Chapter 25
Rachel
The scent of something like meat pie pulls me from a deep sleep. I have to blink several times to clear the blurriness from my eyes and wipe the edge of my chin to remove what seems to be drool.
Wow. I didn’t know I could fall so deeply asleep during a simple nap.
I make my way downstairs, still in a daze, and offer to Martine and Jocelyne to start setting the table while they’re putting the finishing touches on what seems to be an amazing feast of a dinner.
Right as I’m placing utensils on the table, Suresh strolls from the living area to the table and grabs plates to help me out with a smile.
“That nap did you some good?” Suresh asks, sweeping a strand of salt and pepper hair behind his ear.
“I think so.”
“We should meet up more often.” He chuckles, pointing to the living area, where Ajay and Aisha are sprawled on the floor next to the wood stove, playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with my boys. “Watching your kids is making my kids more responsible. And they haven’t touched their phones in a full hour.”
I stop mid-movement, almost dropping the fork I’m in the middle of setting down. My gaze darts from one corner of the cabin to the other, scanning for my husband.
He’s nowhere in sight.
“Wait,” I breathe out. “Why are Ajay and Aisha watching them? Where’s Karan?”
Suresh shrugs, not looking too bothered. “He went on an errand somewhere, but he said he’d be back for dinner.”
An errand? What kind of errand could he possibly go on? This cabin is nestled deep into a peninsula, at least a good 45 minutes away from the next major town, Gander. For this reason, Jocelyne keeps this place well-stocked, especially when she has company over.
A touch of anger seeps into my bones. There he goes again, leaving me. For all I know, he drove to Gander to find a cafe with faster Internet than we have at this cabin because his boss needs him to fix some other bullshit.
I take a breath through my nose to keep myself grounded. There’s no reason for me to freak out. I have no idea what Karan went out to do. No proof that he’s out doing something for his boss.
If I’m going to start imagining faults where there are none, then we truly have no chance of saving this marriage.
Right on cue, the door slams open, revealing Karan’s gigantic frame. He’s covered with a dusting of snow, including his beard. A huge smile splits his face in half.
My heart skips a beat at the sight of him. Even now, with all the doubts swirling in my head, I can’t deny what this man does to me.
If only that were enough.
In isolation, our story is the ‘perfect’ love story.
If the curtain had fallen on us that night he texted me to join him in the stairway for our first kiss—if that had been the end of our story—it would have been so easy.
Or even if that same curtain had fallen that day in the hospital, when I gave birth to our boys, it would still have been a happy ending.
But that’s not how life works. There is no ‘ending’. Well, I mean, there is, but I don’t want to go so dark. Even if we were to divorce, our story doesn’t end.
It only gets a lot harder. And lonelier.
Karan’s dark brown eyes fixate on me right as he closes the door.
“When did it start snowing?” Surinder asks from his seat on the couch, looking up from the newspaper he’d been reading. “Looks like you got dipped in a snowbank, Beta.”
Despite his father’s comment, Karan doesn’t shift his focus away from me.
He pats snow off his shoulders and starts undressing himself, painfully slowly.
First comes off the hat, liberating his silky black hair tied back in his usual bun.
I picture myself running my fingers through it. A shiver runs down my spine.
Next, he shrugs off his winter jacket. The way his shoulders ripple through his shirt… is obscene.
What is even happening?
I blink and look around, double-checking to make sure that we really are at this cabin with his family, and that I’m not having a mental breakdown. But when I look back at my husband, there’s nothing obscene about the way he’s unlacing his boots.
Well. Not on the surface.
Damn. We haven’t had sex in a long time, but I hadn’t realized the impact this dry spell was having on me. Here I am, in broad daylight—or rather, broad moonlight—salivating over Karan like a college girl.
A hand waves in front of my face.
“Earth to Rachel,” Suresh says.
“Huh?” I break away from staring at Karan and turn to Suresh. “Sorry, did you say something?”
He points at my feet with a chuckle. “You dropped the cutlery.”
Shit. I look down at my feet and see the evidence sprawled on the floor.
Wow. What is wrong with me?
“Still recovering from your nap?” Karan asks, immediately making his way over to me.
Before I have a chance to bend over and pick up the stray forks and knives I dropped, there’s my husband, on his knees.
Just how I like him.
Snap out of it!
The heat from his gigantic body radiates to my shins. I swallow and watch him pick up my mess.
“I could have done that,” I say with a voice less steady than what I hoped.
He looks up at me, his thick lips twisted into a crooked smile. “I know. But you don’t have to do everything.”
Before I have a chance to reply, he stands, towering over me. “I’ll get clean ones.”
My gaze follows him as he walks over to the sink, dumps the utensils I dropped, and grabs fresh ones from the drawer.
He holds me in a daze.
I make it through dinner without too much trouble, though I’m still partly in a daze. Somehow, I manage to do a good job of blending in, participating in conversation where I can without too much mental effort.
Dinner is followed up by game night, where we play a series of board games ranging from trivia to card games. It’s loud and overwhelming, but if I zoom out of my own head, it’s actually quite a lot of fun.
And I’ve got to admit that seeing my husband laugh and enjoy himself is a rare sight I didn’t even know I missed.
There is no time for game night at our house.
Not anymore. I fondly remember the days before Karan took on his new job, when we’d both horse around with the boys until bedtime, then followed that up with anything from long-winded discussions about the state of the gaming industry or whatever drama had occurred at the pharmacy, to movie nights cuddled on the couch together under a blanket.
Before William was with Sophie, we’d invite him over solo for game night from time to time, but there was also a brief and joyous overlap when she came into his life before Karan left his job. They’d both tag along when they could find a sitter, Océane also joining them from time to time.
Needles prick at my heart at those memories. I’d do anything to get that sliver of life back.
We take a quick pause in our games to go put Cayce and Corey to bed, and then we’re back at it, this time taking out L’Osti de jeu—a Québécois version of Cards Against Humanity. Though I’m having fun and getting sore ribs from laughter alone, I’m the first to bow out for bed.
“Wait,” Karan says when I stand from the table, rising to stand with me. “I want to show you something.”
“Ew, get a room,” Aisha snorts.
“Aisha, that’s inappropriate,” Martine scolds her niece.
Odd of her to say when we’ve just been playing a saucy game, but maybe she doesn’t like to imagine what’s in her son’s pants.
Trust me—I’ve been trying not to think about that, either.
“Is it going to take long?” I sigh. “I’m really tired.”
Karan gives me a reassuring smile. “Literally two minutes.”
I nod without a sound, then look around the table to make eye contact with every family member. “Well, good night, all.”
Everyone wishes me good night, and I turn to head upstairs, followed by Karan’s heavy footsteps.
My breath becomes shallow, my mouth dry. The last thing I want to do tonight is fight. I don’t have the energy for it, and I’m terrified of what the outcome would be.
Of the things I could potentially say and never take back.
Karan is patient with me and sits on our bed while I occupy the upstairs bathroom to brush my teeth, comb my hair, and wash my face.
The entire time, dread has me hostage, setting up shop in the cavity of my chest. Even the cold water I use to rinse my face isn’t enough to stop the beads of anxiety sweat from forming all around my nape.
Finally, and not without hesitation, I make my way back to the bedroom and sit on the bed, a good two feet away from Karan. I steady myself by clasping the edge of the bed with my hands.
“Hey.” Karan touches the edge of my chin with his index, putting soft pressure to turn my head towards him. “Rachel. Look, I’m not blind. I know we’re…”
Something vulnerable flashes through his eyes, and he looks downward.
“Well, we’ve had better days.”
I scoff. “That’s one way to put it.”
“I know.” He takes a deep breath. “Rachel, I love you so much.”
“Don’t.” I clench my jaw and fight against the burning behind my eyes.
I don’t want to fight. Not tonight. I don’t want to unleash the rant I’ve been holding inside me. The one that wants to tell him that his words mean nothing if he can’t show me.
This is a fight I refuse to have here. Not with his family surrounding us, front row witnesses to our downfall. We have to make it through this holiday and sit pretty until we’re back home.
Then, we can hash it out.
“I know what you’re thinking.” Karan strokes my jaw with his thumb.
It’s a gesture I want to lean into. But I stay put.
“I can hear those thoughts swirling around in that pretty head of yours. You want to tell me I’m full of shit.”
I laugh despite myself.
“Did I get it about right?” he asks with a bittersweet smile.
“Yeah.” My voice is barely more than a whisper.
“I’m not here to argue or fight, love.” I close my eyes to put up a stronger fight against the tears that desperately want to escape. “Like I said downstairs, I want to show you something.”
I shrug. “Okay. What?”
Karan drops his hand away and pulls out his phone, tapping and scrolling for a bit before he turns the screen over to me.
“On Boxing day, this is where we’re going. Just you and me.” My eyes go wide. “We’ll be back here by New Year’s. I already checked with my family for Cayce and Corey. Everyone’s happy to share babysitting duties.”
I open my mouth, but only a strangled sound makes it out. My gaze darts from Karan’s face to the image of the gorgeous A-frame cabin on his phone. It takes a while for my brain to put two and two together and understand what he’s telling me.
“You booked us another cabin?” I finally ask.
“Yeah. It’s not far from here. That’s where I went while you were taking a nap.”
My brows furrow, so Karan clarifies. “I wanted to go see it in person. Make sure it was perfect.”
“This…” I scratch my neck with a nervous energy. “If you think a few days on a romantic getaway is going to fix—”
“Rachel.” Karan lowers his head to be in line with mine. “I know. I can see you’re struggling and overwhelmed, and this is to get you out of here. We can take some time and talk.”
At the quivering of my chin, he sighs deeply.
“I really want to try, Rachel. Please. Say yes.”
It’s tempting. It really is. The fact that Karan is willing to sacrifice time with his family to spend it with me alone says a lot, but still. It all feels like too little, too late.
At the same time, what harm can this do? At least, if we fight, we won’t be surrounded by his family. I won’t be in enemy territory while he has his entire clan to support him.
This could make or break us, but at least, at long last, this hell I’ve been living in would be over.
I gather all of my breath and courage before I respond:
“Okay.”