Chapter 18
I tried to talk to him tonight, about feelings and hearts and hopes. He said he has trouble speaking of such things. I’m afraid of what he might say if he tried.
P erry was having difficulty focusing on anything.
In the space of one night her entire life had changed.
Her assumptions about everything. She and Carson had done things to each other that she had never done with anyone.
Things that she had never imagined she would do with him , because it was a dream and a fantasy that she had buried well and often.
Images of what had happened never stopped playing over and over in her mind. A constant reminder of how hot last night had been.
You slept with your best friend. It was the best sex you’ve ever had.
You can’t wait to do it again.
You get to do it again.
Yes. All true.
Yet she had never felt so much as if she were standing on the edge of a perilous cliff, in danger of going over at the slightest breeze.
She was bustling about, creating a bouquet out of some blossoms left over from a special order, something to have for spontaneous purchases, when her shop door opened, and Marissa Rivera walked in.
Perry stood, frozen for a moment. She had never even come close to being the other woman.
And while she knew that one date with Carson did not make Marissa his girlfriend, she did feel weird about the way everything had happened last night.
In fact, she hadn’t even really had time to hear how things had gone down between Carson and Marissa, because they had been too busy with their screaming fight in the street, and then all the sex.
“Hi, Perry,” said Marissa. “I just wanted to let you know that I heard the Medford building is going on the market early.”
The announcement was so different from what Perry had been thinking about that it took her a second to catch up with reality.
“Oh?”
“Yes. So … I don’t know where you’re at right now, but it would be best if we could secure some kind of financing and get an offer in. I know you don’t have the house up for sale yet …”
“Yeah. No. It’s … you’re right. I need to do something. If I want that building.”
“I’m sorry about the timeline. I grumbled at the seller’s agent, but he just said that things change, and they need to off-load the building quicker than they thought.”
“Maybe I should put the house up for rent.”
“That’s not a bad idea.”
Perry nodded. “I … Carson is … he’s working on the house and …”
“I know,” said Marissa. “We don’t have to be awkward about him.”
“I would love to say that I’m not awkward about him, but it is a little bit awkward right now.” It was also supposed to be a secret. She was the one who had told Carson it needed to stay a secret, and now she was the one who had let the cat out of the bag.
“I told him last night that it was obvious he was jealous of your date.”
Perry blinked. “Did you?”
“Yes. He was frothing at the mouth. I thought you guys were just friends. I didn’t know I was getting in the middle of something. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, you don’t owe me an apology,” said Perry. “Carson owes us both an apology.” When she said that, she realized it was true. Because he was the one who had dragged Marissa into the middle of things when …
Okay, she’d done the same thing to West. But West wasn’t here. For her part, she hadn’t done anything to Marissa.
“Because you know, he’s certainly never been interested in me before,” Perry explained. “So all of that last night was … it was unexpected.”
“Well. I’m glad there wasn’t something I was supposed to know that I missed.”
Perry shook her head. “No. I was never upset with you. A little upset at myself. Definitely upset at him.”
“I guess my next question is, are you actually still going to move?”
That question paralyzed Perry for a second. “Yes,” she said. “I don’t …” She sighed. “I’ve known Carson since I was seven. He had twenty-five years to do something about us. He didn’t. He’s not promising anything. You know, his wife died a year and half ago …”
“Yeah,” Marissa said. “You don’t have to tell me. It’s complicated. I get it. I’m really asking in a professional capacity. Unless you need to talk about it in a personal capacity.”
“You really are a girl’s girl, Marissa, and I appreciate it. But I don’t know how to talk about it.”
Marissa nodded. “I’m sorry. That’s heavy.”
“Maybe it doesn’t have to be. Maybe I’m making it more difficult than it needs to be.”
“I doubt it. What is love if not consensual torture?”
Perry couldn’t argue with that.
Because so far, being romantic with Carson felt mildly torturous in ways both good and bad.
Her phone lit up, and she saw Carson’s name.
“Speaking of …”
“Let me know about the offer. Or if you need any help with anything. I can talk to Randall down at Mountain Mortgage about getting something going.”
“Yeah. Okay. I’ll … I’ll be in touch.”
But she was already opening her phone even as Marissa was leaving, and she felt guilty, because she should’ve devoted her whole attention to the other woman. Marissa had been so much nicer than she needed to be. But Perry was desperate to read Carson’s text.
Dinner with Austin tonight? Millie invited us.
Sure.
It was such a normal thing. Routine for them. She hadn’t been baking or anything, though. She hadn’t gotten used to working farther away from where she was living. She hadn’t gotten used to the new kitchen.
Whatever. She was making excuses about not baking when the truth was, she was just distracted by Carson.
Dinner was going to be the two of them at his brother’s house pretending they hadn’t had sex.
She wondered how that would play out.
How is your day going?
She smiled at his text. Fine.
I’ve been thinking about you.
Don’t , she responded.
Why not?
It was too much like their letters, in which she’d poured her heart out, and had started to believe their shared confidences meant something. Now there was sex between the words they were trading, and if she wasn’t careful, she was going to start hoping for love again.
She didn’t say that.
She also didn’t say: I think about you all the time.
Because that was the road to insanity.
For the rest of the afternoon, she was simply counting minutes until he came to get her, and she was left pondering exactly how she had ended up in this situation.
How trying to put distance between herself and Carson had resulted in her being more wrapped around him and obsessing to a degree she hadn’t done since she was a teenage girl.
When he walked in the door right at five o’clock, her heart nearly burst out of her chest.
She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. They had decided to keep their romance to themselves. But it seemed wrong not to go and kiss him.
He answered the question of what to do when he walked straight through the store, behind the counter, and cupped her cheek with his hand, breaking the barriers of their friendship in one easy move, before moving in to kiss her on the mouth. “I’ve been wanting to do that all day.”
“You realize the entire town is out there.”
“Yeah,” he said, making eye contact with her.
“Carson,” she said, feeling pained.
“Sorry. I don’t know how not to touch you. Which I know is wild, considering …”
“You didn’t touch me for twenty-five years?”
“You didn’t touch me either.”
That shut her up. Because as often as she’d felt she had been wronged, he was right. She had never said anything. She had never touched him.
For a very long time, she had sat in a lot of quiet fury about his not choosing her. She had let life make her scared.
She had learned to push everything down.
Now it was all rising back up, and maybe that was a good thing.
Their relationship had never been fragile. Maybe that was the truth she needed to cling to. They had survived his going to war, they had survived his marrying another woman, and her telling him they were codependent.
They had survived his attempts at not being on this earth.
She had no idea where this was headed. But they had never been fragile.
“Should we stop and get something for dinner?”
“Maybe.”
“Let’s do it, so things don’t seem weird.”
“What do you mean?”
“Normally, I bring bread or something.”
He frowned. “Yeah. I guess so.”
“You haven’t noticed that? And that I’ve been not making bread since … well, since all of this started.”
“Yeah. When you came to my house and told me that you were leaving town.”
“I’m doing a great job of leaving,” she said. She tapped the countertop. “Marissa came by. She told me that the florist shop in Medford is going up for sale earlier than expected.”
“Oh,” he said. “So … what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I really don’t. I’m not … I’m not sure what the right thing to do is. Because I really did want to have more money in my bank account before taking on a mortgage.”
“You can list the house as is. But I’m definitely going to need a couple more weeks to finish what I’ve started.”
“Maybe I’ll rent it out. I’m starting to question my decision to sell. Finding the extra journal in the wall reminded me how much that house is part of my family. Part of me.”
“Yeah,” he said.
“I have a complicated relationship with my family. You know that. But not with my grandmother. And I know she didn’t want the house to be a burden. But it isn’t. It’s never been anything but a gift. I just wonder if I’m missing something. I …”
She bit her tongue. “Carson … I told you that I’ve wanted you for a long time.”
He nodded slowly.
“That was why I wanted to leave.”
He looked stunned. “You said …”
“I get it. I know what I said. But I don’t really have anything to protect now. Because … you know. Because I basically flung myself at you and …”
“I flung myself at you too. You’re not alone in this, Perry.”