Pages of Amber

CHAPTER TWENTY

“HEY, AMBER.”

The greeting was delivered with caution. Amber steeled herself and twisted to face Evelyn and Emmett. “Hi, guys. How’re you? Sleep well?”

They stared at her like she didn’t have her head on straight. She looked back to her locker when they didn’t say anything.

“Are you doing okay?”

“We saw what happened yesterday and wanted to check on you,” Emmett continued where his sister had trailed off.

“Yeah, you ran off while Trent and Karl were still explaining and the next thing, you were…” Evelyn looked away. “We tried calling you after school.”

She hadn’t picked up. She hadn’t wanted to answer questions or deal with their concerns. She wasn’t in the mood for it. “I know,” was all she said.

The twins shared a wide-eyed look

“You didn’t want to pick up? We were worried.”

“Why? I was fine.” She shrugged, closing her locker and brushing past them. She turned a corner without hearing them behind her and thought she had escaped, but no such luck. They popped up at her elbow, Emmett to her left and Evelyn to her right.

“What do you mean, why? ” Evelyn sputtered, “We wanted to talk to you and be there for you. After that fight–”

Amber planted her feet. “Look,” she said, her voice calm. “I don’t want to hear anything about what happened. I don’t want to talk about yesterday. I don’t want you to talk about yesterday. I am fine. Everything is fine. Change. The. Subject.”

She had barely finished when a hand laid on her shoulder. “Amber, are you okay? I’ve been trying to call you. Evelyn told me about the fight with Beverly yesterday. I almost couldn’t…” His voice trailed off as he looked over her head. She glanced back. Evelyn and Emmett were waving wildly, their hands slashing the air against their throats in an unsuccessful signal to get Noah to stop talking. “What’s going on with you guys?”

“For someone who claims to be the smartest guy at school, you should start acting like it. For example, take a hint and leave me alone.”

Noah went still. “What?”

She tilted her head. “You heard me.” His hand fell to his side. A twinge sprang in her chest as she walked away from him, but she refused to turn back and apologize.

She should never have allowed him in. She was a fool to think they could ever be two sides of the same coin. They were destined to stay apart, the line drawn solidly between them. For years, she’d chosen to protect her territory from him but he had wormed his way in. He’d struck at her center and held her up when she was weak. But they were both sinking now. She would stop being selfish long enough to choose him. Noah didn’t deserve to be put in the middle of the wreck that was her life. Her mother had already set her sights on him and Amber didn’t need to give her more reason to have anything to do with Noah.

Shifty eyes followed her into every class, past every corridor. They dug into her skin, speculating, wondering, judging. No one approached her though. Amber was thankful for that small mercy. The day crawled by. The bell rang for gym and Amber groaned under her breath, eager for the day to be over.

Her sunshine was barely lukewarm. She hadn’t worn her mask right today and it was slipping by the second. Noah and Emmett had kept their distance, but Evelyn had found her after her first class and stuck to her like glue.

She hadn’t said anything. Amber hadn’t asked what she was doing. They headed to the girls locker room together. It was rowdier than usual. Girls gathered at different corners, all talking over each other and leaning closer to hear what they were saying. Amber could take a guess that she and Beverly were the hot topic of the day. She was right. The room descended into an almost painful silence when she and Evelyn walked in. Then it picked back up the farther they walked into the room. By the time they reached their lockers, loud whispers filled the air.

Amber ignored it all.

A few minutes later, the door opened and the room fell into another silence. Beverly walked in, Lexi and Willow behind her. She looked around the room, a noticeable sneer aimed at everyone staring openly at her. Amber looked away before they could lock eyes.

Outside on the field, their gym teacher, a stocky woman with a healthy set of lungs that favored whistle-blowing, ordered them to run eight laps around the track field. The class grumbled in unison. The field for their gym class was of average size but with the incoming heat of spring, no one wanted to run that many laps and end up sticky and tired.

No one but her. The sooner she finished this class, the faster she could end the day and return to her solitude at home where there was no one to shoot her judgmental looks or harass her with their concerns. The sound of her taking off drew the attention of the class. For a few seconds, no one said anything then quietly, one by one, they joined her on the field. The faster runners quickly overtook her but many students kept the same stride she did. Noah and Emmett passed by after the second lap. She kept her face away from Noah but rolled her eyes when Emmett shot her a wink. In the middle of the third lap, someone fell into step beside her. Amber almost stumbled when she recognized the swing of blonde hair.

Lexi kept her eyes forward, her speed matching Amber’s.

“Hey,” Amber said. She hadn’t seen Lexi in the hall yesterday and they hadn’t talked much outside of practices lately. She hadn’t returned to practice with Amber and Evelyn at the theatre. Amber hadn’t forced her to.

“Enjoying yourself?” Lexi puffed.

“What?”

Lexi glanced at Amber, her lips pulled in a thin line. “You picked a fight with your best friend, accused her, shoved her apparently. Anyone else would have been shunned for doing that to their friend. But I guess you aren’t just anyone, huh?”

Amber frowned. “It’s no one’s business that I fought with Beverly or are you taking her side?”

Lexi laughed without humor. “I mean, why not? You don’t need us on your side, Amber. Your loyal posse of students will follow you to the ends of the earth. Somehow, you’ve robbed them of both their sights and senses.”

Amber clenched her hands. The air around them grew warmer or maybe it was her. She could feel her anger surging, rising faster and higher the more Lexi spoke. “I have never forced anyone to bow down to me or to like me, Lexi.”

“Of course you haven’t. Somehow, you always get what you want even when you don’t deserve to have it gifted to you.” Lexi met Amber’s eyes, a dangerous glint in hers. In that second, her friend looked wild. “Don’t worry, I’m going to enjoy stripping it away from you.”

Amber didn’t see the ankle she tripped on. But she felt it. The hard clash of bone on bone, the painful twinge that coursed through her leg, the heavy thud of her body against the ground. She crashed against her ground hard, the breath knocked out of her as she rolled on the dusty tarmac. Her head spun and although she blinked, the action felt slow and sluggish.

“Amber!”

The scream was distant to her ears. The clouds swam in the ocean sky above her. What just happened? Amber could barely think past the pain shooting through her body. Shouts above her head became more distinguishable as she tried to sit up.

“I saw you trip her! You were running beside her and you stuck out your leg. What’s wrong with you?” Evelyn yelled.

The whole class had come to a standstill, staring as Evelyn faced Lexi. Shocked whispers and scathing comments. Another spectacle to fuel the gossip mill.

“Hey! I didn’t do anything,” Lexi argued.

“I saw you. Stop lying. She’s supposed to be your friend. How could you do that to her?”

Amber’s head spun again, confusion setting heavily. Lexi tripped her? On purpose? She’d felt the hard shove between her legs, the misstep she had taken to try to avoid it. But it had been too late.

Coach Pratani pushed through the frozen students to meet them. The shrill scream of her whistle made the students beside her cringe away, their hands reaching to protect their ears.

“That’s enough. No yelling, Miss Davenport. Step back, Miss McCarthy.”

“Amber! Are you okay? Can you stand?” Noah bent over her, his eyes drawn in concern, his face pale. “Say something. Where are you hurt?” he tried to ask.

Where was she hurt?

How could she even begin to answer that?

Her friend had looked her in the eye as she tripped her and was now lying about it!

Coach Pratani turned to Amber, Evelyn and Lexi held back on both sides of her. “Did you see who pushed you?” The woman asked.

“No one pushed her. She was weaving a little. She must have tripped on her own feet,” Lexi answered before she could.

Amber stared at her ‘friend’ . Lexi stared right back, arms folded and gaze cold. Her hands clenched at the victory she could almost see in Lexi. What was she being punished for? This wasn’t about Beverly or Lexi would have plainly said so. No, this was something way more personal. Amber had no idea what.

“You’re lying.” Amber scowled. “She’s lying, Coach Pratani.” She had enough people pushing her around. Her mother and Beverly were two high up on that list. She wasn’t eager to add Lexi.

“I’ll get to the bottom of this later.” Their teacher ran a hand down her face. “Amber, can you stand?”

She moved to get up as Noah braced her arms. Amber was too fixated on Lexi to remember she was trying to stay away from him. Amber crashed down hard when she took a step with her right foot, a shout of pain leaving her lips.

“Amber!”

“Oh my god, are you okay?”

“What’s wrong?”

The voices filled her head to the point of bursting. She bit her lips to hold in the sting of tears. Not her ankle, she silently prayed. Not now. Coach Pratani crouched beside Amber, her hands going for her foot. When she touched it, Amber let out a hiss and tightened her hold on Noah’s hand in hers.

Their teacher eyed her leg, concern edging into the corner of her eyes. “We need to get you to the clinic. Looks like a sprain.”

A sprain? Amber almost conked out again.

“I’ll take her,” Noah volunteered immediately.

“She needs to get her head checked too, in case she hit it when she went down. I can send another student with you,” Coach began but Noah shook his head. He bent, his arms surrounding Amber and in the next second, she was hauled against his chest. Amber caught more than a few wide eyes among the students still crowding them. Oh God, no one would focus on their classes for the rest of the school day. Too much had happened in the span of yesterday and today that they couldn’t not talk about.

“I’ll take her to the nurse and make sure she’s okay.” Noah started walking, leaving Amber with no choice but to wrap her hands around his neck. He moved quickly, crossing the field back into the school.

Behind them, Couch Pratani’s whistle screeched then her voice rang out, “Nothing to see here. Back to your laps or you’ll run three more.”

Evelyn and Lexi stayed beside the teacher as the rest of the class quickly resumed running. Beverly hesitated, her gaze on Noah’s back as he carried Amber. A pinched expression sat on Beverly’s face before she turned back to her run. Amber glanced away, wondering if she imagined the worry on Beverly’s face. There was a possibility she had a head wound from that fall. She looked up, her eyes meeting familiar, almost identical blue ones this time.

Lexi tilted her head when Amber met her eyes. A sly grin painted on her face. Her hand raised, hidden from Evelyn and Coach who had their backs to her and she blew Amber a kiss.

Amber released her grip on Noah’s gym shirt when he sat her on the infirmary bedspread. The two nurses on duty shot to their feet, hurrying over to them. Amber was sure she made a sight. Her hair was a mess and she could feel dirt on her cheeks. Her gym wear was stained and even under her nails were caked with sand.

One of the nurses pulled a chart and began to write things down as the other nurse examined her, asking where she was hurt and how much pain she felt in a particular area. Noah gave them a short recap of the incident and Coach’s instruction to check her head.

When the nurse checking her over reached for her ankle, Amber let out a sharp gasp. The older woman shot her a sympathetic look and tried again with softer hands. It didn’t matter. Amber’s ankle throbbed, the pain reaching her head and leaving her with a pounding headache. Above her folded sock, she could see her ankle was purplish red and swollen.

The nurses exchanged a meaningful look, one Amber didn’t like at all. The one who had tried to touch her ankle sent her a sympathetic smile. “Give us a minute, dear. Hannah will get you some ice for the swelling and I’ll call in the doctor. He won’t take long. Your student records are all up to date, yes? We’ll take care of calling your parents.”

Her head shot up so fast her vision dimmed for a second. Her words were slow and jumbled as she called out to them. “W-wait. What? No, you don’t have to–”

They walked out of the room like they hadn’t heard her. Amber groaned, her hand running through her hair. The braid she had pulled it into before class was disheveled and dirty. Another thing to add to her misery.

“I’ll tell them not to call her,” Noah said. He leaned against the second bed in the room, separated a few feet from hers by a half drawn curtain. “If you want,” he finished.

Amber held his gaze for a second, then she looked away. “No need. She’ll find out anyway. She always does.”

The last part was whispered, but he heard it. His fingers drummed against the bedrail beside his thigh. He looked deep in contemplation and Amber almost wished he didn’t ask but the universe wasn’t exactly answering her these days.

“I was trying to talk to you this morning. I didn’t mean to annoy you by asking how you were–”

“So why did you?”

He looked at her, his brows furrowed. Those dark eyes settled heavily on her. “I care about you, Amber. Of course I was worried.”

She refused to let his words slink warmth into her heart. “Why do you care? We aren’t friends, Noah. We’ve never been friends. In fact, I’m pretty sure we hated each other for years and constantly took out our frustrations on one another. That was it.”

“Don’t do that.” His voice was sharp. “Don’t try to deny that we connected, that we had something, because you’re angry.”

She looked away, her jaw tight. He had seen her at the greenhouse, he had accepted the bare parts of her soul under the stars and he could read her lies as she told them.

His voice softened when she blinked to hold back the tears. He shifted on the bed, a crinkly sound leaving the mackintosh. “You can talk to me,” he said. “You were there for me when I needed it. I want to be there for you too.”

A shallow laugh left her. “You want to pay me back for being your shrink by being mine?”

Noah’s eyes flew to hers, the surprise in them mixed with hurt. “That isn’t… that’s not what this is. That’s not what I meant.”

“Isn’t it?” she croaked. Another laugh escaped. “You’re so eager to do something for me but for weeks, it’s been me helping you build the perfect little presidential reputation that has everyone falling at your feet now. How does it feel to have used me to do your bidding?”

“You’re not making any sense. We made that deal together.”

“I’m making perfect sense, but you’re not listening. No one listens. They don’t want to listen. All they want is perfection, all the time. I’m tired of hearing that word.”

“No one is asking you to be perfect,” his voice was soft again.

“How would you know?” her voice rose then cracked off at the end. Her eyes stung, her tears on the brim. “You’ve never had to be perfect for anyone, Noah. You’re not the only child. You’re not the first born. No one’s ever needed you to be perfect. No one’s ever needed you. You could do whatever you want and your parents wouldn’t even care. They aren’t the ones controlling everything in your life. You’re just too much of a coward to do it for yourself.”

His breath stilled and those eyes darkened. That wasn’t true. She knew that wasn’t true but she had said it and hurt him anyway. She had hurt Noah. The first tear dribbled down her cheek.

“This isn’t about me,” he started slowly. “This is about you accusing Beverly. I want to understand what happened. She’s your friend, Amber.”

A scoff left her, loud and sharp. This was Noah drawing the line, wasn’t it? This was him choosing someone else over her. The same way everyone else in her life had done.

“I have no friends. None of you are my friends. You all want something from me. Everyone wants something and you’re always taking and taking. Why do you keep taking when I have nothing to give? When will it ever be enough?”

She wasn’t sure if she was still talking about Beverly. Her hands shook in her lap. She looked down at the tear droplets that laid there. She didn’t remember them falling.

“Don’t push us away. We’re here and we want to–”

“No!” she screamed, her hands slapping against her ears. She wanted to be anywhere this heart rending pain wasn’t. Amber pushed away from the bed, the jarring movement of her right foot on the floor making her stumble. Noah reached out to steady her.

“Don’t touch me!” she hissed.

“You need to be on the bed until the doctor gets here.”

She shrieked again, her hands covering her ears and pulling at her hair. “Stop it! Stop telling me what to do all the time. I’m so sick and so tired of hearing it.” Her eyes roamed the room, unseeing. “I know I’m broken, imperfect, undeserving but I’m trying. Don’t you see that? I keep trying but you don’t care! None of you care. You want to take more of what I can’t give. You can’t keep doing this. Please. For once, leave me alone. I’m so tired of it.”

Tears poured down her face. Her throat ached. Her hands buried in her hair, pulling at her scalp so hard it hurt. Everything hurt so much.

Hands grabbed at her. She jolted and shook them off. Noah stood before her, his arms held out cautiously. His eyes were haunted as he stared into hers. When had he moved? Amber couldn’t bear him being so close. She would stain him. She would make him as broken as she was.

“D-don’t touch me,” she sniffled. She pulled away. “Don’t come near me. Go away.”

“Amber…”

“Stop. Just stop it. Don’t be stubborn, Noah. Please go away. I want to be alone. I don’t want to be anywhere near someone who hurts me as much as she did for years.”

Noah blanched, his eyes falling deeper into his pale face. He shook his head hard, brown locks falling everywhere. “No. I’m not like your mom. Don’t say that.”

He wasn’t, her heart rebelled along with him. Amber didn’t listen. She turned away and spoke the words she knew she would regret for the rest of her life. “No, you’re worse because you hurt me for your pleasure and amusement.”

The room echoed the devastating words bouncing against every wall, every surface and back between them. Noah stood frozen, his hands trembling at his sides. Amber was too scared to look into his eyes. She didn’t want to see more of the damage she had caused. His jaw worked so hard she thought she heard them make a click as his teeth knocked into each other. He wasn’t looking at her, his head turned away. It was almost like… he couldn’t look at her.

Her heart took another blow in her chest. She had done this. She had done this to them. It was all her fault.

“I never meant to hurt you and I’m so sorry that I did anyway. I’ll live with that regret forever, Amber.”

For some reason, the sound of her name on his lips had never hurt quite as it did then. In a few strides, he was out of the room before she could call him back, apologize, beg him to forget she had ever said that. It wouldn’t be of any use. The words were stuck in her throat along with her self-loathing. She was alone, left to the silence she had demanded for. The taunting silence, a predator she had been running from all her life. After everything she’d done to escape it, it had found her when she was at her weakest. Now, it fed on her despair, swallowing her up in its loneliness.

Amber fell to the cold floor, her knees giving up on her. Her ankle throbbed in protest, her heart hung by a thread and her tears, they unleashed themselves, her sobs racking over her so hard they shook the metal frame of the bed she leaned on.

But no matter how many tears fell, they couldn’t bring Noah back. They couldn’t make her feel less broken. Nothing could.