Chapter 19
Patch
I’ll be honest with myself and say that I’ve been fucking up. Badly. I know I have, but that’s what I thought needed to be done. That’s what I thought would get her out of my head. I was wrong.
That phone call came, and I lost it. I damn near broke everything in the clubhouse when I heard Ellie sobbing on the other end of the line. She cut her wrist. She bled out. Those were the words I heard from her. That was days ago, and I’m still not right in the head.
Kal checked on things. He made things right. He paid off those who needed to be paid off and brought her here. Ellie is a mess. She can barely eat and doesn’t sleep. The doc has come by more than once and even set up a room here to keep an eye on her.
But it’s me that’s still fucked up. It’s me that’s standing over Anika’s bed, staring her down. The doc has given her meds to sleep, but I want her awake. I want to shake her. I want to hit her. I want to throw her over my goddamn shoulder and shake the life back into her.
I’m pissed. I’m beyond pissed. I’m almost to the point of hating her. I should hate her for what she did.
I lean down and slap at her face, trying to wake her up.
“Get up,” I tell her as I smack her cheek.
“Wake the fuck up, Anika!” I roar this time.
I want to yell at her. I want to know what the fuck she was thinking when she did that.
Why did she do it? I thought she was handling herself better than this.
I thought she was getting better. I was so fucking wrong.
She was getting worse. She was falling deeper into a depression that no one could save her from.
And I feel like that’s on me. I should have seen it. I should have known.
“Get the fuck up!” I scream louder this time. The door to her room opens, and Kal peeks in. He doesn’t say anything before pulling the door closed and leaving us alone again. He knows I need to do this.
“Get up, Anika!” I slap her face harder this time, and her eyes slowly flutter. After a second, she opens her eyes and looks up at me.
“You’re not supposed to be here,” she whispers, her voice scratchy.
“What were you doin’?” I growl.
“What?”
“What were you doin’? Slittin’ your fuckin’ wrist, Anika?” I’m pissed. I’m beyond pissed. I grab her face roughly in my hand, squeezing her cheeks.
“Let me go,” she says softly.
“No. Fuck you, Anika. Fuck you!”
“Let go of me, Patch,” she says, sounding a little angrier. I don’t care. I’m angry too.
“No. You’re fuckin’ weak!”
“I know that.”
“Why, Anika? Why did you refuse to fight?” I ask her.
“I was fighting!” She reaches up and weakly slaps my hand off her face before scooting up the bed.
I know she’s still drowsy from all the meds the doc has given her, but that doesn’t stop me.
She glances around before huffing out a breath.
She didn’t know she was brought here. She hasn’t been awake that long in the past few days.
“No, you weren’t. you were fuckin’ weak. You took the easy way out of this,” I scream at her. I run my hand through my hair as I take a step back. If I don’t, I might do something I’ll regret later because of the mood I’m in now, I might.
“I did what I needed to do. I’m just sorry I didn’t do it right,” she screams back at me.
“You’re sorry you didn’t do it right?” I ask her. She nods her head, holding my gaze. I reach into the back pocket of my jeans and pull out my switchblade. I toss it at her, and it falls onto her lap. She eyes it before looking back up at me.
“Do it. Do it right this time,” I tell her, calming my nerves. I want to snap and hurt her, but I don’t. Instead, I challenge her.
“Leave me alone,” she says. I shake my head and walk over, picking up the knife. I flip it open and hold it out to her. She doesn’t take it, but I keep it there, within her reach.
“Take it. Do it right, Anika. Do it deeper. I’ll walk outta here and pretend I didn’t see shit,” I tell her. Her eyes stay locked on mine as I hold the blade in my hand.
“Leave me alone. Get out,” she yells loudly.
“Do it! Fuckin’ take the goddamn knife, Anika!” I yell back, but when she doesn’t, I grab her other wrist and press the tip of the knife into it. Not enough to draw blood, but enough to get her attention.
“Get away from me, Patch!” Her screams rip through the room, and before I know it, the door is flying open, and the guys are storming in.
Tide is first to reach me, knocking me back a step.
The blade slips and falls from my hand, clattering to the floor.
Binker steps between us and picks it up, closing it and shoving it in his pocket.
“What the hell are you doin’?” Kal demands.
“She wants to die.”
“No, she doesn’t. She’s just confused,” he says.
“She tried to slit her wrist. I’m just helpin’ her out,” I say, raising my hands in the air.
“You need to stay the fuck out of this room. She’s here to get better, Patch.”
“She doesn’t wanna get better! She wants to fuckin’ die, let her go!” I roar.
“Is that what you want? Is it what you really want? Will that make you feel better? You don’t have to look her in the fuckin’ eye and see what happened?”
“Shut the fuck up, Kal.”
“You’re scared! Scared to see that someone else is strugglin’ too. Scared to see her hurtin’. Well, too fuckin’ bad, Patch! She’s fallin’ apart, just like you are!” Kal yells.
“Fuck you! You don’t know shit about me,” I scream back. My heart's racing, anger surging in my veins.
“No. I’m sick of this shit. I’m sick of you self-destructin’, and now you’re tryin’ to drag her down with you.”
“He’s right,” Anika finally chimes in.
“What do you mean?” Kal asks her.
“I don’t want to live like this.”
“Too damn bad. This isn’t up for discussion.
Somethin’ bad happened to you. Somethin’ traumatic and scary.
It changed you. It hurt you, but it didn’t kill you, Anika.
There’s more to life out there. Some people care about you,” Kal tells her.
Her eyes move to Ellie’s as she cries by the door. “No. Not just her,” Kal adds.
“What do you mean?” she asks softly. Kal turns his head to look at me, but I can’t stop looking at her. Our eyes lock, and the air is sucked from my lungs. “He doesn’t care,” she says, her eyes never leaving mine.
“Why do you think he’s spiralin’, darlin’?” She slowly pulls her eyes from mine to look back at Kal.
“He made it clear what we were.”
“That was before.”
“You can’t build a relationship based on that. It’s too much,” she says.
“Does anyone give a shit what I think?” I ask.
“No,” Kal snaps as he keeps looking at her.
And I’m lost. Just as much as I was before.