53. Charli
CHARLI
I can’t sleep or eat. They finally put my cast on once the swelling went down and my period came.
It was a relief, but an emotional one. A piece of me was excited to have a baby with him, even if it wasn’t planned.
Yes, it would be scary, the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
But I know that baby would be the most important person to me.
I wouldn’t make the same choices as my mother did.
Our home would be a safe sanctuary, even if it was small, it would be a place filled with love.
Rubbing my belly as my cramps plague me, I’m certain that someday I do want to be a mother, when I’m ready. There’s a few things I want to prove to myself I can do, then it will be time.
My parents stayed together when I came along, and they were doomed from the start. I won’t do that to him. It may destroy me, but we have to be together for the right reasons. At least if he stays now, it’ll be because he wants to, not because he has to. He needs to see a life for himself here.
After doing nothing all day, I lay on my couch or my bed and think about him, and us.
I usually love this time of year, but I’m too depressed to get any joy out of the crisp air and the leaves starting to change color.
I’ve been like a robot, going through the motions.
Just like I used to be. I should’ve stayed friends with him and then I wouldn’t have a broken heart again.
I keep getting texts and calls from him, but I ignore them all. Maybe pushing him away was the wrong choice, but I panicked. I’m used to being alone and dealing with my issues by myself.
The sun is streaming through the window and I decide to go out for a walk, so my muscles don’t atrophy. Plus I’ve been binging on ice cream and wine. I eat a wrap that Oliver left me and it doesn’t taste like anything. But I chew and swallow it anyway. My stomach will thank me later.
Thankfully, I haven't bumped into Gage yet since the accident. I think I would literally freeze or puke on the spot. I stroll through my neighborhood streets and end up near the path to North Point. It’s getting late but it’s still light out for hours so I wander down the path.
The waves are beating down on the rocks, gulls call out and circle overhead.
The grasses have gotten taller and scratch at my leggings as I walk by.
I breathe the salt air deeply into my lungs.
I reach the clearing and sit for a while staring out into the bay.
The waves roll in pounding on the rocks.
The noise is a reminder that despite my pain right now, the world keeps going and days will turn into nights.
I vowed to change this summer and work on myself.
And I did. I took care of myself more, I got out of my comfort zone, I traveled, I grew my business and I fell in love. I’ll go on and find a new way.
It doesn’t stop the tears from building and spilling down my cheeks. My heart aches. He said all along he was only here for the summer. I don’t know where things stand with us now. Will he be able to forgive me for withholding information from him?
I check my watch and it’s close to seven. I should head home and go to bed soon since I’m working early. Ugh.
I’m staring at my shoes lost in thought as I stroll up to my place. Then I see him, pacing by my door. I stand rooted to the ground, unbelieving that he’s right in front of me.
He’s got on sports shorts and that Sweet Spot sweatshirt I gave him. My emotions get the better of me though, and God, I want to run into his arms and have him hold me close. I want him to kiss me and tell me everything will be alright.
Once, he spots me, he quickens his pace and moves toward me across the grass.
I approach him warily. “What are you doing here?”
“I had to see you. You wouldn’t answer any of my calls or texts.”
I take a shaky breath, a cold sweat breaking out on my body. My belly is churning. I wobble a bit and he’s right there, holding me up, embracing me; making it better by being there.
A lump forms in my throat and I will my tears away. It doesn’t matter, they still fall from my eyes, burning at my already raw skin. “We didn’t get a chance to talk about it the other day, but if I was pregnant I was going to have the baby,” I choke out.
“Our baby,” he corrects me as he smoothes down my hair.
“Our baby.” My God, my heart is breaking into tiny pieces. I crumple in his arms, in shock by the enormity of it all. I was going to be a mother.
He holds me as I shake with a cry. “Hey, I’m here.”
“Do you want to stay together?” I ask in a shallow whisper. “You don’t have an obligation now.”
“I’ve never felt the way I do about you for anyone else.”
I wipe the salty tears from my cheeks. “That’s not what I asked.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, his voice a whisper.
I fist his shirt, feeling the pain in his question. “I wanted you to choose me because I’m what you wanted.”
He rubs a hand down my back, slowly and methodically, soothing me. “I would choose you a million times over. I’m sorry I was so slow about it. But you can’t hide things. You’re not alone anymore.”
I link my arms around his back, inhaling his scent. “I’m sorry I kept that from you. I was so afraid. . .”
He pulls back, framing my face in his hands. His eyes are watery, tears threatening to spill over to his tan skin. “Don’t be anymore.”
Leaning forward, he presses a soft kiss to my lips. The pain slides away and exhaustion takes over. I sag in his arms.
He shifts, lifting me up into his arms to carry me inside. Laying me down in my bed, he changes my clothes, dressing me in one of his t-shirts and pair of sleep shorts. I watch him as he moves around my room, checking everything in the space before he pulls the blanket up to my waist.
“I'll be right back.”
“Hurry.” I fight to keep my eyes open.
A warm cloth is pressed to my eyes as he dabs the sensitive skin on my face. His calloused fingertips feather across my cheeks as he dabs lotion there.
“Do you need more pain reliever?”
“No, not yet.”
Muffled noises sound from the apartment. He sets a glass of water down and a pill bottle on the bedside table. The bed dips as he slips in behind me, snuggling close. He presses a kiss to the side of my head. I let his warmth and scent soak into me and surround me.
“Thank you.”
“I want to take care of you.”
Minutes go by as we lie side by side, the whir of the fan the only noise around us. The light from the hallway makes a rectangle on the floor beside the bed.
“I took a test when I was on my trip.”
“Baby.” His palm runs down my side.
“I need to tell you.” Swallowing hard, I continue, ”It was negative. I was going to say something when I got back, but you were distant. I knew something was wrong. I knew you were thinking about,” the blood pounds in my ears before I can finish, “breaking up with me.”
His arms tighten around me. “No, I wasn’t.”
My nose stings with tears again. “Gage.”
“I was still struggling with being apart from you. When you were away, I felt so hollow. And I knew it was going to be difficult when I left. I should have talked to you more. But being long-distance will be tough on us.” He sighs and I stroke his forearms. “This right here will be what I miss the most. The little things matter to me.”
“The small things are our life too.”
“I’m so sorry I put you in danger that day. God, when I think about what have happened.” His voice breaks and he drags in a deep breath.
“It was an accident.” I turn to face him, anguish etched on his face. “You saved me.”
He leans his forehead to mine, his thumb rubbing my neck as he cradles my head. “I’m sorry I fucked up so badly. That it took me so long to see what could be taken away.”
“Everything is okay now. Even though you’re leaving soon, we’ll be together when we can. I can’t go too long without seeing you, being with you, feeling you.”