Chapter 24
Karan
“Dad, I need to pee!”
Cayce pulls me out of my staring daze. I blink a few times, then look down at my son, who’s jumping up and down in the snow, a pained expression on his face.
“Well, go pee,” I tell him with a smile right before turning back to the second floor window where I thought I caught a glimpse of Rachel looking down at us.
But she’s already gone.
“I need help with the zipper!” Cayce exclaims, more urgently this time. “Can you come with me, please?”
Oh. Right. This might be the kind of thing I’d be more aware of if I didn’t spend so much time at work. I know winter only just set in this year, but still, today is the first time I’m playing in the snow with my boys this year.
Guilt gnaws at my insides. Would they still love me as much if I gave up the job that’s building them a better future? Or would they hold it against me when they’re older? Would they harbour resentment for not having every option laid out for them?
I don’t know. I can’t know.
We grew up in different times, a different place.
In the nineties and early aughts, growing up in a mining town like Val-d’Or, there were opportunities aplenty for the men who were willing and able to work hard.
Even an entry-level job like helper at a diamond drill represented enough money to raise a family with several kids on a single salary. That’s what my father did.
He quickly made his way through the ranks and into upper management while my mother stayed home to raise me. Sure, he worked long hours sometimes, but I never missed out on anything because my mother was fully focused on me.
Things are different today, especially living in the city, where living costs are so much higher than in Val-d’Or. I would have to double my current salary if Rachel were to stop working and spend more time with the boys.
Not that I want that for her. She always made it clear to me that her career is vital to her. But it does mean that my boys are growing up in a completely different reality than me.
I never grew to resent my father for his career. He worked hard, yes, but I never felt lonely.
But what about my boys? Are they already growing distant from me as I spend fewer and fewer family dinners with them, attend fewer and fewer bedtimes? Or would it be worse if I sacrificed their secure futures?
Those haunting thoughts swirl through my mind as I take Cayce inside for his bathroom break. They fester while I wait outside the bathroom door, while I zip Cayce back up into his snow suit.
Only her familiar footsteps pull me out of the nightmare.
I don’t have to turn around to know it’s Rachel coming down the stairs. I’d know her cadence anywhere. A deep-set instinct to turn around, grab her by the hips, and lift her up to kiss her senseless takes over my body, but I resist.
That’s not what she wants from me right now. If she wants anything at all anymore.
Still, I have to turn and look at her. And God, she’s such a sight. She’s in loose black joggers and a forest green knit sweater that brings out the green of her eyes. Her long, thick brown hair cascades over her shoulders, reflecting the overhead lights.
That sweater of hers hangs low enough that I get a peek at one of her collarbones, and I picture myself kissing her there, the way she likes it; how I’d savour her soft gasps, the involuntary shift of her hips, the taste of that silky skin…
Cool it, Karan.
Though the thick snow suit I’m wearing can probably hide any evidence of my daydreaming, I’m not going to take any chances.
“Are you two going back outside?” Rachel asks, making her way to us.
She kneels to my right, her eyes locked on our son, and gives him a kiss on the one part of his cheek that isn’t covered by his neck warmer.
“Seems like you guys were having fun out there.”
“Yes, I just needed to pee!” Cayce exclaims. “Are you going to come play with us, Mommy?”
I look at Rachel, trying to read her expression, but she doesn’t look away from Cayce.
“Absolutely, I will,” she says with a grin, right before booping Cayce’s nose. “Go back outside with Daddy and I’ll come join you guys.”
“You don’t have to,” I say as Rachel straightens back up, the smile on her face vanishing as soon as we lock eyes. “You can rest if you want. I’ve got it.”
“No, I want to.” She gives me a small smile. “I’ll be out in ten.”
As she walks away, I can’t help but wonder the reason behind her joining us in this way. Is it to spend time with me, or only to play with the boys?
Or maybe a little of both?
The snowmobile was a bad idea.
It’ll be fun, I thought. We’ll make awesome family memories, I convinced myself, even once I realized the particular model my aunt owns is much smaller than what I initially believed.
The boys?
They positively freaked out.
Sitting in the large sled attached to the snowmobile, they had the wind in their faces and adrenaline pumping through their blood while we zoomed across the frozen bay and through the forest trails.
I know they’re going to rave about this to their city friends at school once we’re back from the Christmas break.
What I didn’t anticipate was what having Rachel so close would do to me.
Having grown up in Val-d’Or, this wasn’t my first time on a snowmobile. Nearly everyone who works in the mining industry in that town owns at least one of these bad boys, if not more. I mean, what else are you going to do during the endless winters in a place with zero mountains?
But, as I said earlier, my aunt’s model is much smaller than what I’m used to. And I’m a big guy. This left hardly any space for Rachel, and gave her no choice but to hold onto me for dear life.
The heat of her at my back, her arms tightly wrapped around my chest, her lean legs stuck to mine…
It was pure torture.
It’s been so long since the two of us held each other close like that. And having her so close, gripping me so tightly, just gave me a taste of what I’m missing.
And it’s only not about sex. Yeah, of course, I want my wife, so much so that it makes me dizzy at times, but it’s that closeness, that intimacy that I miss most.
Holding her safe in my arms because I’m the one she trusts the most. Hearing her most secret thoughts whispered in my ears and no one else’s because I’m her confidant.
Part of me wishes I could whisk Rachel and my boys away, to a cabin not dissimilar to this one, away from the expectations of the world. When it’s the four of us and no one else, everything feels so simple. So effortless. We could live off the land, pave our own way.
But that’s not how the world works. Rachel has her sister. I have my parents. And we have to provide.
I have to provide.
Still, the idea that sparked in my mind after lunch is still very much active. There’s still a way I could show Rachel just how good we are together. How much her happiness matters to me.
So, as we come back inside with the rest of my extended family and strip off our winter gear, that spark of an idea starts to form into a real plan.
First things first, I need to get away from Rachel’s prying eyes.
I can’t tell her what I have in mind, because I know she’ll refuse outright.
This needs to be a surprise. It’s not a good rule of thumb to ask for forgiveness instead of permission in a marriage, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
“You look exhausted,” I tell her while she helps Auntie Anjali hang snow gear next to the firestove. “Why don’t you go take a nap before dinner?”
Rachel looks over at me and bites her lip. “You sure? You don’t need a break?” she asks, gesturing to our two boys, who are already running around the cabin’s main room like two banshees.
I shrug. “No way. I’m good. You go rest, okay?”
She hugs her arms; Anjali nudges her shoulder with a teasing smile.
“I’d take him up on that if I were you,” she tells Rachel. “In fact, I think I’m going to head up for a nap myself.”
Rachel nods, her face blank. “Hmm. A nap does sound good.”
Relief washes through me.
Yes.
Now I can move forward with my plan.
I wait a good ten minutes after Rachel heads to our bedroom upstairs before cornering my cousins Ajay and Aisha, who are both doom scrolling on their phones on opposite sides of the couch.
“On a scale of one to ten, how bored are you two?” I ask, feigning innocence.
Both of them frown before looking at each other with suspicion.
“Why are you being weird?” Aisha asks first.
“I’m not being weird.”
“Yeah, man, you kind of are,” Ajay confirms.
“What do you want?” Aisha continues.
“What? Nothing!”
“Really?” Aisha narrows her eyes.
I rub my beard nervously. “Okay, fine, I want something.”
That earns me a good-natured eye roll from both of them.
“Could you watch the boys for me for, like…” I take out my phone to look at the time. “An hour? Hour and a half at most?”
Normally, I’d ask Mom, but she’s got her hands full with dinner.
Both their faces light up.
“Say less,” Aisha says as she nearly jumps from the couch. “I could eat those boys up.”
“Okay, cool.” I rub my hands together.
Ajay stands, but with less enthusiasm than his sister, raising a single eyebrow. “Dude, what are you up to, exactly?”
I sigh and rub my mouth. “You’ll find out soon enough.”
I grab my coat and sprint towards our rental car before they can change their minds.