Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
PRESENT
Ididn’t know where to start. My absent mother, her abusive boyfriend, the first relationship that shaped how I viewed love, or all the failed ones since. I wasn't ready to discuss my childhood or the layers of explaining my upbringing and relationship with my mother.
“I have some childhood trauma, but the main reason I sought out therapy was because the men I’ve been in relationships with have all said my mental illness issues were why I couldn’t have a lasting relationship.
” I looked away from the screen. Probably not what someone I was pursuing wanted to hear.
“That’s complete bullshit. What do they even mean by ‘mental health issues?’” He made air quotes with his hands.
“I’d get a little too depressed for them,” I stated flatly.
“What do your depressed days look like? If you don’t mind me asking.” He adjusted to a lying position, lying on his side.
“It depends.” I paused. “Some days I wake up and don’t want to go through the motions of the day.
On those days, I get back in bed and try to sleep the day away or spend the day reading.
Other days, I’m distracted by my racing thoughts; focusing becoming a chore.
Those days aren’t so bad except during work when I’m zoning out.
What about you?” I asked to turn the attention away from me.
“In the last few years, I’ve become more on the anxious side than the depressed side, as you witnessed at the fair.
Panic attacks used to be a regular occurrence for me, but since working with Darla, they have significantly decreased.
A somewhat toxic way I fight against my anxiety is not letting myself be alone with my thoughts for too long.
I have a routine I seldom steer away from. ”
“What’s your routine?” I was genuinely curious.
“On workdays, I wake up at five to shower and have breakfast. I have work from seven to four in the afternoon. After work, I head to the gym and work out for at least two hours. By the time I’m home, it’s time to make dinner, shower, and get ready for bed.
I always read until I’m literally about to pass out. And then repeat it the next day.”
My eyes grew wide. “What about on weekends?”
He shrugged. “I still wake up early and have breakfast, but I usually volunteer in the afternoon. Then have the same workout and night routine.”
“Sounds like you’re a busy man.”
“Not too busy for you,” he said with a wink.
“Have you always been such a flirt?” I settled on the couch, so I was lying down, too.
He let out a loud laugh. “Single for eight years, remember?”
“Intentional or bad luck?”
His expression changed slightly; if I hadn’t paid such close attention, then I would have missed it. “It was intentional. It’s not like I was resistant to dating or being in a relationship, but I never quite felt healed enough to let someone back in—until I saw you.”
I felt myself blush once again. “Why me?”
“I don’t think I have a very good answer.
I saw a sad girl whose smile needed to be seen.
You were frazzled when I talked to you, which was adorable.
The interaction was short lived, but I couldn’t get you out of my head.
Now talking on the phone with you each night is the highlight of my day.
” He gave me the biggest smile. “Are you blushing…again?”
“Maybe… You have a way with words, I guess.” I shrugged.
“You guess?” he asked with a teasing tone.
“Honestly, I've had pretty terrible experiences when it comes to dating and even more so when being in a relationship, but you express such sweetness and kindness.”
Now he was the one blushing. “I’ve enjoyed getting to know so many parts of you, even if I haven’t been as forthcoming with my own trauma, but you make me want to be.”
I gave him an understanding smile. “You can share as much or as little as you feel comfortable sharing. My best quality is patience.”
“Good to hear. My grandma raised me because my mom was an addict,” he said bluntly. “She was around when I was a baby, but she left when I was three. I don't remember her and have not met her.” He stopped talking and looked down. He wasn't going to elaborate further.
My mood elevated when I became vulnerable with Grant, so I hoped the same would happen to him in return. “Can you tell me about your grandma?”
His face came back to life with a smile. “She was the best. She had many grandma-like qualities, but she was also a spitfire. Nobody better mess with my sister and me, or hell would be let loose. Everyone in our small town knew it, too.”
“Was?” I questioned.
He sat back up on the couch. “She passed years ago.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that.” He gave me a somber expression, so I changed the subject. “What book are you going to read before bed tonight?”
He smiled again, although weakly. “I’m currently reading a Norse-inspired fantasy series. There’s a war going on, a unique magic system, betrayal, and of course an epic love story because a book is not considered good without a little bit of romance.”
I chuckled. “You may be right there, but I do love me a good historical fiction now and again.”
“What are you currently reading?” he asked.
“I’ve moved from sports romance to small-town romance. I’ve been in a romantic mood lately.”
“I wonder why,” he said with a wink.
I rolled my eyes. “I think I need to start getting to bed, or I’m going to be unbearable to be around tomorrow.”
“My sister’s the same way.” He laughed tiredly. “Goodnight, Serenity. Thank you for the dinner date and talk, it’s hopefully what my dreams will consist of tonight.”
“Always the shameless flirt. Goodnight, buff boy.”
“Goodnight, sad girl.”
We hung up, and I couldn't stop smiling.
I had never been as vulnerable with a man so fast before.
He was validating and not judgmental. I only hoped Grant would become as comfortable showing his vulnerable side to me and share more aspects of his life and feelings he hasn't been able to share with anyone—at least anyone as intimately.
I heard the front door slam, followed by Emma crying. She ran to her room, slamming her bedroom door, too. I stood up from the couch to check on her.
“Em, do you want to talk about it, or do you need space?” I asked through the closed door.
“You can come in,” she said. “But you’re not allowed to mention how bad my face looks because I already know.”
I opened the door slowly to see her sprawled out on her queen-sized canopy bed with her arm bent over her face, covering her eyes. I sat in the white rocking chair in front of her bed. “What’s going on?” I asked cautiously. “Is it Vanessa?”
Vanessa was Emma’s on-and-off again girlfriend for the past six months. They had been more off as of late, but I’d never seen her shaken up over it.
“We’re done. For real this time,” she finally said.
“She doesn’t trust me for shit, and I’m so over it.
She’s convinced that you and I are more than friends and wants me to move out but doesn’t want me moving in with her.
” She sat up and wiped the tears off her face.
Her eyes were puffy from prolonged crying, and her mascara ran down her face.
“Did you tell her how we’ve been friends since we were eleven?” I asked, surprised.
She sighed. “Of course, but she wouldn’t listen. Honestly, I thought dating a woman after the dumpster fire relationship I had with Alex would prove to be different, but maybe I’m doomed either way. I guess I’ll go back to dating men.”
“Trust me, they’re just as dramatic—if not more.” We both laughed.
“You’re not wrong there.” Her eyes went wide. “Are things with Grant not going well?”
“Quite the opposite,” I said with a smile. “We had a virtual pizza date tonight and talked about some of our past stuff. We still held back, but it was nice to be real with someone other than you.” I paused. “Sorry, I don’t mean to sound like I’m bragging when you’re going through a breakup.”
She shook her head. “I appreciate that, but I want to live vicariously through you, so tell me everything.”
I recapped my date with Grant with as much detail as I could muster.
“Serenity,” she said my name with purpose.
“What?” I asked incredulously.
“I think you might have found your actual soulmate.” She winked.
I knew she was referring to my high school boyfriend, Shawn. I convinced myself he had to be the person for me. I’m glad I was wrong because as we grew older, we became quite opposite in many areas of our lives.
“But in all seriousness, he really does sound so different from anyone you’ve dated or been in a relationship with before.
” She paused. “You have never really been around any man so kind, honest, or validating.” I looked down.
“Your exes did help you believe you deserve so much more from someone than you’ve been settling for. ”
I felt the sting behind my eyes, holding back tears. “Now, I’m going to be the one who’s going to start crying.”
I stood and crawled into her bed beside her. “Maybe you’re my soulmate.”
She scooted closer to me. “I mean, that’s a given, but we would never work romantically, and I think we both still need that.”
We both laughed. “I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’ve missed you the last couple of days.”
“I talked about the year I moved back in high school in therapy, and it brought up a lot of emotions I hadn’t felt in a long time.” I was hesitant to bring up my first therapy session with her because even though she played a small part during a tough time in my life, she completely blamed herself.
“Oh…” she said, looking down.
“I needed to talk about how I felt abandoned by Shawn. He was there when it started. Emma, you know I don’t blame you for dating him when I moved or for our very short falling out when I dated him in high school, right?
” When she didn’t respond, I continued, “We’ve officially been friends for twenty years and best friends for almost the same amount of time.
I hold absolutely no animosity toward you, but I have a lot to unload about my relationship and friendship with him. He let me down, you didn’t.”
She looked back up. “I know. I feel like I failed you or could have been there for you more than I was.”
“We were kids, we didn’t know any better.” I tried to soothe her guilt.
“I guess that’s true.”
“What happens in childhood can really make or break you. I refuse to let it break me.”
She sat up. “I want you to know that if you ever do want to talk about your therapy sessions, I’ll be here to listen. Sorry that Shawn’s been a sore subject for all these years, but I’m on this healing journey with you, okay?”
“Okay.” I sat up and hugged her.
“Sob fest over, let’s go finish that pizza.” We both climbed off her bed and raced toward the living room, where my dinner box lay open on the couch.