Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
ELLIOT
S he’s sleeping in my arms—again.
I promised myself I would stay away but here I am.
This has to stop, McPhee.
But how can I stop it when all I can think of is Fern?
Her voice, her body, her presence.
It’s been impossible not to think of her since the night of the gala when she became mine.
Mine.
I shouldn’t think of her like that.
I can’t claim her or give her much, but if I could, I would do it in a heartbeat.
This should be the last time we’re together.
I just don’t know how I’ll control the craving for her voice, mouth, and body.
It might be like any addiction. I’ll have to take it one day at a time. And how can I do that when earlier she did what many haven’t done—or even tried. She soothed my pain and made me feel like myself.
It wasn’t just the lovemaking but her words, her tears, the beating of her heart.
Instead of flushing her out of my system, I want her even more than I did while I was inside of her, filling her with my soul.
Move away, McPhee, before you try to claim her for an eternity.
I kiss the top of Fern’s head and leave the bed.
What is it about her that keeps me coming back? The question hits me again as I shut the drapes and cover her with another blanket. When I close the door, I feel it, the pull that brings me back to her repeatedly. It’s telling me to go back, hold her, claim her.
Be hers, says some unknown whisper.
While I was out of town, I had a hard time breathing. It was almost impossible not to think of her or think of her as mine. I wasn’t expecting her or the way my heart goes wild when she’s around.
Fern is unexpected, exhilarating, and avoiding her isn’t just draining but impossible. I should search for a project that’ll last a lifetime. Maybe that’ll keep me far enough from her.
I’ll flush her from my system. We’ll stay in the house for the weekend, and then I’ll be in another country.
Is that just another empty promise?
I’m good at delivering those. Mom, Dahlia, and my nieces could attest to it if they were still alive. Is Fern right? Do I need to forgive myself? Would they?
When I get to the kitchen, my phone rings. It’s Lysander. Did they destroy my yacht? Not that I’d care as long as everyone is safe.
“Yes?”
“How’s Fern?”
“Sleeping,” I respond.
“You’re still at her place?”
“No. I brought her to mine, so I can keep an eye on her while you’re gone over the weekend. It’s easier since she can’t kick me out.”
He groans. “She’s too stubborn. I don’t see her staying just because you say so.”
“I noticed.”
“Thank you for helping us this weekend with the yacht, the birthday, and mostly our Fern. She’s not easy to take care of. Things have to be too hard for her to come home and say, ‘Okay, can you look after me while I figure out how to solve this?’”
This confirms my fears. She doesn’t let anyone in, and those in her circle must remain within the perimeter. How can I get inside and be a part of it?
She’s not that much different from you. That’s exactly how you treat everyone, even your family and friends. And maybe there’s my answer, if she’s like me, I can just?—
Stop. You’re going to stay away from her. That’s the end of the story.
“I feel like we owe you a lot. If you ever need anything, a kidney, a ride to the airport, or someone to look after your boat, I’m here.”
I can’t help but laugh. “You’re so accommodating.”
“That’s me, the best of the Spearman family. Call if Ferny needs us.”
“I will. I’ll text you Blake’s number. If you need any help with the yacht, contact him—I won’t be reachable this weekend.”
Fuck, where did that come from? I hope he doesn’t think that… but will it be a problem if they figure out that their sister and I have been more than friendly?
After hanging up, I head to the terrace with a pad and a pencil. If I go surfing, I might not see Fern. She’ll have plenty of time to leave.
Why would I care?
My head spins uncontrollably. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing. When Gatsby called asking for the yacht, I was astonished by the question. How did they know? Fitzhenry fucking Everhart. I swear he needs to sign an ironclad NDA and shut his fucking mouth.
Mentally, I follow the trail that leads them to my yacht.
Fitz’s fiancé is Caspian’s agent. That’s one of the reasons they were at Maia and Gatz’s wedding because Lang is friends with them.
They were at the gala too. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the Spearmans knows Hazel. The world is too small.
There’s another mistake I made. I could’ve just lent them the yacht when they called me. But I didn’t want to miss the chance to see Fern one last time.
It’s too fucking hard to stay away from her.
Try harder before things get too complicated.