Chapter 16
LIAM
For a long time, I sat on the hotel bed and turned my phone between my fingers. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that call.
It was weird enough that we kept talking as much as we did.
We’d both backed off on anything beyond being friends, but we kept texting.
We kept talking. We kept FaceTiming whenever we were both free.
Tonight, the conversation had dipped into some heavily personal stuff.
Danced around the elephant in the room—we couldn’t be anything more than friends, but Jesus fucking Christ, it was obvious we both wanted to.
Or maybe I was projecting because I wanted to.
And I still wanted to after our conversation, which was…
weird. The admission that he’d cheated on his ex-wife had been a rock straight into the pit of my stomach.
I didn’t abide by cheating. I didn’t even like open relationships; a lot of queer guys didn’t care much about monogamy, but I preferred it.
And cheating? That was a fucking dealbreaker. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Except… I mean…
I had a hard time envisioning Garrett cheating again.
Not after it had cost him so much, and after he’d quite openly owned it and spelled out all the reasons why he regretted it.
In fact, if anything, I felt weird about how little the cheating put me off.
Maybe because he owned it and obviously regretted it, or maybe because I was an idiot.
Possibly both. Or maybe because I was just so damn lonely, I was ready and willing to talk myself past any red flag or obstacle so I could pick up where we’d left off in my kitchen.
I didn’t know. I just knew I still wanted Garrett. I still wished we could just ignore our overthinking and dive into bed together.
Shaking my head, I tossed my phone aside on the mattress and got up so I could get ready to go out. The guys would be at the bar down the street in half an hour or so, and despite not really feeling like going out, I’d promised to join them.
Maybe that was what I needed. Get out. Socialize with the guys. Have a few drinks. Maybe even flirt with someone if they were interested; we’d been to that bar before, and it was very queer-friendly. If I met someone there and hooked up with them, it wouldn’t be the first time.
The first time in a long time, yes. But not the first time.
Once I was dressed, I pulled on my jacket, made sure I had my phone, wallet, and keycard, and headed out of the room.
The bar was three doors down, and several of the guys were already there.
I took a seat beside Craws at a long table, and in no time, the beer was flowing and we’d been through a couple of baskets of wings.
Nobody was overdoing it—we did, after all, have a game tomorrow—but we’d practiced hard this afternoon.
A few wings and some beers weren’t going to make or break anyone.
The beer was good and the wings were better, but my enthusiasm had been flagging since before I’d even walked through the door.
I struggled to get into the conversation and chirping with my teammates.
Hell, I struggled to follow it. My mind was still back in that hotel room with Garrett on my phone.
Not just the uncomfortable subject we’d delved into, but…
the whole thing. Talking with him. His voice filling the silence of my room.
It had been a long, long time since I’d had someone other than family to chat with during quiet nights in hotel rooms. I’d go out with my teammates and we often closed down hotel bars, but sooner or later, I had to go back to my room alone.
Sometimes, if the walls were thin enough, I could hear a teammate in the next room FaceTiming with his wife or kids.
Out at the bars, it wasn’t at all unusual for someone to dip out of the conversation and smile stupidly at their phone while they typed out a text.
I envied them, and I missed having someone I could talk to. But that wasn’t the only reason I looked forward to our calls or why I eagerly reached for my phone every time it vibrated with a text.
I liked Garrett. I liked talking with him.
And running myself through all the reasons we’d backed off physically didn’t change the fact that kissing him was the best thing I’d felt in ages.
He was such an amazing kisser—God, I wanted to know what he’d be like when the clothes came off and we didn’t hold back.
I squirmed in my chair as goose bumps prickled my back. Against my better judgment—or maybe it was my better judgment—I let my gaze drift to Chris. My stomach somersaulted as I watched him laughing at something Barns was saying.
Would it really be so bad, getting involved with a teammate’s father? We were all adults. Chris didn’t know his dad was bi, but once Garrett told him… then what was the problem?
Maybe Garrett was right and we really were overthinking this. Being too cautious about—
I mean, he really couldn’t be too cautious about his tentative relationship with Chris. And I couldn’t be too cautious about the dynamic in the Phantoms’ locker room.
Fuck. Yeah, it was entirely possible Chris would be completely fine with us dating, and we were holding back over nothing. But if we decided to dive in and it turned out Chris wasn’t happy about it… that could be a disaster. For their family and for the Phantoms.
Sighing, I reached for the beer I didn’t even want. Just once, could I do something fucking selfish? Throw caution to the wind, put what I wanted first, and just enjoy—
“Hey, Saints.” Craws bumped me with his shoulder. “You good, man?”
I shook myself and turned to him, which was when I realized the conversation had fallen away and the guys were all watching me. Heat rushed into my face, and I forced a laugh. “I’m good. Why? What’d I miss?”
Across from me and one seat over, Chris smirked as he gestured at Barns. “He was just telling us about the time you ran over Temo with a golf cart.”
A laugh burst out of me that didn’t feel quite as half-hearted as I expected. “Oh, come on, Barns. That’s bullshit.”
“It is not!” Barns gestured wildly, nearly dumping his drink in Chris’s lap. “That’s why we don’t let you drive the carts anymore!”
“For fuck’s sake.” I rolled my eyes and leaned forward, folding my arms on the edge of the table. “I did not ‘run him over.’ I was backing up and this dumbass”—I shoved Craws hard enough to make him choke on his beer—“tripped Temo behind me.”
“Uh-huh,” Barns said. “And then the golf cart hit him. Ergo, you ran him over.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Okay, fine. I’ll push you in front of the bus tomorrow, and then you can tell everyone that the bus driver ran you over.” I raised my beer in a mock toast. “Nothing to do with me.”
That had the guys laughing loud enough that I didn’t even hear what Barns said in response.
I chuckled along and took a sip of my beer, but my focus ebbed.
This was one of those times I could cut loose with the guys, talk shit, and reminisce about shenanigans, but I could still feel the weight of the C on my chest. I was still the captain.
I could drink, but I couldn’t get sloppy drunk (not that I wanted to).
I could stay out late, but I needed to be the one to say “okay guys, it’s time to call it a night.
” I could party and chirp, but I had to be the one to step in if things started getting out of hand.
I definitely couldn’t be the one getting out of hand.
I sighed and shifted my attention back to my beer. I took my role as captain seriously. I took my role as an openly gay athlete in the public eye seriously. But sometimes…
God, sometimes I just wanted to be as reckless and messy as everyone else.
Not get drunk or rowdy, though. That wasn’t my style.
I just… wanted to be human, damn it, and right now, that meant I wanted to fuck the man who occupied my thoughts way more than he should have.
I wanted to invite him over again, skip watching hockey, and see if my perpetually sore body could still rock someone’s world like it had in my twenties.
Was that really asking too much?
Probably, yeah.
Ah, well. Two or three more years, and I’d be retired and I could be the reckless idiot I’d never been allowed to be.
Too bad Garrett would definitely have moved on by then, and I’d have to dust off the dating apps again.
As my thoughts drifted back to our call, my gaze drifted to Chris again.
One thing that stuck with me was the fact that Garrett hadn’t told his kids about his ex-wife cheating.
That he’d been angry and resentful enough to cheat, but after seeing what his actions had done to his relationships with his kids, he couldn’t bring himself to alienate them from their mother.
I felt weird knowing the things I did about Garrett, his family, and his past. Especially when I was sitting kitty-corner to his son, who didn’t know some of the things I did.
But it also said something about this… friendship? Relationship? Garrett trusted me enough to tell me sensitive things. I’d asked about the estrangement from Chris, but he hadn’t had to show all his cards.
Did that mean something? Or was I just so stupid and lonely and desperate to be reckless that I was trying to dye all the red flags green?
Ugh. I didn’t know.
What I did know was that I wasn’t in the mood to socialize anymore. The captaincy said I should stay to make sure everyone didn’t get too rowdy and they all left at a reasonable hour.
Barns was here, though. The only reason he wasn’t an alternate captain was goalies couldn’t wear an A or a C, but he may as well have been our third alternate.
He’d had a couple of beers tonight, and he was chirping like he always did, but he was clearly still sober enough to be responsible.
If I left, the guys would be in good hands.
So… what was I waiting for?
I finished my beer and pushed back my chair. “Hey guys, I’m gonna call it a night.”