Chapter 7
I knew I was going to break up with Jacob, but I had such mixed feelings about it that I walked and thought about it all morning.
I was scared to leave him, and I knew he was going to blame the series.
I couldn’t say that he was wrong… it was the series that led to this… and that felt humiliating to admit.
I also remembered my actions last night, and Sam was a factor.
I had no idea if I would do the kissing scenes, even after I broke up with Jacob.
It seemed cringy of me to go to them and say I could now kiss Sam after everything that happened the night before.
He might not even want to kiss me after I barfed right in front of him.
To put it plainly, none of my options felt good. My emotions were all over the map, and my body was doing the same. I was not feeling my best. I wasn't hungry at all, and I shoved down a brownie bar so that I could have some coffee and try to shake the headache that formed by noon.
I talked to my sister a bit, but I just gave her vague answers and told her that I was having issues with Jacob, and we'd work it out. She knew we had our intense moments as a couple, and she had never been one to pry.
By 1pm, I found a quiet spot by the creek and called him. I had been texting him for a few minutes, and I asked him if I could call. I was shaking as the phone rang.
"What's up?" Jacob said, answering the phone.
"Where are you?"
"I told you, I'm at the house with Eddie and them."
"No, I meant what room, but can you get somewhere quiet so you can talk to me?" I was shaking and trying to get the words out. I was sitting on the ground outside with my head down and my eyes closed, concentrating.
"What's going on?" he asked. It sounded impatient like he expected me to tell him I was having a panic attack.
"We need to break up," I said.
The conversation that followed took about five minutes.
Jacob tried to tell me that I wasn't serious about breaking up with him, and then once I made him see that I was, he got mad and started reminded me of all the things he did for me.
He named specific things that I would not have access to now.
He said I should never try to get back with him because we were finished forever if I did this.
Then he told me what a fool I was for letting the series come between us and how he knew this would happen when I agreed to it.
He also made sure I knew what a big mistake I was making.
He made sure I knew I would really regret it.
I was crying when we hung up the phone, but it didn't take long for me to stop. I felt relief. I felt loss and fear and a certain amount of emptiness, but relief was stronger than all of the negative emotions I was experiencing.
I tried to remember what we had said. The last part of our conversation was so heated that I couldn't even recall how it went.
I halfway wondered if maybe he didn't fully understand, and we weren't broken up.
But we were. We had to be. I knew he understood.
It had just ended with a vague statement from him that had me lacking the feeling of full closure.
My thoughts were back and forth, and I had to assure myself it was finished. I knew I had said enough and ended it, but we had been together for so long that it didn't seem real. Relief was the feeling that grounded me in those moments when everything felt so uncertain.
The sun was high in the sky, and there were no clouds. I was in big sky country, and the sky was big today. I let the bright rays hit my face, feeling the warmth on my skin and trying to be thankful for the relief I felt.
I must've fallen asleep because I didn't hear footsteps approach. I became aware of someone standing over me because it blocked the sun, and things became a lot darker. I jumped, and sunlight streamed into my eyes. I closed them instantly, squinting and shielding my face with my hand.
"Hello?" I said, squinting.
It was Sam.
"What are you doing out here?" he asked.
I blinked. My eyes were still burning a little, but they felt better. He wouldn't even know I had been crying. He had on a baseball cap.
"I love the Dodgers," I said, sitting up and not answering his question. Sam looked like he could have been a baseball player himself. He was a large guy, and he had an athletic build. He sat down next to me, leaving a few feet of space between us, and I tried not to glance at him or notice him.
"You were just lying flat on your back," he said, smiling. "You scared me for a second."
"I know, I think I dozed off," I said. "I didn’t hear you walk up."
"Are you feeling all right? I saw your sister earlier, but you weren't around."
"Yeah, I'm good," I said. I stared at the ground and absentmindedly tore a blade of grass which I started fiddling with. "I, uh, I have regrets about last night, Sam. I'm sorry about that."
"About almost beating me at pool? I'm not mad at you for that. I just need to practice more."
I smiled at him because I knew he was joking. I glanced his way to find that he was smiling too.
"Are you feeling okay today?"
"Yeah… I just rarely have any alcohol when I go out because I'm usually working. But honestly, my apology goes beyond me getting sick. I just feel bad about some other things in general. I'm embarrassed about some things I said, and I was hoping we could start over or whatever."
"Well, I know how that is to regret things you say. God knows, I've said and done some stupid things in my life." He glanced at me with that movie star face. "But you didn't do anything regrettable, Ty," he said sweetly, sincerely. "I'm sorry you got sick is all."
"It's no big deal," I said with a shrug. "I slept well last night, and I feel a lot better now."
"It's relaxing out here," he said, kicking his feet out and staring upward, letting the sun hit his face. With his eyes closed, he took off his cap, letting the warmth hit his face as he basked in the sun. Sam was an ideal man.
He was so wonderful, handsome, and special that I just couldn’t let him know I had broken up with my boyfriend.
The thought of giving him that bit of information made me feel vulnerable and maybe even like I was desperate.
I didn't want him to get the impression that my breakup had anything to do with him.
I wasn't altogether sure that it didn't have to do with Sam, but I would never admit as much to him.
Saying that would be too much pressure. We had only just met, and we needed to maintain a working relationship.
As it stood, I wasn't sure if I was going to tell anyone I had broken up with Jacob. Instead, I changed the subject, and Sam and I began talking about the Dodgers, which led to other topics.
I didn't tell him or anyone else about Jacob.
I kept it to myself for an entire week.
There were a few days of texts from Jacob, and it took a while for me to finally feel closure, even within myself.
We started filming, and all of us got busy, so I just kept it inside.
We rehearsed for and filmed other scenes that didn't require me to be romantic with Sam, so I was never put in a position to come out with the truth for the sake of the series.
My sister noticed a change in me, though, and she started asking questions a week after it happened.
I told her I had broken up with Jacob, but I hadn't told Alex about it or agreed to change the scenes with Sam.
She asked me if things were awkward with Sam and me since that first night, and I assured her they weren't and that nothing had happened with us.
That was the truth. Sam and I hadn't worked together much yet, but when I did see him, we weren't awkward at all.
He was easy and wonderful, and I was relaxed around him.
I was used to being the glue that held things together at events, and Sam was like that here on set with the cast and crew.
It was easy being around him because he was thoughtful, and he noticed things and made sure others were comfortable.
He had just filmed a blockbuster movie. If any of us on set had the right to be stuck up or unapproachable, it would be Sam.
But it was the opposite of the truth. Sam Allison was a genuinely good guy that you couldn't help but like.
He happened to be young, gorgeous, and unattached, and all of the women on set had crushes on him.
There were several handsome guys around, but Sam was extremely popular.
That was another reason why it was difficult for me to tell them I could kiss him now.
It was just all so predictable with how irresistible he was.
At this point, I hadn't told anyone besides my sister, and she was sworn to secrecy.