Chapter 20
Anika
I sit on the edge of the bed after my latest session with the counselor. It feels good to get my feelings out in the open, but that doesn’t fix everything. I still feel lost. I still don’t know where I belong, but apparently, Kal has decided I’m staying here until I get better.
Patch has kept his distance since that first day.
The doc has put me on medicine for depression.
Each day feels like a struggle to get through.
Most days, I don’t know what I should be doing.
I’ve talked to some of the girls who were victims of trafficking and went through something similar to what I did.
It was nice hearing how they’ve dealt with things. It was nice to know I wasn’t alone.
My feelings are all over the place. The doctor said that would happen until the meds kick in. Ellie left. She had to work, and I understand that, but now, I feel alone without her.
With a sigh, I shove off the bed and walk to the door, heading into the hallway. I walk to the main room and see everyone talking and laughing. I miss laughing. I miss having a good time.
I walk over to the bar, and one of the girls grabs me a drink, sliding it across the bar to me. I smile my thanks and take it before walking over and sitting on one of the couches.
I watch everyone talk and have a good time. Some are dancing, others are singing along to the music. I’ve missed this.
“You’re smilin’.” I hear his voice, and my heart leaps in my chest. I look up to see Patch standing next to me.
“I’ve missed this,” I tell him.
“Yeah. I get that.” Then he walks away. That was it.
I lean back on the couch and watch him as he talks to the guys when one of the girls comes up to him.
She slides her arm around his waist, and my insides clench.
I know we’re not together, but it hurts to see someone touching him.
Then, to my shock, he pushes her away. She says something that I can’t hear, and his eyes slowly drift to mine.
He doesn’t need to put his life on hold because of me. The thought pisses me off.
I shove off the couch and storm toward him, stopping when I’m close enough to touch him.
“What the hell was that?” I ask him. He slowly turns to look at me, confusion etched into his face.
“What was what?”
“You pushed her away.”
“And?”
“Then you looked at me,” I tell him.
“So what?”
“So don’t stop your life because of me,” I tell him. His eyes flash with something I don’t recognize before he slowly smirks at me.
“Is that what you think?”
“I saw how she was all over you.”
“Are you jealous?”
“What? No!” Then he reaches for the girl who was hanging off him and pulls her into his arms. His lips hover too close to hers for my liking, and I have to fight back the urge to claw her fucking eyes out. I can’t stake my claim on someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me.
A low growl falls from my throat, surprising the hell out of me. I step back, but Patch doesn’t let me get that far. His hand wraps around my good wrist and holds me in place. I glance down at his hand and then back to his face.
“Tell me what you’re thinkin’,” he demands. I shake my head no. “You scared?” Why I answer that is beyond me, but I do. Slowly, I nod my head, and his grip loosens a little. I start to pull away, but he doesn’t let me. Instead, he shoves the girl off him and turns to face me fully.
“Tell me.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s wrong. It’s all fucking wrong, and once I say it out loud, I can’t take it back,” I admit to him.
His eyes are locked with mine, and unease slides through me.
After everything we’ve been through, you would think it would be easier than this between us.
You would think that it would have pulled us closer together, but it hasn’t.
“I need to hear it, Anika. I need to hear what you’re thinkin’.”
“Why?”
“Because I need to know what I’m feelin’ isn’t wrong.” What? What the hell does that mean?
“What are you feeling?” I ask, gazing up at him. His free hand comes up to rest on my cheek, and everything else seems to fade. Could he possibly feel the same way? Am I imagining the look in his eyes right now?
“Tell me. Please.” His words are my undoing. The way he said please. Emotions run wild inside me as I lick my suddenly dry lips.
“I care about you. I know I get attached to people easily, but I really do care about you, Patch.” He nods his head, his hand still lingering on my cheek.
“I need to show you somethin’.” I nod my head, although I have no idea what I just agreed to. Patch takes my hand in his and leads me out the side door and around to the back of the property. I’ve never been back here, and I don’t know what to expect.
We walk for a minute when I see tiny crosses sticking out of the ground.
“What is this?”
“We keep our guys close. Unless they have family that wants them buried somewhere else, this is it.” I look around at the tiny crosses, and my heart immediately hurts for him.
“You buried your friends?”
“A few. Most passed before I was old enough to realize what was happenin’.”
He leads us around a few of them before stopping at one. For a long minute, I don’t know what I’m looking at. There are names inscribed on each one of them, but it doesn’t fully hit me at first.
“You couldn’t find your brother. I had the guys check into you,” he tells me.
“What does that mean?”
“I know where your brother is,” he says softly, his eyes lowering to the cross. Rafe is inscribed on this one. It didn’t hit me until just now. My brother’s dead.
“That can’t be him.”
“Rafael. We called him Rafe. He was a prospect when he was killed.”
“No.”
“He was a good guy. Very respected around here, which is why he’s buried back here with the other patched members,” he tells me. Tears slowly begin to leak down my cheeks as I drop to my knees and run my fingers over his name. Sobs rip from my chest.
“How long ago?”
“Months ago. He was shot,” he tells me, his voice hitching as he does.
“I’ve been looking for him. That’s why I came here,” I admit.
“What do you mean?”
“That’s why I was fucking with you! To find him. I heard he was hanging around with the club. God, Patch. I was so stupid.”
“You fucked me to get closer to the club?” he asks.
“I needed to find him. I figured you would know,” I admit, even though it kills me inside. Before I have the chance to say anything further, Patch walks away, leaving me to the cross.