Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
PRESENT
I’ve had some time to think about my first date with Serenity while I’ve been traveling for work.
I had conflicting feelings about experiencing a panic attack.
On one hand, I was embarrassed, but on the other, I felt relieved to show her a piece of me no one else has seen.
The longer I thought about it, though, the more I wondered if I was ready to date seriously.
I’ve suffered from panic attacks on and off through the years, but it hasn’t hit me in public in a long time.
I flashed back in time when I lost the last piece of my family.
Was it a sign I wasn't strong enough to allow a woman to see the darkness deeply embedded in my being? However, she was accepting and understanding, and that’s all I could ask for.
My connection with Serenity reached a part of my soul that I forgot existed. We'd text throughout the day and have long phone conversations at night before bed. I looked forward to those phone calls, so when she didn’t answer last night, I was bummed.
My thoughts spiraled, thinking she could be hurt.
I then remembered she had her first EMDR therapy session.
EMDR therapy was not made for the weak. If she was anything like me, she’d be overwhelmed.
Even though it sucked that we both had unresolved trauma still affecting us deeply, it made us understand each other better.
I knew she wasn’t my responsibility, but I have always made sure the people around me were happy and safe. I remember the years I took care of my family before so much changed. I didn’t want to come off as overbearing, but I didn’t know how else to be.
I’ll call her again tonight. I already missed her, and we talked yesterday mid-morning. I was worried about how her session affected her. I was too wrapped up in wanting to check on Serenity; I almost forgot what today was—I wish I did.
The grief threatened to swallow me whole. I wished I could go back and change how I reacted, letting the anger stay with me for far too long. I couldn’t let the grief take me under again.
I wanted to be okay when I talked to Serenity tonight.
I spent years healing, and most days I could see how far I’ve come, but some days it's as if it happened yesterday.
I wanted to warn Serenity I'd be out of sorts, just in case I did hear from her and didn't have the energy to be my usual flirty self.
Me
I’m sorry for bothering you again. I’ve been assuming your therapy was tough yesterday, and that’s why I haven’t heard from you.
Today is the anniversary of a really hard day for me, so I apologize in advance if I’m a little off, too.
I have a routine for tough days. I’ll work out, have my favorite food, and watch my favorite movie.
What’s your go-to on hard days? Hope to talk to you soon.
I sent the message even though I second-guessed myself the entire time, if I said too much, not enough, or if I hadn’t heard from her for an entirely different reason—like another guy. I couldn’t allow my thoughts to sabotage my chance with her.
I called Darla before I left for the gym. “Hi Grant, how are you coping today?”
“Better than expected. I forgot today was the anniversary until a little bit ago. I'm heading to the gym now to let go of some of the negative energy.” I put her on speaker as I finished getting ready.
“The gym is a good start, but I encourage you to journal any negative emotions you feel today, especially those aimed inwards regarding blaming yourself or thoughts of needing to do more. Can you do that?”
I paused for a moment. I knew after all this time I wasn't the one to blame, but I wished the years that followed didn't cause even more loss because I couldn't handle my emotions at the time.
I lost even more because of it. “I will.
It's still hard. There's so much I wish I could go back and change.”
“I want to remind you that you have lived through this day, even if some years were harder than others. You grow stronger every year. There will always be hard days, but you have the tools to get through them.”
“Thank you, Darla.”
“Take care of yourself, Grant.” We said our goodbyes and hung up.
As I drove to the gym, I told myself to think happy thoughts, but everything made me think of my past.
The songs on the radio.
The ads.
The families on the street.
I gripped the steering wheel so hard I lost circulation. I needed to run off the negative thoughts. I headed straight to the treadmill when I entered the gym.
Before I knew it, I had run five miles. I hadn’t run consecutively for long distances in quite some time. I ran until the feelings of dread and grief lessened.
I was excited to spend the rest of the day by myself in my hotel room. I'd pick up a banana milkshake on my drive home and then order a double pepperoni pizza.
I loved eating my dessert first.
When I returned to my hotel room, I grabbed my phone from my gym bag. I had an unopened text from Serenity. I was pleasantly surprised to get an equally long message back from her.
Serenity
I’m sorry if it seemed like I ghosted you. You were right, the first EMDR session was rough. I’m scared to continue because I spent the last thirty-six hours in bed rethinking those once-buried memories. And honestly, we didn’t even get to the actual bad stuff, so maybe I’m not strong enough.
It’s good to hear you have a plan for your day on the anniversary of what I’m assuming was a very bad day.
I need to take a page out of your book and create a routine to push me through hard days.
I’m still figuring myself out, but I wasn’t ghosting you.
If you’re up to it, do you want to talk on the phone tonight?
We can talk about our favorite depressive meal and movie.
I caught myself smiling. Honestly, hearing her whimsical voice would make the day much more bearable.
Me
She lives! If anyone is going to understand needing to disappear for a bit after a hard therapy session, it’s me.
You never need to apologize. I hope you are in better spirits.
I’m sorry you had a rough session, but remember, you are stronger than your trauma.
I would love to get back to our nightly phone call routine. Does 7 work?
Serenity
Talk to you then.
She sent a kissy face at the end of her last text.
I tried not to get too excited about it.
As much as I wished I didn’t have to be on a stupid three-week work trip, I was also grateful for the time we had to get to know each other.
I've learned so much about her during our talks.
She shared her amazing idea to open her own independent bookstore to sell books from independent authors.
Her excitement was evident when she talked about it, making me like her that much more.
My phone rang, and it was Serenity. We weren’t supposed to talk on the phone until seven, and it was barely turning six.
“Hey, sad girl, miss me too much you had to call early?” I said in greeting.
“Have you eaten yet?” she asked in a rush.
“I was about to order pizza. Why?”
“I thought we could change our regular phone call to a video call, and we can have dinner together.” She paused. “Actually, maybe that sounds stupid. I can go.”
“Wait, don’t hang up,” I demanded. “Once I order my pizza, it won’t be here for another thirty minutes. Are you already ready to eat, or can you wait for me?”
“So, it’s not a stupid idea?” she asked shyly. I could hear the hesitation in her voice.
“No, it’s a great idea!” I said, hoping to reassure her.
“Okay!” she beamed. “I’m going to order pizza, too. Whoever gets their pizza first can call, deal?”
“It’s a date. Talk to you in a bit.” I hung up and immediately ordered my pizza.
I wore my oldest T-shirt, so I went to my room to find a shirt not so torn. I decided on a plain black T-shirt. I also brushed and did my hair.
Right as I finished getting ready, the doorbell rang with my pizza. I answered the door and took the box to the couch, where I had my tablet set up to call Serenity. Before I could call, her beautiful face appeared on my screen with an incoming call.
“There she is,” I said with a grin.
“Here I am,” she replied with a laugh.
“So, what’s your pizza order?”
She swept her hair over her right shoulder.
“Well, food is my favorite luxury. The local pizza place close to my house has these dinner boxes, which come with a small pan pizza, breadsticks, and cinnamon sticks. So, we can say I’m carb loading.
” She laughed again. God, I could listen to that laugh forever.
“That makes my order sound very boring. I ordered a large thin-crust pepperoni pizza with extra pepperoni. Like more pepperoni than cheese.” I brought a piece up to the screen to show her. “I’ll definitely be eating the whole pie, though.”
“In my opinion, pepperoni is the only topping that belongs on pizza,” she said, taking a bite of her own pepperoni pizza.
“I knew I liked you,” I said with a grin. “Anything fun to drink?”
She hesitated and stared at me blankly.
“Tell me,” I demanded. “It can’t be that bad.”
“Okay, okay. Others have thought it was immature, but why should we only enjoy our favorite drinks when we’re young?” I didn’t expect her to show me a whole jug of apple juice.
A loud laugh escaped.
“Don’t laugh at me!” she said playfully.
“I’m. Not. Laughing. At. You,” I said in between giggles.
“What are you drinking then—water?” She gave me a teasing grin.
“I might have a slight zero-sugar soda addiction.” I looked over to my kitchen, where four twelve-packs were stacked next to the fridge.
“Wait, seriously?” she asked with surprise.
“It’s my one vice since I don’t splurge on food very often and I don’t drink or smoke, so I had to find something.”
“I also don’t drink or smoke. What’s your favorite?”
“Even though I laughed about your apple juice, you’re not allowed to laugh when I tell you.”
She rolled her eyes. “No promises.”
“Mountain Dew…”
Her mouth gaped open. “That’s the worst one.”
“I know, I know, it’s so bad for me, but it’s just too good to give up.
There’s an unspoken rule when working in tech—you’re either addicted to coffee, energy drinks, or Mountain Dew.
I may even have a Mountain Dew fridge in my office…
” I trailed off. She slowly brought the apple juice jug to her mouth, which instantly distracted me.
“What is it that you do in tech—in layman's terms, please?”
I laughed. “Simply, I work in government technology.”
Her eyes went wide. She took a bite of her pizza before replying. “That sounds super important but maybe also stressful,” she said in a questioning tone.
“It has its moments. But sometimes I get to travel to cool places or meet important people, so the stress levels even out. What about you? How’s work, school, and possible future business ventures coming along?”
She beamed. “The owner of the bookstore has taken me under her wing, and listening to ideas I have about opportunities at the store. My classes are also going well. I am learning a lot about the accounting and managing side of being a business owner.”
I could hear the passion in her voice. “That’s awesome, Serenity. You’re too passionate to fail, so remember that when there are tough times.”
“That means so much to me. Thank you for saying that, Grant.” I saw her cheeks flush.
“I mean it, too.” I paused, preparing to ask my next question
“You look like you have something on your mind.” She tilted her head to the side.
“Do you think this counts as date two?” I finally asked.
She turned her eyes up in thought. “I mean, we did share our emotional support drink addiction. I wouldn’t just share that information with anyone, so I think it’s safe to say this could be considered our second date. Unless you don’t?” she questioned.
“I only ask because our second date was supposed to be our trauma dumping date. Seems relevant since we’re both going through it. Do you want to talk about how therapy went? No pressure if not. I want to know all of you, Serenity.”
Her cheeks flushed pink again, and she looked down, deep in thought.
When she spoke, she did so quietly. “I think I’d like to talk about it. At least some small details.”
“That’s fair. Do you want to start? Or I can if you need a minute to gather your thoughts about what details you are comfortable sharing.”
She gave me a small grin. “Has anyone ever told you how considerate you are?”
“Not nearly enough, honestly,” I said with a playful smile.
“You’re impossible.” She laughed. “Okay, where do I even begin?”