Chapter 42
W as he for real?
That wasn’t the issue here. It was basically the opposite of her problem.
His face hardened.
“Not want you? How could I not want you?” she blurted out, wanting that look on his face erased. “That isn’t the issue.”
“Then what is the issue?”
She took a breath. He was always going on about honesty, so she should give him some.
“The issue is that I want that too much. Don’t you know that by now?
I’m pretty sure that I haven’t hid it well.
I want you so much it’s all I can do sometimes not to beg you to take pity on me.
When I first met you, I could barely speak to you.
Sometimes I still have trouble making my brain function when I look at you.
And maybe if this was just a sexual thing, just a physical attraction, then perhaps I could do it.
But it’s not. Because you’re offering me something that I have always wanted but never thought I would have the chance to experience, a Daddy .
. . a Papa. My Little . . . God, all she wants is someone to take care of and protect her.
She’s so . . . sensitive. But I can’t let her have you. ”
“Why not?”
How did he not know? Why was he making her say this?
“Because if I do . . . when you leave you will shatter her . . . shatter me. You’ll take a piece of me with you and I might not ever recover.
And I know that sounds overly dramatic. If I could do this without getting my emotions involved, I would.
Unfortunately, I don’t know how to do that.
I’m already in too deep, any further . .
. it will cause me too much damage. And I’ve learned that the only person who will protect me is me.
” Ever since that kiss, she’d been thinking about him kissing her again.
It was almost obsessive and it wasn’t healthy.
“Are you forgetting who I am?”
“Uh, my bodyguard?”
“Your protector.” He placed his hand on her chest. “I protect you.”
“Physically.”
“In all ways,” he told her. “Emotionally, mentally, and physically.”
She shook her head. “That’s not your job.”
“It is now. I already told you that I’m the boss of you.”
“What has that got to do with anything?” she asked.
“Being the boss of you means all of you. Every piece. And being your boss means I guard all of you fiercely.”
She just stared at him in shock. She couldn’t let herself believe in what he was saying.
“I want to be yours, Bébé, in the same way that you’re mine. I want you to be my Little, my girl, my woman. Mon amour. Mon Coeur .”
Mon amour? His love?
Mon Coeur? She thought she knew that one. Heart? His heart?
Her own heart was beating rapidly and her mouth felt dry as she searched for the words she needed.
“You really want me?”
He frowned and leaned forward, moving his hands to her hips. “I don’t like how surprised you sound. Why wouldn’t I want you? You’re the most stunning, amazing woman I’ve met in my life. I’m just lucky that I don’t have to commit murder to get you.”
“M-murder?”
“Hmm, if someone else had found you first, I would have had to take them out. Because you’re meant to be mine and I’m yours.”
“Did you . . . did you hit your head last night? Inhale too much smoke?”
“Are you saying it would take a catastrophic injury for me to want you?” he asked incredulously.
Okay, she could see how that sounded a bit insulting, but it really felt like he was coming at her from left field.
“I’m saying that you weren’t talking like this a couple of days ago. I don’t get what changed.”
“What changed is that you could have died last night.” There was a starkness in his voice that hit her hard. It burrowed its way into her stomach and took hold.
She could have died. He could have died. And her babies.
Maya was trying her best to push that deep because otherwise she might be completely overwhelmed. She had to keep functioning and it was difficult with how much she wanted to bury her head in the sand and just let someone else take over.
Because she didn’t know what to do with the knowledge that Vince was trying to kill her. Before, he was a threat, but not a deadly one. The threat to her father . . . well, that hadn’t even seemed that real.
Now. It was all very real.
“And I would have lost my chance to be happy because I thought that wasn’t what I wanted.
Because I convinced myself that the life I already led was the only one that suited me.
So fucking stupid. The truth, as much as I don’t want to admit it, is that I was scared to acknowledge my feelings for you, my need, because I don’t like feeling that way about anyone.
Relying on anyone. I don’t like letting people close. ”
She sucked in a deep breath. “We have something in common.”
“We do. For similar reasons. I need to tell you something.”
“All right,” she whispered, wondering what he was going to tell her. He wasn’t a person to talk much about himself. She’d gotten bits and pieces but nothing more.
“Both of my parents are dead.”
Um, right. He’d already told her that. But she nodded anyway, waiting for what he had to say.
“I told you that they died in an accident, but that wasn’t the full truth. That’s just something I tell people because it’s easier.”
Okay, she didn’t like that. She wasn’t just people.
No, she wanted to be more. She wanted to believe in what he was saying about wanting more with her. However, there was a part of her that was having trouble believing that it was real.
“There was a car accident, but that’s not how they both died.
My papa was driving too fast for the conditions.
We’d been on at him to get his eyes tested, but he thought he had perfect vision.
He miscalculated a turn and took it too fast. The crash left my papa injured but all right.
However, my maman was left in a coma, fighting for her life.
She had brain damage and the doctors warned us that it wasn’t likely that she would survive. ”
“Oh my God,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“My father didn’t take it well. When I finally got him to agree to take her off life support, he collapsed. I should have known . . . should have realized that he shouldn’t be left alone.”
She had a terrible feeling that she knew where this was going. And she wasn’t sure whether she wanted to hear what he had to say.
“I found him several hours later at their house. He shot himself.”
“Oh, Matthieu. I’m so sorry.” She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him.
He stood and picked her up in his arms, then he sat on the bed with her on his lap. Her legs were straddling his hips. She could feel herself blushing.
Now isn’t the time to get turned on.
“That must have been terrible for you.” She couldn’t even think of what to say to him. She was so crap at this.
“It was. I was so angry at him. But I was even more angry at myself for not realizing, for not doing something. I know I was an adult, but I still needed him.”
Hesitantly, she cupped his face between her hands. “I’m not the best person at knowing what to say in situations like this, but it wasn’t your fault. You lost your mom too. He should have known how upset you would be.”
She knew it was wrong to feel mad at his dad, but she couldn’t stop that feeling from welling up.
If his dad was here now, she’d probably let him know exactly what she thought of him.
Easy. His dad is gone. He’s in pain. The last thing he needs is you telling him how angry you are at his dad.
“Yeah, I think that’s why I was most angry, because it felt like he didn’t even think about me.
All he thought of was himself. How devastated he was.
How he didn’t want to live without her. But I had to go on without them both.
It was always the three of us. They couldn’t have other children after me.
We were always close. They adored each other, but they always loved me as well.
I used to watch the two of them, how devoted they were to one another and I wanted something like that. ”
Is that why he’d never had a long-term relationship? Because he’d never found that before?
Had he found it with her?
Hope welled inside her.
“But after they died, I realized the downside of loving someone that much. So much that you lost yourselves in them and couldn’t imagine being without them.”
And the hope started to die. Did he want her because he didn’t love her the way his parents had loved each other?
“I decided that I didn’t want to end up like them, so in love with another person that I couldn’t live without them. That I would leave everyone else behind to be with them. I couldn’t love to that extreme.”
“So that’s why you want to be with me?” she asked in a hoarse voice. “Because you know you will not love me like that?”
Shock filled his face and he grasped hold of her hips firmly, as though he was worried that she would try to get away from him.
There was no way she was moving, though. She wasn’t certain that her legs would even hold her up.
“You deserve a consequence for that,” he informed her in a stern voice.
Her mouth dropped open. She couldn’t believe he’d just said that to her.
“E-excuse me?”
“I’m going to add that to the punishment you have coming. Something we will take care of soon.”
“P-punishment?” How could he think of punishment after telling her that he wanted her to be his?
Because he wanted her but didn’t want her too much.
Do not be hurt by this.
But she couldn’t help but feel hurt.
“Yes, punishment. For not telling me your plans to rescue the puppies. And for daring to say that I want to be with you because I wouldn’t love you the way my papa loved my maman.”
“That’s not why you want to be with me?” she asked to clarify.
“You just keep adding to that spanking,” he growled.
“S-spanking?” she squealed. “No one mentioned a spanking!”
“That’s what you’ve earned.”
“For asking questions?”
“For thinking that what I feel for you could be anything less than fucking soul destroying.”