Chapter 42
Karan
I’m pacing back and forth in our hallway, rubbing my beard almost obsessively, when the sounds of footsteps up the outside stairs finally make it to my ears.
They’re here.
The door bursts open, and in a few long strides, I meet my family with wide open arms. I close my eyes as we embrace like this, and the boys somehow detect that I need this moment and decide to keep still instead of squiggling their way out of my arms.
In a deep inhale, I bask in the sweet strawberry scent of Rachel’s hair and in the familiar smell of both my boys, mingled with the fresh scent of snow and cool air.
“I love you,” I whisper to them.
“I love you too, Daddy,” Cayce says first.
“Me too,” Corey follows.
“I love you,” Rachel says, “and I’m here.”
I pull away from the family hug and grab Rachel’s face with both hands, pressing a deep kiss on her lips.
“I shouldn’t have sent you away, Rach. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Her hand strokes mine over her face.
“No, it’s not.” I kneel and pick up Cayce and Corey—one boy with each arm—to kiss the tops of their heads. “I’m going to do my best to be better from now on.”
“Karan,” Rachel gasps, looking at Cayce and Corey, then back at me while lowering her voice. “It’s okay if you’re… not okay.”
She ruffles the boys’ hair with a forced smile. “Boys, take off your winter stuff and go play, won’t you?”
“Okay, Mom!” both twins cry out in tandem.
They both shrug out of their jackets, boots, and hats in record speed before sprinting towards their bedroom.
Rachel and I are left alone. I stand, and as soon as I’ve got a solid footing, I reach my arms around Rachel and bring her in close.
I’m completely blind to what the future holds. That sinking terror still has its claws in me at the thought of how I’m going to provide for my boys in the way they deserve now that I’ve burned the bridge at True Keys.
And I don’t know if I have the capacity to do it.
I can’t claim responsibility for any of my best achievements. Not when I wasn’t truly in the driver’s seat.
Now that the drivers themselves are disappointed in me and no longer on speaking terms with us, what do I do?
I hold on to the best thing that’s ever happened to me. That’s all I can do.
“Karan.” Rachel pulls away from our embrace to look up at me, her green eyes glittering with unshed tears. “I’ve been so, so hard on you over the last year, and although I’m glad we’re okay now, I’m realizing I might have hurt you more than I thought.”
“You could never hurt me.” I sweep a long strand of silky chestnut hair behind her ear. “You were hard on me, but it was deserved. You were right about it all.”
“Not about everything.” She sinks her face into my chest and sighs. “Karan, I swear to you, I wil—”
“Rachel.” I tip her head back so she’ll look at me again. “There’s one thing I need right now, more than anything. Will you give it to me?”
“What is it?”
“All I want is a nice day with my family.” Rachel returns to work from her holiday time soon, and the boys will be headed right back to school. “I don’t care what we do, as long as it’s the four of us.”
Days from now, I’ll find myself completely alone in this house during daylight hours.
I don’t want to waste a single second more.
Rachel gives me exactly what I ask for.
I lose myself in the day and allow myself to truly feel joy. A light snow falls outside, and it’s not too cold, so we make the most of it and head to Beaver Lake on Mount Royal with our ice skates and the boys’ hockey sticks.
When we’ve all had so much fun that our cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing, we head downtown for hot chocolate at our favourite café, then head home and order Tandoori chicken and samosas from our usual place.
Then, we take out the Uno Junior cards and manage not to kill each other before the boys are almost on the edge of collapse from exhaustion.
When I kiss them goodnight, I linger for a moment on each of their foreheads. I absorb all of the love I can get, letting it seep through my skin and into my bones.
Everything is going to be okay.
By the time they’re both asleep, I’m ready to collapse on the couch. Rachel is already there, both legs folded up underneath her, when I make it to the living room. A pleasant scent hits my nostrils, and I notice two steaming mugs on the coffee table.
“Made us tea,” Rachel says with a smile.
I sit next to her and grab a mug. “Thank you, love.”
I bring the mug to my lips and let the sweet and earthy notes of the herbal tea dance on my taste buds. When I swallow, its warmth travels down to my belly, and it almost feels like it spreads throughout all of me.
I set the mug back on the table and open my arm to beckon Rachel closer. She nuzzles into my side, just as I’d hoped she would.
“So, was today everything you were hoping for?” she asks me.
“It was wonderful, Rachel.” I allow my fingers to weave through her hair.
For a second, that sinking feeling of worthlessness hooks itself into me.
I can’t quite push it away, but I focus on the silky strands of Rachel’s hair, on her steady breathing against my chest, on the knowledge that my boys are safe and sound asleep in their room, hopefully dreaming of better things than I will tonight.
“But?” Rachel finally asks, the slight tension that overtook my muscles a moment ago telling her what I didn’t dare say.
She knows me better than anyone.
“But…”
If I speak this into existence, will it make it more true? Or will it instead air out my wound and let it breathe so it can finally start to heal?
“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Rachel.”
I expect her to reassure me, like she usually would. But instead, she peers up at me through those dark eyelashes of hers, and she waits.
She listens.
“I doubt I can get another job in software. Not after the stunt I pulled. My boss is going to spread the word around to let everyone in the industry know I’m unreliable.”
Now that I’ve opened the valve, the words come pouring out of me like pus.
“And even if I could, I doubt I can make it work. We’ve both seen what happens when I try to make it work.” I scoff. “There are probably some people who can balance things right, but not me. So I obviously can’t cut it in that industry.
“That leaves video games. But I’ve got no guarantee Ubisoft would take me back.
There would need to be a new project, or someone who recently left, and right now, with the state of the world, and all these mass layoffs I’ve heard about from my old colleagues, it’s not exactly raining jobs out there. ”
My breath hitches.
“And that’s exactly why I wanted more for Cayce and Corey. Neither of us can guarantee what the world will look like when they’re grown up, so I wanted to at least guarantee that we could give them as big a safety net as possible. Now I don’t know how I’m going to do that. And…”
I realize my breathing is shallow.
“Karan.” Rachel strokes my shoulder and back. “You are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for. And I love that about you. I love how smart you are, how hard you work, especially for us. But for fuck’s sake, Karan…”
She chuckles, and all I want is to capture that breathy laugh into my mouth and lose myself in her, but we have to see this conversation through.
“Am I nervous about the future, too? Of course. I’m terrified. But no matter how much money we have, there’s nothing we can guarantee. And that’s the hardest part of being a parent.
“We are going to make it through, Karan. You’ll do wonderful things, and you’ll be there for your boys, and even if you don’t get them the trust fund you’re trying to build for them, you have to trust that our hard work as parents will pay off and that they’re going to be okay.”
“I want them to be more than okay.” I choke back a sob. “Rachel, I want so badly for them to have everything they could ever dream of.”
“So do I. So you know what?” She strokes the side of my face. “Let’s show them what it's like to build their own happiness by being the best examples we can be.”
My wife stands, gives my shoulders a brief squeeze, and heads toward the hallway.
“Wait, what?” I ask as I watch her leave. “Where are you… I mean, what are you doing?”
“I’ll be right back,” she promises. “Stay here.”
I’m left to my own devices as time stretches to a standstill while she’s gone. I’m facing the precipice again, on the edge of breaking down, but everything is on hold. It’s like I’m only fully living when Rachel is next to me.
What could she have meant by ‘build your own happiness’?
I let the breath I’d been holding finally go when she traipses back into the living room, her bare feet carefully padding the hardwood floor as quietly as she can so as not to wake the boys.
There’s something nestled under her armpit, but I can’t tell what it is. Her lips are upturned in a quiet smile.
And her eyes. They shine like diamonds.
Whatever she’s holding, it’s got her excited.
Rachel sits next to me and takes out what I now recognize as my old laptop. I used to take that bulky thing with me everywhere, in case I’d get a few minutes of free time to work on my game project.
A rush of nostalgia floods my veins, and my stomach sinks.
I miss the man I used to be. The man Rachel fell in love with, who had dreams of starting his own game studio.
I miss this project, which was part farm sim, part space exploration and survival.
I gave up its development completely when I left Ubisoft and took the job at True Keys.
And with it, I think I gave up part of myself, too.
“Why do you have this?” I immediately ask, my voice a tad bitter.
It’s not that I’m upset at Rachel for bringing this thing out. Rather, I’m bitter at the reminder of everything I’ve lost.
Rachel places the bulky laptop on my lap. “You know, one of my favourite parts of our old evenings was to walk in on you working on this thing. Plugged into its second screen in our bedroom.”