Chapter 14 #2
Garrett’s laugh was soft. “It makes sense to me.” Sobering, he carded his fingers through my hair. “Not gonna lie—that first option sounds seriously tempting. But the second part…” He bit his lip.
“Yeah, it’s…” I swallowed, not sure what to say. When I fidgeted with all this nervous energy, though, a fresh bolt of pain through my hip brought even more reality into sharp focus, and I swore. “I’m, uh… I’m honestly not sure I’m up for much tonight anyway.”
Concern sketched over his face.
Gesturing at myself, I laughed nervously. “Today’s one of those days when this meat carcass is reminding me how much I’ve abused it over the past few decades.”
“It’s that bad?”
“I mean, it’s not terrible? But… it might, uh, hold me back tonight.
” I swept my tongue across my lips and added, “More than I want to be held back.” Even as I spoke, I couldn’t begin to make sense of all the feelings coursing through me right then.
Frustration. Exhilaration. Relief. Probably a dozen things I’d never even felt before.
“I don’t want you to be in pain,” he said softly. “And… I don’t want either of us to regret this. Maybe we should err on the side of caution?”
I wanted to say “absolutely the fuck not.” But… he was right.
Swallowing hard, I nodded. “Probably… probably not a bad idea,” I said even as every nerve ending screamed for his touch. “Wait a little. Make sure we’re not doing something stupid.”
“Exactly.” Garrett laughed. “No matter how much I want to.”
My toes curled and my dick was still painfully hard. Couldn’t we? Please?
He was right, though. And I even if there wasn’t any risk of this being a stupid thing we regretted, my body hurt.
A lot. I’d learned the hard way more than once that powering through because I was horny was not a good idea.
Either the other guy would be disappointed, I’d be in a world of pain, or both. Not ideal.
Especially not when it was a guy who I really, really didn’t want to disappoint. That was never an ideal outcome, but for reasons I couldn’t quite figure out, I needed Garrett to not be disappointed.
“Maybe I should go,” he said softly. “I don’t want to. But if I stay…”
I sighed. “You’re probably right. I want you to stay, too. But…”
Our eyes locked.
Tell me to stay, his eyes seemed to plead.
Stay, I wanted to plead right back.
He broke the staring contest and tipped his head toward the doorway. “I should…”
“Right. Right.” I cleared my throat and rolled my shoulders. “I’ll, uh… I’ll walk you out.”
The answer to that was a smile that had me again reconsidering our decision.
Let him go, Liam. You can always pick up where you left off later. You can’t unfuck each other if it’s weird in the morning.
By some miracle—or through Garrett’s impressive self-control—we made it into the foyer.
As he leaned down to put on his shoes, though, he paused. Straightening, he faced me, worry pulling at his features. “Uh, one more thing.”
My stomach knotted. “Okay?”
He hesitated, then took a deep breath. “It goes without saying that I don’t want Chris to know about this. Not now. But also—he doesn’t know about me. That I’m, uh…”
“That you’re bi?”
Garrett nodded.
“I won’t out you,” I said solemnly. “No way.”
“I didn’t think you would. You’re not—I didn’t—I’m sorry, I—”
“Garrett.” I stepped closer and touched his face. “You don’t want me to let it slip. I understand. It’s okay.”
He searched my eyes, and slowly, the tension eased. “Thank you. I do plan to come out to him at some point, but… I don’t know. Maybe I’m a coward.”
“You’re not a coward. I got the impression things were, um, rocky between you and him for a while. I don’t want to make that worse.”
Garrett winced. “‘Rocky’ is an understatement, to be honest.”
I was still curious, but I didn’t ask.
He covered my hand on his face as he leaned in to kiss me. It was a light kiss, but it did nothing to galvanize my decision to back off tonight.
“We’ll talk soon,” he murmured as he drew back.
It took all I had not to chase him for one more kiss. “Yeah.” I swept my tongue across my lips, pretending not to notice the way he watched. “We’ll talk soon.”
Our eyes locked. The temptation for another kiss bordered on irresistible. Somehow, he managed to back away, and I unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door. The gust of December air cooled me off a little, though it didn’t do much for that tingle on my lips.
The smartest thing we did all night was letting him leave without exchanging another word. Because if one of us did, I had no doubt we’d end up getting carried away.
Exactly as carried away as I ached to get with him.
He did glance back when he reached the edge of the porch, and he smiled, but still, neither of us spoke.
Then he got into his car, and as he started the engine, I closed the door.
Leaning against it, I listened to his car disappearing down my driveway.
When there was nothing left but silence, I cursed under my breath and rubbed my forehead with the heels of my hands.
I was horny beyond words, frustrated as all hell that we weren’t going at it right the hell now, but I was calm too.
Relieved that we hadn’t jumped into bed quite yet.
I was hardly above going from the first kiss to the first orgasm in no time flat, but something told me to wait this time.
It wasn’t even because Garrett was my teammate’s dad. Not entirely, anyway. That reluctance and guilt were still present and accounted for, as were all the aches and pains that had been driving me nuts all day.
What had me holding back this time felt like something else.
Something I’d never felt before with a man.
It reminded me a little of approaching a nervous animal, making every move and taking every step slowly and cautiously for fear of spooking it.
We were two grown men who obviously wanted each other, but I was sure on some level that if we took a wrong step—took a step too big or too fast—this whole thing would vanish like a rabbit darting into the woods.
I had no idea if there was anything here beyond chemistry. If Garrett and I would screw a few times and then move on, or if this was the beginning of something with some staying power.
If it was just sexual, great. The way he kissed told me that sex with him would be fantastic, and it would absolutely be worth however long we ended up waiting.
If there was a chance of something else, though, I didn’t want to wreck it by rushing into bed. I couldn’t remember ever wanting to jump into bed with someone as much as I wanted to with Garrett. This strong pull to tap the brakes was definitely new, too.
Both at once? What a weird feeling.
The responsible adult in me insisted that after I’d jerked off and then slept, I’d be able to think more clearly and see that this was the right thing to do.
The responsible adult in me, though, was getting seriously drowned out by the lonely, frustrated man who’d invited Garrett over in the first place. The impulse to text him and say never mind, come back, was almost irresistible.
I closed my eyes and swore into the silence of my huge, empty house.
I knew what we should do going forward.
But I was pretty sure I also knew what we would do.
On second thought, maybe we wouldn’t.
It was one thing to tell myself in the heat of the moment that I wasn’t doing anything wrong with Garrett. It was one thing to tell ourselves we’d take some time to figure out what we were doing before we brought it up to his son.
It was another thing entirely to watch Chris skate out onto the ice for practice while I swore I could still feel Garrett’s kiss on my tingling lips.
I grimaced and casually skated in a circle so I could turn my back to Chris and collect my thoughts.
We’re not doing anything wrong. It feels a little weird right now, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
After all, we were two consenting adults, and it was our private life. We didn’t need Chris’s permission or his blessing. We also didn’t need to be telling him we were hooking up, especially if that was all this ended up being.
But… as Garrett had mentioned… it felt weird.
Really, really weird.
And we’d both felt weird enough about it to back off last night.
I didn’t even know if any of that was rational, or if I was overthinking things, but the feeling wasn’t moving regardless.
It didn’t move as practice went on. Through drills I ran alongside Garrett’s son, through the team meeting I couldn’t concentrate on, through film review that didn’t register in my stupid, whirring brain…
all I could think about was last night, and how it really needed to be our last night.
The whole morning was a blur because my mind just wasn’t working today.
Not on anything besides “you dumbass, what did you think would happen if you hooked up with your teammate’s dad? ”
At least we hadn’t actually done much. Making out a little didn’t really count as hooking up, did it? And if I was this much of a wreck over kissing, then it was a damn good thing we hadn’t had sex.
In the training center parking lot, I sat in the driver seat of my car as my mind zipped in a million different directions. I knew what I needed to do. The responsible, grownup, captain-of-the-goddamned-team thing to do.
I knew that.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I swore aloud. If my involvement with Garrett got out, it could throw off the whole locker room dynamic. It could wreck this new top line that Coach was praising night after night. Chris could demand a trade off the team to get away from me and from his dad.
It was also entirely possible no one would care. Chris would shrug it off and say, “Whatever—as long as you’re both happy.” Maybe he’d even give me the “you better not hurt my dad” lecture before chuckling and giving us his blessing. Literally no one might care.
But someone might. Chris might. And if they did, the fallout would hurt more than just me.
Opening my eyes and gazing up at the training center, I sighed into the stillness. It figured—I finally found someone I wanted to connect with, but I couldn’t make it work around my career.
The hockey gods giveth, and the hockey gods taketh away.
Yeah. I knew what I had to do. I was a little worried about Garrett being angry with me for backing off, especially because—unlike the last few men I’d actually slept with—he hadn’t signed an NDA. We hadn’t gotten that far. So what if he decided to run a smear campaign or something?
Though I didn’t imagine that would help with his relationship with his son, so maybe I didn’t need to worry about that. And I didn’t think he was the type to do that anyway, but I hadn’t thought that one guy was the type to blackmail me, so…
Do you have a minute to FaceTime?
I’ve got a meeting in twenty, but sure.
Shouldn’t take long.
We switched apps, and he appeared on-camera, dressed in a shirt and tie in what must have been his office. The Fort Duquesne Bridge was visible through the window behind him with Mount Washington just beyond it. He must’ve had a hell of a view of the city and the rivers.
“Hey,” he said. “What’s up?”
“I, uh…” I shifted in the driver seat. “I just got done with practice.” And team meetings and all that, but this wasn’t about my daily itinerary.
I scratched the back of my head, then pressed back into my seat.
“Listen, um… I don’t… I don’t know how I feel about doing this.
” I exhaled. “With Chris and me being teammates.”
Garrett’s shoulders fell, and his expression turned to one of resignation. “Yeah. I, uh… I thought about that after I went home.” He raked his free hand through his graying hair. “I shouldn’t feel weird. We’re adults, and…”
“I know. I had the same thought. But… it does feel weird, doesn’t it?”
Reluctantly, he nodded. “Yeah. It does.”
I swallowed. “As much as I don’t want to say it, I think we should cool it.” My own disappointment was instantly heavy and cold. Fuck. Did we really have to?
He sagged back against his chair and sighed. “Yeah. Me too. It sucks, but…” He waved a hand as if he didn’t know what else to say.
I didn’t know what to say either. Yes, it sucked, but there wasn’t anything we could do to change it.
Not while I was still playing hockey on the same roster—more and more on the same line—as Garrett’s son.
Even if they weren’t in a precarious place in their relationship, I wasn’t sure I could do this. It just didn’t feel right.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“I know. I get it.” He smiled, and it was the most forced smile I’d ever seen on his face. “It’s fine. There’s no hard feelings.”
With a forced smile of my own, I said, “No. No hard feelings. I’ll, uh… probably see you at games, so, you know… say hi.”
“I will.” He glanced offscreen, then met my gaze again. “I should let you go. I need to get to that meeting.”
“Right. Yeah. Thanks for, uh, taking my call.”
“Don’t mention it.”
We ended the call, and I sat there alone in my car.
I kind of wished he’d put up a fight. Like at least tried to argue why we could do this. Just… tell me that being with me might be worth the potential fallout.
But he didn’t, and I understood.
God, I hated this. Indulging in my attraction to Garrett had been one of those rare selfish things I let myself do.
My whole life was my career. I was a captain and a mentor.
I was a role model for young players and fans alike.
I was the player who said, “We shouldn’t do this because it’s not good for the team. ”
Couldn’t I be completely selfish this one time?
Well, not completely selfish. I prided myself on being anything but selfish in bed and in relationships.
But I ached to be selfish in the sense that it was about what I wanted instead of what the public or the club expected of me. Selfish in the sense that this was for me, not Liam St. Clair the hockey player.
Except it would also jeopardize the delicate relationship Garrett was trying to repair with his son. I didn’t know the whole story there, only that it had taken them a long time to get to where they were now. Nothing I had with Garrett was worth ruining the progress they’d made.
But God, just this once, I wished we could be selfish together.