9 | Samaj
If I didn’t know it before I was more than certain now, how bad I had it for Simone. I genuinely thought things were going great between us—progressing naturally—but maybe I was wrong.
I didn’t want to rush to put a title on what this was, but it never dawned on me that she wasn’t clear on where I stood. Yeah, we were technically “just friends,” but she’s crazy if she thought I was trying to stay in the friend zone.
I didn’t say a word about seeing Simone when I sat back down.
Mom smiled at the menu like all was well in the world.
Like she hadn’t been in a hospital bed days ago with an IV in her arm and a doctor telling us she was lucky to be alive, and I was doing my best to remain cool even though it was weighing heavy on me.
“You Ok, baby?” she asked. Mothers with their superpowers always knew when something was wrong with their child, but I didn’t want to use up the time we finally had together to talk about my love life.
I wanted to get an understanding of where my mom was mentally. Her trying to commit suicide wasn’t something I had brushed under the rug. I was waiting and hoping for an opportunity where we could discuss it and how she had got to that place.
I swallowed the knot in my throat. “Yeah I’m fine.”
She hummed, flipping the page of the menu. “This place is nice. I think I’m going to get the Snapper.”
I forced a smile. “That sounds good.”
“Probably won’t be as good as mine though.
” She winked. Just like that, deflection.
Jokes. A version of her that pretended she was OK when she really wasn’t.
I watched her for a moment, really watched her.
The little tremor in her hand when she lifted her water glass.
The way her eyes darted too quickly, like she didn’t want to sit with any thought for too long.
The way she kept smiling was too wide, too bright.
“Mom… how are you really doing?” I asked quietly.
She froze. Only for a second. Then she shook her head with a small laugh. “Samaj, please. Don’t start. I’m good. I’m eating, I’m sleeping, I’m—”
“You almost died.” My voice cracked more than I wanted it to.
Her shoulders tensed. “We’re not doing this. I said I’m fine.”
“You said that before too,” I snapped before I could stop myself. “And then one day I got a call that—”
“Samaj.” She cut me off, giving me that look she used to use when I was a kid. “I’ve been through this with your dad and I’ll tell you like I told him. I’m fine. Drop it.”
My jaw clenched so hard it hurt. I grew up in a home where we didn’t wear our hearts on our sleeves, and we didn’t talk about our problems. Expressing yourself wasn’t welcomed with open arms. I became used to harboring my feelings and not talking through my pain, but I was now starting to see how much of an issue that all was.
I sat back, staring at my plate when the food came.
I didn’t taste any of it. She talked about random things: some TV show she started watching, a new recipe she wanted to try, how she thought I was getting taller even though I was the same height and size I’ve been for years.
I nodded when I needed to. Gave small smiles here and there.
But inside, I was somewhere else entirely.
Thinking about Simone. Thinking about the look on her face when she saw me. The way she stumbled over her explanation. The way she looked guilty… even though she technically had nothing to be guilty about.
The two women who had my heart—one pretending she wasn’t breaking, the other unknowingly breaking mine.
By the time I dropped Mom off and drove home, my hands were shaking on the steering wheel. I walked inside, shut the door behind me, and just stood there in the dark for a few seconds, breathing hard.
Everything hit me at once. The disappointment.The hurt. The confusion. The fear of losing people I cared about again. The feeling that I was trying so damn hard, and somehow still coming up short.
I leaned against the door and covered my face with both hands, pressing my palms into my eyes until colors flashed behind them. I didn’t know who I was more upset with. Maybe I was simply tired. Tired of carrying everything alone. Tired of trying to be strong when I felt anything but.
The next morning, I wiped the sweat off my forehead with the bottom of my T-shirt, chest still heaving from the last set. Kadeem was at the bench next to me, racking his weights like he was preparing for a bodybuilding competition.
We were at the gym in my apartment complex trying to get a midday workout in.
What I appreciated about Kadeem was that even when I pushed him away—when I tried to battle my pain on my own—he’d always show up.
I didn’t need him to make jokes or listen to me pour my heart out.
Sometimes, having him in my space was enough.
I grabbed my phone to change the playlist, but the Gmail notification on my home screen caught my eye.
Email: Offer Letter – Russell & Reeves Architecture, Union Heights Office
My stomach dropped. I opened it and immediately wished I hadn’t.
Kadeem dropped onto the bench beside me, a towel draped around his neck. “You hittin’ that last set or what?”
“Bro…” I said, turning the phone so he could see. “I just got a job offer in Union Heights. One of the architect firms I interviewed with finally hit me back.”
He raised a brow, took the phone from me, read for maybe five seconds then his whole face lit up.
“Yo! That’s what’s up! Congratulations!” he cheered.
I didn’t respond, instead I locked my phone and dropped it into my pocket. I tried to smile, but it didn’t quite land and when Kadeem noticed his smile faded.
“Why do you look like somebody just told you your dog died? I thought you would've been hyped. This is what you've been working toward. Everything’s falling into place. All of the late nights. All those study groups you dragged me to even though I ain’t even in the same major as you.”
“That was one time,” I muttered.
“Two,” he corrected. “But still. This is what you’ve been talking about for the last year. Wasn’t this the plan?”
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “It was.”
“Was?” Kadeem glanced over the mid-sip of his water.
I sat back on the bench, elbows on my knees, staring at the floor.
“It was the plan,” I said quietly. “But… now I’m not so sure.”
He raised a brow. “Let me guess. Does it have anything to do with Simone?”
I didn’t even try to deny it.
He let out this long, low whistle. “So, you’re really in deep, huh?”
I rubbed a hand over my face. “Bro, I’m not going to lie. My head is all messed up right now. I saw Simone out on a date with some guy last night. I’m thinking we’re building something, and she’s got one foot in and one foot out apparently.”
“Damn. I didn’t know Simone was a G like that.” He said putting his weights back on the rack. “In all seriousness though. You just have to tell her what’s up. Relationships take communication or at least that’s what I’ve been told.”
“I haven’t even told her I might be moving, that my parents are divorcing and selling the house. I kept thinking I’d tell her once things were more certain but now I don’t know.”
“That’s wild. You be with the girl damn near every day and you didn’t think to tell her anything?
” Kadeem was the smartest and craziest guy I knew.
He joked around so much that most people never got the opportunity to see just how levelheaded he really was.
He was honest and gave pretty good advice from time to time.
“A part of me is ready to keep my guard up and just say forget it.”
“Cap. You ain’t got to lie to me Craig.” Kadeem said, quoting a popular line from the movie Friday.
“For someone who ain’t never taken a woman seriously you sure know a lot about relationships.” I said half joking.
“I was binge watching A Different World. Really great show, by the way. You should watch it.” he said as he took out a protein bar from his pocket and started snacking.
“Relationships complicate things. I really don’t even have the energy for all of that right now and then it’d be long distance and those things never work. I need to focus on graduation next weekend, then relocating a few weeks after that.” I said with finality although I was still unsure.
“I hear you bro.” Kadeem muttered. He grabbed his towel, slinging it over his shoulder.
“Long distance works if both people put in the work so if you change your mind and decide you want to keep building a relationship with Simone beyond a friendship do that and make it clear to her. I ain’t never seen you as happy as you are around her.
Some of the things you’ve dealt with in the last few months may continue hurting for a while, but Simone brings something good to your life. Some of us deserve a little happiness.”
“You don’t think you deserve to be happy?” I asked.
He shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe but I’m going to let you go first.”
I wrestled with my thoughts for two days before deciding to take Kadeem’s advice. I called Simone and told her I’d pick her up for dinner around seven.
She stepped out of her house wearing a white blouse, a short orange and white skirt and orange heels that tied around her ankles.
Her hair pulled into that neat bun that I loved.
Her toned legs were on full display, and I could do nothing but admire her.
She smiled when she saw me, and there it was.
That warmth that had been pulling me in since the first day she left that note on my windshield.
“Hey,” she said softly.
“Hey, you look nice.”
“Thank you, so do you.” We hugged before I opened the car door to let her in.
I could tell during the ride that she was nervous. We hadn’t spoken since I saw her the other night. I had already taken my finals and hadn’t been back on campus since.
She must have gotten tired of the silence. “Did you block my phone number?”
“Yeah.” I admitted to being a little embarrassed by how far I took things. I blocked her number as soon as I sat back down at the table with my mom. It was probably immature, but I told myself I needed time to process everything swirling around in my head.
“Samaj, going out with Ryan honestly didn’t mean anything, I should’ve canceled like I wanted to, but that same night I told him that I wouldn’t be going out with him again.”
“You did that for me or for you?”
“I’m not perfect, Samaj. I can admit that I only went out with him because I had already told him I would a couple of days prior, but I’m not interested in being with him, so I did that for me.”
I believed her, so I nodded and continued driving. A few moments later I added “By the way, you don’t have anything to be sorry about. I was in my feelings, but you did nothing wrong by going out with him.”
The rest of the ride went on in silence with the exception of the music playing in the background.
She looked confused when we pulled up to the valet twenty minutes later.
“You brought me back to the same restaurant?”
“I feel like we need a do-over. I can’t have your last memory here be of us falling out. Plus, I noticed you left before even getting your main course and I honestly don’t even remember what I ordered.”
“Ok.” She smiled as I grabbed her hand, and we walked into the restaurant.
“You okay?” she asked once we were in the restaurant, menus in hand. “You’re quiet.”
“Yeah,” I said, even though it was only half true.
“Just thinking about a lot.”
She tilted her head. “You want to talk about it?”
I set my menu down.
“There’s something I need to talk to you about. A few things, actually.” I said, clearing my throat.
Her eyes widened a little. “Okay… that sounds serious.”
“It is. But I don’t want you to panic. My parents are getting a divorce.”
Her face softened instantly. “Samaj, I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “They made the decision when we were at the hospital. They’re selling our house too.”
She reached across the table, placing her hand over mine. “I had no idea you were dealing with that. I can’t imagine how hard that’s been.”
“That’s the other part.” I turned my hand over and held hers, needing the contact.
“I kept thinking I’d tell you once everything settled. Once I wasn’t so confused and pissed and whatever else. I didn’t want to unload all that on you.”
“But I wanted to be there for you,” she whispered.
“That’s what we’re doing, right? Showing up for each other?”
I nodded. “There’s one more thing.”
She seemed to hold her breath.
“I got a job offer today. From a firm in Union Heights.”
Her lips parted, as her eyes searched mine, searching. “Union Heights, California… as in across the country?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.” She pulled her hand back slowly, folding them in her lap like she needed to hold herself together.
“Were you planning on taking it?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I thought I knew. Before you, I thought I had my whole future mapped out. But then you came in and… Simone, my happiest moments lately have all been with you.”
Her eyes slowly lifted to mine.
“I like what we’re building,” I continued.
“I know it hasn’t been long, but I care about you.
And I don’t want us to build this connection on half-truths, secrets, or uncertainties.
That’s why I’m telling you everything now.
You deserve honesty from me, and you deserve me to make my intentions plain and clear. ”
She didn’t speak right away. She simply traced the condensation on her water glass with her finger.
“What do you want?” she finally asked, voice quiet but steady.
“You,” I said without hesitation. “And a future that includes you in it. Whatever that looks like. But I also want to make choices we both won’t resent later.”
Her cheeks warmed with a mixture of surprise and emotion. “I think you should take the job. If it’s what you want and what you’ve been working for you deserve the chance to live that out. Landing a job in your career right before you graduate is a huge blessing.” she whispered.
I reached for her hand again. This time, she let me hold it.
“No lies. No secrets. Just us being honest and choosing each other.”
Simone finally exhaled, shoulders sagging in relief as her thumb brushed the back of my hand.
“I would like that. And thank you for telling me, “She said softly. “For trusting me with this.”