Chapter 15 #2
“Yeah. She was angry, and—like I said, we were a mess. I think she was so pissed at me for so many things, she just flew off the handle when she found out about that.”
“Do they know about her cheating on you?”
I shook my head again. “No. And they still don’t.
By that point, I saw how angry they were at me.
How they wanted nothing to do with me, and I had fallen so far from grace in their eyes, it seemed like we could never go back.
At that time, I didn’t think we ever would.
” I swallowed hard. “They didn’t deserve to lose their mom like that too. ”
“Wow,” he whispered. “So you two just… kept that part to yourselves?”
“Pretty much. I told her during divorce proceedings that I knew, but I wouldn’t say anything to the kids. She wanted to include that in the divorce agreement, but I was worried if the kids ever saw that for some reason…”
“Ooh, shit.” Liam straightened. “Yeah, that would be a rude awakening, wouldn’t it?”
“Right? So we just agreed to keep it on the DL. And she actually apologized to me for telling the kids, but I mean…” I half-shrugged.
“The damage was done. They knew. They were already pissed at us for staying together for so long when everyone was miserable, and that was just nasty insult to serious injury.”
“Damn. That’s heavy. For the kids, and for you.”
“It is. I’m lucky as hell that three of the four have been willing to make up with me. The fourth…” I grimaced. “I guess time will tell.”
“I guess it will.” He offered a faint smile. “But if the other three came around, there has to be some hope, right?”
“That’s what I keep telling myself.” Sitting back, I rolled my shoulders to relieve some tension that had started creeping in.
“If I hadn’t cheated, I still think things would be messy with the kids.
We found out way too late that everyone was unhappy during those years.
Everyone. Deeply, intensely unhappy. All the problems they had in school?
With grades, friends, sports? It all came back to us. ”
“Wow,” he whispered.
“Yeah. And they were furious when they found out we’d known all along that we were going to divorce.
We tried to tell them we’d just wanted to keep the family together, but they hated us for that.
Especially after my dumb ass went and cheated, because…
” I laughed bitterly and threw up a hand.
“How exactly was that going to keep the family together?”
Saying all that out loud nauseated me. It had killed me to realize in hindsight that even before they’d found out I cheated on their mom, everyone in our family had been unhappy.
Though they were all relieved that we’d finally split, they were still angry for all the misery and the lost time, not to mention what I did to their mother.
Their teenage years had been marred by the dark cloud that was our doomed marriage, which then culminated in the worst-case scenario.
All because I’d been a fucking idiot. Instead of getting a therapist, I’d gotten laid, and my whole family had imploded.
To say I had serious regrets would be a massive understatement.
“If I had it to do over,” I said after a moment, “I’d have done everything completely differently.”
“I believe that. How long has it been? Since the divorce?”
“Six years,” I whispered. “And it took until about two years ago before Chris would even talk to me.”
“Really?”
Grimacing, I nodded. “There was no good time for everything to go down, but I don’t think we could’ve timed it worse for him in particular.”
Liam tilted his head. “Why?”
“The divorce happened the year before he was eligible for the draft.”
“Ooh.” Liam grimaced. “Shit.”
“Yeah. So right when the scouts really had their eyes on him, and he was trying to shine, the stress at home was seriously interfering with his hockey. He still played like hell, but it was so much harder than it should’ve been for him.”
“Jesus. That’s rough.”
“Right?”
“And… shit, he still managed to get selected twelfth overall, even with all that hanging over his head.”
Despite the shame and guilt, I couldn’t help letting some pride shine through. “He’s always been an incredible talent.”
“He has. I remember the scouts and GM mentioning his name before he was drafted. And it says a lot about him that he can play that well even when he’s struggling off the ice.”
I flinched. “I just wish he hadn’t had to. If I’d known… But I mean, what did I expect, you know? I fucked up, and I fucked up so bad that all four of my kids wanted nothing to do with me for a while.” I had to fight past the lump in my throat as I added, “My older daughter still doesn’t.”
“Well, you said it took Chris a while to come around.” Liam’s voice was gentle, as were his eyes. “There’s still hope for your daughter.”
“God, I hope so.”
“The fact that the other three are coming around—you must be doing something right now.”
“What if it’s too little, too late?” God, I sounded pathetic.
“If it was, you wouldn’t be in Pittsburgh.”
He had a point.
“It’s progress,” I acknowledged.
“You didn’t think you’d get here with Chris.” Liam’s little smile made my heart flutter. “Give her time.”
“About all I can do at this point.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “And try not to screw things up with Chris again.”
“Eh, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. He seems really happy to have you in Pittsburgh and coming to his games.”
Warmth rushed through me, and I smiled. “I’ll take it. And I…” I hesitated, then decided to just be honest. “I don’t even know if it would bother him. If you and I…”
“If we got involved with each other?”
“Yeah. Like he might not care one way or the other. I’m just…
” I pressed back against the couch and exhaled.
“I still feel like I’m on such fragile ground with him.
Like if I do anything at all to rock the boat, I’ll lose all the progress I’ve made with him.
” I paused, furrowing my brow. “Is that as irrational as it sounds?”
“I don’t think there’s such thing as irrational when you’re reconciling with an estranged child.
I mean, after my ex and I had a big fight and almost split up, I walked on eggshells for months afterward.
I was afraid if I stepped even a little bit out of line, he’d be out the door.
This is a years-long thing with your kid.
” Liam shrugged. “I can see being extra cautious.”
I pursed my lips. “So maybe it’s not completely irrational.”
“I don’t think it is. I don’t know for sure if it would actually cause any problems either, but I don’t think the caution is irrational, if that makes sense.”
Nodding, I said, “It does.” I thought about it. “Maybe I should start with small steps.” I shifted a little to get comfortable. “Tell him that dating men is even on the table.”
“Oh, he doesn’t know? Right, right. You said that.”
“No, he doesn’t. The only time I’ve ever dated—” I paused, then made air quotes. “Well, ‘dated’ men was after the divorce. While Chris still wasn’t talking to me.”
“Do any of your kids know?”
“Nick and Katie know. My older son and younger daughter. I very briefly dated a guy after I reconciled with them. But they haven’t said anything to Chris or Ally. That I know of, anyway.”
Liam was nodding as I spoke. “And they took it well?”
“Oh yeah. After everything I put them through already, coming out as bi barely registered on their radars.”
He inclined his head. “So it might play out that way with Chris, too.”
“Hopefully.” I chewed my lip. “And maybe it would play out that way if I told him you and I were… If something was going on between us. But it could also blow up in our faces, and I…”
“Garrett,” he said softly. “It’s all right. I understand. I’m not sure about it either. He’s kind of been my protégé for a while, and we’re teammates. So if anything happened between me and his dad…” He grimaced.
“Exactly.” I paused, then laughed. “Are we overthinking this?”
“Probably. But you’re trying to make up with your son. I’m trying to be careful of my team’s locker room dynamic.” He half-shrugged. “Maybe there’s worse things than overthinking the situation.”
“Good point.”
We held each other’s gazes on the screen. I wondered if his ears were ringing like mine were with all the things I wanted to say. Or I wanted him to say.
We both obviously want each other.
We’re two grown adults.
Chris would understand, and so would the team and the fans… right?
It was Liam who finally broke the silence, clearing his throat and glancing off-camera. “I, uh… I should probably let you go. And I need to hunt down some dinner.”
I glanced toward the kitchen where my own dinner still had a few minutes left in the oven. “Me too. Good luck tomorrow.”
His smile made my toes curl.
God, I want you…
“Thanks,” he said. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Sounds good. Have a good night.”
“You too.”
We ended the call, and I closed my eyes as I tipped my head back against the couch.
Some part of me wanted to scream that I shouldn’t have told him about cheating on my ex-wife.
Then again, we’d already established we weren’t going to do anything—did it really matter if he also wrote me off as a cheater?
Maybe, maybe not. I hoped I’d at least conveyed to him how much I regretted what I did, and he didn’t think I was a complete asshole for everything. Even if I did kind of feel like one sometimes.
But even if he did think that, how much difference would it really make?
I laughed humorlessly at my own thought as I got up and shuffled toward the kitchen. If anything, I’d just given Liam one more in an already lengthy list of reasons why nothing could or would happen between us. I doubted it changed much, though he might look at me differently going forward.
Ah well.
Wasn’t like anything was going to come of this anyway.