Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
ELLIOT
I spend some time drawing—her face, her body, the ocean.
All the things that keep me grounded. I understand the ocean, I don’t understand why Fern. The moment I saw her some force pushed me toward her. And now…
She’s like an adventure.
A scary, frightening, new experience that I instinctively want to avoid but I have to enjoy.
She’s heard my stories, probably seen my imperfections, and she didn’t reject me.
Drawing her the way my soul sees her is so easy.
I can almost close my eyes and just trace every line, curve, and scar that defines her.
I feel crazy as I can’t stop thinking about her, while I plan ways of making sure I never see her again.
It’s like she’s that special thing I never thought would come into my life and now I have no idea how to act around her…
or how to keep her the fuck away from me, because maybe I don’t deserve someone like Fern.
It’s not until I hear her voice that I stop drawing and close the sketchpad. “You have this weird habit of leaving people without saying goodbye.”
“I’m always here.” I dare to look at her and almost gasp at her beauty.
Fern is gorgeous, but today she looks radiant. A tempting and impossible combination. “You’re beautiful.”
She rolls her eyes. “I assume cuddling isn’t a thing for you?” she almost snarks and doesn’t acknowledge my compliment.
I smirk as I realize that she hates when people compliment her. It’s endearing and maybe I’ll shower her with them until she enjoys them. Or I can just cuddle.
I can’t explain to her why I try to be cold—not that I’m successful at it. If I could, I would spend hours cuddling. I just fight it because what if she becomes the only thing I need to breathe?
“If I promise to cuddle the next time, will you forgive me?”
She leans against the doorframe and stares at the ocean. “There’s going to be a next time ?”
The answer should be no, but we have the weekend so why not take advantage of it?
Before I can answer, she’s running back to the house. I follow behind and find her over the kitchen sink, puking, again. I hold her hair with one hand and grab my phone with the other. She heaves several times. I kiss her neck, her shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
When she’s done, she asks, “Do you have a toothbrush I can use?”
“Upstairs in the master suite’s bathroom. There are new ones in the linen closet,” I say while rinsing the sink.
She almost runs and instead of following her, I call Blake immediately. “Hey, I need a doctor.”
“A doctor?” Blake asks on the other line. “Where?”
I was trying so hard to avoid this conversation. Earlier, when I called the management company to stock the house, I asked them to be discreet.
After a long silence, I mumble, “The new house in Santa Cruz.”
He scoffs. “Are you surfing without us again?”
“It was an impromptu trip.”
“That, or you’re entertaining the Spearman sister while everyone else is on the boat. You’re a sneaky asshole.” There’s a mischievous tone in his voice that I choose to ignore.
“Doctor, please.”
“I’ll find you someone, sit tight.”
“Thank you.”
Before I hang up, I hear him say, “But don’t think this conversation is over.”
“What do you need a doctor for?” Fern asks.
I want to say, one problem at a time , but I don’t. “Because you’re sick.”
The way she glares at me, anyone would think that I’m proposing to kill a puppy. “You didn’t have to call a doctor. This is going to last a few more hours.”
“It shouldn’t. Motion sickness doesn’t work that way. You weren’t on the yacht for more than an hour.”
She crosses her arms. “How do you know?”
“I didn’t let anyone in until then,” I answer, knowing the questions will pour like a cascade in the middle of spring.
“It’s yours, isn’t it?”
I arch an eyebrow, confused by her statement.
“The yacht is yours,” she says.
“The company’s,” I redirect, maybe she’ll let it go.
But I’m not that lucky. “North Bay has a yacht? Why would you need one unless you built it, and you don’t build boats?”
“Magic Kings owns it.”
“Why?”
I almost glare at her. “When you have children, they’re all going to be like you. Inquisitive and tenacious. I can’t wait to see how you’ll manage them.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“We were going to introduce bachelor or bachelorette parties on a yacht. It seemed like a great idea until trying to get the required licenses made it almost impossible. The yacht is now a family share. Though the master suite is mine, since it was my idea.”
She finally grins. “Is that why you offered me a lap dance?”
“You still remember.”
“As a matter of fact, I do. I might cash in on it.”
I wink at her, pulling her close to me and kissing her hard. “I’m available. Choose the day and time.”
She doesn’t react. Anyone else would’ve melted. Not her. “When are you leaving for your next volunteer job?”
“After Cassy gives birth to baby number six,” I answer and look at her scared face. As if answering her silent question, I say, “She always wanted to have a big family, like the one we had while growing up.”
“And you?”
That’s a loaded question. When I was with Hazel, I wanted to make her happy. She wanted a big family. As big as mine. I wanted to make her happy and I would’ve had as many children as she wanted. Now… I don’t know.
There are a lot of things that I didn’t know when I was a teenager.
Hazel’s happiness felt like my responsibility.
Ever since I can remember, I devoted my life to her until she didn’t need me.
I felt lost without that anchor. It wasn’t her love that was keeping me grounded but the sense of responsibility. I lived like that for years.
I hate to admit that everyone is right, I don’t love her anymore. What I lost wasn’t her, it was me. The kid who only knew how to make that one person happy.
It’s strange to say I don’t know what I want when I’m in my forties, but it’s the truth. I’m finally accepting it.
Do I want a wife, children, a home? I stare at Fern. Since I saw her, I’ve had a feeling about her. It’s not just her beauty, her elegance, and softness. It’s like there’s something about her that’s worth knowing—even loving.
But can I be enough for someone like her?
“I am a proud uncle,” I finally answer. It’s the safest thing to say for now.
“You’re never settling?”
“That’s the thing, I don’t want to just settle. It’d be unfair to be with someone when I can’t offer them anything at all. Would you be with a man who can’t love you?”
Those are partial lies, half-truths. A way to deflect the turmoil happening in my head and my heart.
I can’t tell her that she’s creating havoc and yet, I can’t still offer shit.
If I ever do, I want to be sure. Today I’d just hand her some meaningless promise that might break us. I don’t want to hurt her, ever.
“No. I guess that’s why I’m single. I want what Mom had with Dad or what my brothers have with my sisters-in-law.”
Unconditional, eternal love. It’s almost impossible to find it, but could we make it happen?
My heart thumps fast, as if it’s trying to speak, but I don’t let it. It’s safer to use my head. At least for now.
“You’ll find him.” I swallow the big knot forming in my throat.
The lies can’t flow as easy as I need them to, but I have to say them.
“A man who’ll love you for who you are. You’re not only beautiful but smart, confident, and successful.
Also loving. I’ve never seen someone who cares so much about her family and the world. ”
She gives me a sad smile that I don’t like.“I’m not perfect.”
I wink at her. “And all those flaws are exactly what make you just you. They better adore you for them.”
Her eyes fill with moisture and I’m afraid she’s going to cry again. I want to ask her if I said something wrong or if there’s something that’s hurting her, but that’s when the doorbell rings. I check on the app and see a woman standing next to the main door.
“How can I help you?”
“I’m Dr. Ruth Bernstein.”
Fern glares at me. “I don’t need a doctor.”
“Humor me.”