47. Charli
CHARLI
I get all my things packed and we leave for the airport just after lunch on Labor Day.
My flight goes out tonight and it’ll be morning when I land in Reykjavik.
I’m exhausted, emotional, and excited. He finally told me he loved me last night.
It’s out there. We love each other and when I get back from my trip, we can figure our life out.
He’s been nothing but supportive of me. I wish I was going with Gage.
I really can’t believe that I’m taking this trip to Iceland alone.
What do I have to prove to myself to travel so far away when he’s leaving so soon?
Was it all those years of waiting around here instead of studying abroad or taking trips with friends?
We both tossed and turned all last night. I got up for water, he turned the fan, I had a midnight snack, and we had sex again in the wee hours. I think I slept for maybe two hours. I hope I rest on the plane.
He’s trying to be cheery on the drive up to Logan. I break out in a sweat when he clicks the directional for the airport exit. Cars whiz past us continuing north on the highway. The lights from a van in front of us flicker in the Jeep’s window. Everything suddenly feels like a dream.
I swig some water and take a deep breath. “Thanks for driving. I’m nervous now that it’s really here.”
“It’s barely a week and you’ve wanted to do this for a long time.”
“I know. I wish we were going together,” I blurt.
He clears his throat. “Me too.” He gives my knee a squeeze.
Siri interrupts us with directions to departures.
“Oh, there's a spot behind that bus.”
“Got it.”
He pulls over and we unload my bags. I blink back a few tears, realizing he’s dropping me off here. I'm a snuffling mess as I choke out, “I’ll miss you, baby.”
He smooths my hair back and kisses on my forehead, probably trying to avoid my snotty nose. “I'll be back here in no time to pick you up. You’ll have the best time.” His voice is hoarse.
I latch onto him, hugging him hard around the waist. “Have fun with Gabby tonight.” I hiccup. “Tell her I said hi.”
“Of course I will.” He presses a kiss to my cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I peel myself off of him and I can’t look back when I enter the line that wraps around the tile floor. Navigating the airport is exhausting
Passing through the throngs of travelers in the airport is a blur. I’m lonely while surrounded by people. But this was my dream. Or has my dream changed?
Thank God I have extra time to get through security and find my gate. By the time I slump into a hard plastic seat in the terminal, I’m dragging.
Once I get on the plane I have a glass of wine and wait for the short trip to JFK.
It’s as if I’m in someone else’s life as I stare out the small window watching the lights below.
The rest of the passengers around me are all lost in their own worlds as I’m having an internal crisis.
I want to be home and in bed with Gage instead of on this plane flying over the ocean right now.
We touch down in Iceland at 10:30 a. m., making it 5:30 a. m. at home. I send him a quick text.
Me: Made it. Zzz
Gage: Miss you. xo
Scrolling my phone, I read the rest of my messages and a notification pops up from my cycle tracker. I’m late. Fuck. How did I not notice this? Probably from the overwhelming amount of sex we’ve been having.
I rack my brain trying to decipher how this could be. I’ve only been late a handful of times. My thumb passes over my calendar app, it’s been over a month of not using any protection.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
But, I’m on birth control. Maybe forgot a dose, or I’m late from traveling, or stress, or pregnant from fucking super swimming baby making sperm.
It’s probably nothing. I’ll start my period any minute now and there’ll be nothing to worry about. No need to get a pregnancy test here. And this isn't something to tell Gage over the phone. That’ll have to wait until I get back.
I focus on getting to the hotel and doing some unpacking before I shower and get ready for bed.
Staring at the ceiling, I consider if I have any pregnancy symptoms. I feel fine, no nausea, my boobs are the same, and I’m not any more tired than usual.
It’s only paranoia and an app that tracks my body. Technology.
Thankfully, the travel itinerary is packed with excursions. Our trip leader, Kristin, is super perky and keeps the group of fifteen women busy.
Gage and I talk each night on the phone.
I rattle on about the details of my day while he listens, his face framed in the darkness of my bedroom miles away from me.
This is what it will be like when he leaves, except I’ll be at home and he’ll be on an adventure.
After we say our goodbyes I wipe at the tears in my eyes.
Pulling the blankets closer to my body as a chill washes over me, I realize I was looking for true companionship and I have it with Gage.
Our connection was immediate. He understands me so well without needing to explain everything.
I feel like my true self when we’re together, and being so far apart from him feels foreign, like a part of me is missing.
* * *
One morning we load up for our big trip on the Golden Circle route in Southern Iceland. We’ll see the Gullfloss Waterfall, Geysir Geothermal Area, and the Kerid Crater. There’s an early start and a long bus ride there and back.
My seat-mate is the only other woman about my age on the tour. “Hi. I’m Charli. This is my first big trip alone, or ever,” I confess as the bus lurches forward.
“Nice to meet you, I’m Anya. Congrats. I take these female travel trips at least once a year. I’m sure that you’ll love it.” She tucks a wisp of blonde hair behind her ear and pulls out a book.
“I hope so. I have a new boyfriend and I miss him.”
“It’s only a few more days. You’ll be back in no time. Where are you from?”
I sip my water bottle. “I’m from Rhode Island. I have a café there, so it’s hard to get away.”
“I’m from Massachusetts. I’m a writer, so my schedule is flexible.”
Anya tells me about her adventures on the ride. She’s not kidding about her travel experience.
Our first stop is the National Park where we can also walk to the edge where Eurasia meets America along two tectonic plates.
It’s breathtaking, a real geological wonder.
When we arrive, we have to descend a steep cliff into the rift valley, which is the edge of North America.
The other side of the wall is Eurasia. We walk along a path that has a gorge and a waterfall.
Magma has bubbled up between the plates creating lava fields and ravines.
Our guide for the hike tells us that earthquakes happen frequently in this area as well.
I feel really small in relation to this natural wonder. Absently, I rub my belly as we lumber across the uneven terrain. I never thought I’d be in this situation. Someday, I want to be a mom, but not right now. I have some things to complete on my bucket list.
Afterwards we leave to see the Gullfoss Waterfall which has two tiers surrounded by dark rock formations.
The sky contrasts in a beautiful shade of blue.
The power of the water flowing through the area is evident by the deafening noise of the falls.
Anya and I stare in amazement at the attraction, the spray coating us in a mist.
She nudges me. “I give this a ten out of ten.”
“I agree. It was worth that long bus ride.”
“You and your boyfriend could go to Niagara Falls in New York, it’s really cool too.”
I smile weakly at her. “That’s a good idea.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m not much of a bus fan.”
“Do you get motion sickness?”
“Yeah, that’s it.” It’s not morning sickness.
The rest of the sights are amazing, we’re able to go on a whale watch and our guide spots a flock of puffins. Fucking puffins.
The travel group is a good distraction from my inner thoughts.
But, it's not that same as being with him. Traveling is what I’ve been obsessed with for years, following blogs, researching trips, dreaming of flying to a remote destination.
And here I am over 2,500 miles from home and I’m not as happy as I thought I would be.
And it’s because I’m not sharing it with someone I love.
Honestly, Gage would come on a trip with me in a heartbeat if I asked him, but I never did.
We share things together, that’s why this summer with him was so special.
It hits me. I want to share a life with Gage. I want to share everything with him. The big things, the little things, the stupid things, and the amazing things.
All. The. Things.
And I hope he wants the same thing with me.
We talk every day, we even have an awkward session of phone sex where I drop the phone on my face mid-orgasm. Being so far away is an obvious strain on both of us.
Every night when I lie in bed alone, my mind races with the same thoughts.
An unplanned pregnancy, just like my mother.
A zest for travel, just like my mother.
A great boyfriend who’s not planning to be a dad right now, just like my mother.
But if I am pregnant, I want the baby. And unlike my mother, I’ll be the best mom ever to this baby.
The last night there, I can’t take the worry anymore and I run to the pharmacy next door to the hotel and buy a pregnancy test.
I sit on the edge of the tub, the cold tile biting into my thighs. The plastic tester lies on the counter as I stare at the timer on my screen, my hands shaking. The phone buzzes and I stand, gripping the sink to steady myself.
Blinking at the single line in the control window, my eyes flick to the wrinkled instruction page.
Not pregnant.
That’s good.
I’m not ready for a baby now. I pad back to the bed and flop down and stare out the window, the sky still bright even though it’s late at night.
Iceland has been exquisite, a total natural wonder.
I’ll forever be thankful that this trip gave me so much clarity and perspective.
But, I’m ready to go home. Ready to dive deeper into my relationship with Gage. Ready to face what may come with him.