Chapter 45
Mila
My pulse quickens, but instead of a cold chill blanketing my exposed skin, a feverish sweat breaks out as I cross the fighting pit. It ’ s like I ’ m dancing to the crescendo of a ballet. My muscles are in pain, and my heart is struggling to match the pace of my legs.
I ’ m almost done.
Almost there.
In the corner of my eye I see Jared ’ s dead body. I hesitate before my heels presume to run to Dash.
Suddenly I feel more villainous.
I know, Jared, no wait. I knew him, and he ’ s dead now. Should I stop by his body or ignore it?
He lied to me; he hurt me, and now he ’ s dead because of it.
Cillian walks past me towards Dante. Dash remains motionless, his back to me. I know he must hear me coming, but then he looks to his right, where a small group of students is still gathering, heads tilted backward in laughter as they recall Jared ’ s death.
It makes me sick! I want them to have to fight in The Cleansing and face the same outcome Jared did.
Does that make me a hero, wanting to give them their due, or is that how a villain thinks?
Instead of turning towards me, Dash starts to close the distance between the students. A new fear hammers in my heart. Is he going to fight them?
When he reaches them, the gossiping halts. A few girls swoon, and others take a wise step back. Some of the guys widen their shoulders, unsure of what the newly born monster will do.
What Dash does next makes me wish this was all a nightmare. I want to wake up and beg him to run away with me.
Dash grabs Casandra ’ s hand. She ’ s one of those girls who is always after the latest and greatest. She ’ s been through all the guys here and a few of the girls, too. Cold, calculating, and dangerous. I ’ ve never been on her radar. A girl like Casandra would never even consider me a threat.
Casandra ’ s lips part with shock, but it ’ s her eyes that have me stumbling back. A sharp intake of breath has me bracing for the knife that is about to be plunged into my chest. Dash jerks her to his bare, dirty chest, the same chest that has Jared ’ s and his blood spattered on it.
Dash wastes no time trying to shatter all my hopes and dreams.
It was silly of me to have them, anyway.
He kisses her, holding her tighter to him, grabbing her ass to bring her higher. He angles his head, pushing his tongue deep as she moans and wraps her arms around him.
“ I know what you ’ re doing, Dash King,” I whisper, but it reaches no one. Completely unheard is how I used to feel before Dash entered my life. Then he came and heard everything I didn ’ t say—all my buried truths.
Now, he wants me to live in a void again.
He ’ s pushing me away because he thinks I can ’ t handle his darkness. Newsflash, you ’ re not dark, Dash King. You are a flickering light in my life.
I stand there and watch, waiting for it to end. I wait and wait. Each second feels like a lifetime. I feel eyes on me, laughing and gossiping.
“ She ’ s pathetic.”
“ Of course, he wants a girl like Casandra; he ’ s a King. Mila is just…Mila.” A guy snickers.
“ Let me walk you home,” Dante says.
I jump. When did he come to my side? How long has Dash been kissing and feeling up Casandra now?
I swallow hard and ball my fist. Don ’ t let it work. This isn ’ t real; he ’ s just trying to push you away. “ I know what he ’ s doing.” I nod. “ He ’ s trying to push me away.”
Dante steps in front of me, blocking my view. “ Maybe this time you should heed his warning.” He replies with a trace of desperation, as if he were my older brother trying to push my heart inside a safe so it can’t break further.
I peel my eyes up to Dante ’ s, “ How many times have you turned your back on the person you loved, the person who needs your help so badly but keeps trying to push you away?”
Dante ’ s full lips part in sadness. He reaches up as if to comfort me, but his hand swings down, leaving only coldness.
“ I thought we were a family. Oh wait, this is how families in our world act. Distant and deceptive.”
Dante ’ s eyes avoid mine now. “ This is a game. Lose this round, Mila. Go back to your dorm,” he breathes in haste.
I reach out, feeling my world tilt. You ’ re asking me to sink and drown, to never feel the sun on my face or the hands of the man I love embrace me.
Dante finally touches me, grabbing my forearms to keep me upright.
“ What are you talking about? Love isn ’ t a game, it ’ s the answer to ending them.”
“ Just let him go,” Dante presses as he shakes me. “ Stop embarrassing yourself.” He spits.
I look around and see a few students snapping pictures of me crying. In the distance, I see Dash hand in hand with Casandra as they begin to walk away.
Screw this!
“ Dash!” I scream, sidestepping Dante.
Dash doesn ’ t stop. I feel like I ’ m deep in a hole of my own making as I desperately try to dig my way out to see the light, but the more I fight, the more dirt keeps falling, trying to bury me alive.
“ Dash King, stop!” I shout as I run towards them. Have I lost my mind, or is the world surrounding me the madness I can ’ t escape?
I just want to save him the way he saved me. I want to take away the weapon he ’ s trying to cut his flesh with and replace it with my love.
Is that so wrong?
Casandra turns around, her long brown hair waving like the winner ’ s flag in the wind. “ He ’ s mine. He ’ s done with you.” She sneers, her cruel eyes turning up.
I reach up and grab Dash ’ s shoulder; his body shakes my touch off, keeping his back towards me. He sighs heavily, as if annoyed.
Moving fast, I place myself in front of him. “ I know what you're doing.” I hiss, standing toe to toe with him.
Dash flashes me a lifeless smirk. “ No, Mila, you don ’ t. You have never known what I ’ m doing. You were a game. A bet I made with Dante and Cillian.”
What?
I shake my head as more tears fall. I wish I could keep them buried inside. I used to be able to until Dash ripped me open. “ You ’ re lying.” I wipe my tears with the back of my hand.
“ We like to shatter broken things,” Dash retorts with chilling calm. “ and you, Mila, were so incredibly broken and easy to shatter.” He shrugs.
“ Tell me something I don ’ t know.” I retort with a stony demeanor that surprises Dash. I know Dash broke me, and then he took all those pieces and made me feel whole again.
“ You weren ’ t that fun to break.” He answers with a frosty tone that slows my blood.
That was painful to hear.
“ Liar,” I mutter, but my strength vanishes, my voice cracks, and more tears fall. “ Look at me and say that.” I challenge him.
His chest expands, and those blue eyes swirling with hazel—eyes that have kept my dreams in a chokehold—stare down at me, now pulling me into a nightmare. This time, instead of being cold yet thrilling like a smooth, frozen lake I can ’ t wait to skate on, they ’ re a tempest of frigid air and raging wind. I widen my stance, preparing for his fight.
He laughs and then reaches for Casandra, who proudly steps up to his side.
“ Get over yourself, Mila.” Dash mocks. Then he brushes past me as if I ’ m some annoying child trying to sell him cookies, heading towards the dorms with that bitch prancing by his side.
“ I want my favor!”
That makes him stop. This time, he spins around with a new air of confidence and a wicked grin that has me bracing for impact.
“ You gave me your word.” I insist.
He steps forward. “ I paid my debts.”
My forehead wrinkles. “ You did no such thing. You owe me.”
His grin stretches ear to ear. “ And I paid in full.” He closes the distance so only I can hear. “ Do you remember when I fucked you?” He asks.
His choice of words makes my body jerk. The first time we had sex wasn ’ t fucking and to call it such is the highest insult. We made love; we made each other feel something neither of us had felt before.
“ I told you that you would regret this.” He tilts his head, looking at me like I ’ m a pathetic creature clinging to the steps of his throne. “ You said, and I quote, ‘ I ’ ll live off the memories for much longer.’”.
I did say that.
My bottom lip trembles. “ Don ’ t do this, Dash.” I beg him as I stumble towards him. His arms don ’ t come out to help me balance. “ I know you don ’ t think that I can love you, but I can.”
He ignores me, going for the kill. “ You said you would worry about the repercussions later. This is later, Mila.” He steps back, creating a chasm between us. I don ’ t think my desperation can fill it.
“ I specifically asked you if fucking me was what you wanted.” His words kill my memories slowly.
“ Stop saying that!” I scream. “ It wasn ’ t fucking, it was more.”
“ You ’ re right. It was a game I was playing.”
A pained, dying cry slips from my lips.
Dash grinds his jaw.
“ That was me paying the favor I owe you back.”
I violently shake my head. “ You never said that. Sleeping with me wasn ’ t the favor I wanted, and you know it.”
“ But it ’ s what you picked.” His eyes narrow. “ I owe you nothing now.” He looks me up and down slowly, then turns and joins Casandra again.
Was it really a bet?
No. I shake my head. That was a lie to push me away.
But the favor…was it really just a favor to sleep with me?
I take a step forward, but a hand grabs my shoulders, spinning me around. I ball my fist and swing, aiming as high as I can. The figure ducks and I miss as expected. Only it ’ s not Cillian or Dante; I spot them leaving the clearing, and a new pain enters my bleeding chest.
“ Let him go,” the person holding me back says. I look up to see Avery Hailstone again.
“ Dash doesn ’ t want her. He… he is lying. He didn ’ t sleep with me as a game. He ’ s lying.” I ramble.
I don ’ t have time for this. I step to the side. I need to get to Dash.
Avery grabs me again. I swing my fist again, but she dodges.“What are you doing?” I snap as I rush towards the tree line. Where is he? Is he sprinting back to the dorms to fuck Casandra?
I swear to God, if he touches her that way, I won ’ t forgive him!
“ Helping you.”
“ You don ’ t know me,” I growl. It ’ s so dark now that I can barely make out the trees as I weave my way through them.
“ I know,” Avery replies, “ but I was you once.” Her words make my feet trip on a branch. Ouch! My knees hit the ground hard, and my palms rub and scrape the soil, cutting me.
“ Where is your line, Mila?”
I push myself up.
“ Are you going to chase him forever? Watch him push and shove you away with his actions?”
I spin around. “ I don ’ t need your help! Leave me alone.”
“ You will be alone if you keep this up. Men like Dash will take the best of you; he ’ s like a tide. He will come in and sweep parts of you away. Day after day until you are eroded and nothing is left.” I can hear a haunting pain mixed with her words.
“ So what should I do?” I hiss in annoyance as my eyes scan the forest for Dash.
Avery steps in front of me, grabs my chin, and tips my face up. “ Become a storm. Make your own waves.” She releases me. “ What you ’ re doing now is acting like a small wind battering impenetrable walls. It ’ s exhausting and deplorable. Try something else.” She crosses her arms.
I find my feet remaining still as my ears listen.
“ Stop trying to break through his defense. Men like him don ’ t break. You ’ ll never get over his walls, either.”
Her words pin me under a painful truth.
Avery ’ s eyes light up the darkness. “ But you can get under his walls, seep through his mind like water rushes into a crack. Slowly, those breaks will widen until you ’ re all he can think about again. Then the ball is in your court.” She smirks and steps back, holding my eyes for a moment, then turns and leaves.
I sink to my knees.
Avery is right.
The more I beg Dash, the easier it is for him to push me away. The same goes for all the men in my life. I need to become something else.
I need to find a way to get under their skin.
Dash said I didn ’ t have claws, I had poison. So I ’ ll use it. I ’ ll find my own way to survive until I see an escape. Then I will let my absence slowly sink into them like a venomous bite.
I don ’ t remember standing or walking back to the fighting pit. The spotlights are left on, shining on Jared ’ s dead body in a haunting manner. My head bobs from left to right.
I ’ m alone with Jared.
I feel as dead as him.
Sorry if that thought is an insult, Jared. It ’ s just how I honestly feel.
Then I ’ m in front of him, kneeling down until I find myself sitting next to him. Slowly, I reach out and grasp his hand. His skin already feels cold and hard. I look at his fingers, which used to hold me while I danced.
“ You were a monster, too,” I whisper. My tears fall slower now because I ’ m becoming numb again.
“ It seems I ’ m destined to be surrounded by people like you, Jared, yet somehow I keep surviving. I don ’ t want to turn into a villain in order to save myself, but this is real life, and heroes don ’ t always win.” I curl my knees up. “ I don ’ t know what to do. I…don ’ t know. But I know I love Dash and that love will never die; it will just change to hate, then love, then hate again. I don ’ t know how to make it stop transforming.”
I exhale, “ I ’ m sorry, Jared.” I slowly lower his hand back to the ground, and I wait for someone to come to collect his body.
I wait and wait. Eventually, the moon breaks through the peak of the trees, casting light into the pit. I scan the ground, and that ’ s when I see it: a pale-looking branch half covered in dirt. Standing, I find an urge to go to it. It is long with a slight curve and then a round knob on the end. Reaching down, I grasp it, realizing too late what it is.
I scream as I drop it to the ground and hurry back. It ’ s a bone. A human bone. I look back at Jared. That ’ s when it hits me: no one is coming for him. Not every family is proud to reclaim the dead body of the loser.
Jared is going to be left here to rot.
My hand clasps my mouth.
You just touched a human bone!
I drop my hand and feel the bile rising in my stomach as I bend over and retch.
It ’ s hard to survive in my world, to feel at all, but Dash made me feel, and although a part of me is numb again, there is a piece of me that can ’ t be frozen again. Turning, I go back to Jared; sinking to my knees, I begin. I allow all my feelings to control my body as I curl my hands into the dirt and begin to dig. That ’ s what I keep doing until the tips of my fingers are bloody. I keep digging because even a monster deserves redemption, and if a grave is all I can offer, Jared, that ’ s what I ’ ll do.
“ Mila.” A deep voice sounds from behind me. “ Mila, stop!” The voice grows louder, but I can ’ t stop. Shit, I ’ ve only made a dent. I glance at Jared. How am I going to dig a hole deep enough to put him in?
Morning light covers the ground now. Oh…the night has passed, but the sins are still covering the ground. I look at Jared again. He doesn ’ t look like himself. He ’ s bloated and devoid of color now.
Hands grab me back, jerking me a few feet away from the body and my sad excuse for a grave. “ Fuck, Mila, stop. Please stop! Oh shit, your hands!”
I look at my bloody fingertips. “ I don ’ t feel anything.”
“ Mila,” The worried eyes of my friend hold mine.
“ Dominic,” I mutter.
He forces me to his chest as he hugs me. “ I ’ m sorry I wasn ’ t here earlier. I only got the call an hour ago and came as fast as I could,” he tells me as his arms squeeze me tighter. “ What were you thinking attending a Cleansing?” He pulls back to look me in the eye. “ You promised me you would never go to one.” He angrily snaps.
I swallow, my eyes finding Jared again. “ I have to bury him.
Dom follows my gaze and closes his eyes. “ They told me it was your dance partner. I ’ m sorry.”
“ Who told you?” A small seed of hope takes root in my chest. Was it Dash who called?
“ Some girl called me; she said her name was Avery. She told me what happened.”
I close my eyes, some of my hope sealing shut with it.
Dash really left me.
“ Come on.” Dom stands, lifting me with him.
“ No!” I declare in a panic. “ We have to bury him.”
Dom looks at me with pity. “ I ’ ll make sure he is buried.”
A swell of tears floods my eyes again. “ You promise.” Because a part of me died with Jared, and it needs to be buried too, Dominic.
“ I promise. I ’ ll always take care of you.”
I know you will. The problem is you are just another monster, Dom. After all, we are what we are raised to be.
I understand now, Dash. Sometimes, it ’ s too painful to be saved. It ’ s easier to fall, to damn yourself. That kind of suffering is less painful than showing others you care.
The men in my world view love as an object, but it ’ s not something strong and fierce that can protect you. To them, love is as flimsy as a thin piece of paper.
Dom holds his love for me dear. He cradles it like a secret note hidden in his palm, wanting to tuck me away and keep me safe in his pocket.
But to Dash, our love is as insignificant as a sheet of plain paper—useful but easily discarded when necessary.
Dash folded our love, held onto it for a time in case he needed to use it. But as the paper became bent, wrinkled, and worn with too many of his secrets, he tore it in half and tossed it aside, ensuring no one else could use it again.
He reminded me that in his eyes, love is just paper thin.
Do you want to know how I view our paper thin love, Dash?
I still view it as a thin sheet of paper. But there was a difference.
Sure, it started as fragile paper—it was a deal of convenience and survival after all—but love stories can also be written on paper, no matter how thin or strong that thin sheet is.
That ’ s the difference.
We could have told a tale of undying love; we could have taken that delicate, precious, thin paper and bound it in a book, ensuring it remained safe and treasured.
We could have written about so many things…
Instead, it will hold nothing but shredded memories.