Pages of Amber

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“GOOD, GOOD. AGAIN!”

The tap of pointes against the flooring blended with the music score pouring from the speakers. Amber would never tire of the unique melody.

The level master, a burly man in his late forties who still reveled in his days as a teacher at the Pacific Northwest Ballet, tapped a wooden cane against the floor. “Start from the top, everyone. Keep up with the music.” The music began again and Amber moved with her danseur, Jesse. “Excellent form, Amber and Jesse. Perfect penché .”

The master’s voice brought matching smiles to their faces that they tried to contain as they finished the variation. She and Jesse had been partners from the start of their level. They were attuned to each other’s movements which meant while they were good dancers separately, they were a masterpiece together.

Evelyn and her partner rested beside Amber. She turned to Amber with bright eyes. “I didn’t step on any toes.” Her voice was a barely constrained whisper. “I’ve gotten so much better.”

Amber threw her a wink. “You’re doing amazing. I told you not to worry too much.”

“I can’t believe it.” Evelyn giggled. “We need to practice one-on-one more often.”

“I’m ready whenever you are. In fact, I’m thinking of getting an extra hour in after class. You want to join me?”

“Do you even have to ask?”

“Silence, girls!” The master’s voice cut Evelyn short of grabbing Amber in for a hug. He raised brows at them. “You can gossip when we’re done. Come on, one more time.”

Amber and Evelyn hid their grins and rejoined their partners. Amber caught Lexi’s eyes as they got into position and smiled at her friend.

“Lexi, lift that leg. Higher. Finish the turn.”

Lexi flushed, looking away as she spun in her partner’s arms. Amber refocused on her own steps. In tandem with the rest of the class, Jesse held onto her hand for a triple pirouette, his hands bracing her waist for the following lift. They finished smoothly, her hands in his as they balanced on their feet. A slap clap from their left startled Amber.

“Excellent! The flow, the turn, the rest. All excellent.” Their level master bobbed his head.

Smiles flashed onto faces all around at the praise. Amber joined in, her chest ballooning at his words. She had been dancing for years and while her confidence had slowly built up after years of practices and stage performances, it was always nice to hear the compliments. They soothed a part of her that was often left hurt and gaping. If only she could hear these words from the person she yearned from the most. At the close of practice, Evelyn waved her over to a spot in front of the wall length mirrors. Amber waved goodbye to the girls she had been speaking with. A few people still lingered in the class, also getting in additional practice for the audition. Evelyn had set up a small speaker for them when Amber joined her.

She looked up and met Lexi’s eyes reflected in the mirror behind her.

“Hey, Lexi.” She turned to her friend. “Evelyn and I are staying back to practice for a bit. Want to join us?”

She hesitated, her eyes flicking from Amber to Evelyn then back again. “For a little bit, sure.”

“Great.”

Evelyn groaned, catching Amber’s attention. She fiddled with her phone, a frown set on her face as she flicked a few buttons on the speaker.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s dead,” she bemoaned. “I forgot to charge it last time.”

“That’s okay. I have mine in my bag. Let me go get it.” Amber tightened her bun and turned to Lexi. “You need anything from the shelf?”

She nodded. “My bag.”

“I’ll just bring my bag and yours.”

“Wait–”

“I’ll be back in a minute.”

The sectioned shelf put into the back of the class for their bags was nearly empty. Amber picked her duffel bag and bent to pick Lexi’s. She dragged it out from where it was pushed to the back but her hands slipped on the strap. Lexi’s bag fell, landing with a quiet thump near Amber’s feet. She hurried to pick it up when she noticed the zip had opened up from the fall. Inside, she could see a pair of dark flats, leg warmers, an extra leotard and… Amber frowned, a small orange bottle with a white lid.

A pill bottle.

Was Lexi sick?

Her brows tightened in concern for her friend. Lexi didn’t look sick or pale. It could be a minor fever or a headache but why did she have a prescription bottle? She could see faintly scrawled handwriting over the white label wrapped around the bottle. Amber wondered, her hand hovering over the bag. She reached in.

“What are you doing?”

Amber jumped, snapping the zip closed in a second. Lexi stared at her, blank eyes fixed on Amber’s face. She stood, hauling the bags with her.

“You didn’t need to come over. I have the bags.”

“You took a while.”

“I didn’t realize.”

Amber stared at her friend. Had Lexi seen her poking into her bag? If she had, she would have said something, right? But she hadn’t mentioned she was sick. Amber itched to ask about it– the pills, her friend’s illness, why she felt a need to hide it –but she paused. Maybe Lexi hadn’t said anything because she wanted to keep it private. She worried for her friend but that didn’t give her much right to demand an explanation from her.

“Come on. Evelyn’s waiting.”

Lexi took her bag and they walked back to Evelyn. As they practiced, Amber tried to set her worry aside. Evelyn asked about some of the steps and Amber did her best to guide her, her mother’s instructions running a loop in her head. Lexi let out a huff almost an hour after they had started and stepped away from them.

“You okay?” she asked.

“Fine.” The response was clipped. Something obviously wasn’t fine. Amber’s worries rose again. She said nothing but spoke a bit louder when showing Evelyn the steps so that Lexi could hear and follow the directions even if she only stood away, arms folded as she watched them.

When they rested in the last step, Evelyn smiled at her. “You’re great with the steps. I’m doing so well learning from you. I feel like I actually have a shot at the auditions now.”

“Don’t say that. You’re an amazing dancer and you’ll do great at the auditions.” Amber snatched up a water bottle from her bag and twisted the cap. Looking into the bottle, she continued bashfully, “I shouldn’t get all the credit. My mom taught me everything I know. I learned a lot from her.”

“She was a principal dancer, right? Your mom? Before she retired.”

Amber nodded. “She danced professionally for fifteen years. Everyone said the ballet company was sad to see her go but she wanted to have me and settle down. I’m here anyway so I guess she continues her legacy through me.”

“Lucky,” Lexi said. She flashed a close-lipped smile.

Amber thought back to lessons with her mother. She may have been enrolled at the theatre since she could remember but her mom had been her first contact with ballet. Those mornings of dancing around the kitchen had transitioned to balance training then barre and positions then pointe. Over the years, the soft commands and gentle guiding hands had become high expectations, reprimands for wrong steps, her mom’s sharp eyes seeing it all.

She was lucky, she supposed. To have the opportunity of studying dance under a legend like her mother. Her mind flashed to the day Director Meusall had been at her home. Her mother’s barbs echoed in her echoes, dredging a hole in her chest.

Lexi was right.

She was lucky.

But her luck hadn’t been meant to last forever.

“Your mother is back home.”

Amber raised her head at the voice. Dottie stood at the door to her bedroom. “She wants to see you in the studio in ten minutes.”

She nodded. “Thank you, Dottie.”

The door closed soundlessly behind her and Amber exhaled a soft breath. She looked down at the open journal, her inspiration hanging in the air then disappearing completely. She closed the notebook, pushed up from her reading desk and stashed it in the closet, making sure it was covered in its hiding spot.

With another sigh and a wipe of her palms against her jeans, Amber changed into her dance fit. She chose a blue leotard that matched her eyes and black tights. She picked a pair of pointe shoes she had dyed blue a while back. Since pointes came in a light pink, they were mostly dyed different colors to match the dancer’s skin or the costume of choice. Finally, she snatched a ribbon from her dresser and wrestled her hair into a simple bun, apologizing to the locks and silently promising to give them extra attention on wash day.

In the ballet studio, Amber moved to the barre to begin her warmup. The exercises were essential for every dancer. It loosened up the muscles and joints in preparation to dance. Amber liked to imagine stretching sent tiny nodes to her muscles to get them into work mode. The first few times she had attempted to skip warmup first, she had been sore all over and fighting strain in her calves. Now, she dutifully did her stretches and had a regular exercise routine to keep her body primed and ready for dance at all times.

Her mother walked in, the click clack of her shoes announcing her entrance. Amber eased out of her splits and faced her. “Hi, mom.”

“Amber.” She did a slow sweep of her frame. “How was school?”

“Good.” There was no other acceptable answer.

“And practice?”

“Good.”

Her mother tilted her head then let out a satisfied hum. She walked over and took the seat she had the last time she and Director Meusall had been in the room with Amber. A heaviness built in Amber’s throat.

“You’ll be performing Don Quixote soon. The audition was announced a week ago. Dottie tells me you’ve been spending extra time out of the house. Nigel assures me he drives you to the theatre every other day, even when you don’t have practice scheduled.”

Her mom paused, stared at her, her gaze digging into her. “I expect that to mean you did as I asked and relearned every step of this dance. That means I expect not to be disappointed, Amber. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes, mom. I do.” She hesitated then barely stuttered out, “I could show you. The dance. I- I’ve been doing really well with it and you always check on my performance before a show so I thought…”

Her mom said nothing. She simply tipped her chin and narrowed those ice blue eyes. “Go ahead.”

The consent drew a tight breath from Amber. She headed for the speakers and connected her phone, shuffling to the music she had been practicing with for the past weeks. The one she would also use at the audition. Her hand shook as she ran over her mother’s words. She’d been asking Nigel and Dottie about Amber’s whereabouts. Dottie knew about the deal Amber had made with Noah to complete her project and pass the class. She’d needed to tell someone and at the time, Beverly and Lexi hadn’t been speaking to her. Telling her mother was obviously a no-no. She hadn’t said anything to Nigel either but he dropped her off and picked her up from school every day. Lately, she had asked him to pick her an hour later than usual on the days she had tutor sessions with Noah. He hadn’t questioned it at all but he had to be curious. Yet, he and Dottie had covered for her and told her mother she had been busy at the theatre. A grateful sigh escaped Amber and she held it in mind to give them both the biggest hugs ever.

As she danced for her mother, Amber let go of her worries and doubts and forced herself to focus on the music. Every step was intentional, every turn holding a purpose. She imagined dancing beside Evelyn like they had done earlier and her smile brightened. She could do this. She could finish this dance and show her mom she had put in the work she said she would. At the break of the music, Amber found her last step and bowed.

The room was silent. She held still, scared to look up. Her breathing sounded harsh to her ears as she straightened. Her mom was seated in the chair, her legs crossed, her eyes on Amber and a smile on her lips. It was more a little quirk than a smile but Amber’s heart started an uncontrollable beat at the sight of it.

Her mom was smiling.

“Not bad,” she said.

Amber didn’t dare get her hopes up. Her hands clenched, her heart still beating like crazy. “Y-you liked it?”

Her mother looked at her, an eyebrow arched. “It’s much better than the disaster from last time. Keep your balance and no need to over-arch your foot. It’ll cause a strain that might affect your performance. Chin high as always and don’t forget to hold your smile. Add all that in and it’s basically perfect.”

Amber was barely listening. She nodded shakily, tongue tied as her mother stood and left the room, her shoes echoing down the corridor. Warmth bubbled in her chest, a smile crossing her face so wide she felt she might split in two.

She had danced and her mother hadn’t immediately hated it. After that horrible second place and the mess from the last time, she had actually danced for her mom and she hadn’t hated it.

In fact, her mother had smiled. At her.

Amber squealed, the sound launching out of her. She knew it. Her mom was still in there somewhere. Her hope bubbled up, filled like a gas tank to the fullest and revving her brain. Her mom was still here and Amber was going to do everything to bring her out.

Amber had never seen herself liking this routine. When she and Noah had first been paired to work together, she was convinced they would be pulling each other’s hair out in a few days. The turn of events had left her head spinning. Rather than the cat fight she had imagined, she and Noah had made significant progress in changing his reputation among the students. It had taken pushing Noah out of his comfort zone but the sacrifice had been necessary.

Noah had followed up on the Press club getting new equipment. After a meeting they had with Principal Ellis and a few teachers, approval had been given and everything was due to arrive in a month’s time. Kael and Trent were ecstatic and hadn’t stopped talking about it. The other day, she and Noah had been standing in the hallway when a freshman student approached them. He’dgreeted Amber with a shy smile, then surprisingly turned to Noah and asked his help in meeting the secretary for a new class schedule. Noah had stared at the poor boy in shock until Amber had nudged him to get moving. He hadn’t been able to hold back his smile when he returned.

That didn’t mean he went easy on Amber though. Noah insisted on after school tutor sessions at the library where they went through research for her assignment and began to compile it for her work. Amber had brought along a few other class notes she had trouble understanding. Noah hadn’t said anything when she had sheepishly slid them over to him and asked for an explanation. No smug smile. No raised brows. He had simply answered her and given multiple examples to sum up his explanations. By the time she arrived at the theatre for practice, she found herself mentally exhausted and ready to finish the day but she hadn’t failed to notice the smiles that graced her face each time.

The highlight of those tutor sessions was getting to know Evelyn and Emmett better. Attending the fair with them had been an eye-opener. They were certainly a fun trio to hang out with and complimented each other well. Where Noah was introverted and observant, Evelyn was outgoing and friendly while Emmett was funny and jovial with an affinity for annoying his sister. Amber enjoyed watching the sibling dynamic. She knew Noah had an older brother but he barely mentioned him. The few times Evelyn did, Noah remained unresponsive to the conversation. He had been like that at his house too when they were settled around the TV in his brother’s room and she had asked what college his brother was at. She wondered if there was bad blood between them and what might have caused it but didn’t want to ask in case she stepped on a nerve.

Wait. She was being careful not to offend Noah now?

He was just Noah. The boy she had spent years arguing with solely because she enjoyed the challenge of one-upping him.

Apparently, a few weeks in his constant company had made her see Noah as a completely different person. His dark eyes and permanent blank expression didn’t exactly give him points for social interaction but she had begun to understand that while Noah didn’t shirk from the public spotlight, he was comfortable in his. He was introverted but had a presence that made him stand out.

Her evenings were busy with ballet practice. The theatre still buzzed with the announcement of the approaching audition and a certain seriousness had descended on the dancers. She and Evelyn practiced often and Amber found she liked having a partner in sync with her.

By Friday, Amber had barely noticed the week coming to a close. She was nearly finished with her assignment and had caught up on all her classes. Admittedly, Noah had been extremely helpful and patient with everything she needed. They had just stepped out the front doors of Redmington after finishing up at the library early when she spotted Beverly standing a few feet away from the fountain.

“You want me gone that badly, m’lady? You’re barely paying attention.”

“Maybe if you dropped the nickname, I’d actually want to listen to you.”

“Nope.” His lips tipped upwards. “I said we’ll have to meet this weekend to finish up the last chapters. Deadline is next week.”

“I know. Text me the time and place. I’ll be there.”

His answering smile was mischievous. “Weird way to ask me out but I’ll take it.”

“What are you talking about? This isn’t a date.”

“Sure it isn’t.”

“I’m serious. It isn’t a date,” Amber said to his back as he began to walk in the direction of his car.

With a jerk of his fingers over his head, he said, “Don’t stand me up, m’lady. You’ll break my heart.”

He couldn’t be serious. Of course it wasn’t a date. He had to know that, but why was she so pressed to make that point to him? Ignoring the heat in her cheeks, Amber headed over to Beverly.

“Hey,” she said when she caught her friend’s eye.

Beverly waved back, a smile on her lips. It dipped slightly when her eyes traveled briefly over Amber’s shoulder. Her gaze reconnected to Amber’s before she could see what distracted her. “Hi. It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

Amber laughed. “I know. It’s just been crazy recently. There’s an audition at the theatre and I’ve been so busy practicing–”

“–with Evelyn. Yeah, I know. Lexi mentioned it.”

An unusual quiet fell between them where Amber staggered for her next words. Beverly continued before she could collect herself. “And Noah? What’s the deal with him? The real deal, Amber. Not whatever twisted version of the truth you told us at the lunch table.”

Amber hesitated. Of course Beverly hadn’t bought into her spiel of Noah approaching her because he needed help with feedback from students. Amber wanted to smack herself. For years she and Beverly had done everything together. They knew each other so well. How could she have thought to get away with her half-truth?

Beverly mistook her hesitance and backed away, a hurt look on her face. “You don’t have to tell me. I only thought… It’s nothing. Forget it.”

“No. I want to tell you, Bev. I’ve wanted to tell you from the start.”

“So why didn’t you?” Her gaze ran over Amber’s face like she expected the answers to be written there. “Is it something bad? I wouldn’t care if it was. I thought you of all people would know that.”

The smile that graced Amber’s face was sad. “Of course I know that. You’re a great friend, Beverly. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kept it from you.”

A slight pause. Then a gleam in her friend’s eyes. “I could forgive you but a little incentive wouldn’t hurt.” She shook her head, an oh-so-innocent look on her face. “Like say an ice cream bribe?”

A laugh pushed out of Amber, relief heavily intertwined. “Fine. Let’s go find you a bribe.”

“What? Work with Noah? But the two of you can barely stand each other or at least you couldn’t before. Now everywhere I look, I’m seeing the two of you walking the halls together. Don’t even get me started on the interview. I was as shocked as the rest of the school.”

The air in the Scoop Parlor was chilly to match the frozen treats in their hands.

“I’m sorry, Bev. I bet you didn’t enjoy that at all, did you?”

“Of course not. I mean, it’s me. I’m Beverly Liu. I always know what’s going on and if I don’t, then I have my ways of finding out. It felt so weird hearing all these things about you and not even knowing what was happening because you barely spoke to me.”

Amber couldn’t hide her wince. “All of it is my fault, I know. Will you forgive me now?” Her gaze dropped to the chocolate chip ice cream that reminded her of Evelyn. “I bet the ice cream is pretty tasty.”

“It is,” Beverly moaned in delight as she took another bite. “I fully forgive you.” Amber’s giggle died out when Beverly turned serious. She lowered her spoon.

“Honestly, Amber. I thought you were still mad at what I said before about your mom and stuff. I didn’t mean to dump all that on you. I shouldn’t have done it. I was concerned and yes, a little angry but I didn’t mean to chase you away. I’ve wanted to talk to you so many times these past few weeks but Lexi mentioned you’d been hanging out with Evelyn lately and I felt… I don’t know. I thought you’d replaced me.”

The admission came out on a whisper. Beverly had sunk into her seat with every word, her shoulders hunched up. Amber’s chest tightened. She had never meant to hurt her friend. Reaching out, she grasped Beverly’s hands on the table.

“I could never replace you. Like you said, you’re Beverly Liu. There’s only one of you and that’s the awesome, amazing, slightly crazy girl who jumped me the first day of freshman year and has been my best friend ever since.” The two girls smiled at each other. Amber squeezed her hand tighter. “I mean it, Bev. I’m so sorry for cutting you out and I promise it won’t happen again. In fact, I’ll introduce you to Evelyn. You’ll love her. You both love Welsh corgis, you both think Taylor Swift is the hottest thing to exist since toasted bread, and you two might probably kill for a pair of Jimmy Choo heels.”

Beverly gasped in excitement. “Because they are the best kind! I need to meet her. Now.”

“I knew you would.” Amber laughed. “We’ll plan a hangout too. Lexi won’t be happy to be dragged along for a shopping trip though.”

Beverly stuck out her tongue. “She’ll live. She steals all our fashion tips anyway. She’s lucky they turn out so good on her.”

“Do you remember the time we wanted to get those highlights? She beat us to it and thought we had backed out.” Amber laughed. Beverly wasn’t far behind.

“I remember. They looked so good with her blonde hair. They would have looked amazing with yours too. Wasn’t that what you chose to do?”

“It was. I was excited to get them done but the stylist advised me not to. She said I already had the ‘golden’ blonde look and gave me an amazing hair and scalp routine to maintain it. It has worked wonders till now.”

“God bless stylists.”

“Amen.”

They both fell into giggles as they reminisced some more. Amber secretly stored away the moment. She had missed her friend. Amber was glad for these moments where she got to relax and just be herself. She was only eighteen but sometimes it could feel like she held the world on her shoulders.

She took in a breath and let it go, feeling that weight ebb away. It sunk into the darkness, leaving her feeling free and marked instead with the beautiful memories she wanted to last forever.