Chapter 6
Ty
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I said in a tone that was barely audible after I puked my guts up. "Hang on," I whimpered. And then I did it again, hurling and coughing and doing my best to turn my back to the unreasonably gorgeous man who was standing with me.
I should have been humiliated, but I had no control.
I had less than honorable intentions with Sam, and when he mentioned Jacob, the gag reflex was instant.
Call it guilt, call it anxiety… I wasn't even sure what to call it.
One minute, I was feeling butterflies in my stomach as I lightly touched Sam's arm, and the next moment, those butterflies hurled themselves out of my body.
"I am so sorry," I said, turning and spitting and not daring to look at him. "That came out of nowhere. I think I need to go to my trailer."
I wasted no time heading toward my trailer.
I tripped a little on a branch, and I mumbled things about being sorry again.
Sam double checked that I was going to be okay as I went inside, and I assured him that I was.
I figured he thought that whole thing was from me drinking, and I was planning on letting him think that.
I had not drunk nearly enough to make me sick.
What had made me sick? Was it the mention of Jacob?
I thought about Jacob being back home, and then I thought of the way I had been flirting with Sam.
My mind was swimming, and so was everything else.
Another wave of nausea hit me, and I coughed because I felt so gagish.
My sister was in her bed on the other side of the trailer, and she stirred.
"Hey, did you have fun?"
"Yes, and no. Yes. I did."
She sat up, and I fake smiled at her.
"You okay?" she asked, blinking at me since it was dark in there.
"Yeah, I am."
"Were you drinking?"
"Not-not really."
She sat up even straighter. I rarely drank at all. Usually, during social situations, I had some sort of responsibility, and I just made it a policy not to have a drink in my hand.
I was still reeling, so I came out and said, "I barfed just now."
"Where?" Amelia asked.
"On the way over here from where we parked, back by those trees."
"You got sick from drinking?" she asked.
"I really don't think so. It might've been food," I said, sitting on the edge of my bed and staring into space.
Slowly and absentmindedly, I began to take off my shoes and get changed. I went to the tiny restroom to wash my face and run a wet washcloth over my body. The door was open, and the trailer was small enough that I could see my sister looking at me.
"Are you okay?" she said.
I splashed cold water on my face, feeling glad for the distraction so I didn't cry at her question. "I don't know. I think I am. I'm… I'm fine. I'm just having some anxiety right now."
"About what?"
"It's not about anything. I mean, it, it's sort of about everything, but at the same time, it's just that same feeling. I just feel yucky, which sucks because I was good earlier. This has happened to me before, this feeling."
"Is that what made you throw up?" she asked, getting to the edge of her bed and looking nervous.
"I'm fine," I assured her, even though I did not feel fine.
I had to remind myself that an hour ago I felt great.
"I made a fool of myself with Sam just now. I embarrassed myself, and I’m…
I'm pretty sure I don't want to be with Jacob anymore.
I'm pretty certain I need to break up with him, but I'm just… "
I hesitated long enough that she interjected. "You're breaking up with Jacob?"
"I don't know. I can't process anything right now because I'm nauseated."
"Did something happen between you and Sam tonight?" she asked, since I had accidentally mentioned it.
"No." I paused but then continued. "But I wanted it to. I was checking him out." I faced away from her and cringed at the memory. I let out a defeated sigh as I stepped out of her view. I was feeling like the worst person in the world. I was a horrible person.
"I make fun of cheaters," I said to her.
"What does that mean?"
"I laugh at people who cheat. I've done that with Jacob.
We laugh at what an idiot Eddie was for cheating on his last girlfriend.
Misha. She was so nice. I had said I would never do that, and I know Jacob would never expect me to.
.. but tonight I let myself get swept up.
I didn't do anything with Sam, but I would have.
If he had kissed me, I would have let him.
I would have kissed him back." I put my head in my hands.
"I can't believe I'm saying that. I feel horrible.
I literally got sick when he mentioned Jacob's name. "
"He mentioned Jacob's name?" she asked. "Sam did?"
I nodded. "He asked me something about my boyfriend."
"And it made you get sick?"
"Yes. This is why I freak out and think something is wrong with me. Do you think my stomach's okay? Am I okay?"
My sister made a clueless face. "I've taken animal biology, but I don't know… that's something you'd have to look up."
"I'm not looking it up," I said. "I'm just going to pretend I'm in the olden days without access to all those scare-engines.
What should I do?" I asked, looking at her.
"Jacob's helped me through a lot, and I'm scared not to have him there.
But after how I felt tonight, I can't see myself… oh gosh… never mind."
"What?" she asked.
"Nothing."
"What were you going to say?" she asked.
I had been about to say that I could never see myself ever being as attracted to Jacob as I was to Sam, but I couldn't let myself say such a thing.
I had been with Jacob for over a year, and the minute I left San Francisco, I was looking at someone else.
I actually felt jealous of the girl who was getting to kiss Sam in place of me in the series.
I had come close to saying that to him tonight.
I was horrified at myself when I remembered things I did and almost did.
I already knew I would regret a good portion of the last two hours of my life, and I thought it would be best for everyone if I stopped the damage now.
"Amelia?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask a big favor?"
"Yes, anything."
"Can we just not talk about this anymore? Obviously, I just threw up, so I'm nauseous, and I'm talking out of my head. I love Jacob, and I'm good."
"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked reluctantly.
"Yes," I promised her, even though I wasn't so sure.
"Do you want me to pray for you?"
"Sure?" I said in a questioning tone, since I wasn't sure what she was going to do.
She came over to me. I didn't expect her to do it, but she got out of her bed and physically came to me.
"What are you doing?" I asked, peering up at her.
"I'm just going to put my hand on you while I pray. Are you okay with that?"
"Yeah," I said. It was a word of agreement, but I said it hesitantly enough that she knew I was reluctant about the whole thing.
We didn't do this as children. Our parents weren't the type of people who prayed.
I was in a hopeless state of mind at the moment, though.
I was sure that I was going to end things with Jacob, and I was terrified about being alone.
That was why my eyes began to sting the instant she started speaking and said, "Father, thank you that we're never alone.
Thank you for having the ability to be right here next to us as individuals, and that you care about the details of our lives.
Thank you that you are big enough and grand enough to do that for each of us.
I pray that You'd calm Trinity's nerves.
" My eyes released hot, gushing liquid when she said that, and I tucked my face into the pillow where she couldn’t see me cry.
"I pray that she would have Your peace—a peace that passes understanding.
I pray that You would strengthen her and encourage her, and I pray that she would know how much You love her. Amen."
"Amen," I agreed in a light, normal voice, even though hot tears were coming out of my eyes and onto the pillow. "Thank you," I said, concentrating on keeping my tone normal. "Love you," I added.
"Love you," she said.
I felt and heard her retreat to her bed. I wasn't so sure about her words, but they made me feel touched and start to cry nonetheless. I was still, and I just stayed there, being quiet and listening to the white noise machine that our mother bought and set up in our trailer.
I was thankful for my sister's words, but they didn't stop the worrisome thoughts from revisiting me for the rest of the night.
I had a restless night's sleep, and I woke up with sweat and panic all over me. It was our second day of getting settled on set. We had no responsibilities until the following day, and so I went off on my own, walking the paths at the edge of the land and intentionally avoiding people.