Chapter 39
THIRTY-NINE
Luna and I spent the last few years barely surviving without Avery.
I didn’t know how to deal with my own grief, let alone hers.
We were present in each other’s lives, but everything about our relationship changed.
She threw herself into school, and I threw myself into work.
We never even talked about what happened.
The summer after she graduated from high school was one of the hardest for us.
“I’m not going to college,” she said one night at dinner.
“What do you mean?” I asked. “You already accepted your offer.”
“I just don’t want to, okay? I’m going to use the money Gram left me to travel. I can’t do this anymore. Be stuck in this house. Be stuck in this town. Be stuck here with you.” Her glare shot daggers straight through my heart.
“No one said you had to stay here or even go to the local college; that’s what you chose.” My tone had more bite to it than I intended.
“No!” she screamed. “That’s what Gram always told me I had to do.
That I’d go to college just like my big brother, but I don’t want to be anything like you.
” Her words cut deep. “I can’t do this anymore.
I’ve pretended long enough. I can’t be around you anymore, knowing you’re the reason Avery died.
She was my only constant, but you made her feel like she couldn't travel with us that day! You pushed her away for your own selfish reasons, and all I want to do is be as far away from you as possible.”
“Don’t act like you know anything about what Avery and I were going through. But I won’t stop you if you want to go. Go ahead and leave. And it was her idea to travel separately, not mine!” I was steaming with rage. She reiterated what I told myself every day since Avery passed.
“Because you made her feel like she had no other choice. She told me you were being distant, so I know a lot more than you think I do.” She stormed off.
I balled my hands into fists at my side. She didn’t know. She couldn’t know. “I was distant because she cheated on me, here in our house.” She stopped, slowly turning toward me. “Did she tell you that?”
“I wish it were you,” she said in a whisper before heading to her room, slamming the door.
I stormed off to my room as well, wishing I could be the guardian and big brother she needed me to be.
The next morning, I found a note on the kitchen counter.
Grant,
I need to get away. Away from this house. This town. And you. Please don’t try to find me. Please let me find peace after a life of devastation. We don’t need each other anymore, so let’s move on with our lives, and maybe we’ll find each other on the other side.
-Luna
I reread the letter time and time again, hoping for a different outcome.
I ran through the house, screaming her name. When I finally accepted that she was gone, I let my rage and anger get the best of me. I threw dish ware, punched walls, and threw away anything she left behind. Then I fell to the floor and cried for losing the last piece of my family.
Gram would be so disappointed in me. A knock at the door brought me back to light. Could Luna have come back?
I checked the peephole to find Avery’s mom. I had to invite her in, even if I hadn’t cleaned up what I destroyed.
“I think you should move,” she said, taking a seat at the kitchen table.
“Move? What do you mean?” I set two cups of tea on the table in front of us.
“You can’t heal here,” she said, gesturing around the house.
“You can’t move on and at least try to have a life of your own if you are haunted by Avery’s ghost and Lu’s abandonment.
This town is too small for a man as smart and as driven as you are.
” She placed her hand on top of mine. “Move to the city. You need to put your life back together. Gram would not want to see you practically throw your life away. You need to live for Gram and Avery because they would have done it for you.”
“You’re right. I need to get out of here. I don’t know how I’m going to go about packing up the house and even selling it. This is the only home I’ve ever known. The only home Lu ever had.” I placed my head in my hands, defeated. Worn down. So damn depressed.
She gave me an understanding expression. “We’ll help you clean the place up and even make sure a good family gets into your home because it was always a loving family home.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for her. I was selfish and insecure, but I shouldn’t have let her go alone. I’m so sorry.” I let my head hang low.
“None of that,” she said, wiping a tear from my cheek. “If you were with her, then you also wouldn’t be here. You deserve to live even if she can’t, okay?”
“Okay,” I simply said.
“You know what has helped me?” She cocked her head. “Therapy.”
I knew my grief was burying me alive, so maybe I could reach out to a grief counselor like the one Lu saw when Gram passed. “I know I should go. There’s someone who was seeing Lu after Gram died, whom I can connect with when I move. She lives in Tucson, so maybe that’s where I’ll start.”
“Perfect. Then it’s settled. I will be by tomorrow to discuss logistics and get this house in order.” She stood up from her chair and walked toward the front door. “You’re going to be okay, Grant.”
“Thank you, Beth. For everything.” And with that, she left.
Beth had kept her word, and we spent the next few weeks packing, cleaning, and putting the house up for sale.
I even landed a job in government technology, which accommodated my moving timeline.
I took a few trips to Tucson to hunt for a place to live and found one that was obnoxiously too big for one person, but it had a similar layout to Gram’s house.
I still wanted to feel connected to them, even if it wasn’t the same house.
The move was hard and heartbreaking. I stood in each room, reminiscing on the memories made there, especially in the kitchen with Gram making cookies.
I let myself cry for the lives that made the house a home, who left far too soon.
I could picture my sassy sister dancing around the house, Avery making dinner, Gram sitting on her rocking chair crocheting another blanket, and me being loved by three strong women who made me believe I wouldn’t need another in this lifetime—at least not anytime soon.
I walked through the house once more, not fully ready to let go.
I settled into my new home and started my new job the next day.
The house was too quiet at night; I thought I had gotten used to it in the last few months without Luna.
I was restless throughout the night, my alarm waking me up too soon.
I bought the house in a quiet neighborhood, and it was too quiet to get any sleep.
I should get a roommate. People in their late twenties still had roommates, right?
I needed a double shot of espresso to get through the first day of work.
The drive to work was quick. I sat in my car in front of the building, taking multiple deep breaths. I hadn’t really used the extent of my degree since graduating. My new job was important, and the salary didn’t suck.
There was a lot of security to get through to get into the building.
Once inside, I was amazed by the mere size and amount of people.
I was told I would be welcomed by the lead contractor with whom I’d be working, but I waited in the meeting room for a long while before someone finally came to greet me.
“So sorry, it’s been one of those mornings. You’re not looking for a roommate by chance, are you?” He laughed. “I’m Gio, and you’re Grant?” he questioned.
“Nice to meet you, Gio.” Should I mention that I was thinking of getting a roommate?
“Let me show you around, and then I’ll leave you to complete some online training. So, tell me about yourself. What do you do in your free time?” He was a chatty one.
We began walking around the building, and he pointed out different locations—bathrooms, cafeteria, and mail room.
“I’m a boring guy, to be honest. I just moved here from a small town two hours south of here and haven’t created much of a social life—unless you count playing online games with people. ”
“You game?” he questioned. “What do you play?”
“I think being a gamer comes hand in hand with working in tech jobs.” We both shook our heads and laughed.
“I like a variety of low-key adventure games with a small element of shooting or fighting. The games I’ve been into lately are made by my indie game developers.
They might not have all the best graphics like the mainstream games, but I’ve been having fun discovering different types of games.
” I realized I was rambling, which was no longer like me since I stopped trying to connect with people. Gio was easy to talk to, though.
“Dude, same here. I have too much anxiety for most first-person shooter games. I’m a chill gamer, but games also make up ninety percent of my personality.
” He directed me to a computer where I’d be doing the online training modules.
“Let me know if you need anything; I’m right over there.
” He pointed to a corner desk across from where I would be sitting.
Gio and I became quite close working together. We gamed together or talked while we played separate games. I finally decided to ask him about the comment he made when we first met.
“I’m in the market for a roommate, know anybody?” I asked nonchalantly in conversation.
“Umm, me, bro. I’ve been staying with my folks until I can get my own place.
I guess I could afford to live on my own, but I come from a big family, so the thought of being alone in a house kind of freaks me out.
” He laughed. “I had a very toxic breakup recently. How much are you asking?” I don’t necessarily need the money from what Gram left me and the salary from work, so I wasn’t quite sure what might sound fair.
“Sorry to hear that, but lucky for me, because I need a roommate. If you want to split the mortgage, then I’d be happy with that.”
“Seriously? You’re an actual lifesaver. When can I move in?” he asked excitedly.
“Whenever you want, bro. The house is just too quiet, so feel free to be as loud as you want.”
He laughed. “You bet I will.”
I was nervous about living with someone who didn’t know what I’ve lost and about the various episodes I experienced.
I’d tackle that conversation when the time came.
Or at all, I didn’t believe everyone that came into my life in the aftermath of grief needed to know the entire extent of that grief.
I’d have to bring the topic up to my new therapist, Darla.
She was happy to take me on as a client when I told her about what happened with Luna and me.
I’ve settled into a new home, a new job, made a new friend turned roommate, and have created a routine for myself that keeps me and my overthinking brain busy.
I worked, went to the gym, read, slept, and repeat.
I’d have to find a way to keep my weekends busy, so I wasn’t idle for too long.
I’d be okay. I had to take it one day at a time.
Everything I did would still be for my girls. I’ll become worthy of Lu’s love again.