Chapter 15
Patch
I feel lost. Like, I don’t know where I belong. I feel like I’m just drifting in the darkness. There are no leads on who did this. There’s nothing. We have nothing.
I’ve drunk myself to sleep most nights, but now, I stalk her.
I sit outside their apartment watching the light in the window.
I watch the shadow of them moving around.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked up to the door, ready to knock, before I thought better of it.
I always turn and walk away. I walk back to the same spot on the street and stand in the darkness watching.
I light my cigarette as I watch the shadow dancing across the window. I know it’s her. I know she hates me. I would hate myself. I do hate myself. What I did to her … I can’t even think straight these days. It all comes back to that place. That dark, dirty place where nightmares are bred.
I shake my head and watch until the lights go out. Only then do I decide to leave, and it’s still against my better judgment. I want to stand here and make sure she’s okay. I want to watch that fucking window all night long and make sure she’s safe.
I turn and walk back down the block to the truck. I didn’t bring my bike because I didn’t want her to notice me. Hoping in, I drive to the local bar.
I park the truck and climb out before heading inside. I know she isn’t going to be here. I know she’s at home and safe in her bed, but that doesn’t stop me from dreaming. Dreaming she will show up here.
I drop onto the stool and order a few shots and a beer.
I knock one back before grabbing the second.
I need to drown the demons in my head. I need to get rid of the thoughts of what I’ve done to her.
I ruined her. I know I did. It doesn’t matter if she says I didn’t, and I did what I had to do to keep her safe; deep down, I know what I did to her.
I ruined her. I broke her. And now she doesn’t even want to look at me.
She couldn’t stand being in the fucking clubhouse with me.
I close my eyes for a second and just breathe. There are too many things running through my head that I can’t control. When I open my eyes again, I order another shot. I keep ordering shots until the world begins to blur and spin around me.
Someone taps on my shoulder, and deep inside, I wish it were her. When I turn my head and look over my shoulder, it’s not. I knew it wouldn’t be, but there was a part of me that hoped it was.
“What do you want?”
“Buy a girl a drink?” I snort a laugh and shake my head.
“Not a chance in hell.”
“That’s rude,” the woman smarts off.
“You know what, sweetheart, I’m only savin’ you the heartache that comes with knowin’ me.” She shakes her head and sits on the stool next to me anyway. I shake my own head and turn back to my drinks.
“We all think that way, you know?” she says.
“What way is that?”
“That we cause heartache and pain to others. I’ve been there,” she answers.
“We’re not the same, darlin’.”
“Maybe not, but I still understand it.”
“There’s no way you could understand my hell,” I tell her. She shifts on her stool and turns to face me.
“Try me.”
“I was forced to rape a girl.”
“No one is forced to rape anyone.”
“As I said, you wouldn’t understand my hell,” I tell her. She looks uneasy now. She doesn’t know how to react to that. But then she smartens up and stands, walking away from the bar. I smirk and let out a chuckle.
I shove off the stool and toss some cash on the counter before stumbling my way to the truck. I climb in and start it up, blinking my eyes to try and get them to focus, but it does little good.
I shift into drive, knowing damn good and well that I shouldn’t be out driving, but that doesn’t stop me. I swerve as I drive through the intersection, not really caring if I wreck or not. My mind is someplace else. My head isn’t where it should be. It’s on her. Always on her.
I keep driving, and before I know it, the truck rolls to a stop, hitting a tree.
I chuckle as I look up to see where I am.
I slowly drag my ass out of the truck and walk to the apartments.
I stumble and fall to the ground laughing louder this time before dragging my ass up the steps. Then I scream her name.
“Anika!” I don’t care that I might wake up the neighbors. I don’t care that I might go to jail. I shove up on wobbly legs and stumble to their door, banging on it.
“Anika! Fuckin’ open the door,” I yell. At first, no one answers, and I scream louder, banging harder. I hear doors open and close, and know that the neighbors hear me.
“Shut up or I’m calling the cops!”
“Fuck you, motherfucker!” I roar, turning to look at whoever is yelling at me. I stumble and fall to my ass as they laugh at me. Slowly, I climb back to my feet as they go back inside. Then I’m back to banging on the door.
“Anika! Fuckin’ let me in, baby.” I should be embarrassed for what I’m doing. I should feel bad, but I don’t. I’m drunk off my ass, and I don’t care.
The door finally opens, and Ellie steps out, closing the door behind her.
“What the hell are you doing?” she hisses at me.
“I need to see her,” I tell her.
“She doesn’t want to see you, Patch. Just go home.”
“I can’t do that. I need to see her,” I tell her once more. My heads in a fog. I can’t think straight, but I know I need to see her. I need to see Anika. I need to know that she’s okay.
“You can’t do this to her. She needs time,” Ellie tells me.
“I’ve given her time, Ellie. Fuck!” My head is spinning, and I can vaguely hear the sirens in the distance. I don’t care if they’re coming for me. I don’t care if I go to jail.
“Please, Ellie,” I beg her in my drunken state.
“You need to leave, Patch. I’m sorry,” she says once more. I refuse. I stumble and fall to my knees once more when the sirens get closer. Ellie’s eyes move from me to the steps and back again.
“You need to go.”
“I can’t do that. Don’t you get it? I’m fuckin’ fallin’ apart here, Ellie. I need to see her,” I scream louder this time. Before I know what’s happening, I’m being lifted off the ground and slammed against the wall.
“Anika!” I scream her name, needing to see her. I just need to see her.
“Calm down,” the cop says as my hands are pulled behind me. I feel the cuffs click around my wrists, and everything comes rushing back to me.
“Anika!” The cops are talking to Ellie when the door slowly opens. Anika steps out and looks at me, her eyes full of tears.
“The fuckin’ cuffs. You remember the fuckin’ cuffs?” I cry. Tears spill down my face, and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. “The fuckin’ cuffs, Anika!”
“Patch, stop, please,” she begs me.
“You remember how tight they were? How did they cut into our wrists?” I beg her to remember, to save me from this hell that I feel inside me.
Tears stream down Anika’s cheeks as she wraps her arms around herself. She sobs, her body trembling. I try to take a step toward her, but the cop jerks me back.
“I just need to hold her,” I plead with them. It does no good. My eyes stay locked on hers as they slowly pull me away. I can’t stop looking at her.
“Anika!”