52. Gage
GAGE
How could I have fucked this up any worse?
I knew it would be a mistake to go after her, but I couldn’t fucking stop myself.
I knew she would be more than a hook-up the moment her eyes met mine that day on the sidewalk.
They pulled me in and made me feel something I hadn’t in a long time, maybe even ever.
We had a connection.
She understood my need to sail, to chase that moment on the open water when you’re small and riding the wind.
It’s a feeling that not everybody experiences, and I don’t have the words for it, but when I caught her gaze the first night we went out sailing, the anniversary of my dad’s death, it hit me.
But that pull to be on a boat is a double edged sword, a painful reminder of what we’re both missing in our lives; the parent that taught us how to.
Now, I’ve done the same thing to her, abandoned her when she needs the most support. But why didn’t she tell me she was late right away? In my mind, I understand her worry that I wasn’t committing. But in my heart, it still kills me that she kept this from me.
After leaving the hospital alone, I start cleaning, scrubbing and polishing every inch of the boat. I must be rage cleaning.
I have a bunch of messages from my family, but I’ve been putting off talking to them.
Instead, I continue to buff the fiberglass deck.
Next, I finish the foredeck and start working on the sides.
Maybe I’ll put on a wetsuit and climb in the water to do the side of the hull later when it’s warmer out.
Jesus. My phone is going again. “Hi, Mom.”
“Honey, you’re not answering anyone messages, we’re all worried.”
“Yeah, I figured.” I shift to sit and hang my lower legs off the bow.
“Is something going on?”
I break down as it all comes crashing down again. I choke out the accident, the hospital and that Charli could be pregnant too. It’s cathartic and shocking at the same time.
“Oh my God, that must have been so scary for you. At least you were able to rescue her safely.”
“I should’ve never put her in danger.” I’m such a fucking idiot.
“You’re both capable sailors and you can’t change the past no matter how much you want to.”
“I know, but I should have known better.” I watch a pair of gulls circle some ripples in the harbor before they dive into the water, looking for a meal.
“Yes, but what happened? You were both so happy. I was so pleased for you, honey, to find love and embrace it. What about what we talked about last time.”
“Mom, she lives here and has a life, a business, family, friends. I’m supposed to be leaving in a few weeks. I . . .”
“You’re part of her life now too. You’re important to her. What are you going to do if she is pregnant? You can’t leave her,” she pleads, her voice desperate.
“She said she doesn’t want me to stay out of obligation. She’s not talking to me now.” That’s what hurts the most, she’s shutting me out. “We planned to stay together long-distance, but I guess that’s not enough.”
“Pregnancy is difficult enough, let alone going through it alone. You have so much love to give her. Your dad and I had nothing when we met. And we made a life together.”
“Yeah, and then he died and left you alone.”
“Gage, I wouldn’t trade one day with your dad, for all of the time without him now. Love like that is worth it. Do you think it’s right for you to decide for her though?”
“How am I doing that?”
“You aren’t giving her the choice.”
“I want her to come with me, but . . .”
“But what?”
“It’s not fair to her. She has her own business here. How can I ask her to give that up?”
“You won’t know unless you ask.”
“I need to go, Mom.”
“Let’s talk again soon. Love you.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
I hate to admit it, but my mom is right. All her therapy has made her into a really stable and happy person. I’m not giving Charli a choice in our relationship if I don’t talk to her. I need to prove to her that I’m a man she can depend on no matter what.
Fuck. It’s too much thinking. I’ve got a headache now. And cleaning isn’t helping.
My phone buzzes again, it’s her.
Charli: I got my period.
Me: Please can I see you?
Me: I just want to talk to you.
Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t want it to be like this.
She doesn't respond to anything. I need to see her.