take me long to realise I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” I raise our joined hands to my lips and kiss the back of hers. “And then I let her get into my head.”
Pippa draws closer before leaning her head on my shoulder. “I hate her.”
I kiss the top of her head. “Me too. Lucas told me the whole story of how they ended up together. She’s a predator.”
Raising her head, she meets my gaze. “What do you mean?”
“She abused your brother for years. He was just … I don’t know … immature and flattered by the attention. But it started when he was young, and I had no idea.”
Her eyes search mine. “I don’t understand. How could that happen right under everyone’s noses?”
I sigh. “I’m not sure, but I believe Lucas. And I’ll never let that woman into our lives ever again. I told him he should speak to the authorities. It might be too late to do anything about her, but he won’t know until he tries.”
“You’re a good man,” she whispers.
“I want to be your man again.”
Pippa buries her face in my neck. “I’m so scared.”
I close my eyes, breathing in the scent of her skin and raising my hand to stroke her cheek. “I know.”
“I love you so much. I don’t know if I’ll survive you breaking my heart again.”
My chest tightens. What I did to my woman will haunt me the rest of my days. “You might not believe my promises yet, but I swear I’ll never hurt you again. I’m pointless without you.”
“What about all the partying you did when you were away?”
I run my hand down her spine. “Smoke and mirrors. I was miserable. All I wanted was you. I’m not interested in any woman other than you.”
She raises her head. Her eyes are more blue than green today. I always loved the way they look different all the time. She’s so beautiful, and I’m so close to making her mine again.
Pippa swallows hard. “And Adeline?”
“I took care of that.”
“She called me and apologised.”
I smirk, and Pippa’s mouth falls open.
“I warned her at the time not to use that photo to hurt you. She didn’t listen.” I pop a kiss on her forehead. “She just missed out on what could have been a big modelling job for her with Jacob Preston.”
“No.” Pippa’s eyes are wide.
“After we dumped her, she tried her luck. Jacob was going to offer her the work, but he wasn’t happy she hurt you.”
“I can’t believe it.”
I tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. “Believe it, Pip. I’m here for you, and I’m sorry it hasn’t always been that way. I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for it if you’ll let me.”
Pippa leans back and scrubs her face with her hand. “This is all so much. I need to think. Can I give dinner a miss and sleep on it?”
Disappointment floods my veins, but she’s right. She’s just had all this information dumped on her, and I’m still reluctant to push her too hard. “Of course. How about we have that dinner tomorrow. And you can ask me anything.”
She smiles, and for the first time since I’ve been here, the smile reaches her eyes. This afternoon was a big move in the right direction—not as far as I would like, but we made progress and that’s what matters.
“I’ll walk you home.” I stand and offer her my hand.
“I’m right next door.”
I nod. “I know, but it’s my job to make sure you get home safe.”
She hesitates for a moment before taking my offered hand and standing. For a beat, I gaze into her eyes, soaking in the sight of her.
I’m such an idiot.
“I love you, Pippa.”
Her gaze drops, as does my stomach.
“Let’s go.” I continue, ignoring that she’s said nothing.
As we make our way across the sand, still hand in hand, my heart thuds. I want this walk to last forever.
The thought of saying goodbye to her hangs heavy over me.
We reach the door of her house all too soon, and she turns, finally speaking. “It’s not that I don’t love you …”
I nod. “I know. I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, I press a long kiss to her forehead. “I just want you to know, Pip, from the day you walked into my office, it was you. It’ll only ever be you.”
As I pull away, she meets my gaze—tears in her eyes—and nods.
My heart swells with all the love I have for her. I’d like nothing more than to throw her over my shoulder and carry her into the bedroom.
But I need to wait and be patient.
And hope to hell she forgives me.