Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
PRESENT
Iwoke up grumpy as hell.
“Why, good morning sunshine,” Emma said as I joined her in the kitchen.
I crossed my arms. “Please tell me you made coffee and there’s enough for me.” I don’t usually consume caffeine, but I needed it today after the dream I had last night.
She handed me the small cup in her hand. “Here you go, cranky.”
“Sorry,” I said, taking a sip of the warm hazelnut goodness. “I had a dream about having a family with an ex last night and it has me questioning everything—especially about what’s blossoming with Grant.”
“What kind of dream?” she asked with a lifted brow.
“Not that kind of dream, pervert. It was a ‘too good to be true’ type of dream,” I said, using air quotes.
“I was reminded I may never get the chance to have a family.” I took a deep breath, gazing off into the distance.
My brain couldn’t let me bask in the newfound happiness I’ve had with Grant without feeding me more doubts.
“That’s bullshit, and you know it. Just because your doctor said you might not be able to conceive naturally doesn’t mean there aren’t other options.
You may even find a partner who wants to go on that journey with you, or maybe you decide you don’t even want kids.
Either way, you will have a family if that’s really what you want.
” She chugged the rest of her coffee in one big gulp.
“I know, I know. I’m overthinking as per usual.” I shrugged my shoulders, trying to disguise the true discomfort the dream gave me.
She placed a hand on my shoulder. “You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.” She winked at me playfully. “I have to head to work, but text me if you need anything. It was just a dream,” she reassured.
I hugged her. I sat at the table browsing on my phone when I received a text from Grant.
Grant
How excited are you for me to come home this week?
I instantly smiled because I was ecstatic to see him again. I obviously had more healing to do, but Grant had become someone I was willing to take the leap with. He was honest, emotionally available, and always tried to make light of hard situations.
Me
Probably as excited as a kid who tried cake for the first time.
Grant
Wow, putting me up on a pedestal. I'd better be extra sweet, or you’ll be thoroughly let down.
Me
I have every faith in you that you’ll pull it off. Even though I'm probably the most sweet out of the two of us.
Grant
We’ll have to see about that.
He added a winky face emoji to his last text. Grant never ceased to make me smile, even when I’d been overthinking the dream and moving forward with him once he returned. But talking to him always brought up my mood.
Me
You have to plan the next date since I technically planned the video chat pizza date, so make it count.
Grant
I already have a plan in mind, and you are going to be amazed.
Me
Can’t wait. I have to work until ten tonight. Is it okay to still call when I get home, or will you already be in bed?
Grant
Either way, I’d like to hear your voice before I fall asleep.
I always told myself I didn’t like the nice guys, but a man like Grant is exactly who I needed.
Me
Good! I’ll call you when I get home.
When I arrived at work, it was slow. I wasn’t needed on the registers, so I did some organizing around the store.
“Hey, chica. How are you doing?” My coworker, Mikey, asked from behind me as I stocked books.
“You know, living the American dream,” I said with a hint of sarcasm.
He tilted his head with a worried expression. “That good, huh?”
I turned to face him. “I had a dream last night about having a happy family with an ex, and now my mind is playing tricks on me about where I stand with Grant.”
Mikey’s eyes widened. “Oof, that is bad. How are things going with Grant?” He grabbed some books to help stock.
A smile spread across my face. “We text regularly and have been talking on the phone every night. He comes back this week and is already planning for the next date.” I sighed.
“I’m having doubts, though. Maybe I’ll never be over what happened with my exes.
It’s not fair to Grant, because he’s such a genuine guy and I don’t want to string him along when I’m all over the place. ”
Mikey walked over to me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.
“First, grief and healing are not linear. You must grieve the life you thought you’d have in previous relationships while also knowing how much more you’re worth than what they were ever capable of giving you.
Take it one day at a time. Has he been pressuring you to move more quickly, or where’s his head at? ”
“We haven’t really discussed it.” I reorganized a few books on the shelves as the owner passed by. “He did tell me he hasn’t dated anyone in eight years, which is hard to believe because he’s so personable and gorgeous.”
Mikey's eyebrows raised. “Eight years!” he exclaimed.
“I know,” I said. “Usually, I’d assume something is wrong with him to stay single for so long, but I think whatever happened to him made him afraid of getting close to people.”
Mikey nodded. “That’s a reasonable explanation, but I don’t think it would hurt to talk about your feelings and any doubts you have about getting back out there again.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “He may be feeling the same way about whatever his situation is.”
“You’re probably right. I’ll talk to him tonight.” The owner called for assistance at the register.
“I’ll go, you focus on organizing and your book clubs tonight.”
I tilted my head to the side with a thankful smile. “Thank you, you are a literal gem.” He hugged me again and headed off to the front of the store.
I spent the workday doing exactly what Mikey advised. I worked alone organizing, cleaning, and stocking the new supply. The two book clubs went great; the first one had ten attendees, and the second had seven. I came alive during the book clubs.
My anxiety increased as I prepared to talk to Grant. I needed to preface my thoughts so we could be on the same page about taking our relationship slowly when he returns.
“Hey, sad, pretty girl,” Grant said as he answered the phone
“Oh, I’ve been promoted to pretty, huh?” I asked with amusement.
“You were at the highest level of attraction the day I met you, but I figured we were at the point where I could start telling you so. Hope that’s okay?” I heard the smile in his voice, which made me more nervous about the discussion I needed to have with him.
“I appreciate the compliment. You’re pretty, too.” I laughed and put him on speaker as I prepared to shower.
He chuckled lightly. “I don’t think anyone has called me pretty before. I like it. How was your day?”
“I had a rough start to the day, but I facilitated two book clubs at work, which went really well.” I grabbed everything I needed for a shower and went to my bathroom. “I’m getting ready to jump in the shower right now. Is it okay if we keep talking while I shower?”
“Of course. Do you want to talk about your rough day? No pressure, if not, you can tell me about your book clubs instead, you choose.”
I took a deep breath. I needed to confide in him about my doubts. “I’d like to talk about my rough day. I’ve been having some anxious thoughts when it comes to building a romantic relationship.”
“What kind of anxious thoughts?” he asked timidly.
“In my last relationships, they tended to move quickly. I gave too much of my energy to men who weren’t all that invested in me. I let them break me down and turn me into someone I didn’t recognize…”
Grant cut me off. “Are you worried I may be the same?”
“My anxiety is tied more to myself than it is to you. Because I’m still stuck in my head about previous relationships, I don’t want to lead you on.
I want to move slowly and make sure I’m focusing on healing before I jump into something too serious and end up sabotaging it.
Sorry, I’m rambling. Does that make sense? ”
“We’re on the same page, Serenity. I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured to jump into a relationship right when I get back.
” He cleared his throat. “I want to spend time getting to know you even more and spend time together in the same space. Not that I don’t love these phone calls, but an in-person conversation sounds great too. ” He laughed softly.
I smiled as my nerves eased. I should have known Grant would understand.
However, when we start spending time together in person, the pace may be out of our control.
We had a deep connection and have been magnetized to one another.
I haven’t stopped thinking about kissing him since our pizza date.
The way he licked ranch off his lips made me want to cover myself in ranch and receive the same treatment.
“So, I spent the whole day anxious to have this conversation for nothing?”
Grant laughed deeply. “I’m a patient man, Serenity. And I know when someone is worth waiting for.”
My body tingled with goosebumps. His empathy was unwavering.
“And Serenity?” he said in a questioning tone.
“Yeah,” I replied.
“I may barely be getting to know you, but I don’t think you deserve the treatment you received from exes.
I’m proud of you. Some people will stay in abusive relationships for a decade or longer because they grow accustomed to the mistreatment, and when you’re in love, it blurs the image that’s right in front of you.
Now you know what you deserve and won’t settle for anything less, right?
” I nodded my head, forgetting that he couldn’t see me. “Serenity?
I cleared my throat. “I’m here.” My voice cracked. “No one else has validated me so eloquently before. Except Emma, my roommate and best friend. Probably my only real friend now.”
“I only have one friend too!” he exclaimed. “Twinzies.”
I laughed. “You’re such a dork.”
“You know you love it,” he replied.
Honestly, I did. I’m closed off to most people, making it difficult to make connections. Grant made it easy, though. “Maybe a little. Are you going to tell me about your past relationships?” I asked.
I was met with silence. “It’s a long story, and it’s getting late. You probably don’t need much beauty rest because you stay beautiful, but I need all the help I can get.”
First, he called me pretty, and now beautiful. He knows how to make a woman feel attractive. “I’d still love to hear about it when you’re not so tired. But, yes, you need your beauty sleep.” We both laughed. “Goodnight, buff boy.”
“Goodnight, sad girl.”