Chapter Nineteen
Lissa checks her phone as she parks outside Saskia’s house once again.
She thinks she’s partly looking for an excuse not to go through with this – because does she really think that tarot cards are going to help her?
– but all she has is a message from Darcy wishing her luck and asking her to ask Saskia when she – Darcy – is likely to find her soulmate.
As she walks to the front door, though, one more message pops up. Her heart does that familiar little skip as she opens it.
Are you free next Saturday? There’s somewhere I’d like to take you.
Straight to the point, without so much as a how are you. Without reference to the fact that apart from her birthday message, they haven’t spoken since the night they kissed.
Where? she types back, figuring that if he is being abrupt, she can be too.
You’ll have to meet me to find out.
She bites her lip as she rings the doorbell.
She’s decided, in the space she’s had from him, that perhaps she’s overthinking things.
Yes, they kissed, but that didn’t mean he wanted to move in together and get a golden retriever, did it?
And maybe she wasn’t even that attracted to him.
They’d been drinking that night, after all, and it’s easy, under the influence, to think you really fancy someone – she’s made that mistake plenty of times before.
She looks up as the front door opens. Saskia’s grey hair is down today, her eyes creased in a smile.
‘I’m glad you came,’ she says, gesturing Lissa inside.
Lissa tries not to think too hard about it as she follows Saskia to her back room.
It’s not going to hurt, is it? And a distant part of her can’t help wondering if it might actually help – given that she believes she’s experiencing memories of past lives, is it really such a stretch to think some people may be able to see the future?
‘So,’ Saskia says as they take seats opposite one another.
The couch, Lissa is guessing, will go unused again today.
‘How this usually works is that the querent – that would be you – asks a question, and we use the cards to help answer it.’ Lissa sees them now – the deck of cards, sitting on Saskia’s desk.
‘Er, right.’ She didn’t realise she’d be expected to come up with a question. She frowns, trying to think of what she wants to know most. Why is she getting these memories? Or, are the memories real? Or, what is she supposed to be learning from them?
Saskia smiles a little at whatever passes over Lissa’s face. ‘I got the impression last time that you were a little confused about things in the past, and what they might mean.’
‘Right,’ Lissa agrees, thankful that Saskia is taking charge. ‘Yes.’
‘So perhaps we could do a general reading to give you an idea of where you are now and a sense of what’s to come? I’m hoping it might clear up some things, and help direct you.’
‘Okay. Yes. That sounds good.’
‘We’ll do the Celtic Cross.’ Saskia picks up the cards and shuffles with quick, practised fingers. Lissa nods, because what else is she supposed to do?
She feels her nerves spike as Saskia begins to lay the cards out on the desk in front of them, forming an uneven cross.
She doesn’t say anything as she does, doesn’t give away anything with her expression, but to Lissa’s untrained eye, some of them look pretty damn alarming.
A man dead on the ground, swords coming out of his back.
A woman blindfolded and all tortured-looking. A creature labelled The Devil.
Saskia studies the cards for a moment, then sits back, placing her hands in her lap. ‘Now, forgive me if I’m wrong, but I’m assuming you don’t know much about tarot.’
‘You’d be right,’ Lissa says drily.
Saskia smiles a little, then nods. ‘Well, the first thing I’d say is that there are quite a lot of swords in this reading, which can be an indication of challenges and difficulties in your life.’
Lissa glances at the various sword cards on the desk. Does that mean the challenge of figuring out what these memories are about? Or does it mean more practical things – her anxiety, her mum, her search for a job?
‘We begin with things as they are now.’ Saskia points to a card directly in front of her, in the middle of a column of three, partly obscured by another card lying horizontally across it. This is the blindfolded woman, a tower looming ominously behind her. It doesn’t look great, Lissa has to say.
‘I’d say this is indicating that you feel trapped or restricted by something,’ Saskia continues, looking to her for confirmation.
She gives a half-shrug. ‘I suppose so.’ Trapped by needing to stay put, by her mum. But she’s trying to do something about that, isn’t she? She’s trying to apply for different jobs, looking at cities she can commute to.
‘Well, what I’d always say with this card is that although it may feel bad at the moment, remember that you are less trapped than you think. It’s within your power to change your situation, but only if you recognise what you’ve done to create it.’
Lissa frowns. ‘What I’ve done?’
Saskia gives her another of those creased smiles. ‘It can be a state of mind rather than something you’re actively doing. Something you need to reflect on in order to break free of it.’
‘I think I’m already doing that.’ It’s hard not to sound defensive. But that’s the whole reason she’s here, isn’t it? To reflect.
‘Well, that’s good then,’ Saskia says neutrally. ‘So now we move to current challenges or obstacles.’ She indicates the card lying horizontally over the trapped woman. The Devil. A winged creature setting fire to people in chains and collars beneath him. Fabulous.
‘This can make some people panic,’ Saskia says, ‘but it’s often more about something dark in your own psyche rather than an external force out to get you.
’ She hesitates for a beat, then adds, ‘The Devil is also often seen as the lord of patterns – of circles and cycles that go round and round. A pattern you might be trapped in.’ She indicates the first card – the trapped, blindfolded woman.
‘So I’m trapped by a pattern?’ Lissa asks, frowning. She thinks of the memories she’s having. A sister who died in all of her past lives. A romance that is still unfolding in every one of them. A death. Because although she’s only seen one of her deaths, she knows there has to be more.
Is that what this means? A certain pattern repeating over and over? A sister who dies because of something she does. A mother who hates her because of that. A romance, someone she falls for completely.
Ash. Her mind goes there even when she doesn’t want it to. But is he part of this – part of the pattern repeating itself? And if so, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
‘I can see you thinking it through,’ Saskia says gently. ‘And what I would say is that it feels to me like there is a danger of this cycle – whatever it is – repeating endlessly. But,’ she adds forcefully, when Lissa makes a face, ‘you do have the power to break free of it if you make a change.’
Lissa bites her lip. ‘What change, though?’
Saskia shakes her head. ‘I wish I could tell you that.’
Lissa hesitates, then decides what the hell – in for a penny, right? ‘I think it might be about the past lives. The ones I told you about last time. I think there might be a pattern to all of them – a similar thing happening again and again. Could that be it?’
‘It could,’ Saskia says, and Lissa reckons that’s about as much agreement as she’s going to get.
‘So does this mean I need to do something different in this life?’ Or is it too late – is it that she needs to do something in the next life, to save Chloe?
‘Maybe. Let’s see if the cards can help, shall we?
We now look to something in the past that might still be influencing you now.
’ Saskia points to the card the furthest to the left.
A heart being pierced by three swords. ‘The Three of Swords. This is usually grief or trauma.’ She pauses, then asks, ‘I think you mentioned a sister who died?’
Lissa’s throat bobs as she swallows. ‘Yes. And yes, that does still influence me.’
Saskia nods slowly. ‘Well, maybe it’s about coming to terms with something to do with her death. It might be that it’s only by doing so that you’re able to break the pattern.’
Lissa nods, but she’s frowning. There’s only so much coming to terms with it she can do – she’s accepted it, hasn’t she? She isn’t still lost to grief like her mum. And how would that help across multiple lifetimes? It does add credence to her theory that it might all be about Chloe, though.
‘Looking ahead now,’ Saskia says, ‘to a possible future. And I emphasise possible here, because the future is never set in stone.’ Lissa wonders if she emphasises that so strongly because of how bleak the next card looks.
The Ten of Swords. The man lying face-down in the grass, alone, swords sticking out of his back.
‘Is it a death?’ Lissa can’t help asking.
‘Not necessarily,’ Saskia says slowly. Necessarily. Well, that’s a brilliant comfort. ‘But it’s definitely the end of something.’
‘My job?’ That would be a good thing, right?
Saskia’s eyebrows pull together. ‘Maybe. But I think it’s more linked to this pattern you’re in.’ She indicates the Devil, and under him, the trapped woman.
‘So I break free of it? End the pattern?’
‘Perhaps,’ Saskia says.
It’s not very definite is it, this whole tarot thing?
Or maybe Saskia just doesn’t want to tell her the truth, because could this be another death, another of her deaths?
Could it mean that this life is going to end, only to repeat the pattern all over again?
Because she hasn’t learnt what she needs to learn?