Chapter 34 #3
His fingers twitched on my leg. “But you still feel guilty.”
“I don’t think that’s going away until we come clean.”
“Probably not. It’s… It’s fucking with me too.” He studied me. “Not as much as it is with you, I don’t think.”
Sighing, I nodded. “It’s just… Every time I imagine telling him, I jump to the worst-case scenario.
That he’ll be angry with me. For being with you, for not telling him sooner, for—” I waved a hand.
“I don’t even think it’s rational. I’ve been walking on eggshells with him since before I came to Pittsburgh because I’m just so sure anything I do will send us back to square one, you know? Or worse?”
“I get that,” he said softly. “You guys went through hell. After all that, I think I’d be afraid to take a bad step, too.”
“Exactly. Except I don’t even know if this is a bad step with him. He knows I’m queer. He likes you. I… can’t even come up with a rational reason why he’d be upset about it.”
“Does it have to be rational?” He found my hand and laced our fingers together. “You’re afraid of messing up with your kid. I don’t think it needs to be rational.”
“Maybe not. I don’t know.”
Liam opened his mouth to speak, but right then, he grimaced. He sat up a bit straighter and twisted to one side, then the other, swearing as his back popped audibly. When he sat back, I again waited for him to get comfortable.
“You okay?” I asked.
“I’m good. Just sore.” With a dry laugh, he added, “Occupational hazard.” Then he wrapped his arm around my shoulders again, and I let myself be reeled back in, closing my eyes as I settled against his amazing body.
“Are you sure this is comfortable?”
“It’s fine.” He trailed his thumb back and forth along my shoulder.
“There’s no such thing as a completely comfortable position right now, but this is good.
” He was quiet for a moment, and when he spoke this time, he pivoted back to what we’d been talking about a moment ago.
“So that’s why you’re worried about us—because you’re afraid if he finds out, it’ll erase the progress you’ve made with him. ”
“Pretty much.” I curled closer to Liam, wrapping my arm tighter around his narrow midsection. “One minute, I think we’re not doing a damn thing wrong. Consenting adults, both single—all that. The next…”
“I think that makes sense.”
I tipped my head up enough to look at him. “Does it?”
“Well, yeah.” He shrugged tightly, the faintest wince pulling at his lips.
Shifting a little, probably to accommodate his sore body, he said, “Like I said, anyone would be treading carefully with someone they’ve only reconciled with recently.
” He looked in my eyes, brow furrowed. “If Chris finds out about us—do you think that’ll be a setback? ”
I blew out a breath. “That’s just it—I have no idea.” I hesitated, then added, “I’m terrified to find out, honestly.”
Deep crevices formed between his eyebrows. It didn’t take a mind reader to know where his thoughts were going.
“I don’t want to stop doing this.” I clasped my hand in mind. “I’m going to keep freaking out until we tell him, but…”
“I get that,” Liam murmured. “But I don’t want to be the reason you wind up estranged from your son again.”
“And I don’t want to be the reason your team splinters.”
From the subtle wince, he’d had similar worries. But he didn’t let go. He didn’t pull away.
After a while, he said, “I think we are overthinking this. We’re both adults.
But like you told Chris, we are just figuring things out before we tell anyone, same as we would with anyone we dated.
” He paused. “I mean, every single parent I know waits a while before they tell their kids they’re seeing someone, right? ”
“They do, yeah.”
“And that’s kind of what we’re doing, isn’t it?”
“You don’t think it’s more complicated when the person I’m dating is someone he works with?”
Liam seemed to think about that. “It is, I guess? And maybe that’s even more reason to keep it on the downlow.
” He stroked his fingers down my arm, the featherlight touch giving me goose bumps.
“Right now, it’s not affecting anyone except for us.
It won’t be a disruption or a distraction for the team if no one knows about it, and it won’t be a reason for Chris to be angry. ”
It was my turn for a moment of quiet thought. “That makes sense.” I wrinkled my nose. “Still feels skeavy and like we’re lying. Which… given why things blew up with my kids…”
He flinched. “Yeah. I don’t want to cause tension between you and any of them.” He paused. “But we’re not talking about hiding it for years, you know? Just until the end of the season. Hell, for all we know, we’ll be tired of each other in another week and it’ll all be a moot point.”
I laughed. “I mean, I guess that’s possible?” I pushed myself up enough to meet his gaze. “Do you think that’s likely?”
Oh God, I wasn’t ready for how much I liked that soft smile. The man whose face was all over banners in the arena—the very face of the Pittsburgh Phantoms who always looked so serious and focused—was nothing but gentle sweetness right then.
As he reached up to touch my cheek, he murmured, “I think it’s about as likely as Ottawa making it to the Cup Final.”
I snorted, and so did he, and we both laughed, which broke the tension.
“That’s cold,” I said. “Hasn’t that team been through enough?”
He shrugged unrepentantly, though it did make him wince, and he rolled his shoulder gingerly. “I mean, it’s not my fault their entire defensive strategy is ‘if we just score a shitload of goals, we don’t have to bother with a defensive strategy’.”
“Okay, fair.”
He chuckled, but as he sobered, he held my gaze. “To be serious, I don’t think this is going to fizzle. I could be wrong, but I…” He shook his head.
“I don’t either,” I whispered.
“Right. And by the time the season ends, I think we’ll have a better grasp on things.
Enough we know what we’re actually doing, you know?
Plus Chris will be in the groove with his new baby and not dealing with hockey.
” He squeezed my hand. “So I think we’re doing the right thing, you know?
It’s not like we’re scheduling a press conference for tomorrow. ”
A relieved laugh burst out of me. “Oh, thank God for that.”
“I know, right?” He made a face. “Those are the worst part of my job, I swear.”
“Worse than being too sore to move?”
He quirked his lips. Then he wobbled his hand in the air. “Six of this, half dozen of the other?”
I laughed and lifted my chin to kiss him softly. “Okay, so we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing. Let Chris deal with becoming a dad and playing hockey.” Carding my fingers through Liam’s hair, I murmured, “Give us some time to just enjoy this and see where it goes.”
It was probably still too early to say I was definitely in love with Liam, but damn if it wasn’t too early to say I was in love with that smile. What a gorgeous man, and somehow, he was looking at me like that.
“Good idea,” he said, that beautiful smile still in place. “For tonight, why don’t we just relax and watch a movie?”
“Not hockey?”
“Eh.” He shrugged. “Let’s change things up. If you want to?”
I kissed his cheek. “Changing things up sounds perfect.”
We settled back against the cushions, and Liam pulled up one of his streaming services so we could pick out a movie.
As he did, I actually managed to relax for real. I still wasn’t thrilled about keeping something like this from my son, and I would have at least some anxiety about it until we came clean.
I gazed at Liam, drinking in his gorgeous face.
Please understand, Chris.
Because I can’t let go of him.