35. CHAPTER 35
T he first thing I'm gonna do as soon as we get to my apartment is burn that damn Letterman jacket.
And it's not because I want to destroy the constant reminder of my betrayal.
It's because seeing another man's name every time I look at my boyfriend, does weird, primal, possessive shit to me.
I know it's his brother just as much as my hormones don't give a fuck. But logic be damned.
"You brought the guns!"
I look up from where I'm squatting in front of our newly built fire and see Jin step out from the back of the truck holding one. He checks that it's not loaded then lifts it into position and brings his eye to the sight. "You're sounding a little too bloodthirsty."
With the rifle still in position, he tilts his head towards me. "Did we not come here to kill things?"
"I wonder what your mother would think."
"Do you really care?"
"No." I stand and walk the four yards it takes to get to him. Taking the gun from Jin, I lay it back inside the truck bed. "I thought you liked fish better?"
"I do…when it's not trout," he grins, and pulls himself up to sit on the tailgate.
"So am I gonna be in the doghouse if we can't catch anything else?"
"That depends."
"On what?"
"If we can find a turkey."
"I haven't seen a single one all winter."
"Maybe you haven't been looking in the right places."
"And maybe we should be on the ice getting set up."
"Hey." Jin jumps back down, all excited, and cute, and incorrigible. "Why don't you go fishing, and I'll go hunting?"
"No." I immediately turn my back on him and walk to the fire. "We're gonna spend the day together ."
"I won't be gone the whole time. Just let me go for an hour."
"We can go hunting tomorrow."
"We were just talking about there being no turkeys near the cabin."
I pick up the camping chairs, shovel, and axe, and start walking towards the lake. "It won't be at the cabin."
"Are we coming back tomorrow?"
"I didn't say that." Stopping two feet onto the ice, I look back in time to see Jin's eyes light up. "You didn't find everything I packed, did you?"
I watch Jin duck behind the truck then reemerge. "There's no tent."
"Don't need one." I start walking and jerk my head for him to follow. "Grab the thermos, rods, and tackle, and get your ass out here."
"What are we—wait!" I can hear Jin clambering to grab everything as quickly as possible so he can catch up to me, and my smile gets bigger the closer I hear his footsteps in the crunchy snow. "Are we gonna sleep in the back of the truck?"
"If that's okay with you."
"S–sure. Of course. Have you done that before?"
I stop at a spot about twenty yards from where we were last time and put down the axe and shovel. After unfolding each of the chairs, I pick the shovel back up. With a nod I tell him, "Yeah, I have," then start digging away at the snow. "Do you not like the idea?"
"No. That's not it."
After several more scoops of snow, I pick up the axe. "Then why do you sound so apprehensive?"
"I'm not. Not really. I'm excited."
"So what's the problem?" I nod towards all the stuff he's still carrying. "You can put those down."
"There isn't a problem." He puts the thermos and tacklebox on one of the chairs and leans the poles against it. "But won't it be a little uncomfortable out here?"
I kneel down and raise the axe above my shoulder. "It shouldn't be," I tell him then bring it down into the ice. "The buck hides in there are for underneath the blow-up mattress."
"Blow-up mattress?"
"Yeah. There's a pump for it."
"And where exactly were those spare buck hides I've never seen before today?"
"In boxes in the rafters of the shed."
"Are you serious?"
I stop and have to raise my arm to shade my eyes from how bright it is when I look up at him. "It's not my fault you didn't snoop well enough."
"Are you serious?" he repeats.
"Yeah. There's a battery and heated blanket in the back, too."
"Are you fucking serious!?"
"What?" I chuckle as I'm pushed backwards into the snow. I try to get up but Jin pushes me harder, sits on me, and holds my shoulders down.
"You mean the entire time I was freezing my ass off in that damn shack, you had a heated blanket I could have been using?"
"It's been in the truck the whole time."
" Rrrgh. My god. Hmph. You're the fucking worst."
I push Jin off of me so we're both lying in the snow, our eyes squinting in the sun. "If I'd handed it over back then, I would have been giving in. And I wasn't ready to face everything yet."
"Oh, come on."
"You should probably be thanking me for it. Surely it would have felt like cheating if you didn't have to suffer as much as you did."
He sits up and pounds his fist into my stomach. "Don't you dare start with that gaslighting bullshit."
"I'm not gaslighting anyone," I laugh, and pull him down to me. "I know I was a grade A asshole."
"You're unbelievable."
"I know." I quickly peck him on the lips. "Now, why don't you pour us a coffee and I'll get these holes dug?"
Jin removes my hand from the back of his neck and stands over me. "You don't deserve it."
"Then why don't you have the coffee and watch me make the holes?"
Jin puts one foot on my chest. "I'm going to get my book, sit by the fire, and not do a damn thing until there's a fish on one of those hooks."
I give Jin an aye-aye captain salute, and the second I'm done he steps over me, grabs one of the chairs, then heads back to the truck. And I don't move. I just listen to his footsteps getting softer and softer until I hear the truck door open.
Reaching for the axe, I start hacking away at the ice again.
When the second hole is finished, I set up the poles and move the camping chair in between them. Sitting down, I take the thermos and pour myself a cup. It's bitter, not hot enough, and I'll never get used to how bad it tastes without brown sugar.
Leaning back, I look over at Jin.
He's got an old crochet blanket over his legs, and he looks snug, and comfortable, and happy in his little spite bubble.
"How's the book?" I call out to him.
"It's the worst one yet."
"Can you tell that much after one chapter?"
"I knew after the first page."
"So put it down and come back and talk to me."
"Pass." He turns the page.
I smile to myself and take another drink.
At first, I thought I was convincing myself that I was happy because it just didn't seem possible. But every day my heart and my brain argue less and less over what I deserve, because this really is the most content, and selfless, I've ever felt in my life.
The Eden of only a few months ago would never have put up with this.
And why not? It's not like Jin's reaction isn't warranted.
It's completely justified. But having my flaws spat back in my face has always dredged up the same hurt I felt whenever Mom would bring home another boyfriend and lock me in my room.
It was my fault they always ended up leaving.
It was my fault she couldn't find someone to love her.
And when I still lived with Brian, it was my fault there was always tension in the house.
Everything has always been my fault, so why not embrace it?
Being angry was easy.
But I'm not an animal. I am able to learn from my mistakes. And Jintae is teaching me every day that letting things go actually feels pretty great, and frees up so much room for all the mushy, disgusting, good stuff.
"I love you."
"I love you, too," he says without hesitation. But still dedicated to his act, he doesn't lift his head from the book.
"You look sexy."
"You look cold."
"I'll catch you ten whitefish."
"I'll shoot you a turkey."
"I'll grill you fish for dinner."
"I'll bring you some sugar." Jin stands, walks to the back of the truck and the chest full of supplies.
After he's put the sugar in my coffee, he sits on my lap and drapes the old crochet blanket over the both of us.
I swallow down the rest of the cold coffee then wrap my arms around him. "Wouldn't you rather be back by the fire?"
"Nah. I'm warmer here."
"You sure?"
"I'm always warmer wherever you are."
"Same." I squeeze him tight and rub my nose into his beanie. Which is my beanie—the one I gave him to wear the night we first ate outside. "I wish we still had gochujang."
"I'm gonna buy it in bulk so we never run out again."
"And I'll make sure we're fully stocked with olive oil."
"Is your apartment carpeted?"
"Only the bedrooms."
"New apartment rule; no olive oil in the bedrooms."
"Are you trying to tell me what I can and can't do in my own home?"
"I sure am, because you can't control yourself."
"But that's your fault. When I've got you this close, it's hard not to—"
Jin sits up quickly. "I think you've caught something."
"It's only been ten minutes." I tap his thighs so he moves then reach for the pole. "Oh shit."
"It must be dying to get eaten," he says in the cheekiest, most sexy little voice.
"If you want those ten fish, you're gonna need to stop talking."
I watch him wrap his lips around his teeth as he throws the blanket over his shoulders and hugs it together at his chest. I smile at myself as the fish tugs on the line because that stupid jacket is covered up now.
It's the small victory of a battle Jin didn't even know he was fighting, and I should probably be embarrassed about how good it makes me feel.
But I don't. Because when it comes to Jintae, I don't give two flying fucks about how stupid I look.