23. Chapter 23
Chapter twenty-three
Cason
Although the gates surrounding the church are wrought iron and designed to withstand heavy force, I’m still uneasy when I walk around the building and survey the horde beyond the windows.
Unfortunately, we’re fucking stuck until the assholes move on. On the one hand it should keep anyone else from attacking our group but I’m not keen on waiting around to find out if the two fuckers Shelby put down were part of the group we passed earlier.
After everything that happened, it’s no surprise she finally broke down and her bright eyes blotted by heartbreaking tears cross my vision before I push it away.
It’s a relief to know that she is stronger than she thinks but this is only the beginning, and I can’t bear to consider what might happen next. All it takes is a moment and the woman who cackled like a maniac at my stupid statement could die.
My gut clenches at the thought and I peek inside the room, my eyes inevitably drawn to where she’s lying next to Larry, her back snuggled against his for warmth.
My skin burns to be the one who provides the heat she needs while my brain screams to back the fuck off. While there’s clearly a soft spot for her in my heart, I suspect it’s born out of this shitty situation and knowing that she was lost before the world ended around us.
It’s the same instinct that drew me to my wife after one of the worst moments of her life.
Her need fulfilled mine but one day, she healed her broken leaving me twisting in the wind.
This is what pushed her further and further away and no matter how hard I tried to be what she needed, that tether was gone.
This need to save Shelby can only end the same way because it’s not Shelby I’m trying to save, it’s myself. It’s always been about my selfish need and that’s what drove my wife into the arms of another.
Shelby
The following morning, I sense the shift in Cason’s mood and steer clear with a pang of regret. Although he’s a nice guy, and a gentleman through and through, I've already lived with a man whose moods dictated mine and I’m not willing to go back down that road again.
It’s a beautiful day. The kind that I would have enjoyed before all this even if it was from the porch where Ben demanded I stay.
Inexplicably, a memory surfaces from early on, back when everything between us was new and fresh . . . innocent. He had just broken off an engagement, minutes before walking down the aisle to say, I do, and despite the sadness I detected in his eyes, I was grateful that he called it off.
The warm sun baked my skin when I turned to him and cracked some silly joke that brought a smile to his face. Pleased to be the one who put it there, I ducked my head.
When he grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear, my heart tumbled over, and I wished so very desperately that this man would be the one who chose me.
It was only years later, after we had been married and the dream started to fall apart, that one of his friends let slip in a drunken moment the truth behind Ben’s lies.
He didn’t call off his first wedding because he found his fiancée cheating with another man. Nope, it was the other way around. I think that was the day I shed my skin of hope which reformed into the brittle shell surrounding me today.
I believed the lies even when the truth smacked me in the face because I wanted the dream and instead accepted the nightmare. What that says about me, I don’t know but if I analyze it too closely, I suspect it wouldn’t be a pretty truth to unravel.
I didn’t ask for Ben’s abuse, but I didn’t fight back when he dished it out. This is why, when Cason glances my way with a furrowed brow, I bow my head.
I may not be as strong as I hoped but I’m willing to do the exercise to get there and it starts with putting some distance between myself and the man who scrambles my insides with a mere look and a frown.
The day passes quietly while we wait for something to distract our undead visitors. Although it leaves me uneasy knowing how close they are to invading our sanctuary, I can’t deny that the rest feels good for my aching body.
However, there are logistics that make it a little awkward, including the fact that every time I turn around, Cason is hovering nearby. I would say he’s doing it on purpose to confuse me, but I see the same confusion behind his crinkled brow.
Since the majority of the supplies ransacked by our group remain in the truck down the road, we snack once more on fruit and granola bars, washing it down with sugary sports drinks.
When Nora produces a pack of cards and waves them in the air, Zoey plops down beside her eagerly. Although I’m not interested in playing a game, I join them anyway because I can’t say no to the little sprite when she turns those baby blues my way.
Amanda turns up her nose and Larry politely declines, his face tucked into a novel he must have found yesterday. Lance and Nate disappeared a while ago and Cason is checking the perimeter again, which leaves Jason and Elaine.
Elaine sits in a pew to watch, and I smile when Jason joins us on the floor, his wide shoulder brushing mine. While Nora shuffles and deals, I eye Jason’s beefy arms.
Unfortunately, he catches my curiosity and to cover my embarrassment, I clear my throat and ask, “Were you, um, a bodybuilder?”
His chuckle rumbles through my chest as he shakes his head and says, “Naw. I just had too much time while I was inside.”
Inside what? It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask when he tips his head toward Zoey and says, “Did some bad sh-, um, stuff, you know? Two years inside changed my mind about that though. Got a job, soon as I got out.”
His eyes raise to the stained-glass window, the gray depths sparkling and I look away when they shine as he says, “I found something better to take away the rage.”
“What?” I whisper, spellbound by the smile that curves his lips.
“God,” he says, and I bow my head.
Is it as simple as that? I don’t know because I also don’t truly know his story. I can’t deny the unease that slides down my spine though. Whatever soul searching he did seems to have led him to his light while I’m still writhing in the darkness.
“Who’s winning?” Cason interjects and I snap back to the game.
When I snatch up my cards, Nora raises a brow, but I merely shake my head, unnerved by her ability to seemingly read my thoughts.
No, I’m not fangirling over a tall, handsome cop. I’m too old for that shit and he’s about as unavailable as my dead husband, which is why I’m not . . . whatever.
I killed my husband and nothing can change that in a cop’s eyes.
Nothing.
Cason
Another night passes while we wait for the damn horde beyond the gates to lose interest but the more time that we lose, the more I think the only way out is to take the initiative.
Since we don’t know what motivates these fuckers, beyond their attraction to sound, there’s no reason to think they’ll move on without something changing.
My chest remains tight as the hours pass, and we can’t do anything but wait. If I were alone, I’d have found a way out already and I’m itching to move.
It's no surprise I guess because I’ve never been one to sit still. My mom used to laugh at the “ants in my pants” but always took pity and let me loose to run around the neighborhood.
In school, I played every sport while struggling to maintain my grades because sitting through the required lectures was untenable.
I think that’s why I gravitated into law enforcement and never sought to move beyond the sheriff's office. If I took a promotion or moved into something more specialized, I’d end up spending more time behind a desk.
Rosanne never understood this part of me, and I think she hoped I would change my mind because living off a cop’s pay wasn’t exactly glamorous.
Either way, I’m going out of my skin trapped within these walls, which is why, as soon as the others lay down, I approach Jason and Larry, to explain my concerns.
I can’t say that I appreciated the scene I interrupted earlier, especially because the weird glint in Shelby’s eyes when she gazed at Jason was more intimate than I expected.
Jason with his friendly grin and gentle demeanor is, I assume, the exact opposite of Shelby’s husband. Is she attracted to that? Or maybe just him?
Despite what I suspect about his previous extracurricular activities, it’s easy to see that he’s a genuinely nice guy. I don’t usually analyze another man’s looks but I have to admit that Jason is also no slouch, if you’re into beefy muscles and bulging thighs, anyway.
Whatever, this isn’t my business and yet, I can’t help the slide of resentment roiling in my gut when Jason sits down and meets my gaze, head on, willing to do whatever it takes to make sure our group gets out of this alive.
While it’s a relief to share a bit of the burden, I also can’t deny that I hate knowing he will be the savior in Shelby’s eyes, while I’m the grumpy asshole who pushes her away at every turn.
“What’s up?” Larry asks and I set my thoughts aside. I made my decision and if Jason steps in to help Shelby, all the better.
That means I can go when the time is right.