18. Charli
CHARLI
Even though we’re just friends, a movie in the park feels very date-like. I’m not sure how much more I’m ready for yet. My therapist told me that I need to be able to communicate my needs and right now, I don’t know what they are.
Maybe being compatible as friends is a good starting point then?
I want to be with someone who likes to do things together, who shares some of my interests.
I certainly like the attention I’m getting from Gage.
It feels exciting, those first flutters of something new blossoming.
Admittedly, I’m extremely physically attracted to him.
So, I dress up a bit more for going out in Port City.
That means shorts with a button, a cute cropped top, sandals, a little makeup, and wearing my hair down.
I’m supposed to meet him at six, so that we can get there early and choose a good spot for viewing.
He told me to leave everything else to him.
I can’t help but compare him to Tyler, who hadn’t planned a date in years, unless you count making dinner reservations on an app.
Gage has a large bag in the back of his truck when he arrives to pick me up. He hops out to greet me and he looks good, in green chino shorts and a white button-down shirt with vertical stripes. Pair that with the blonde hair, broad chest, and tan skin, it’s a win.
“Hey, this should be a fun night,” he calls out to me as I walk down the path to meet him. “Look at you all dressed up,” he adds with a laugh.
“Oh my God, stop. You sound like everyone else when I wear regular clothes.” I swat at his arm as he opens the door for me.
He grins at me from behind his sunglasses. He reaches over and squeezes my knee, leaning into my space, his beachy and cedarwood scent filling the cab. “I meant it as a compliment. You look really cute,” he says as his voice lowers an octave.
Ooh. That deep tone makes me melt a little. “Thanks, you look nice too.”
The truck roars to life as he starts the ignition. Then, he reaches behind my seat, one hand on the wheel, to look over his shoulder as he backs up, before heading down the road, his easy confidence apparent. Why is it so damn sexy?
He gets animated as he tells me about his charters on the short drive to the city.
We find a parking spot close to the park.
A hum of excitement is in the air giving feelings of summertime in the city.
Music plays in the distance from an open-air bar patio.
Groups of people are milling about on the sidewalk near the entrance.
A steady stream of cars passes by us as we walk to our destination.
There are lights strung up along the edges where the tree line begins on the park borders.
He puts his hand on my lower back when we’re in line to enter the space.
A huge screen is hung in front of the pavilion.
People are already set up with chairs and blankets ready for the movie.
Dogs and kids wander around, adding a little chaos.
It’s nothing fancy, but I’m nearly overwhelmed.
I lean closer into Gage, and he holds me to his side.
He bends down to my ear, asking, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m happy we’re here together tonight.” I sniff a little, suddenly feeling embarrassed. I begged for years to take a trip that I would plan completely. And Gage organizes one night out and I’m emotional. Have I been that starved for attention?
He ushers us to the side of the line and sets down the bag to focus on me. “Hey, we can go back to Seascape if you don’t want to be here.”
I wipe under my eyes. “No, that’s not it at all.”
His eyes are full of concern as he stares into my face. “Are you sure?”
I nod and look down, fiddling with my fingernails. He lifts my chin with his fingertip.
“Charli?”
I take a deep breath. “I really appreciate that you organized this for me— I mean, for us.”
“Hey,” he pulls me into his broad chest and I press my face into him, enjoying the stillness for a moment.
One of his hands drifts up into the hair at the base of my neck and the other rubs circles on my back.
I will myself not to cry and cling to the front of his shirt. My breathing evens out finally.
I pull back and wipe my hands across my face. “Let’s go find a spot to sit.”
He takes my hand and I follow along until we settle on a clear space toward the back. Gage sets out the blanket for us and we snuggle up together. “What movie are we watching tonight?” I ask.
“I think it’s Top Gun, the original.”
“I love that one,” I say, smiling up at him. “Can we have some of the food now?”
“Of course.” He scoots over and begins to pull out items from the deep bag. There’s all my favorites: wrapped hot sandwiches from Nonno’s, drinks, and dill pickle chips.
I get up onto my knees and try to peek around him toward the bag. “What else is in there?”
“What do you think you’re doing?” he says as he takes me by the shoulders and makes me sit back down.
“How do you have all my favorite things?” I ask, leaning in, only inches from his face. His breath on my cheek makes me realize how close I am.
“I may have stopped by the café and talked to Oliver a bit,” he answers as he passes me a sandwich. “One hot Italian panini for you and one organic soda.” He presses his lips together. “You might be able to have the dill pickle chips all to yourself.”
“Hey, you might like them.” I grab his hand and hold it tightly before I reach out to hug him. My lips graze the side of his neck as we both turn our heads. “Thank you for everything tonight,” I whisper.
His cheek expands as he smiles against mine. “I wanted to make it nice for you.”
A horn jangles announcing the start of the show. We linger in the hug for a long minute before we pull apart.
We enjoy our food and Gage even eats a few chips.
He packs away our leftovers and we lean back onto the blanket, propping ourselves up on a large beach towel pillow.
I’m settled into the crook of his shoulder, and we’re side by side, the length of our bodies touching.
It’s a simple evening but so special to me because he made the effort.
Before the end of the movie, he sits up abruptly.
“Damn.”
“What?” I hiss out.
Someone near us shushes us.
“I forgot the dessert,” he whispers to me.
“That’s okay, I’m still a little full.”
We get shushed again.
“I got you whoopie pies.”
“Well, I always have room for those. Want to share one?”
The lights from the projector catch his handsome features in the light as he fishes out the treat. My heart stutters in my chest. This isn’t how you feel about a friend.
He hands me the wrapped confection. I peel back the cellophane and groan at the sweet smell of the frosting and the chocolaty scent of the cake. I take the first bite, my eyes drift shut and it melts in my mouth. “So good,” I moan.
I open my eyes slowly and he’s looking at my mouth hungrily. I pass it to him and we alternate bites until it’s gone.
He pops the last morsel in his mouth and says, “Wow, that was amazing.”
I nod my head, but I can’t help but stare at his mouth. His lips are full and the hard lines of his jaw work while he chews. The scruff would tickle my skin if we were kissing.
The movie ends just as we finish. We’re face to face after sharing our dessert. I think he might kiss me but instead he pushes my hair behind my ear. “Are you ready to go?”
Defeated, I smile back at him. He gathers up the things, takes my hand and we return to the Jeep to go home.
* * *
The next afternoon, I'm getting ready to go to the gym, when I get a text from Tyler.
Tyler: Hey- hope your summer is going well.
Me: Yes, summer is going well. Business is good. I’m focusing on myself.
Tyler: Great. I’m happy for you. I feel bad about how we left things.
Ugh. Now, after weeks of not speaking and me thinking we were done. I flop on my bed half-dressed.
Me: I was so determined to be different from my mom, that I lost myself in the process. Agreeing with you and doing things your way was easy for me too, until I couldn't do it anymore.
Tyler: I assumed that what we dreamed about as kids was what you still wanted.
ASSUMED.
Me: People change.
Tyler: I thought you were it for me, so I guess I should have put in more effort to keep you happy. It was always so easy with you.
Me: Until it wasn’t.
Tyler: I took you and what we had for granted.
Me: We have some good memories, but we need to move on.
Tyler: I’ve met someone.
Holy shit. Why am I panicking? The nerves in my belly start up. Just breathe. What am I going to say? I like someone else too. Fuck. Take the high road.
Me: Good for you. I hope that you’re happy too. I wish you the best.
Tyler: Thanks. You’re still special to me.
I should block him on my phone. Screw the gym, I’m going to go for a run, even though I hate running.
So I run.
I run all the way to Seal Rock Beach.
And then instead of running back, I strip off my sneakers and walk out in the brisk water fully dressed in my shorts and tank top, and swim out towards the rock cropping.
I probably should have told someone I was coming here.
I could drown or the seals could take me in as one of their own.
The beach is deserted but for three seals on the boulders.
It’s getting foggy. I flip to my back and float, looking up at the dull gray sky filled with clouds.
The waves slap at my body and salty droplets flick onto my face.
I need to admit that I’m changing. Changing is okay, it just feels different.
I wasn’t happy with Tyler making choices for us, for me, and expecting it to be okay.
I’m making changes in my life too. I’m going to travel.
I’m going to date someone I like. I am resolved.
Dipping underwater, I float slowly to the surface.
The seals are watching me warily. And I get it.
I’m acting weird. I swim ashore, tired and wet.
I squeeze out my hair and try to drip dry and redo my shoes.
I don’t have it in me to run, so I walk home.
The water is still dripping off me and now the wind is picking up.
Great. I hope not too many cars pass me. I must look frightful.
I say my mantra to myself on repeat during the trek.
You are your own person.
You are loved.
You are enough.
But, I don’t go home, I walk to the docks. Thankfully, the weather has left the area pretty deserted. Even in my state, I don’t want to bump into anyone and explain what I’m doing fully dressed and soaking wet.
I arrive at the pier and see Wanderlust’s cabin is open and I shout, “Hey, Gage are you home?”
“Just a minute.” Seconds later he climbs up the steps wearing only a pair of shorts, those fucking gray shorts. God, his package is staring me in the face. “Why are you all wet?”
I’m suddenly cold and my teeth are chattering. “I went for a run and then I went swimming.”
A look of concern washes over his features as he looks me over. A shiver runs up my spine. He steps up to the deck and pulls the lines in so that I can board. His arm muscles contract and his abs ripple as he brings the line up to his chest.
“You need a hot shower and some dry clothes.” He drags me down below and rustles around in his cabin looking for something I can wear.
I stand there dripping all over the floor, feeling like a fool. This is not the look to go for when you decide to shoot your shot.
“Okay, here’s a t-shirt and a pair of sweats.”
My hand shakes as I reach for them.
He pulls them back, before saying, “Go shower and I’ll leave these in the aft cabin for you to change when you're done. I’ll wait out here for you. Let me just grab you a towel.”
I nod my head silently, feeling unsure of my choice to come here instead of going home.
It’s as if he reads my mind and he pulls me into his arms as I let out a small cry. He rubs my back and I wrap myself around him. “Shh, it’s okay, whatever it is.”
I hiccup another cry, “I’m getting you all wet.”
“I don’t care.” He presses me to his strong chest and I let myself go. He cocoons me in his embrace, his warmth radiating into my chilled body.
After a long pause, I loosen my hold and wipe my face. “I’ll go change now.”
I strip off my wet items and lay them in a heap on the floor of the head. The hot water relaxes me as I lather up with his soap. I’m going to smell like him now.
Emerging from the small room wrapped in a large blue towel, a cloud of steam billows out around me. He pops up from the bench to check me over.
“Any better?”
“Yes,” I sigh. I’m such an idiot. I know my face is splotchy from crying and I’m just so tired now. He cups my face in his large hands. “Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll make you some food.”
I pad to the back cabin and pull on his clothes. I’m swimming in them, but the pants have a tie thankfully.
When I walk out to the main area, he’s donned a t-shirt and is at the galley making a pot of box mac and cheese. He gives me a sheepish smile. “I wasn’t ready for company tonight.”
“It’s perfect,” I answer as I perch on the built-in bench and watch him cook.
After we eat, and he cleans up the kitchen area, there’s an awkward pause. The rain has sputtered to a light drizzle and the foghorn bleats in the distance. The docks creak and groan next to us.
“What next?” he asks, eyeing me from across the table.
“I don’t want to be alone tonight,” I blurt out.
His eyes widen at me. He opens his mouth, then closes it again.
“It’s okay, I can go home now. It's not raining that much.”
“No, that’s not it, it’s getting dark anyway,” he stammers. “Do you want to stay here or do you want me to come to your place?” He blinks at me waiting for my response.
I bite my lip. “I have to work in the morning, so I’ll have to change at some point. I can just go. I’m being ridiculous.”
I attempt to stand and climb the steps. He reaches out and blocks me. “You don’t even have any dry shoes.”
“Fine.” I give a small huff.
“We’ll go to your place. Let me just close up here and grab a few things.”
“Okay,” I answer weakly. But, I’m actually glad he’s coming back with me.
I was so together yesterday, but Angela had it right. I have chosen my hard. My head is swimming. I’m going down and Gage is my lifeline right now.