Chapter 35
BIG BAD WOLF
How long does a person need to think?
It’s been two weeks since we left for the tour. While Lex will acknowledge me in a group setting, any other time, he ignores me. Between sound checks and the shows themselves, I’ve been too busy to dissect everything going on.
Michael is still an ice princess, avoiding me like the plague. Kelly has asked me what’s going on a few times, but I don’t have anything to tell her.
I’m stuck.
To make matters worse, we are finally staying in a hotel tonight. It’s been haunting me all day. While I make sure my bass is tuned and ready for the show in ten minutes, I mentally prepare. We booked two suites. They even come with bedrooms.
Thanks to our funds from our label, we can afford more luxurious lodgings this time around. The crappy motels are a thing of the past. And while our bus is a significant upgrade, it’s still cramped.
The issue is, we haven’t decided who is sleeping where.
Lex reserved all of our hotel stays before everything went down. And he doesn’t know about the fucked up encounters I’ve had with Michael. It’s not that I’m scared to be alone with the guy—I’m not.
No.
Fear is the last emotion swirling in my chest.
I’m mad. Furious, even.
You don’t stick your dick in your best friend, kiss him like an assault, spew hatred and venom, only to duck your head and run.
He wants to give me the cold shoulder after doing this himself? Fine. I’ll play along.
As shitty as it is, I’m fed up waiting for the guy to see the bigger picture here. Michael is definitely not straight. There’s no way in hell. He wasn’t drunk, either, so he can’t blame his lapse in judgment on booze.
While I don’t understand his need to lie through his teeth about his sexuality, I get it. Some people take longer to accept that part of themselves. It was never like that for me.
I knew by the time I was thirteen that I swung both ways. There was never a coming-out party or big talk with my ma. Once I was sexually active, I started bringing people over. Girls. Guys. Sometimes neither. It didn’t matter what was in a person’s pants—Ma hated everyone the same.
But I know Phoenix didn’t have it that easy. I’ve heard the story a few times from Jorge. How scared he was to tell his family—how for years he thought his dad hated him because of it.
The fear is valid, but we are Michael’s family. No one would treat him differently.
Blowing out a frustrated breath, I set my bass on its stand and double-check my mohawk hasn’t wilted. The new hairspray I got is crap. Heading over to Kelly, I tap her shoulder. She looks up at me and smiles.
“Hang on, I got you.”
She always keeps a spare can in her bag just off stage. Her big space buns don’t hold the tease during the entire set, so when we take our water break halfway through, she touches up.
I bend down so she can spray my hawk, swiping her fingers over the tall fan and pushing the aerosol into the strands. “Thanks,” I murmur.
“You doing okay, Dev?” Her question throws me off guard. I thought I was handling my double rejection better than that. I’ve fully accepted this aloof attitude towards the whole thing, just so I don’t stink up the tour.
“I’ve been better,” I admit. Not that I can own up to why I feel this way.
“Same,” she tells me and drops her eyes to the floor. “I know I’ve gone a little batty with this whole Lumi thing. And believe me, I know how weird it looks.”
Kelly rarely opens up about this. She tries to stay upbeat, only dropping the act when needed. Our mother hen. I’m about to tell her it’s okay to have a celebrity crush, but she keeps talking.
“This delusion, crush, whatever, makes it easier to move on.”
Ah. Now it all makes sense.
Shortly after Phoenix and Eli split a few years ago, Kelly had the most awful breakup with her fiancé.
Crystal never sat right with me for multiple reasons.
They’d been girlfriends since high school, and Kelly proposed after college.
The issue was that Crystal was deeply closeted.
As it often happens, their relationship fell apart. Kelly was devastated.
Ten years is a long time to be in love with someone, only for that person to rip your heart out.
I pull her to my side, giving her a much-needed cuddle. “She’s going to love you,” I tell her. “Anyone would, hun. You’re amazing.”
“I keep telling myself it’ll happen. That it’ll be better than what I had.”
Pressing a kiss to the top of her hair, I give her another reassuring squeeze. “Can I give you some advice?”
She peers up at me, her glittery eyeshadow shimmering under the overhead lights. “Don’t scare her off?”
I smirk. “Make her work for it. Don’t settle for scraps.” The words leave my lips and redirect to bitch slap me in the face.
“It’s giving desperate, isn’t it?”
My face pinches. “A little bit.”
She sighs, hugs me tight, and then we part. “I’ll tone it down. Eventually. Not tonight.”
“If it’s meant to work out, it will,” I say, but the words taste hollow. I don’t believe it. They’re the script you offer because facing the truth hurts more.
This woman might take one look at her and run in the opposite direction.
Maybe it’s my own insecurity talking, but it’s a possibility. I hope that’s not the case for Kel.
Sweat drips down my face, my hair flops like a wet noodle, and no matter how hard I try, I keep thinking about what I told Kelly earlier.
Don’t settle for scraps.
Isn’t that what I’m asking Lex to do?
Thank God I’m able to multitask, or I’d be butchering the bass line of this song right now. My fingers pick and strum, gliding over the fretboard while the crowd moshes and headbangs.
I know my overall performance is shit tonight.
I’m too stuck in my head to give a fuck about how I appear to the crowd.
Which isn’t like me. I live for the reaction—for the hard stomp of my boots over the stage, the blinding lights, the cheer of our fans.
Maybe it’s because there’s an invisible line in the sand, separating me from our lead guitarist.
Any other time, we’d be circling each other, leaning on each other, flashing stupid grins, and headbanging in unison.
How is it possible to feel so alone up here? Detached from the one thing that takes me higher than life.
If I want things to work out with Lex—if I truly want to let the past go—I have to sever all ties with Michael. I’ve been holding my breath for so long that I’m surprised I haven’t suffocated.
I meant what I said to Lex at the start of the tour. I want him. That hasn’t changed despite the whiplash Michael’s given me.
Besides, Lex deserves something real. Playing with his cock is one thing.
Committing to him is another. And that’s what he wants.
Commitment. He doesn’t want to wonder if I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop with my best friend.
Even if I’m able to stop pining for him, I’ll still feel things.
I’ll still harbor a spot for Michael. I don’t know if Lex would be okay with that.
Hell, I’m not even sure that I am okay with it.
Deciding to press the issue later, I focus on what I know.
I know that Lex is no longer my enemy. I’ve peered past his prickly layers and found someone soft and wonderful.
He’s more selfless than I think anyone realizes, but I do.
I’ve seen it. Been the receiver of his kindness, and it feels so fucking good.
I know that I want him to be mine.
I want to pick up where we left off and let this thing grow. He deserves dates and dinners and cuddles after sex. Those are all things I’m eager to do for him.
He trusted me once, and I want it back.
I’m going to get it back. Even if I have to beg.
Luck is on my side.
Michael is in a separate suite, and Lex and I are in this one.
Along with Kelly and Terry. Our bus driver happily accepts the couch while Kelly offers to bunk with me in one of the two bedrooms. It’s on the tip of my tongue to argue, but according to Lex’s request to keep our…
relations a secret, I don’t say a word. Instead, I wait for Kelly to fall asleep.
I’m freshly showered, burning up inside as I tiptoe to the other room. Not bothering to knock in case Terry is still awake, I slip inside Lex’s room and shut the door with a soft click. I turn and almost crash into him. Wearing a pair of silky black pajamas, he sputters.
“I was just going to see if you were up,” he tells me, blushing.
All day, I’ve thought about what I was going to say to him when I finally got him alone. The speech has been practiced and repeated so many times that it’s branded into my brain. Yet, now that he’s in front of me, the only thing that comes out of my mouth is, “Have you thought about it?”
Seriously? I almost slap myself.
He blinks. Once. Twice. “Oh,” it’s said on an exhale.
My heart is racing so fast I’m sure he can hear it. “Because I’ve thought about it. I’ve done nothing but think about it,” I rush out. “You shouldn’t have to settle for scraps. I…Fuck Lex. I miss you.”
There. It’s the shortened version, but it gets the point across.
He fidgets with the hem of his pajama shirt. I wait while he parts his lips and closes them. He does this a handful of times. Not a single sound has come out of him. “What about Michael?” he finally asks after an eternity.
Blowing out a harsh breath through my nose, I scrub a hand down my face. “It’s done.”
“Done?” He studies me. “How can it be done? You told me—”
“I know what I said,” I cut him off, closing the minuscule distance between us and cupping his face. “I don’t want to talk about him. I want to talk about you. Us. This thing we keep dancing around when we both know it’s not going away.”
He swallows. And I might be reading into it, but he looks downright guilty. “Devon…” It’s a breath. Defeated.
“What? Don’t tell me you can’t feel it too.”
Squirming in my hold, he says, “It’s not that I don’t feel it. I’m…confused.”
“Confused.”
“Something changed and I—” His words end abruptly as I back away, letting my hands drop.
“So you made your decision. You can’t do this because I have feelings for two people.” I can’t stop the way my voice contorts or how much his rejection burns.
It’s so fucking selfish, too. Yet, I can’t make it hurt any less. Only certain people can accept sharing another’s heart. I just hoped that what we have would be worth it for him. Enough to make him want me too.
“That’s not what I’m saying,” he insists. “But…”
“What?”
Those big amber eyes look tortured. Like the words are right there, but something is stopping him from saying it.
I don’t understand what he is trying to tell me.
Every second that passes with him staring at me like he’s afraid I’ll break spikes my temper.
I didn’t come here to argue. I came here to get him back.
“It’s done, then. With Michael?” he asks carefully, searching my face.
I nod fast. “I’ll always care about him, that’s not something that just goes away.
But it doesn’t change how I feel about you.
I fucking want you, Lex. Any way you’ll have me.
” Damn it. My voice actually cracks. “I’ve been nothing but honest about this.
I can’t walk away, stuck in limbo. I need something solid to tell me which way to go. ”
It’s giving desperate, Devon.
“Fuck, baby. I just need an answer.” I hold his face again. “Put me out of my misery.”
I’m about to drop to my knees and beg at his feet, but thankfully, I don’t have to. His hands curl around my wrists as he leans into my touch. “I miss you too,” he admits softly. “I don’t want to be a placeholder.”
“You’re not a placeholder.” I kiss his forehead. Then his nose. My lips take on a mind of their own as I pepper him with kisses. Cheeks, eyes, chin, and when they find his mouth, he whimpers. “I’ll prove it to you. Every day.”
“I want that,” he says, pretty eyes finding mine. “I want that so much.”
“Come here, princess.” I lift him, and he clings to my body easily, burrowing his face into my throat. He kisses the skin there, trembling in my arms. “You’re mine,” I growl into his ear. “All fucking mine.”