CHAPTER FOUR
Ten minutes later, Liz emerged from the office and they began leaving.
“Sorry,” she said, “that took longer than I thought. I guess I was responsible for, proportionally, a bit more than I realized.”
“It’s fine,” he replied. They headed back outside and were soon driving back. “I did, however, want to ask you a bit more about Krystal.”
“Mmm. Yes. She...does not handle change very well, I’ve come to realize. I think she used to. If anything, I think she used to crave it, and it was stability she couldn’t handle. But then she got a taste of real stability and now she’s reliant on it.”
“Real stability being a relationship with you?”
“Basically, yes. Everything I’ve learned about her past is just...
I have no idea how she survived like that for so long.
But I think it’s something a little deeper.
I think...she had something, some ability or attitude or something that allowed her to keep at bay the anxiety that came from constant, abrupt change.
“Or maybe even it somehow converted that anxiety into something more useful. But she began to lose it, and once we got settled, she lost it completely. And that terrifies her, except that she doesn’t really understand why she’s so terrified beyond ‘I don’t want to fuck this up and lose everything’. ”
“Haven’t you explained this to her?” he asked.
She sighed. “I’ve tried but she doesn’t seem to want to understand or fully grasp it. Or, if she does, it just doesn’t...stick.”
“Because it isn’t helping,” he murmured.
“What?” She glanced at him. “What do you mean?”
“She thinks it isn’t helping. I think I know what’s happening in her head.
You’re telling her this, and although it makes sense logically, it doesn’t make sense emotionally, or, at the very least, it doesn’t make the bad emotions go away.
And if it doesn’t make the bad emotions go away, then it must not be the solution. ”
“But you can’t just make bad emotions go away like that, you can’t just turn them off.”
“I know. And I think she knows, too. But I also think she’s just...overwhelmed. She’s exhausted, emotionally and mentally. She’s tired of fighting.”
Liz gripped the steering wheel. “Fighting what, though? I tried to remove as many things to fight as possible for her.”
“And you seem to have done a fantastic and loving job of it, Liz. But I’m talking about…” For a moment he struggled to articulate himself. “Krystal has depression and I’m pretty sure at least a touch of anxiety and almost certainly ADHD.”
“Definitely anxiety,” she muttered, then sighed. “Fuck, that came off so bitchy.”
“No, it’s fine, Liz. Like, I get that you’re right, you should try to lean away from thoughts like that, but it doesn’t make you a bitch to be frustrated with the people you love.
Even if it’s for something that isn’t their fault.
It’s...an extremely difficult position to be in.
I think too many people just genuinely do not understand the strain that comes from being a caretaker of someone you love, even when the role is for something ‘simple’ like anxiety and depression.
“But what she’s fighting is herself. Her thoughts, her feelings.
Having depression is like having chronic pain or a chronic condition.
It doesn’t just go away. Some days will be better than others, some weeks or even months might, but unless you manage it or, if you are very lucky, treat it, it’s going to come back.
“She’s fighting the voice in her head that’s whispering to her that she’s a fucking failure and a loser and piece of shit who’s going to fuck all the good things in her life up.
And I even imagine that she doesn’t want to push back against those thoughts for any reason beyond fear because she believes she doesn’t deserve the good things in her life. ”
“You’re speaking with a lot of authority on this,” Liz murmured.
“I see a lot of myself in Krystal. A lot of who I used to be...who I still am.” When Liz didn’t respond he looked over. She was gripping the steering wheel more tightly and he saw unshed tears in her eyes. “Ah shit, I’m sorry.”
“No!” she snapped, then paused, took a deep breath, let it out.
“Don’t be sorry, Gabe. It isn’t your fault.
I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at...life. It shouldn’t be this way.
But more than that, it doesn’t have to be.
Jesus fuck, if we could just get someone fucking sane to pass some fucking mental healthcare reform…
” She shook her head, sniffed, wiped at her eyes quickly.
“I’ll be fine. I’m emotional right now. I’m just mad for you and for Krystal.
For everyone who suffers with this shit and doesn’t fucking deserve it. ”
“Me too,” Gabe murmured. “Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why I’m so fucking all-in on this.
I mean...there’s other reasons, obviously, but one of the stupidest fucking things about society is that it’s broken, often on purpose, and we’re all supposed to just shrug and suffer.
Like, fuck that. We shouldn’t have to put up with this, and if we can figure out a way to carve out a little life for ourselves, we can at least cut out most of the bullshit. ”
“Yeah...although we’re going to have to deal with the medical industrial complex. Krystal needs therapy and medication. I at least need some therapy to work through some shit. Have you guys been having any luck there so far?”
“It’s been relatively smooth sailing, but we haven’t really dove in yet. We’ve gotten basic physicals for everyone over January, but it’s become obvious that if we want more we’re going to have to do it ourselves and dump a lot of money into it.”
“How do you mean?” she asked, pulling into the apartment’s parking lot.
“There’s a place you can just buy blood tests, and they’re even packaged under things like ‘depression’ and ‘exhaustion’ and ‘anxiety’.
Basically, you can have them draw your blood and check to see if you have too much or too little of certain things that might be making you exhausted or irritable or sad, independent of what’s actually going on around you or your own actions. ”
“I have heard of those places.” She parked and killed the engine. “I also heard they were expensive.”
“Yes. We’re going to have to drop a few grand on this at least, for five of us.”
“So you want me and Krystal to be involved in this.”
“Yeah.” He paused. “I mean...was that in question?”
She sighed and shook her head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to imply-sorry. I’m still getting used to the idea that we’re all, you know, a unit. Together. I’ve gotten really used to sort of closing the door on everyone but Krystal and my family...speaking of which…”
“Uh-oh,” Gabe muttered as Liz gave him a sheepish look.
“So...remember how I said it might go either way on whether or not my family insists on meeting you? It went that way. They want to meet you. Well, my mother wants to meet you. My dad’s away on a business conference right now and I told her I wasn’t going to hold this up any further and, honestly, I think my dad more or less trusts me not to be a dipshit. It’s my mom who is concerned.”
“How deep do her concerns go?” Gabe asked. “I’d like to know what I’m walking into.”
“Don’t worry, this isn’t an ambush or anything. She just wants to be convinced that I’m not throwing my life away for some boy and his girlfriends.”
“So she knows about the other girls then.”
“Correct. She is...dubious about the relationship. For obvious reasons.”
“For obvious reasons,” he agreed.
Gabe wasn’t sure how long it might take society to change for his current relationship of dating five women simultaneously while all of them were living together would be seen as, at the very least, acceptable.
There’d have to be a fundamental shift because there were still too many abusers in the world.
“So...can we do that? It’ll be an ‘all of us’ thing. I mean, well, all of us currently here. I figured we could pop over now, give them a break.”
Gabe began to respond, then paused as he got a text.
He pulled his phone out and checked it. It had come from Ellen.
He slowly raised his eyebrows as he found himself staring at Ellen, Krystal, and Holly standing in front of their mirror, awkwardly stuffed into the bathroom together, with their shirts up, big pale tits exposed.
“I really like my life now,” he murmured.
“Oh wow,” Liz said, looking as well. “Fuck. Man. I can’t even with Ellen’s tits.
They’re so insanely huge. I know some of it is because she’s so tall, but...
I can honestly understand why, like a few thousand years ago, you might be some basic bitch peasant and see a woman like Ellen and think she’s somehow divine or even a Goddess in human form. She just has such...presence.”
“She really does,” he agreed.
“I wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you for getting me into a relationship that allows me sexual access to Ellen and Holly because oh my fucking God are they hot.”
He laughed. “Yes, they are, and you’re welcome, and thank you for letting me beat your pussy up.”
She snorted. “Is that what it’s called these days?”
“I think that’s what it was like fifteen years ago maybe. I still hear it now, but yeah, it still sounds kind of stupid.”
“It’s accurate, at least. Come on.” She got out and he followed her. As they made their way inside, she stopped suddenly. “Wait so, I did that thing I do where I sort of just assume someone agrees with me...are you cool with this? Going to see my mom about this?”
“Yes, I’m cool.”
“Okay, thank you. Seriously, thank you, this means a lot that you’re so willing to work with me on things. Like, I love Krystal...but dear God, does she dig in her heels sometimes. And she doesn’t even know why. Anyway, um, come on.”
They headed into the apartment and found the three women sitting around the living room finishing up packing boxes.
“Hey, how’d it go?” Krystal asked.
“Great. Showed Gabe off and everything. And I am officially finished with my job. All gone. Now, I need everyone’s help doing something else.”
“Uh-oh, parents time?” Krystal asked.
“Mother time, but yes, basically.”
“She wants to know you’re going to be safe?” Ellen asked.
“Yep. And she’s reasonable...for the most part. We definitely had a falling out in my early twenties because she expected way too much from me. But, um, we’re more or less smooth now. And I want to help her feel all right about this. I don’t think she’ll ever feel good about it.”
“I’m ready to help,” Holly said.
“Same,” Ellen agreed.
“Yeah, we can do this now.” Krystal grinned at Gabe as she stood up. “You like that pic?”
“Duh,” he replied.
“Don’t fucking sass me, I sent you a pic of my tits, and Ellen’s and Holly’s!”
“Ellen sent it.”
“Because I suggested it!”
“Oh my God, Krystal, get your shit and let’s go, babe,” Liz said firmly.
Krystal seemed to hesitate, for a moment caught uncertainly between him and Liz, and finally just sighed and rolled her eyes and went to pull her shoes and coat on.
This was going to be interesting, seeing how that particular dynamic settled.
While Liz had little desire to be dominant in the bedroom, outside the bedroom was obviously a different story.
Definitely interesting.
The others began getting ready.