Chapter 34
EDGE OF MADNESS
How many fucking years have I fantasized about doing this?
How many more years have I beaten myself bloody trying to get it out of my system?
When I came in here tonight, I had no intention of things escalating. I genuinely wanted to make sure Lex was alright.
I see a lot of myself in him. We both smother our true feelings and wear fake smiles. We hide behind personas and blend in. It’s easier than opening up. And it sure as hell feels better when we finally do crack, and no one is there to witness it.
Even at our lowest, we still try to maintain that perfect image.
Months ago, I almost gave in and crossed a line.
That’s why I demanded Devon remove Lex from my house.
I didn’t trust myself alone with him. I’m not blind, and I know Devon feels some way about our manager, but damn it, I saw him first. I pined first. I wanted first. And I’ll continue to beat myself up for it tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I’ll face the consequences and hide everything back in its coffin.
For once, I don’t feel like my world is ending. I’m with Lex, shielded in the dark. He won’t tell anyone about this—about me. He’s not going to push for more, won’t ask questions, or want some grand declaration. Tonight, I can let myself have something good.
A kiss, reciprocated. A gentle touch, not rage.
Fuck, I needed this. Him. Lex.
He feels like I imagined. Soft, sweet, a little timid.
I called his bluff from day one. Saw the insecurity behind his war paint. This boy needs to feel safe before he can open up. He isn’t making a big deal of it. That means more to me than he knows.
I taste him slowly—teasing, nipping his lips. My hands stay still, holding his cheek and hand.
He follows my lead and takes what I give. I kiss his top lip, then the bottom. Each time, he melts deeper into me, resting on my side. I realize I’m kissing a man—wanting a man. But this isn’t new.
The need never goes away, no matter how often I try to quench it.
Fear and doubt threaten. Disgust and shame fight to escape.
But Lex moans—soft, sweet, willing. It cools the fire inside me.
I lower my hand, grip his jaw, and apply more pressure.
He opens a moment later, his minty tongue swiping over mine.
Tingles run down my arms and spine. Blood rushes to my cock.
I should stop this before it goes further.
With my track record lately, I know it will.
That desperate, starving part of me will want more and more.
I can’t give in again. I did once, and look what happened. All of this sounds right, so I know I’ll break our kiss—but not yet. Lex slips his hand from mine and fists my tank, urging me closer. On top of him.
Usually, I make these decisions in bed, but I can’t deny him. He’s on his back, movie forgotten, and I’m between his legs.
As soon as our dicks bump, I start to shake. It’s too real. Floodlights shine down, exposing my weak points.
Anyone could hear us. Anyone could walk in and see us.
I pull away, pushing up on my forearms. Lex’s dreamy stare paralyzes me. “I don’t think anyone has ever kissed me like that before,” he says, a bit breathless.
My curiosity demands I ask, “Like what?”
“Like I have something you need.”
Fucking hell. I can feel my eyes go soft and gooey as my lips curl. This man is dangerous. “Goodnight, Lex,” I tell him, stealing one last taste.
“Goodnight, Michael,” he whispers. Even in the dark, I can tell he’s blushing. It’s cute.
Sighing, I get off the bed, giving him my back so I can adjust myself and straighten my clothes. I slide open the door and glance back. He’s sitting upright, watching me with a question in his eyes.
What does this mean?
I don’t know, baby boy.
The diner is busy. Endless voices, dishes clanking, and coffee machines gurgling fill the restaurant.
Last time we were all crowded into a booth like this, Eli was Phoenix’s ex-boyfriend. There are more of us now, so we have two booths. I’m sitting beside Kelly, and Jorge and Oli are across. In the other booth are Phoenix, Eli, Devon, and Lex. Terry is sitting in a chair at the edge of the table.
I had every intention of sitting with Lex, but Devon beat me to it. They’ve been civil the past two days, chatting when no one is looking. It…bothers me. I’ve kept to myself, steering clear of both of them while on the bus.
Usually, I’d torture myself with Reddit threads, seeking out every horrible thing about us. I think I do it as a reminder of why I have to fight this part of me.
I’m not strong enough to handle the backlash.
Suspicions are hard enough—real evidence, rumors, pictures?
I couldn’t handle it. I’d regret it. That fear probably shaped Morgan—too scared of Dad and society.
But Morgan twisted those feelings. Rape and liking kids aren’t byproducts of prejudice. I won’t believe that.
He’s strict. He’s absolutely against anything queer, but he’s not…like Morgan.
Cops get a bad rap enough as is, with domestic abuse and infidelity. I can’t imagine a world where my twin was somehow groomed or anything else. It’s not possible. Not a thing. But still, I refuse to let this poison me like it poisoned Morgan. I’ll swallow a barrel before that happens.
Not for the first time, I’ve tried to reason with it. Who I am.
My friends wouldn’t care. They’d be happy. My dad would disown me, but do I need him?
Do I care?
Deep down, I guess I do. If Dreadful fails, he’s my backup. No one knows I graduated from the academy during college. I have credentials. Sure, the time to utilize them for employment has passed, but all I’d have to do is take a POST requalification course.
I’d have a sure job if everything goes to shit.
But to have that, I need my dad.
Like always, I tell myself, well, keep it a secret then, dickhead. Don’t let him find out. Easier said than done.
“—show is going to be fire.”
I blink away my thoughts, tuning into the conversation at my table. “I can’t wait!” Kelly gushes. Ah, so they’re talking about the European portion of the tour. “Do you guys think I should message Lumi? Like, prepare her for our eventual love?”
I blink at our keyboardist.
Kelly is…an odd duck. There’s no better description.
Lately, though, she’s been hyperfixated on this woman.
And while I get that most people have a celebrity crush, she’s taken it to a whole new level.
I’m honestly afraid that whenever we do end up in the same venue as Lumi, there will be no fireworks and only restraining orders.
But I don’t have it in me to burst her bubble. “Maybe don’t mention the love part. But you could introduce yourself. See if you two have anything in common,” I offer.
“We are both in metal bands. Of course, we have things in common,” she grumbles and turns her attention to Jorge. He’s the worst enabler. “I ordered that shirt she wears. It’ll be here before we fly out. I’m thinking I should wear it when we meet.”
“That’d be cute,” he muses. Oli snorts. “What? It would! Imagine if I first came over wearing your shirt? You’d be besotted immediately.”
“Besotted?” he asks, eyebrows shooting up his forehead.
Jorge blushes. “I’m reading a historical romance, okay? It’s a fun word.”
Shaking his head, Oli kisses Jorge’s cheek. “I was always besotted with you, kitten.”
“Because I’m the best.”
“You are.”
God, they’re disgusting. “I want that,” Kelly demands. “With Lumi.”
“Make sure you wear the shirt,” Jorge tells her and winks.
Tuning them out once more, I glance across the booth and find Devon’s attention fully glued to Lex’s profile. Lex is focused on his phone, typing rapidly and ignoring Devon.
Maybe it’s for the best that I’m keeping my distance.
It’ll let them work out whatever that is. But even as I think it, something pinches inside me. I’m used to Devon looking at me that way. Hanging on my every word, waiting with bated breath for me to give him the green light that we are okay and I’m not mad.
I really fucked up this time.
I just hadn’t expected it to hurt this much.