Chapter 43 #3
I was a little confused by the fact that even considering retirement didn’t fill me with anxiety, grief, or dread.
When I’d made the decision, knowing there was a chance I’d have to follow through, I hadn’t panicked.
If anything, I’d been… okay with it. Ready for it in ways I didn’t quite understand.
That was something to sort out another day, though. Right now, I was still the captain of this team, and I needed to do my job.
At Gil’s door, I paused for a deep breath.
Chris and I could make this work.
We would make this work.
As I pushed open the door…
God, I hope we can make this work.
Garrett
Can I see you?
I sat up so fast on the couch, two of my icepacks tumbled to the living room floor. My heart was suddenly going wild and my stomach somersaulted hard.
An avalanche of worse-case scenarios tumbled through my head. What if Garrett wanted to break up with me? What if things had gone south with Chris? What if—
Liam. Slow down. Find out what he wants instead of coming up with imaginary arguments.
With blood thumping in my ears, I responded to his text.
I’m home.
I’ll be there as soon as I can.
By the time my garage door rumbled to life, I was pacing my kitchen like the queasy, nervous wreck I was, clinging to a cup of coffee I really didn’t need.
The garage door started closing. I went to the kitchen door and opened it right as Garrett was getting to the steps, and he froze. Our eyes locked, and we just stared at each other for a moment.
Without a word, I stepped toward him, and then I was in his arms. We didn’t kiss. We didn’t move or even make a sound. For the longest time, we just held on. The garage door finished closing. Silence settled over the house. Still, we didn’t let go.
Finally, I whispered, “I’m sorry.”
“This isn’t your fault.” He stroked my hair. “You didn’t do anything.”
“No, but I—”
“Liam.” He drew back and met my gaze. “This isn’t on you.”
“If you’d been with anyone other than me…”
He quirked his lips, but then shook his head and pulled me in again.
I squeezed my eyes shut and held on. We hadn’t split up.
He hadn’t even seemed angry at me. But everything had felt precarious since last night.
A breath away from everything—from my career to my relationship—falling apart.
Maybe that was rational. Maybe it wasn’t.
I wasn’t sure I was capable of being rational where Garrett was concerned.
I was completely stupid for him, after all.
“We should go inside.” I gently released him. “Do you want some coffee?”
“No. I’m good.” But he followed me into the kitchen.
There, he leaned against the counter, and in the soft overhead light, I could finally see how utterly exhausted and brittle he looked.
With a heavy sigh, he wiped a hand over his face.
“I don’t know what to do. Chris won’t talk to me or return my calls.
I’m terrified I’m going to lose him. And you. ”
“We can try to talk to him together if it helps.” I touched Garrett’s face. “You won’t lose me, though.”
He held my gaze, uncertainty written all over his face.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said. “Not unless you want me to.”
“No.” He covered my hand with his. “I don’t. I just—I mean, I knew damn well I was batting out of my league the first time I ever touched you. But I—”
“No, you weren’t.” I shook my head. “I’m just a guy, Garrett. I’m nothing special.”
“You are, though,” he countered. “And not just on the ice.” He stepped closer, his soft, beautiful eyes locked on mine. “You could’ve had any man you wanted.”
“I do have the man I wanted,” I whispered. “Did you think I was with you—what, out of pity or something?” I laughed humorlessly and shook my head again. “Baby, no. I wanted to be with you.” I swallowed hard and pushed my shoulders back. “I still want to be with you.”
That last part made him tense all over. “You do?”
“Of course I do,” I said without hesitation. “You didn’t do anything wrong and neither did I. I don’t know how we’re going to smooth things over with Chris, and we can’t put that cat back in the bag, but none of the solutions I can think of include us ending this.”
He stared at me incredulously. “Really?”
I didn’t answer. I just cupped his face in both hands and kissed him.
He was tense to the point of rigid, but only for a second before he relaxed into my kiss.
He wrapped his arms around me, and oh God, I didn’t think he’d ever held me this tightly.
This reverently. As if he really had been convinced he’d somehow lose me.
Or maybe that was just me, because I’d been convinced he was slipping through my fingers, and now here he was, holding me close and kissing me in my kitchen.
I’m not losing you. Oh my God. I’m not losing you.
When we came up for air, all my incredulity and relief were written all over his face, too. As if he still couldn’t quite believe I hadn’t shoved him away.
I looked right in his eyes. “I want to make this work. Whatever it takes—time, counseling with Chris, whatever—I’m in. Because I want this to work.”
“You… Liam, you can have any man on the planet, and—”
“And the man I want is you.” I caressed his cheek. “To tell you the truth, being with you—this is the first truly selfish thing I’ve ever done in my whole damn life.”
Garrett exhaled as he stroked my hair. “I don’t think I’d describe anything about this as selfish.”
I was already shaking my head. “Maybe that’s the wrong word.
I mean it’s something I’ve done for me. Not for the team.
Not for the sport. Not for queer athletes.
Not for…” I flailed my hand. “I wondered for a long time what I’d do with myself when I wasn’t playing hockey anymore, because that was my entire life.
My entire world.” I touched his face. “But then you came along, and suddenly I can see life after hockey.”
He swallowed hard, and his voice came out a little thick. “Really?”
“Yes. It’s…” I chewed my lip as I tried to find the words. “When I’ve dated guys before, it was always that fluttery excited feeling. Like it’s new and exciting, you know?” I pushed out a breath. “Whenever I’m with you, though, it’s like that feeling when I get home from a road trip.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Like I can drop the media training, drop everything that comes with being captain of the Phantoms, and just… be. I can breathe.” I laughed softly. “I don’t know if that’s what relationships are supposed to be, but—”
“That’s exactly what they’re supposed to be,” Garrett whispered unsteadily. “The fireworks are fine in the beginning. But it’s supposed to feel like coming home because it’s supposed to be home.” He searched my eyes. “That’s… That’s what you feel with me?”
Throat tightening, I nodded. “Every time.” I trailed my fingertips down his cheek. “I love you, Garrett.”
He stared at me. I didn’t even think he was breathing. For long, heart-pounding seconds, I was sure I’d overstepped. Moved too fast. Gone too far.
But then his shocked expression morphed into a soft smile. Drawing me back in, he whispered, “I love you, too.”
And then I was wrapped up in his arms, my eyes stinging as I buried my face against his neck.
There was still work to do. Still damage control left to be done.
But we were okay, and for the longest time, we just held each other.
Not kissing. Not speaking. Just basking in this peaceful moment of perfect closeness.
Of being home.