Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Frankie
Finch looked exhausted, dark purple bags under her eyes, that kind of zombified glaze over her slow movements. She trudged down the hallway from the first room, and I knew it was Cranky she was worried about. I refused to ask aloud. It felt like saying Macbeth in a theater, but I was starting to wonder if the little chick wouldn’t pull through. It hurt to even think about after all the hard work that had been poured into her survival. I couldn’t imagine how Finch did it day in and day out.
I hoped today would be the levity Finch needed. Some sunshine and sea air and my famous picnic spread would do her good.
As Finch reached for her lab coat, I stayed her arm with a gentle touch. “You won’t be needing that today,” I said, trying to contain my smile.
It took her tired brain a second to catch up. “Huh? Why?”
“You’re taking the day off!” I excitedly announced, flourishing jazz hands. “Well, we both are. I’ve packed us a picnic lunch, and we’re going to this private beach by the Holloways’, Hannah organized that for us, and then I’m taking you to?—”
“What?” Finch’s eyes were searching her calendar behind me, her voice sounding like she was underwater. “I can’t take today off. I have Jailbreak’s procedure and?—”
“We rescheduled it.”
Her bloodshot eyes dropped to me and my gut plummeted. “Who’s we?”
“Heron said it would be okay if we moved it to tomorrow,” I offered tentatively, shrinking an inch at her glare. Had I just gotten Heron in trouble?
“And what about the procedures I have tomorrow?” she grumbled, leaning against the whiteboard as if she were too tired to stand. She folded her arms, her stare piercing. “Are we pushing those back too?”
“Your siblings said they could take on some of the work.” My voice was laced with nerves.
“So now you’re mounding more work on my siblings?”
“It’s not like that. I . . .” I thought this was going to be a sweet gesture, now Finch was looking at me like I’d ruined her life. “Your mom said that it would be okay?”
“You should’ve asked me ,” she fumed. “I would’ve told you no.”
“But I wanted it to be a surprise.”
The muscle on her jaw popped out, and I could tell she was trying to contain her anger. “I don’t like surprises. Not when it comes to my job.”
“It’s just one day.”
“It is not one day!” she erupted, balling her fists like she might punch a hole in the wall. “This is my life! You’re fucking with my life .”
I inched away from her, my eyes flaring at her outburst. “I’m sorry. I thought?—”
“You thought wrong,” she cut in, seething. She rubbed her red-ringed eyes. “You don’t know me, Frankie. You’ve gotten too comfortable with this little game.”
“Game?”
“It’s all pretend! That’s what we agreed, isn’t it?” Finch shouted. “You are not my girlfriend. You have no right to do this.”
“I’m your friend at least?—”
“You mean nothing to me.”
I stumbled a step backward. Her words stung worse than being slapped in the face.
“I see.” I set the basket of her favorite foods down, trying not to cry but being unable to stop the welling of tears. “Here I was thinking we might be friends after everything we’ve been through. But if you want to pretend we’re no more than strangers, then fine. I guess we’re nothing to each other. My mistake.”
“Frankie.” Finch reached for me, but I side-stepped her and stormed down the hall. “I’m sorry. I’m delirious. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“You meant it exactly like that,” I spat.
“Goldilocks, please,” Finch called as she rushed after me.
I spun and pointed a finger at her, choking on my words. “ Don’t call me that.” I turned and kept moving, letting the fire door slam between us and forcing Finch to shove it open again.
“I’m just tired and I snapped and—where are you going?”
“I won’t keep fucking with your life , Finch,” I said, heading toward the stairwell. “The roof at the Salty Dog has some temporary patchwork on it now. I’d rather sleep under a tarp than live with someone who fucks me then treats me like a meaningless stranger.”
Finch grabbed my wrist and I whirled on her, ripping my hand from her grip. “You’re not a meaningless stranger to me.”
“I mean nothing to you.” My voice broke. “Even casual hookups mean something to each other, even when it’s only friendly fun. But that’s not ever what this was between us, was it?”
“I . . . We . . .” Finch shook her head, reaching out to wipe my tears, and I took another step out of her reach. I could see in her eyes that she felt it too, that there was something more between us, something we’d both avoided acknowledging. Or there had been for however brief a moment. But I knew Finch would never admit it because whether it had been real or not, she never wanted it to be.
“You’re right,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes. “I overstepped and I’m sorry. I’ll get out of your way.”
I started climbing the stairs.
“Frankie, please! I don’t want to lose you.”
My blood boiled as I stopped on the second step, gaining a couple inches of height on Finch. “You never had me,” I hissed. “Why do you care about losing someone who means nothing to you?”
“I didn’t mean it like that?—”
“You never wanted me to be yours.”
“I can’t,” Finch rasped, emotion constricting her throat. “I can’t care about you. I can’t have relationships and this job. Look at me!” She waved a hand across her exhausted body and up to her bloodshot eyes. “I’m falling apart. Who would want someone like me?”
“I would,” I said, a tear slipping down my cheek. Finch’s eyes bracketed with pain, and I wondered if she knew she was breaking her own heart right now just as much as she was breaking mine. Did she even know that she cared? Or were her lies so convincing even to herself? “What do you want, Finch?”
It took her a long moment to answer, and the whole time I silently begged: please, please, please say me. Just say me. It’s all so close, within reach. You just have to say me.
But when she rubbed a hand across her forehead, Finch said, “I want to be good at my job and I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Too late.” I turned and kept climbing the stairs.
“Frankie,” Finch called after me. “I don’t want you to go.”
“You don’t know what you want!” I shouted back, finally allowing my anger to match her own as I stormed up the stairs. “But you’ve made it very clear that it’s not me.”
Finch’s radio scratched to life from the waistband of her pants. “Carnivores to Vet team.”
Finch took a step toward me, as if she might ignore it and follow me, but then stopped herself. Growling, she answered her radio. “Vet team, go ahead.”
I jogged up the rest of the stairs and out of sight but could still hear the conversation echoing up behind me.
Hannah jumped in. “Finch is off for the day, Hawk,” she reminded him.
“No. I’m not,” Finch cut in, and more hot tears streaked down my cheeks. “I’m here and I’d appreciate if you’d all stop fucking up my schedule.”
I winced as Evelyn jumped on. “Language, Goldfinch. And you’re off roster for the day. Go have fun.”
I grabbed my things and hastily tossed them into my suitcase, uncaring if everything broke and got covered in lotion and toothpaste in my haste. In less than a minute, all of my belongings were in my bags and I began dragging them out of the bedroom.
“I’m not off roster,” Finch said, her voice growing louder again as I descended the stairs. “Heron, I’m coming up with the endoscope. Get Jailbreak in the crush.”
“But you’re going to the beach with Frankie?” Heron asked, and more tears poured. I angrily wiped my sleeves over my eyes before I turned the corner.
Rolling my suitcase past Finch, I snatched the radio from her hands. “No, she’s not,” I said, proud I didn’t sound like I’d been crying. “It was my mistake. I messed up our plans. Sorry, everyone.” I passed the radio back to Finch, and she looked at me with bleary eyes, a confused look on her face. “I’m not going to put you in shit with your family just because you’re being an asshole,” I said and kept walking.
“Let me drive you to the Salty Dog at least,” Finch called, her fingers grazing my arm and falling away.
“You’ve got a zebra waiting,” I called over my shoulder with a wave, even as my heart was breaking. “I’m not your girlfriend, Finch. You don’t owe me anything. Now go deal with Jailbreak then take a fucking nap.”
She didn’t reply, and I stormed out the back door as more tears streamed down my cheeks. I thought I’d known what it felt like with Jake, but I had no clue. This feeling of shattering into a million pieces as I walked away. This was what it felt like to have my heart broken. And I had no one to blame but myself.