Chapter 34
Summer
Limaj is a beautiful country. There’s a light smattering of snow on the ground as we drive up to the palace and I’m dumbfounded that this is my life now.
Being in a relationship with a rockstar and hanging out with royalty.
I never could have imagined living like this and it’s exciting, no matter how much I try to downplay it in my head.
“This is so fucking cool,” Ryleigh says, staring out at the beautiful building as we glide into an underground garage.
“I wish Ariel was here,” Tyler Thompson, Nobody’s Fool’s bass player, says, referring to his wife. “But she’s coming with the baby in November and we couldn’t get her out here in time.”
They talk logistics and things I’m not familiar with, but it seems like they’re all married, some even have kids, and they appear to be managing just fine.
I’m beginning to wonder if it’s just me that’s worried about anything and everything.
We keep blaming all my anxiety on my pregnancy hormones but that’s only part of it.
The hormones make me more likely to cry, that’s for sure, but deep down I’m dealing with myriad insecurities.
My dad walked out on my mom and me out of the blue, so I think there’s some deep-seated trauma about that. I’ve never articulated it before, but I’ve never been in love with a rockstar or pregnant before either. It was easy to bury all of that under hard work and taking care of my mother.
Now that I’m in a serious relationship and about to become a mother myself, all kinds of negative memories are messing with my psyche.
My dad leaving when things got tough in my parents’ marriage.
Patrick leaving me when I couldn’t move to Philadelphia with him.
My mom essentially left me too, even though it’s not her fault.
The idea of being abandoned never bothered me much because I’ve always been fiercely independent, determined to survive no matter what life throws at me.
So, I’m pretty sure the pregnancy is playing a big part in whatever it is making me so needy and insecure.
What makes it even more difficult is that I don’t feel like myself these days, and I know Tate is being extremely cautious with everything he says and does.
And that’s not fair to him.
I just don’t know how to brush off all the different emotions I’m experiencing.
I’m scared because I’ve fallen in love with my gorgeous, sweet, and generous husband, and I have no idea if he feels the same way. Instead of being honest with him, I’m waiting for him to say it first. Like this is high school or something.
I should know better than that.
Hell, I should be better than that.
I hate the feeling that I’m holding back emotionally because I’m afraid he’s going to leave me once the baby comes and he realizes that the distance between us is too much.
I keep trying to believe in him, in us, but since that encounter with Sherry the self-doubt is slowly starting to overwhelm me.
Now that I have these extra days with him, I want to make the most of them, find a way to bare my soul.
Maybe if I can tell him my fears—and anxieties and insecurities—we can work through some of them together.
I don’t know that I have anything to lose because the worst-case scenario for me is him leaving.
It doesn’t matter if it happens now or six months from now or ten years from now—it will suck if it happens so I might as well do what I can to build a solid foundation.
And I think I have to start by opening up about everything.
There’s a lot going on this afternoon, but we should have time tonight, when we go to bed, to talk.
I’m jolted back to the present as the limo slows to a stop and everyone starts to get out.
“Welcome!” Casey Hart is standing a few feet away and I’m momentarily starstruck.
Even though I’m not a big fan of rock music, my mother always was, and you’d have to be living under a rock not to know the name Casey Hart. The fact that she’s now actual royalty, and standing less than ten feet away from me, is mind-boggling.
We’re all introduced and then we’re shown to our suites. Ours is more like a studio apartment, with a separate sitting area, kitchenette, and a shower that’s bigger than my entire bathroom.
“This is magnificent,” I whisper, looking around.
“Pretty cool, huh?” He pulls me close. “And look—a new bed for us to break in.”
I laugh. “Has that been the goal of this tour? Breaking in a different bed every couple of nights.”
“Isn’t it?” he deadpans.
“Probably.” I look around. “Do you know what we’re doing this afternoon?”
“They’re taking us into the city center for a little sightseeing. Then we’ll come back here for dinner.”
“Could we make it an early night?” I ask softly.
“Sure.” He looks alarmed. “Are you okay? Do you need—”
“I’m fine,” I interrupt. “I just want a little down time together before you do this amazing show. Tomorrow’s going to be a busy day.”
“Absolutely.” He kisses me. “Let me know when you’re done and we’ll come back, even if the others aren’t ready.”
As always, he’s the most considerate guy I’ve ever known.
And that’s why I want to do everything I can to make this marriage work.
* * *
We spend a wonderful afternoon in Hiskale, the capital of Limaj, and get back to the palace around seven.
There’s a buffet dinner set up in some kind of ballroom, and it’s fun to be here with not just the band, but Nobody’s Fool, their significant others, Sasha, and her extended family.
I didn’t realize that Tyler has an identical twin named Marcus, who’s one of the elite bodyguards to the king, here at the palace.
“Normally, I worry about how much I eat,” I say as I sit down with a heaping plate of food, “but not with all the walking we’ve been doing!”
“Today was epic!” Lexi says, sinking down next to me. “But I never gain weight in Europe. It’s the craziest thing, but I can have ice cream every day and never gain an ounce. At home, I just have to look at ice cream and I gain two pounds.”
“The food is different here,” Ryleigh says. “They don’t allow GMOs in Europe, and everything is fresher.”
“Whatever it is, I like it,” Lexi says.
“Where’s Zane?” I ask, referring to her ten-month-old son.
“I have no idea,” she says, laughing. “Rosie’s been fighting a cold, so I offered to not go into town this afternoon to let her get some sleep but someone named Edita came and stole Zane, said they were taking care of him for me and that’s the last I saw of him.”
I blink. “You’re not…worried?”
“Here?” She laughs. “Not even a little. Tyler is like family, and Casey is family now by extension because of him. We always get treated like royalty when we’re here.
In fact, Rosie texted a couple of hours ago to tell me someone called a doctor for her and they got her some antibiotics because it turns out she has a sinus infection.
So no, I’m sure my baby boy is being spoiled to death by whomever he’s with. ”
“I guess I don’t know everyone the way you do,” I say apologetically.
“Oh, believe me, if we were anywhere else, other than my dad’s house or with Zaan’s parents, I wouldn’t feel this way. But this is like home. Casey is truly one of the best people I know.”
I look around the room and realize that everyone here is pretty wonderful and I’ve taken that for granted.
“I’m still trying to figure out how I fit in,” I admit, “but every time I come hang out I feel like I fit in a little more.”
“You’re one of us,” Ryleigh says, sinking down across from us.
For some reason, that makes me well up with tears.
“Thanks,” I sniffle. “Don’t mind me—everything makes me cry these days.”
“I remember,” Lexi says. “But it will all be worth it when you meet your little guy or girl.”
“You don’t know what it is yet, right?” Ryleigh asks.
I shake my head. “Not yet. My twenty-week appointment is coming up right after I get back, and that’s when we should find out.”
“It’s so exciting,” Lexi says, grinning. “I didn’t love being pregnant, but being a mom has been great.”
“Has it been hard being on tour with him?” I ask. “If you don’t mind me asking.”
“Not at all. And the answer is complicated. Yes, it’s been hard but not harder than being at home wishing I was on tour.
The first two months was pretty magical.
The three of us bonding—although my husband plays pro hockey so he was only home a week before he had to go back.
Our families hovering, everyone so excited to meet him. But then reality sets in.
“And there’s nothing bad. He started sleeping from about eight-thirty to six-thirty by the time he was three months old, and I had both an overnight nanny as well as a regular nanny to help out.
But after a while, I started itching to get back to work.
To sing and play music and do what I do.
I love my son more than almost anything, but I couldn’t give up who I am and what I do to just be a mom.
Some people can. I am apparently not one of them. ”
“I don’t know what kind of mom I’m going to be yet,” I say. “But I don’t think I could just stay home and do nothing else.”
“I hear you bake the most unbelievable pies ever,” Lexi says. “And I’d like to know why I haven’t tasted one yet.”
“Well, it’s kind of hard to bake on tour,” I say pointedly.
“They’re amazing,” Ryleigh stage whispers.
“What’s amazing?” Tate asks as he sits down on my other side.
“My pies,” I answer, just as my phone pings with a text from Dolly.
DOLLY: Call me, please. There’s a situation with your mom.