Adam
“You did good,” Jeremy says, slapping me on the back before giving my shoulder a squeeze.
He scans the bonfire with me, hundreds of Greek students gathered to celebrate our new members.
It’s my first New Member bonfire as president, and the pride I feel swelling in my chest is almost too much to bear.
I can’t help the goofy grin on my face, the warm, fuzzy cloud floating through me — though that might be the alcohol.
“Thank you. And it wasn’t just me. We did good.”
“We did, didn’t we?” Jeremy smiles wider, shaking his head. “I think this is our best pledge class yet. This is definitely the best turnout for the fire, that’s for sure.”
I nod in agreement, taking another drink from the red Solo cup in my hand. The night is still going strong, the kegs slowly tapping out one by one as the hours stretch into early morning. And as proud as I am of Jeremy and myself, of our leaders, I’m even more proud of our pledges.
It wasn’t easy, what we asked of them.
Dropping your cell phone for more than an hour is hard for our generation to do, let alone giving it up for over a week.
Add in the fact that we put them through a little hell, a little bonding, and a lot of brotherhood testing out at the cabin, and it’s no wonder they’re all wearing their new letters like a badge of honor tonight.
My eyes skirt to where Cassie is, where I left her moments ago with Skyler.
I’d sat and talked with them for almost an hour, loving the way Cassie seemed to be letting herself have a little fun, but I knew from the moment I sat down that she wanted to talk to me — and I couldn’t blame her. I had some explaining to do.
I wanted to tell her I was leaving after we hooked up last week.
The last thing I wanted her thinking was that I would do that and then stop returning her texts — and I had turned on my phone to one from her saying we needed to talk.
My stomach had dropped at that, but I knew she’d understand once I explained.
I was the president, and I had to lead by example. If the pledges couldn’t be on their phones, I wouldn’t be on mine, either.
Still, I feel her eyes from across the fire, hear the plea behind them. She needs answers, and when Kip and Skyler disappear, Erin heading off in the other direction, it leaves her all alone on the bench we were just sitting at together.
I take another drink, hoping the beer will somehow give me the right words to say.
“I’m going to go see about a girl,” I say to Jeremy.
His brows knit together, but when his gaze follows mine to Cassie, he smirks. “Have fun, El Presidente. You deserve it.”
I hold up my cup toward him with a little nod, and then one hand slips into my jeans pocket as I make my way to Cassie.
Her eyes widen a little when she notices me moving across the lot, and she looks around for someone to talk to, someone to save her from having to stare at me while I walk her way.
I can’t help but smile at how easily she wears her nerves, her cheeks flushing the closer I get, fingers brushing her hair behind her ear.
She takes a sip from her cup, balancing it on one shaking knee as she looks anywhere but at me until I’m right in front of her.
“Hey, you,” I say, plopping down beside her where Skyler sat before. She’d been between us then, a barrier, but with nothing between us now, that same familiar buzz surges to life as soon as her eyes find mine.
“Hey.”
I sigh, hating the way she’s looking at me, like I can’t be trusted, like I’m not the person she thought I was. It’s everything I’ve been trying to avoid. I want to be a man of my word with her, want to be different from the others, and yet I know without asking that I’ve hurt her.
“I’m sorry,” I say immediately.
Her eyes widen, the emerald flecks of them flickering in the fire light. “You are?”
“Yes, I am,” I say, smirking. “I know the week must have been hard for you, with me not responding to your text. You had no idea where I went, and I didn’t tell you I was leaving.
But, I want you to understand that Alpha Sigma and my brothers are important to me.
I wanted to tell you, but I had told everyone else in leadership that they were explicitly forbidden from telling anyone what the date was for us to leave for the trip.
I wanted to lead by example.” I shrug, scratching at my neck.
“Although, saying that out loud sounds a little silly. I know I could have told you and you wouldn’t have told anyone else. ”
“I wouldn’t have.”
I search her eyes, wanting so desperately to reach for her.
“I really am sorry, Cassie. I wanted to tell you, but I was trying to do right by my fraternity. And I hope you know now that I’m back, that you know where I was, that everything is okay between us.
I meant what I said to you last week,” I promise, and then I lower my voice, leaning in closer. “And I meant every single touch, too.”
Cassie inhales a shallow breath, her bottom lip trembling slightly. Her knees clench together, but then her eyes rip away from mine, hands slipping under the backs of her thighs as she stares down at her Keds.
“Talk to me,” I beg her, scooting closer. Our legs brush, the energy transferring between us.
“You said everything is okay between us,” she whispers. “But… is it really?”
“Of course, it is.”
I shake my head, finally giving into the urge to reach for her. I grab her wrist, pulling one hand from under her leg and into my grip, but she slides it away immediately, tucking her hair behind her ear before sitting on the hand again.
“Cassie… what’s wrong?”
She rolls her eyes, letting out an exhausted huff. “How can you even ask me that when you know the answer?” Her eyes land hard on mine, the pain ridden in them. “Why aren’t we together, Adam? Why don’t you want me to be your girlfriend?”
“I do,” I assure her. “When the time is right.”
“What does that even mean?” She throws her hands up, letting them smack her thighs when they fall. “You know, Erin said something to me last week that really hit me hard. She said, if a guy wants to be with you, then he will be. And a real man won’t make you wonder what you mean to him.”
Her words are like a slap to the face, and I flinch back at the sting of them.
“You don’t know what you mean to me?”
“Not anymore,” she answers quickly, and then her hands are tucked under her thighs again, her little shoulders shrugging as she looks down at the dirt. “Maybe not ever, really.”
I drag a hand over my jaw, closing my eyes as I search for the right thing to say, to make her understand. Right now, it feels like everything she just said stole my breath, my will to speak along with it.
How can I make her understand?
To tell her I don’t want to just be another Grayson or Clay would insult her.
She knows I’m not them, and it’s like me telling her that she needs to have better judgment, that she needs to take a step back and evaluate before jumping in.
But I don’t mean it that way. I only want her to be happy — truly happy — with herself, and with me.
I can’t tell her I’m doing this for her, because I know as much as she does that she’s a strong, resilient girl. She can make her own decisions, and I honor those choices.
I just want her to take a moment for herself.
I want her to know that I will wait, that there’s no rush.
Sitting next to her now, her bottom lip sucked between her teeth, I have to remind myself again exactly why I want to wait.
“I don’t know how to explain this in words,” I say softly, resting my hand on her knee.
I don’t reach for her hand again, but I crave the connection, the need to let her feel me when I speak.
“And I may not ever be able to fully explain it. But, my grandfather taught me that actions speak louder than words. And you’ve heard a lot of talk, Cassie. ”
She sniffs, eyes still on the dirt.
“You heard Clay tell you you could trust him, that he wouldn’t hurt you — but his actions proved you wrong.
You heard Grayson when he said he loved you, that he would take care of you, that you were safe — but then his actions proved you wrong again.
And now here I am,” I say modestly, shaking my head as I swallow past the knot in my throat.
“Just another boy completely fascinated with you, who has loved you for so long — longer than I should have. And I’m telling you all those same things. ”
Cassie slowly pulls her gaze to mine, her shiny green eyes shielded under bent brows.
“You can trust me,” I say, repeating what I know those other boys said.
“I won’t hurt you. I love you, I want to take care of you, and you’re safe with me.
” I swallow again, harder this time. “I mean every word, Cassie. But give me the chance to prove it to you. Let me show you I mean it, while you take the time to heal those scars the other guys left. Do I want to help? Absolutely. But I know your strength, and I know the girl who existed before those scars were left. She’s different now — stronger, smarter, even more beautiful, somehow.
” I smile at that, and the corner of her own mouth twitches up.
“And I want her to remember that. I want you to spend some well-deserved time on yourself because I care about you. That’s the first step for me in my actions speaking louder than my words.
Because as much as I want to wrap you up in my arms and tell everyone that you’re my girl, what I want more is for you to be happy, to be free, to be you. ”
Cassie smiles then, her eyes glossing over so much that one tear leaks free.
“You’re not just mine,” I tell her, wiping the tear away with the pad of my thumb.
“You belong to you. Take this time, just heal a little, and know I’m always here.
I’m not going anywhere. Those guys lied when they said you were their girl, when they said you were the only one they wanted.
When I say it, when we make it official, you’ll know in your heart that there’s no possible way it could be a lie.
” I shrug. “You’ll know, because even without saying it, without anyone else knowing, it’s already true. ”
It’s as if my words break her, because Cassie’s face warps, and then she buries it in her palms, her shoulders shaking a little.
I pull her into me, not worried about the eyes around us now.
Most of her sisters are gone, and anyone who’s still partying is too far gone to care what’s happening around them, anyway.
Cassie’s hands grip at my hoodie, pulling me closer as she rests her face in the crook of my neck.
“I’m sorry,” she says with a sniff. “I’m such a mess.”
“No, you’re not.”
“I am,” she insists, pulling back to look at me.
“I’ve been going crazy, convincing myself that you didn’t really care about me, that it was all a lie.
And why? Because that’s what I’ve been conditioned to do.
That’s what those other guys taught me. So I was so quick to just assume that you would do the same.
” She shakes her head. “I’m so sorry. I assumed the worst of you, when all you’ve done is prove to me that you care. ”
“That’s not true.”
She sniffs again, watching me.
“Cassie, I’ve hurt you, too. When I was with Skyler, when you were with Grayson, and so many times between. What we have? It hasn’t come easy.” I chuckle. “Not even close. And it’s okay that you feel the way you do. That’s why I want to prove to you with my actions what I mean with my words.”
She lets out a long, exasperated sigh, nodding. “I do, too.”
“Hey,” I say, rubbing my hands on her sweater-covered arms. “Why don’t you come to the dance tomorrow night? Take my extra ticket. We don’t have to tell anyone that you’re my date. You can just come and hang out with your sisters, and maybe save me a few dances.”
Cassie smiles. “Really? I was hoping I could go, but wasn’t sure if you’d ask.”
“Really. And you know what else?”
She shakes her head.
“I’m going to book you a spa day for this weekend. Go get your shoulders rubbed, a little face mask action.” She shakes her head, eyes wide like I can’t possibly spend my money on her. “Don’t even try to argue, I’m doing it. And you’re going.”
She laughs, still sniffling. “You’re impossible.”
“I know. But, it’s Valentine’s Day. As much as I want to take you out on a date and then take you back and do very not-safe-for-work things to you, I think this year it should be a little different. This year, maybe you spend the holiday of love loving yourself a little.”
Cassie shakes her head, a bright smile breaking through as she slips her hand into mine. “I like that idea.”
“Yeah?”
She nods. “Yeah.”
“Good. It’s settled then. We have a big limo picking up some other sisters from your house tomorrow. I’ll save you a seat.”
“Okay,” she says, smiling. And then, she just watches me, her big green eyes nearly doubling in size as she searches me. It’s like she’s checking to see if I’m real, or memorizing the moment to hold onto forever.
Maybe both.
And it’s the first time I feel like maybe my plan is working. Maybe I really can show her with my actions what she means to me, instead of just telling her. Maybe I really can treat her like the woman she’s always deserved to be treated like.
Cassie McBee has never been loved the right way, and I vow to be the one to break that streak.
I vow to be the first one to really love her, to really be loved by her.
And, hopefully, the last one, too.