Chapter 41 #2
What if Océane thinks I don’t love her as much as I once did?
What if Will isn’t ready for the responsibility?
What if it all comes crashing down around me, and I lose everything?
I think of Karan, currently sitting at home alone, doing who knows what, and my stomach does a somersault. He’s the reason I’m here. That’s what I have to remember.
He chose me, and he’s suffering for it. Now I have to choose him, too.
I grip Océane’s hand and look to my left to see both of my siblings, who are already gazing back at me. Slight worry is etched on their faces.
Worry. For me. When it should be the other way around.
I never wanted them to have to take care of me.
“Océane,” I start, gathering all of my courage and channeling those bouncing words in my head to finally speak them into the world. “I think, if Will is okay with it, that you should move in with him and Rachel. For good.”
Both of them stay quiet. We keep walking; a police siren echoes in the background. I wait for one of them to say something—anything, really—but they only stare back at me with concern and a slight upturn of their lips.
They’re waiting for me to elaborate, maybe.
For me to give a good reason.
To prove I’m not failing them.
“I…” A pressure builds up behind my eyelids and gathers in my throat.
I grip Océane’s hand tighter, wishing we weren’t wearing mittens so that I could feel the warmth of her hand against mine for comfort.
Whose comfort, hers or mine, I’m not too sure.
“I don’t think I’m in a place where I can truly be there for you.
Not like you need it.” I clench my jaw to hold back the tears.
“Karan needs me more than I realized. So do my kids. Océane, you don’t know how much I wish I could have more to give, how much I wish I could be everything you need, but I don’t have it in me. I…”
I look away so she doesn’t see a lone tear fall.
“Right now, I’m not enough.”
Océane squeezes my hand. I look back up at my siblings, who are now sharing a knowing look.
“You think she’s done?” Will asks, raising a teasing eyebrow.
“I think so,” Océane answers, the same mischievous smile on her face.
Guilt and pain turn to confusion. I stop dead in my tracks, forcing them to stop along with me.
“What?”
“Come on,” Océane beckons me, pulling on my hand as she tries to coax me forward. “Let’s keep walking.”
“Do you guys think this is funny? Or that I’m joking? What is this?”
A hint of anger wants to rear its ugly head, but I want to give them the benefit of the doubt.
So I listen and keep walking.
“For the record, Rachel,” Will starts, “you have always been much, much more than enough.”
“You literally saved me,” Océane adds. “There’s literally no way I could have made it out of that house on my own.”
“That was the least I could do,” I argue.
“Was it, though?” Will questions. “The least you could have done was what I did. Which is nothing.”
“Will, you had your own shit to sort throu—”
“Yeah, I did, and thanks to you, I sorted through it.” He shakes his head with a chuckle.
“I’ve got the girl of my dreams, and a family I never dreamed I could have.
You helped me get over the shame of not being there for Océane when shit hit the fan, and now we can be together without me drowning in self-loathing.
“You give, and give, and give, and you forget that once our cup is full thanks to you, we’re able to give, too.”
“Rachel, you are everything I’ve always needed and more,” Océane adds. “And I’m so proud of you for finally standing up for yourself and taking what you need.”
“You mean, you’re not upset?” I ask through a thick throat.
I shift my focus to Will. “And you…”
“We’ve been chatting about this with Sophie way before you brought this up,” Will explains. “We all agree that you’ve done enough. It’s time for you to lighten your load and let me do my part.”
“And I’m not a child,” Océane adds. “I can take care of myself for the most part. Just not alone. And we all agree that despite that, I’m going to take too much space when the four of you need each other more than you ever have before.”
“But…” My gaze flits between both of my siblings in a wild goose chase for where to go.
I’m flooded with too many thoughts and feelings at once, like a helium balloon drifting in the wind.
“The kids… they…”
“What about them?” Will asks me, genuinely confused.
“I mean, they’re a handful, an—”
“So are yours, and, well, we’ve got a free babysitter now,” he continues, giving Océane a playful poke in the ribs.
“Hey, she’s no—”
“Rachel, he’s only playing around,” Océane reassures me. “Is it so hard to believe that I’m happy with them? And that they’re happy with me?”
I’m about to say the most obvious issue—that Océane isn’t Sophie’s responsibility—but I’m stopped short at the realization that she wasn’t Karan’s responsibility either.
Or, in a sense, maybe she was. Maybe that’s what family is all about. And if Sophie was against the idea, Will and Océane wouldn’t be here now, swearing to me that they’re all in agreement.
Sophie’s kids were never Will’s responsibility, yet he stepped up without even having to be asked. Funnily enough, Will, who can unfortunately never biologically become a father, has been a better father than our own ever was.
I think about our parents, who never fought to win us back.
Or about Karan’s parents, who prefer to hold on to their pride rather than be in our lives.
And then I remember the way Karan easily adapted to Océane being in our home without me having to ask him to do it.
The way Sophie took our kids in without hesitation.
Blood can only take you so far. The bonds we build—those we choose—are those that will hold us dear during our darkest nights.
I jump at the sound of my ringtone screaming from my pocket, then pull my hand from Océane’s, slip my mitten off, and take my phone out as quickly as I can. When I see Karan’s name reflected back at me, I gasp and answer.
“Rachel?”
There’s something in Karan’s voice that wasn’t there when I left. But, in all of my messy emotions, I can’t detect what it is for the life of me.
“It’s me. Are you okay?”
“Yes,” he breathes out.
I close my eyes and take a breath of relief.
“Rachel, I want you home. And I want you to bring back our boys.”