Chapter 40
FORTY
PRESENT
After eight years, I finally processed the day Avery died in therapy.
We have discussed what happened in pieces over the years, but I always shut down discussions about the actual day.
I did what I thought was right for our family at the time.
I had valid feelings given our circumstances, and she was the one who decided to travel separately.
Maybe I could have talked her out of it, but there was no point in perseverating on what-ifs.
I needed to allow myself forgiveness and love again.
I couldn’t continue to hold onto so much guilt and fear.
The drive up the mountain with Serenity was filled with music and laughter. We alternated between picking songs that were meaningful to us. I thought of how to bring up my grief with her, so I began by choosing “Kiss the Girl” from the original The Little Mermaid movie.
She laughed. “Is this from The Little Mermaid?”
“Good ear,” I responded.
“What’s the story with this song?”
I gripped the steering wheel and focused on the road.
I hadn’t openly talked to anyone about Luna since the day she left.
I thought not talking about her would lessen the pain of her absence, but it all hurt the same.
She was my first best friend. “It was my little sister’s favorite movie when she was little.
I think I could still recite it line for line for how many times she had it on repeat. ”
Serenity smiled softly. “It was my favorite Disney movie growing up, too! I totally understand the obsession.” She looked over at me skeptically. “You don’t talk about your sister a lot—or ever really.”
She didn’t ask the question I knew she wanted to. She always made sure to respect my boundaries when it came to my family. I looked over at her quickly to find her studying me. “My sister and I had a bad falling out about five years ago.”
Serenity reached over and placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, so I continued.
“Once Gram was gone, my high school sweetheart, Avery, and I decided to be flexible with our college plans to raise her.” I could feel the emotion surfacing behind my eyes.
“It took a bit longer for us to finish our degrees and really get on our feet, but we figured it out.”
“Do you mind if I ask how old you were when your Gram passed?” Serenity talked gently and squeezed my shoulder
“Avery and I were twenty.”
“Oh, Grant. You practically became a parent to a young child while you were still growing up yourself. Your dedication proves how much you loved her that you’d give up your twenties for her.
” A single tear escaped my eye, and she wiped it away with her thumb.
“You can stop sharing if you need to. I appreciate what you’ve already been able to unload. ”
I leaned over and kissed the hand that was still resting on my shoulder.
“She was my best friend. I never thought anyone could make me feel whole again until I met you. Your resilience reminds me a lot of hers. She took everything in stride, even when we lost Gram when she was only ten years old.” I tried to blink away more emotion as I thought about the last time I saw her.
When she said she wished I were the one who died instead of Avery.
“We planned a Disney trip for her fifteenth birthday. Lu and I flew, and Avery drove separately.” I tightened my grip on the steering wheel, and of course, she noticed.
She ran her fingers up and down my arm to help bring me back to the present.
“Avery was in an accident…she died instantly.” I let the tears fall.
“We grew up together, and she meant so much to Luna. My relationship with Luna was never the same after Avery passed. When she graduated and got her inheritance money from Gram, she left, and I haven’t seen her since. ”
She squeezed my hand. “I am so sorry you lost the most important people to you. Getting to know you without knowing your past has been such a privilege. You are strong, kind, caring, loving, smart, and one of the funniest people I’ve ever known.
I would have never guessed what you went through by how you hold yourself.
But I want you to know, you never have to pretend with me.
I don’t have experience with grief, but I do know that it can come and go in waves.
You better lean on me during the harder days, just like I’ve leaned on you during mine. ”
I brought her hand to my lips to kiss. “That’s why I stayed single and away from women for the most part. Avery had been cheating on me before she passed, and we were robbed of the chance to find closure. It took me a long time to stop feeling guilty. A really long time.”
Her eyes watered. “I can’t even begin to understand the conflicting emotions you must have felt over the years. How was your relationship with Avery leading up to her cheating?”
I blew out a breath. “She was the love of my life, and I planned to propose on the trip before I found out everything. I even thought I might have forgiven her because she was all I knew. The what-ifs have been the hardest wall to break through in therapy, but being with you has helped.”
“You deserve to let your guilt go and find love again,” she reassured. “I’d feel so lucky if the person you took that chance on was me.”
“You’ve had me since the moment our eyes met in that quiet and cold waiting room. Your storm cloud eyes stole my heart that day. I’m all yours, baby girl—if you’ll have me.”
“I’ll have to think about it.” She giggled.
“Very funny. It’s not nice to kick a guy while he’s down.” I shot her a knowing glance
“I have sort of a weird request,” she said quietly.
“I love weird—shoot.”
“Tomorrow is the fifth, and five is my lucky number. Can we become official tomorrow?” She shifted uncomfortably next to me, embarrassed by her request.
“Since I already knew that and planned this trip especially this weekend, so we were at the lake when I asked you to be mine, I suppose I’d be fine waiting.” She looked up at me in surprise, and I winked. “I’m full of surprises. We’re just getting started, pretty girl.”
“Everyone told me I’d die alone if I was still single at thirty, but I was waiting for the person who was willing to sweep me off my feet.
Thank you for treating me the way I’ve been begging to be treated.
I have been let down so many times, but I would go through all of it again if it meant I still ended right here—with you. ”
Now I was the one blushing. “I’m supposed to be the one who confesses how much you mean to me through long soliloquies, not you.
” I shook my head with a chuckle. “I’ll spend the rest of our days together proving how worthy of true love you really are.
” I held her hand, squeezing tightly to remind her how I wasn’t going anywhere.