Chapter 12
TWELVE
PRESENT
Darla started the vibrating device, and I teleported back to middle school.
I refused to go back home until Andrés was gone or my mom came back. I was still so scared to step into my home. My mom finally came to Shawn’s to pick me up after I had been staying there for a month. “You believe me, don't you?”
“I believe you,” she said. I released a breath, relieved. “Andrés won’t be around anymore, and we’re moving.”
A scowl formed on my face, knowing my mom didn’t believe me at all.
The world around me slowed. I was elated my mom believed me and was taking action, but the thought of moving away from Shawn and his family was devastating.
He was my first true friend, and he went out of his way to make me feel safe the past month.
But this had always been life with my mom.
We'd pack up the second life became tough.
We headed up north. Once settled, I texted Shawn, sent letters, and tried to call, but there was radio silence. Did something happen to him?
And there I was, completely alone again.
I received a letter from my other best friend, Emma, explaining how she and Shawn had started dating.
I was surprised because she knew how strong my feelings for him were.
I wasn’t mad at them, though; I painstakingly missed him.
I sank to the floor with the letter clutched to my chest as I began to sob.
The tears began to fall as the emotions of my thirteen-year-old self threatened to overwhelm me.
“I’m going to pause the vibrations. What came up for you?” Darla asked. “I’m sorry this has brought up some negative emotions,” she said, handing me a tissue box.
I took a minute to compose myself before relaying the memory to Darla.
“Although we will want to break down the relationship with your mom and Andrés, let's focus on your friendship with Shawn. Do you understand Shawn's lack of correspondence wasn't because of anything you did?”
Did I understand that? Or did I still think I was too much for him, and that's why he disappeared? Emma is now my soul sister, but did I hold resentment toward them at the time for pushing me away when I needed them most?
“Honestly, I don’t know,” I replied.
“That’s okay. That’s why we’re here. Think about that when we start again and see what comes up.”
“Okay, I’m ready again.” I was determined to get past this first instance of abandonment.
I didn’t make any new friends at my new school.
I would sit in a corner in the courtyard during lunch and go from class to class like a ghost. I gave up trying because I was a shell of a person.
My mom was still traveling on and off, I hadn’t heard from Shawn, and I obsessively looked over my shoulder when by myself.
I spent the entirety of my thirteenth year mostly alone.
One day during the summer, my mom came home and said we were moving back. We moved into the same neighborhood where Shawn lived.
My face heated as a mist formed at my hairline. The prison disguised as a home made an appearance.
I didn’t tell anyone I was coming back I didn’t have anyone to tell anymore. I spent the last year isolated and hardly ever had my phone on anymore.
The first day of freshman year at the school my previous best friends attended made me feel out of sorts.
What were the chances I'd even see Shawn and Emma? I didn’t even know if they were still together.
I walked into my first class of freshman year, and Jacob was there. He immediately recognized me.
I took a deep swallow, preparing to see myself talk to an old friend about Shawn.
“Serenity, you’re back! Do Shawn and Emma know? They didn’t say anything, those jerks. Come sit by me.” He waved me over to the back right corner of the classroom.
I froze, unsure how much to divulge. I wasn’t sure if they were all still close. “They don’t know I’m back. We fell out of touch when I moved. I think they were focused more on each other once they started dating.” I shrugged, taking out my planner and settling in.
“They didn’t really last all that long anyway.
I think they were both lonely after you left, and one thing led to another.
Let me see your schedule. I’ll see if you have any classes with the crew.
” The crew, I thought. It had felt like an eternity since I’d been part of their friend group.
Jacob seemed so willing to let me back in with open arms, but how will Shawn and Emma really be, I wondered.
I handed him my schedule. “Wow,” he said.
“What?” I asked nervously.
“You have almost the exact schedule as Shawn, except for this class. So, if you aren’t ready to see him, you might need to start getting ready because you’re going to see him in fifty minutes.”
I let out a sigh. How could he disappear from me after everything happened? He couldn’t even send one letter, one text, or answer one phone call. I wanted to know why. Maybe it was all too much for him, or I was too much for him.
I spaced out during that first period, imagining what to say to Shawn when I saw him again. Did I need to say anything? Could we be friends again? Could I even forgive him?
The thought went completely out the window when he appeared in the hallway outside of class. Jacob must have warned him I was there, because he seemed to be looking for someone. When our eyes met, it was like no time had passed at all.
I squeezed the tappers tight, breathing increased as the image of Shawn circles around my mind. I wanted to give up. I wanted to release the tappers and walk out the door.
He ran to me with the biggest grin. “You’re actually here. I thought Jacob was fucking with me. I missed you so much.” He hugged me, and because of his apparent growth spurt, he was able to pick me up and spin me around. I caught myself laughing.
“I missed you, too.” I looked at him and smiled so he wouldn’t see how upset I truly still was. I trusted him. He made me feel safe. But he ran away just like my mom always did.
My hands shook and became clammy. I raised my right hand tentatively. “Can we stop?” I asked Darla as I came out of my reverie.
“Of course,” she said, pausing the device.
I relayed the memory the best I could, holding back a sob.
“You had a strong connection with him, and when he acted in ways you weren’t expecting, you felt abandoned. And unfortunately, he didn’t make the connection.”
I nodded my head.
“How does the teenage version of yourself perceive herself?”
The overwhelming feeling of wanting to be loved and accepted overcame me. “I see her as begging for a love she thinks she deserves but doesn’t know how to ask for it.”
“I’d like to try something,” she said. “I want your adult self to go in and talk to your teenage self. I want to ensure she understands her value is not tied to miscommunication from this boy she liked.”
I hesitated as I thought about what my teenage self needed to hear.
“Okay, I can do that.” I closed my eyes, picturing my adult self talking to my younger self, which was awkward at first. “You deserve better,” I told myself.
It was almost as if I was talking into a void.
The pain in my stomach remained, so I continued to repeat it until I started actually believing it.
The gut-wrenching pain started to subside.
“Do you need more time?” Darla asked.
“No, I’m good,” I reassured.
“How are you feeling overall?”
I took a deep breath. “That was hard. I didn’t realize thinking back to that time in my life would evoke so many negative emotions, but I’m proud of myself for entering a space I’ve avoided.”
Darla gave me a small smile. “The more we break down the feelings those memories bring, the easier it will be to control some of the negative emotions associated with them. There is some abandonment trauma I want us to continue to break down. Would you like to pause for today and run through some relaxation techniques?”
“Yes, please,” I responded. My hands trembled as I handed her the tappers.
We did some visualization of my safe space and ended with some breathing exercises. We agreed to meet again next week at the same time.
I drove home in silence, my body growing heavy. The image of facing Shawn again filled my mind with dread and overwhelming exhaustion.
When I made it home, I walked inside slowly, hoping Emma wasn’t around because I didn’t have the energy to talk.
Once in my room, I robotically opened my dresser to change my clothes.
I threw on a long sleep shirt and crawled into bed.
I brought my knees to my chest in a fetal position and silently cried.
At first, all I could picture was Shawn’s bright smile, which used to bring me back to life.
But then I remembered where the memory started.
My mom said she believed me… I didn’t understand how she could so easily lie to her teenage daughter.
I stayed in bed, sleeping or crying, until the next afternoon.
I hadn’t even looked at my phone, which initially made me think of Grant.
We’ve talked every night while he’s been traveling, so he might be worried.
When I reached for my phone, I found it dead.
I didn’t have the energy to find a charger.
I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. I should be strong enough to pull myself together and not waste away my days in bed. I wasn’t going to give up. I had a long road of healing ahead of me.