Chapter 23 #2
I laugh a little bit before I fade into silence. Sophie stays on the other end of the line, remaining quiet as well. A hint of guilt starts to creep into my bones when I remember that she probably has better things to do than sit around and listen to my sulking.
“How’s my sister?” I ask to break the silence.
Despite her seeming fine the last time I spoke to her, I have to make sure she’s actually okay. That she’s not lying to me about how she’s truly doing only to make me feel better about abandoning her for two weeks.
“Oh, she’s actually doing amazing. She’s had a good couple of days so far, and the kids love having their aunt with them.”
Relief floods into my veins. There’s that, at least. As guilty as I felt about leaving Océane behind for the holidays, I’m now more confident that she’s in good hands with Sophie and Will. And why wouldn’t she be?
It’s only that hardly over a year ago, Will could barely bring himself to speak to our sister. Not because he didn’t love her, oh no. But because he was ashamed of his freeze response when our parents’ abuse towards Océane escalated.
I was the one who got her out of that house. Who confronted our parents and screamed so loudly I lost my voice for three days after. So, for the longest time, he helped her out with money and not much else, in an effort to avoid his own guilt.
Thankfully, it’s gotten a lot better over the last year. Will’s in therapy, and the three of us hang out all the time. He hangs out with Océane alone, too. I think his relationship with Sophie has a lot to do with it.
She gives him the courage he always needed to show up as the big brother Océane wanted so desperately.
“Actually, why don’t you just ask her yourself?” Sophie asks right before shuffling echoes through the phone. “She overheard me and wants to talk to you, now.”
“Oh. Uh, sure.”
I barely finish my sentence before shuffling echoes on the other end of the line. I guess Sophie wasn’t asking for my permission.
“Rachel!” my sister exclaims in the most upbeat tone I’ve heard from her in a long time.
“Hey, honey.” I try to steady my voice.
Océane already has a shit ton to deal with in her own personal life. The last thing I want to do is burden her with my marital problems.
But how much did she overhear Sophie?
“So, how crazy is it out there?” she asks, a bright, curious tone illuminating her voice. “I was picturing something that could go well with Yakety Sax playing in the background.”
A laugh rips out of me without permission. “I mean, almost. But it’s not that bad. It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“Are you?” This time, Océane’s tone isn’t so peppy. “Typically, when I’m fine, I don’t have to repeat it out loud so many times.”
Of course my baby sister would know how to call me out on my bullshit.
I rub my face with my hand. “Okay. Yeah. I’m kind of falling apart out here. But that’s not your responsibility. I just want you to focus on taking care of you, okay?”
“Rachel?”
“What?”
“Why are you dumb?”
I straighten up out of shock. “Excuse me?”
“You’re so smart, yet you can be so dense sometimes. I just don’t get it.”
Océane’s voice is so light and unbothered that I have to double check that we’re actually having the conversation I think we’re having.
I’m so confused.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
She sighs on the other end of the line. “You know I’m a full grown adult, right?”
“Uh, yeah? Bu—”
“And yeah, I’m disabled. I know that. Does that mean I can only focus on myself and never help or support anyone else? Even my sister?”
I let the silence on the line grow. Heat creeps up my neck. Finally, I find the words.
“I’m not saying you can’t. I’m saying it’s not your responsibility. I’m sorry I offended you.”
“You didn’t offend me, Rach. You’re just really frustrating me because I want to be there for you, and you’re making it really hard for me to be a sister to you.”
“You’re my baby siste—”
“Rach, you’re not my mom.” Océane takes a deep breath. “And that’s the thing… you and Karan are the same in that way.”
“What?”
Now I’ve truly lost the thread of this conversation.
“Both of you spend so much energy catering to other people’s needs. You’re all over me and always making sure I’m okay, and he’s obsessed with catering to his parents’ every whim. Then, add the fact that you have twin boys to that mix, and where does that leave what the two of you need?”
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks.
“Is any of what I’m saying making sense?”
“Uh, yeah.” I blink a few times and attempt to ground myself to the conversation instead of floating away in the turmoil of thoughts my sister brought up. “But that’s what being an adult means.”
It means you’re never the priority. Your needs can’t come first, because others will always rely on you. Especially those who can’t fend for themselves.
It’s different for Karan. He prioritizes whatever his boss wants, then his parents. In both of these cases, these people can fend for themselves. That’s miles away from what I’m doing.
We are not the same. Not anymore.
“I mean, you can keep telling yourself that,” Océane says.
Oh, shit. Did I say all of that out loud?
“Yeah, you did.”
Gah. I did it again.
“But it is different,” I argue.
“In your head, maybe it is,” she continues. “But do me a favour, Rach. Don’t use me as an excuse for why you can’t fix your marriage.”
“I never said tha—”
“You didn’t need to say it. And I overheard enough from Sophie to understand what’s going on. I’m not a child, Rach.” She’s starting to sound frustrated. “Please. What you and Karan have is something that some people will go a lifetime looking for and never find. Don’t give it up so fast.”
My gaze drifts to the bedroom window. I stand and make my way to the glass, taking a moment to look outside. There, below my line of sight, is Karan, playing in the snow with our boys.
My heart swells, both a painful and sweet sensation. The man who’s laughing in the snow, whom I’m looking at now, hasn’t shown up in months. Yet, there he is, right in front of me.
Is he still there? Is there a chance?