Chapter 18 #2
“But all those things I yelled at you last night in the street. I’ve been wanting you.
And spending so much time with you just felt pointless.
It felt like a roadblock. To the rest of my life.
Because how was I ever going to meet a man and marry him, and have kids with him, when I was in this relationship with you?
When you were away it was easier. When you were married it was … easy isn’t the word.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m … I’m so sorry.”
She shook her head, and she made what she knew was a terrible face. “Please don’t apologize to me. This is a huge reason why I never wanted to have this conversation. I cannot bear for you to feel sorry for me.”
“I don’t. I feel … regret. I don’t pity you, Perry.
But I decided when you started looking pretty to me, when you started to become a woman, I decided that I could never take advantage of you.
You know … you know how I see myself. My family.
I made a decision because I wanted to protect you.
But instead, I hurt you. This is my whole damned life, isn’t it?
I never wanted to hurt you, ever. I wanted to spare you, and I fucked things up anyway. I hate that. I’m sorry, because …”
“You don’t have to protect me from what you feel,” she said, still trying to sort through the implications of what he was saying.
“I think sometimes I don’t even realize what I’m holding back because I haven’t processed all of it.
If I don’t say it out loud to you, I think a lot of my thoughts go without being understood.
But you’re right. When I was a horny teenage boy and I was with you all the time, I did want you.
And I decided to make you into something other than a woman to desire.
My saint. My angel. My Perry. So that I wouldn’t.
I stopped it. And any time it ever threatened to pop up, I would end it.
Because it seemed right. I just wanted to protect you. I still do.”
She realized that this was his version of pushing down feelings that were too big to comprehend.
He was a man, so the realization had taken a physical shape first. She had loved him before she had felt attraction like that.
He had known when she had started to get breasts that he wanted to touch them. The urge was very male.
But it was honest. And she could understand it.
She also realized that life had hurt him, badly, and taught him early not to care, just as it had her. Which meant they had curtailed their romantic feelings at a very young age out of a sense of self-preservation, and why wouldn’t they?
“We’re really kind of a mess,” she said.
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“I don’t need to make a decision about the building right now.”
And right then, she felt the same ambivalence as she did about being pregnant.
Maybe if the Medford building ended up being unavailable, and all of her plans fell through, she could just say, oh well.
Maybe everything would be fine. Maybe she could throw her hands up and say that fate had intervened.
After all, there had been a lot of things that had happened to Carson and her that they hadn’t chosen. Maybe some good things could fall into place the same way.
He nodded. “Okay.”
“You can finish the house, and then if the building’s still available, I’ll make some decisions. If not, maybe I’ll have to go back to the drawing board, but … I can’t commit to anything right now.”
“Good. All right.”
She was buying them both time. To sit with these revelations.
To sit with this new stage of their relationship.
She closed up the florist shop and got into his truck.
They went to the grocery store and walked down the short aisles with a small cart, grabbing dinner rolls and a pie.
Then they headed back up toward the ranch.
She wondered if they looked as changed as she felt. Because when she looked at him, she just saw his naked body now. She had a feeling when he looked at her, he saw the same. So she wondered what everybody else was going to see.
“Well, here we go,” she said.
He laughed and grabbed the bag with the pie and the bread.
When they walked into the house, everyone was already there: Millie and Austin, Cassidy, Flynn, and Dalton.
“Hey, traitor,” said Flynn.
Perry was deeply confused by Flynn’s greeting until she realized that he was talking to Carson, and that it was a reference to his restoring the wagon for Jessie Jane.
It felt as if that controversy had originated a whole different lifetime ago.
She now couldn’t believe it had set her off. But it had.
“Hi yourself,” said Carson.
“Leave him alone,” said Cassidy, fussing around Carson.
“Why are you being nice to me?” Carson asked his sister, batting her hand away when she went to touch his cowboy hat.
“Because,” she said, “somebody should.”
Perry frowned. She realized that Cassidy wasn’t looking at her. Interesting.
“I’m going to bring the pie and bread into the kitchen,” she said, taking them back from Carson.
“Cassidy,” said Perry, “you want to come with me?”
She had noticed Cassidy was being a little standoffish with her.
She hadn’t been chatty when she’d served her dessert the other night.
But Cassidy was a Wilder and that meant she was sometimes twitchy, so Perry didn’t take it personally.
Especially since she was dealing with her own stuff—namely, banging Cassidy’s brother.
Cassidy met her gaze and she worried momentarily that Cassidy could read her mind.
Of course she couldn’t.
She was not going to let Carson’s little sister be mad at her. She had known Cassidy since she was a kid. If Cassidy had a beef with her, then Perry was going to hear about it.
“Sure,” said Cassidy, accompanying her into the kitchen. “What’s going on?” Perry asked.
“Nothing,” said Cassidy.
“That’s not true. You’re being nice to Carson, and I think it’s because you’re mad at me.”
“I don’t understand why you’re leaving,” Cassidy said. “And the longer I think about it, the more it doesn’t make any sense.”
Perry hadn’t considered that her move would hurt Cassidy as well as Carson. Oh, Cassidy wasn’t saying that, and likely, she wasn’t going to. That wasn’t the point, though. She was defending Carson’s feelings, but Perry could see there was something else.
“I haven’t decided if I am leaving, actually. Just because some things came up with the building, and I might not actually be able to go.”
“Oh,” said Cassidy. “But you want to.”
“Yes. But it has nothing to do with you, or your family, or how I feel about anybody.”
“I didn’t say that it did,” said Cassidy, stubbornly.
“You didn’t. But I know how you feel. Because I also have terrible parents that basically don’t care what I do. And I understand what it’s like when somebody takes off, and it feels like a direct reaction to you.”
Carson’s joining the military had felt that way. Carson’s marrying someone else had felt that way. Because while she had loved him wildly, she had also been immature. So in her mind, everything he did related to her.
She hadn’t fully realized that until this moment. Until looking at the expression in Cassidy’s eyes had reminded her of the pain she had experienced.
“I know that Austin has Millie now. But for most of my life you were basically the only woman around.”
Perry had never considered that, and it felt like a stab wound that she hadn’t. She had been so wrapped up in her own stuff.
“You’re the closest thing I have to a sister,” Perry said. “And you’re a good one.”
“Oh.” Cassidy’s eyes filled with tears and Perry moved over to her, pulling her close. She really hadn’t considered everyone she would be leaving behind. She had been so eager to sever that bond. To create her new life.
“There are so many things I don’t want to leave behind.”
“I don’t understand, then,” Cassidy said, looking bleak. “Sometimes you have to change your surroundings in order to change yourself. That’s the best way I can describe it.” She released her hold on Cassidy.
“But what about Carson?”
“I need Carson to take care of himself for a little bit,” she said.
“I thought he was your best friend.”
“He is. And more besides. But … things happen.”
She had probably revealed too much. And Cassidy clearly didn’t know what to make of her admission. Perry didn’t clarify.
Soon, it was time for all of them to sit down to dinner, and the seriousness of the moment evaporated.
Dalton and Flynn performed what was essentially a comedy routine, the quick rhythm of their barbs bouncing back and forth across the table while Cassidy injected dry commentary to bring them back down to earth.
Millie smiled, serene, and Perry often wondered what Millie thought, being dropped into the center of this clan. The siblings were so rowdy, and very much not the kind of family you’d expect a librarian to choose to marry into.
But then, Austin had always been something of an enigma. A little bit dangerous, a little bit studious.
It was odd that she had never quite realized until today how deep some of Carson’s emotions were buried. How much he thought about things. Except when he didn’t want to think about them and cut them off at the source. Probably because he felt things as deeply as his brother did.
But Carson built things, rather than reading. Austin took information in, digested it for years. He had written a book. Carson made things. Maybe that was what he was trying to say about his marriage. He had been trying to build something.
She shook off her introspection and just enjoyed the conversation.
She got up to go to the bathroom, and on her way back, she ran into Carson. He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulled her against the wall, and kissed her.
Until she was breathless.
“What are you doing?” she asked, laughing because she couldn’t help herself.