Chapter 16
Adrian
T his morning, I’m determined to make a change. To stop trying to take care of everyone around me—to take a day for myself.
Except when I step outside my house and into the town’s streets, it fully hits me how much easier it is said than done. The shops slowly open all around me, everything waking up for a new day.
My feet stop, and my hands ball into fists. I need to do something to help .
It’s the only thought in my head, over and over.
The urge to take care of everyone makes my heart pound. Fuck, I’d never realized just how strong the desire was until I decided to try and rise above it.
Trying to put myself first is going to be even harder than I thought.
I wish the streets were quieter. The noise makes my anxiety peak, like everyone is seeing me and telling me to come lend a hand.
The cooking.
The voices.
The chairs moving.
The doors opening.
The fucking footsteps.
It’s unbearable . I need to get away from everything.
I walk faster to get to higher ground, to get back to the mountains. To some quiet.
Every step away from the busy streets makes freedom feel within reach.
When I reach trails in the mountains and the noise fades away, a smile breaks through.
I did it. I walked away . It may not seem like much to most, but it means the world to me.
It’s progress, even if it’s small. I didn’t step into my caretaker role like I always do for the first time .
I lean against a tree as I look at my town, at the one place in the world that feels like home. Every building, every person, everything seems smaller. I can breathe a little easier.
I keep walking the trails, my confidence growing with every minute spent here. I can do this. I can try to change. I can live a little more for myself.
When I’m certain I will be able to say no, I return to the streets, where the real challenge resides. My shoulders curl in as I feel everyone’s eyes on me, like a silent call for my help.
No. You say no. Remember that. Stick with it.
I wave at the people I pass by, but still walk past the shops, a quiet way of saying I am not coming in to help this time.
Except, when Julian comes out of his restaurant, breathing heavily and his eyes searching his surroundings frantically, I rush to his side without a second thought.
Julian looks at me, his eyes still a little unfocused. “Sorry for worrying you like that. Just had an accident in there.” He looks down, opening his restaurant door as he mutters, “My parents are going to kill me.”
My heart pounds in my chest. It’s the right thing to do to help him.
But he didn’t ask you for help. Besides, you promised to take a day for yourself. Stick to the promises you make to yourself too.
Except, I recognize his tone and the look in his eyes. He’s discouraged and doesn’t know how to fix what just happened.
Sighing heavily, my resolve breaks, and I open the restaurant door to come help him.
Ugh, there I go again with the caretaking.
My resolve has lasted less than an hour.
Great.
…
When I leave Julian’s restaurant, it’s late. He thanks me with a smile, his spark of confidence back in his eyes. I grin back and head home.
I can’t help feeling discouraged. Disappointed with myself. When I promise to help others, I never go back on my word, but if I promise to show up for myself, I always go back on my word? I can’t believe my resolve lasted so little time.
Maybe that’s all I’m meant to be. A caretaker. Someone who just helps everyone else and was never meant to build something for himself. After all, I did it all my life, I can keep doing it.
A familiar pair of green eyes full of life fills my mind. Stella.
Since she came to our town, she makes me question everything. Her resilience and determination to change her life inspires me to make changes too.
But maybe I just don’t have the strength she has. I’m just meant to make everyone’s life easier. She has so much more determination than I do. She’s honest and can actually stick to her promises. She shows up when it matters.
She’s everything I need to be, but fail at being.
Caught in an overthinking loop, I change paths and head to my best friend’s house. I can’t be unbiased right now. I need my best friend. Jay can be a jokester, someone that makes you laugh, but more than that, he’s loyal. He cares deeply. He won’t let you go through bullshit alone.
And . . . I need that right now.
I wish I could say that my obsession with caretaking only concerned the people I love, but it would be a lie. Over the years, every single person I meet, every single person I talk to, always makes it to the top of the list. Always goes above me.
I want to stop this cycle, to hit pause from time to time, but it feels impossible when every aspect of my life has relied on my caretaking. How do you stop a pattern that runs so deep?
I knock on my best friend’s door, suddenly overthinking. What the fuck am I doing? This can wait until tomorrow. I’m about to turn back into the silent streets, when Jay opens the door.
I turn around to see him, disappointed and reassured that he answered the door. His smile is teasing, but his eyes are full of worry. “Well, well, well . . . I never thought I’d see the day. Adrian coming to MY house in the middle of the night. That’s a first.”
Yeah. It is.
“Yeah . . . I just—I—”
His easygoing facade slips, and he goes back to the emotionally steady best friend he’s always been for me.
Jay knows me better than I know myself. We’ve been friends since we were kids and, if it wasn’t for him, my sisters and I would have crumbled after my parents’ passing.
He and his parents lent a hand in every single way they could.
Jay helped me escape my problems with jokes and laughter, despite having his own struggles.
“Shit, this is bad, isn’t it?”
I manage to nod. Jay opens his door wide, letting me in.
His house has always been warm and cozy.
The couch with colorful cushions would make anyone smile just as much as it would give someone the comfort to relax a little.
The table is warm and decorated to the point of being overwhelming, but it’s also inviting.
You don’t have to do anything alone.
If there’s one thing Jay’s tried to make me feel over the years, it’s that. I might not always listen, but I’m listening now. It has to count for something.
“Adrian, you’re killing me. What’s going on?”
I sigh heavily, hesitating again. I’m making this a bigger deal than it is. It’s normal to not only think about yourself. Why am I even bothering him with this so late at night? I should have gone straight home. What did I think coming here, burdening my best friend with my problems?
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have come over.” I walk back to his door, intending to walk out. “This was stupid—”
A sudden gush of wind pushes me away from the door, and I tumble onto the couch from the sheer force of it.
Jay’s face is fully serious, an expression I so rarely see. “You never reach out for help, you idiot. I can see the gears turning in that head of yours. You are not leaving my house until you tell me what’s going on.”
At that, I chuckle. “Come on, this is an exaggeration—”
“Nope. You fell into my trap. You must play by my rules now.”
As always, Jay’s humor makes the worry feel a lot less heavy. Makes everything feel lighter.
I smile. “Okay, I’ll talk.”
Jay chuckles, and we both sit in his living room, the air turning thick from my stress.
“I’m scared,” I start, emotions coming back to hit me in full force.
“Of what?” Jay asks lightly, scooting closer.
“I don’t think I can stop,” I admit, tears welling in my eyes. I hate it every time. I don’t want Jay to worry about me. He has his own battles to fight through. He shouldn’t have to help fight mine .
His face turns sad, and he wraps his arms around me, understanding what I’m saying without me needing to say the words.
“Adrian,” he starts, his voice more gentle than I’ve ever heard it, “we all love to be taken care of. Especially by you. You’re a caretaker, and it’s a very positive trait to have. However, you should take care of yourself too.”
I crack a smile despite my aching heart. “You’ve been preparing this speech for a while, huh?”
He smiles back. “Over a decade. I always knew you’d need to hear that one day, Adrian.
We all know you can’t pour from an empty cup.
But I saw you do it every single day for most of your life.
” His eyes get teary, and I wrap my arms around him back.
I can’t stand the heartbreak in his eyes, especially knowing I put that there.
“But you never listened.” Jay sighs. “It didn’t matter who told you, how they said it, what words they used, when they said it . . . You never fully heard it. So, I had to bide my time and wait until you reached out.”
Dammit, he’s right. Jay has some wisdom in him, and he rarely shows it to the world.
My best friend has always been a bubble of jokes and laughter, but I understand now, even more, just how caring and serious he can be.
Despite it making him uncomfortable, he pushes through.
And maybe I need to be a little more like him.
Despite the fact that putting myself first makes me feel uncomfortable, I have to push through that feeling.
“But what about my sisters? They need me.”
Jay laughs. The guy actually laughs at my concern.
Jackass.
“Adrian, your sisters are adults now. They can figure shit out on their own without you bulldozing through to find the solution. And if they need help, they know you’ll be there to help. I’d be willing to bet that you taking care of them so much makes them feel guilty.”
That word snatches my attention, just like it did when Scarlett talked to me yesterday. “Guilty?”
“Yeah. They want you to be happy.” His voice is thick with emotion when he says, “We all want to see you happy, Adrian.” He takes a deep breath, and I hug him tighter, despite my mind reeling from everything he’s saying.
Jay sighs. “I think that they feel guilty that you put yourself on a pedestal to take care of them .”
I hate that everything I sacrificed for my sisters makes them feel guilty. I wanted my sacrifices to make them feel loved, important, prioritized, cared for.
The doubt I’ve been carrying for the last few days bubbles to the surface. Putting other people before me is something I do as easily as I breathe. I don’t have to think about it, I just do it.
It seems like a cycle I can never escape.
I take a deep breath before asking, “Do you think . . . I’ll ever be able to stop?”
Jay sighs heavily. “I absolutely believe you can, but I don’t think it will be easy. Patterns like that are fucking hard to break, but not impossible. I’m with you. I believe in you. I’ll help you out with anything.”
How do you break a pattern when you’ve been following it since you were a child? When it’s attached to losing the people you loved the most? When it’s so goddamn intense that it feels like a raging thunderstorm?
Jay smiles at me, and I can hear everything he doesn’t say in that smile. I know you don’t believe in yourself, but I do. I won’t let you let yourself down. I have your back. I see you.
He hugs me tightly, but I can feel tears slipping through my shirt. He’s crying for me . My heart breaks.
“I’m here if you need me, Adrian. I always have been, and I always will be.”
I grin softly, feeling hope come to life inside me. I’m not alone in this.
It will be just like it’s always been: Jay and me fighting our struggles together.
I wouldn’t want this to go any other way.