Chapter 13
THIRTEEN
Isat on my window seat trying to read, but became distracted by my racing thoughts.
I stared out the window in contemplation as Andrés pulled into the driveway.
I watched my mom run out to greet him with the widest grin, making me feel instantly ill.
A few months into our move back, my mom had Andrés move back in with us.
I yelled at her when I first found out, hoping she’d listen.
She didn’t. My mom was the one person whose job it was to keep me safe, and she once again chose herself over her own child.
Betrayed didn’t even scratch the surface of how I felt.
At first, Andrés left me alone. But one day, when we were the only ones home, he cornered me. “I heard you spreading some pretty nasty stuff about me to your mom. A nice girl like you should know not to lie, right?” he asked through gritted teeth.
I said nothing in return, shaking with anxiety.
Later that night, I dreamt of Andrés sitting in the corner of my room watching me.
He soon approached my bed and sat at the edge.
He slowly crept closer to me until his body was touching mine, hovering over my face.
His eyes roamed lower toward my body, and he inched my blanket down methodically, inch by inch.
My body—with only my Winnie the Pooh nightgown—was exposed.
His fingertips grazed areas of my body no one else had been near before.
I tried shaking my head no, attempting to scream out.
I tried to wake myself up, but I was stuck in the nightmare. The dream went black, and I shot straight up, breathing heavily. It felt almost too real to be a dream. Was it real?
I pulled my knees to my chest and rocked myself back and forth while I cried.
I eventually rose from my bed to frantically check if my door was still locked, and it wasn’t.
I wasn't dreaming at all. I quickly locked the door and ran to my bathroom. I splashed water on my face and stared at myself in the mirror. I didn’t see the same girl looking back at me, fear overtook my expression.
I tore off my clothes and jumped into the shower. I turned the knob to the hottest setting, scrubbing desperately to erase the feeling of his hands on my skin. I stayed in the shower until the hot water turned cold.
I finally stepped out and wrapped myself in a towel before heading back into my room. I sat on my bed, deciding if I should even go to school. The alternative would be staying home with him, so I stood up to get dressed.
I hesitated heading downstairs, hoping I wouldn’t run into him. I almost made it to the front door when he came out of the kitchen.
“You’re leaving awfully early. Did you sleep okay?” he asked, but I turned the knob on the front door and left without responding. Before I even arrived at the bus stop, I heard my phone ding with an incoming message.
Unknown Number
Remember, nice girls don’t lie. We both care about your mom, so let’s make sure she stays happy and well.
The message had to be from Andrés. I wasn’t dreaming. I grew terrified about what more he might do to me, but also, was he threatening my mom? What did he mean by “well?” We may not have the best relationship, but I didn’t want anything to happen to her.
I went through the school day in a daze. I told everyone I was tired, but I knew Shawn wouldn't buy it.
“You’ve been a zombie today. Are you okay?” he asked as I sat next to him in the last hour of the day.
I took my notebook and pencil out of my backpack, preparing for class.
“I’ve been having nightmares.” I wasn’t technically lying.
I really thought I was dreaming, but I could see it all clearly now.
I was angry at myself for not waking up to stop it.
How could my mom allow him back into our lives?
I would rather have stayed depressed and alone instead of scared and violated.
“I hate when that happens.” I didn't have the energy to respond.
When school was over, I wanted to get in bed and stay there for a while. As I lay down, I realized I could rest peacefully since Andrés was at work.
I woke up with a jolt when I felt the breeze from the fan hit my body. I was uncovered like the night before. “Have a good nap?”
I snapped my head in the direction of where I heard Andrés. He sat in the same chair I had pictured him in when I thought I was dreaming last night. Had he touched me again?
“What…are you doing here?” I stammered over my words in fear.
“I’m checking on you. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you while your mom’s not here to help.
” He stood up from the chair and approached me.
He leaned down and whispered into my ear, “Your shower is all set when you’re ready.
” His mouth was so close to my ear, feeling the moisture coming off his lips, which caused my body to shiver.
He stood there watching me expectantly. My heart pounded in my ears. “I took a shower this morning,” I said as quietly as a mouse.
He clenched his jaw, a grimace forming on his lips. “You’ve been at school all day,” he said matter-of-factly. His entire face was red with irritation.
I swallowed down my fear and stood up from my bed, heading to the shower. I went to close the door behind me, but he blocked it.
“You don’t need to close the door. You could hurt yourself, and I’d need to be able to hear you to come help,” he said, shooting me a smile.
My lips quivered as I slowly removed my clothing.
I might throw up. I slid open my shower door and stepped inside.
As I turned, I watched his eyes roam down my body.
My whole body broke out in goosebumps, feeling cold even with the warm water sprinkling down on me.
I squeezed my eyes shut while I showered, unable to bear to see his eyes on me any longer.
Only two more days until my mom comes home.
My mom’s next trip had her gone for two weeks. Andrés visited me every night she was gone, and I said nothing. He grew more comfortable with ways he could violate me, and I pretended I was fine. I wasn’t.
My voice betrayed me when my screams were all in my head. The more I walked away, the more present he became. He was always there. He didn’t dare put a finger on me when I was conscious because he quickly realized how agreeable I was when I was half asleep.
He started lifting my nightgown, and when I didn’t try to stop him, he slid my underwear to the side.
I squeezed my legs together and even tried to move his head away when he brought his mouth to my skin.
His touch started freezing me in place. I closed my eyes and imagined being at school with my friends, away from the nightmares within my room.
I spent so much time in visions with my friends; I stopped protesting and let him do what he wanted.
Every night after he was done, he would whisper in my ear about how he had shown me love, and I could always feel the moisture from his lips and how they glided along my ear. I grew to hate the feeling of anything touching my ears. I even stopped wearing earrings and wore my hair away from my face.
I became a shell of the girl I once was. I spent every day in fear, wondering how far he’d go with me. I spent every night he would visit lying there, accepting his abuse, tarnishing the room I thought could be my escape. I couldn’t tell anyone without it getting back to my mom.
I dealt with the violation because it kept my mom safe.