Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
Ezra
Remembering the kisses with Skylar took up all my thoughts for days.
It had been hot and sweet, and he’d felt so good against my lips and under my hands. I’d forgotten where we were, overwhelmed by his smell, the sexy noises while we took turns tasting each other’s mouths, and the soft bristles and silky longer strands of his hair. I’d never wanted to stop, until he pushed his ass into my hand, silently asking me to touch it.
Then I panicked, because I didn’t know how things worked between two men.
I got that it probably usually started with kissing and ended with touching each other’s dicks in some way, but the steps between those two things were a total mystery to me.
With women, there were bases, and even if that was juvenile, it was a reasonable template. Just having it in the back of my mind as a starting point had always made it easier for me to be comfortable if the woman I was with wanted to do things in a totally different way or order. Some women hadn’t wanted to receive oral and some hadn’t seemed too into kissing. All of that was fine and if I’d worried it was a criticism of my appeal or skills, well, that was my problem and I respected everyone’s boundaries and preferences of course.
With Skylar, clearly we agreed on kissing, but what about everything else?
“Fuck it,” I mumbled, and called Xerox even though we hadn’t talked in weeks.
“Ezra?” he exclaimed, sounding panicked. “What’s wrong? Is it the kids?”
Feeling the band of worry around my chest loosen, I still hurried to reassure him, “There’s no emergency. Can’t a man call his old friend if he feels like it?”
Xerox groaned and then said, “More like only old people call, period. The only time someone other than my mom calls me, they’re in the shit or they’re drunk. Or both.”
“Well, I’m not drunk,” I assured him.
“I can hear you pacing all the way in Denver.”
I jolted to a stop, feeling a momentary tug of guilt that he knew me so well and I hadn’t called him because it wasn’t as easy as it used to be, as if he owed me that.
“I don’t know why I called,” I sighed.
“Look, I know I’ve been busy, but I was teasing. You can call anytime.”
I started to pace again, needing a way to bleed out the nervous energy.
Talking to my kids about Skylar was one thing, but telling Xerox when we weren’t as close now was a different animal. I didn’t think he’d have a problem, but if he did, it would be the nail in the coffin of our friendship, even if nothing else ever happened with Skylar.
I looked out at the mountains on the horizon. “I’m developing feelings for someone.”
There was a thin, stretched-out silence, and then Xerox said impatiently, “ And ?”
“His name’s Skylar, he’s new in town, a reporter. I?—”
My words were cut off by a guffaw from Xerox, my vocal chords clamping down.
Without hesitation, I hung up on him.
One of my hands clenched into a fist and my pacing got faster as I tried to breathe.
When my phone rang the first time, I ignored it, but when it immediately rang again, I picked it up. “Fuck off, Xerox. That was hard to tell you and you laughed at me.”
And I hung up again, then went to get a big-ass drink. Once I had it, I sprawled out on the porch glider, one leg thrown over the back and one over the arm. My skull dug into the other side, since it was just a simple thing made of wood with thin all-weather cushions under my ass. But I didn’t care about that discomfort, it was nothing like how hurt I was about Xerox’s reaction. Trying to let it all wash away, I drank and swung gently and watched the snow-capped mountains fifteen miles away as the sun finished sinking behind them.
An hour or so later, a truck roared down the street, then screeched to a halt nearby.
Its door slammed a second later, and then Xerox roared, “Goddammit, Ezra!”
Lifting my head up, I squinted at him as he stomped across the yard. “You’re… here?”
“Goddammit,” he repeated, leaning over and hauling me upright, his hair tickling my nose and making me sneeze. “I didn’t mean to laugh at you, I swear. It was just…” He fidgeted from foot to foot. “Look, I… I thought that you might be…”
“What?” I demanded. Whatever it was, I needed him to spit it out, because this was strange and awkward and I didn’t even know what this was. “You thought I’m what?”
“Gay,” he blurted out.
I reared back so powerfully in surprise that the glider lifted off the porch before smacking down again.
“It was one of the reasons I moved.”
All the blood drained out of my face and I croaked, “ What .”
“I don’t have a problem with it,” he said, fidgeting some more. “It’s just that… Look, Jordan and I thought maybe you had kind of a thing for me, but you never said anything and you weren’t really dating anyone else or whatever, and I wanted you to find someone.”
“You talked to Jordan about this?” I whispered. “Behind my back? My ex ?”
“It wasn’t like that. I’ve been friends with Jordan since before you were, so don’t act like it’s not okay for us to talk,” he said, his voice rising. “But it seemed like maybe you hadn’t realized yet, and it’s not okay to out someone to themself!”
My mouth fell open in complete shock and my throat worked as I made a gurgling kind of noise, blindsided and embarrassed. “I never had a thing for you,” I finally shoved out.
Xerox frowned. “Are you sure?”
“I would know, wouldn’t I?” I snapped, shoving him back so I could stand up too. He was taller and I glared up at him, horrified that he’d felt that way and changed everything so drastically instead of just asking me. “I’ve never been into a man before Skylar.”
“Okay,” he said, still sounding doubtful.
His doubt gnawed at me, tore into me, and I would have stormed inside if Skylar hadn’t brought up the same thing with his whole Brokeback reference. Yeah, I’d looked it up later on and felt myself flush hard at the idea he’d thought that was what had been going on. So I took a deep breath and tried to think about it, when I’d never looked too hard before.
Wincing, I mumbled, “You’re just my only real friend. Adult friend.”
Xerox’s shoulders slumped and he muttered, “Shit, Ezra.”
“And yeah, things weren’t always right with Jordan, but we were friends first, and when we broke up, I lost that too. I never fit in right with people other than you two.”
“I…”
“It’s not your job to drag me around and make me be social with your friends,” I said, realizing as I said it that maybe that was how he’d always felt about our relationship. “And maybe if you’d stayed in town, I wouldn’t have even paid any attention to Skylar.”
“Because I’m so handsome and exciting?” he joked a little weakly.
“No, you asshole, because I didn’t know how lonely I was until you moved.”
He blew out a breath and looked pained. “I’m sorry, man. I didn’t realize.”
“Yeah, well, me either, I guess.”
I looked down at my feet and didn’t know what else to say. I was still embarrassed, and a little hurt that he and Jordan had discussed this without trying to talk to me about it. But the silence now wasn’t awkward or stretched thin, it was just heavy.
“So,” Xerox finally said. “You got a picture of this guy?”
My head snapped up and I found him smiling a little. “Yeah,” I said, “he took like a thousand when we went camping and sent me half of them.” I reached for my phone next to the glider and opened my photos, scrolling past more recent photos of the kids to find them. It took me a minute to find one he’d snapped of both of us with the hot springs behind us.
I held it up to him, resisting the urge to chew my lip nervously.
He studied it seriously and then met my eyes. “He looks like a happy person.”
“He is.”
“Well, God knows your stoic ass could use some happy in it.”
His eyes flew wide and we both froze, and then we both busted up laughing, and with one unintentional sex pun, we were back to normal again. I punched his shoulder and opened the door, and we went inside to grab more drinks and catch up on everything.