Atlas
Chapter Fifteen
Maizyn storms off after Gavin, and even though I want to do nothing more than follow them and listen to the conversation, I give them their space.
I feel like this is something they have to figure out on their own.
I know she is my girlfriend. In a normal situation, I would be right beside her, but if I intervene right now, they will never work this out.
They are both so stubborn that my involvement will cause them both to shut down and avoid the conversation entirely.
I tuck myself back into my underpants and fasten my jeans back up. This did not go the way I planned it.
I thought we were heading in the right direction with how everything played out.
Gavin needs to figure out what he wants.
While it’s pretty clear to me that he feels something for Maizyn, he has to get out of his own way.
He could have walked away, but didn’t. He chose to be a part of what just happened and then ran as soon as it was over.
He is fighting with himself. He hasn’t outright told me that he is struggling with something, but I am not blind.
I have known the man long enough to know something is wrong; I just figured he would tell me when he was ready.
It’s not good for him to keep everything bottled up.
Hell, it’s not good for Maizyn either. I want to go and tell Gavin he is being stupid, but I need to see where Maizyn stands after what just happened.
It all depends on her. If she wants something with Gavin too, then I will do what I can to make it happen, but if it’s not what she wants, I won’t push the situation ever again.
I might think I know what is best for both of them, yet I’m not delusional enough to think that I am always right. I have proven that I have gotten it wrong in the past. I hear Gavin’s door slam shut. I take that as my sign to go check on Maizyn.
I round the corner and almost run into her.
Her shoulders are slumped and she is wiping her red-rimmed eyes.
Shit. Whatever Gavin said hurt her feelings.
Maybe I should have waited until she wasn't so emotionally raw to push this. What if I ruined everything because she wasn’t ready for it?
I pull her to my chest, kissing the top of her head and rubbing small circles on her back until I feel her relax.
“You okay, Chaos?” My voice is hesitant. I know she won’t talk to me if she is not in the mood for conversation, so I want to tread lightly.
“Just fucking peachy.” The small hiccup that follows portrays otherwise, but I don’t press it. If I add focus to the fact that I know she is the opposite of fine, she will refuse to talk to me about how she is actually feeling.
“I know you might not feel like talking, but I need to know where you're at right now… with everything that just happened.” I make sure my tone stays low and measured, even if my emotions are all over the place right now.
“Take this stupid thing off of me, then we can talk.” She lifts her right hand, showing me the metal cuff that is still attached to her. I let out a small laugh as I fish the key from my pocket and unlock it from her wrist.
“Do you want to tell me why you were crying? Did you not like what happened? You know, all you had to do was say your safe word; everything would have stopped. You had full control of the situation.”
She pauses as if thinking about how to answer my series of questions. While I think she enjoyed it, her silence makes me anxious. I never want to put her in a situation she is not comfortable in.
Her cheeks turn pink and I let out a sigh of relief. “No. Uh. Nothing like that. I enjoyed it. It’s just so confusing.” She fidgets with her fingers, wringing her hands together in exasperation.
“What’s confusing?” I keep my tone as even as possible. I don’t want my emotions to dictate how this conversation goes. I want her to trust me enough to be completely honest.
“Gavin. Everything about him. He is so hot and cold. I don’t even know why I care. I shouldn’t feel anything for him.” Her words come out strained as she tries to convey what she is thinking.
“You’re allowed to care, Chaos.”
“But why do I?” Her voice cracks on the last word. It makes me want to punch Gavin for making her feel this.
“Do you like him?” My voice comes out smooth even though I feel like I am walking a tightrope.
She shakes her head vigorously, panic igniting in her emerald green eyes as they begin to water again. I hate that she is fighting with herself on how she should feel.
“Hey, relax. I’m a grown man. I can handle the truth, baby girl.”
“You know you are my yellow Atlas; I want to be with you.” The words wobble on her tongue as they come out.
“That's not what I asked, Maizyn.”
Her eyebrows scrunch, but the fact that I used her actual name means I have her undivided attention. “Then what are you asking?”
I step towards her, placing my hands on her waist. I want to comfort her, not make her feel trapped in this conversation. I swallow dryly, steeling myself before finally asking the question that has been on my mind for two weeks now. “Do you see yourself with both of us?”
She flinches at my question, her eyes looking anywhere but at me.
Bringing her hand up to her mouth, she begins chewing the skin on her thumb.
I know she is close to panicking. I need to bring her anxiety back down in a way that allows me to still get the answers I need.
I slip one hand under the hem of her shirt, trailing my fingers across her skin to ground her.
My other hand gently grips her chin, pulling her focus back to me.
Pulling her thumb from her mouth, I place a kiss on the angry flesh she was chewing on before guiding her hand to rest on my chest before returning my hand to her chin, rubbing my thumb across her lower lip before pulling her closer to me, tilting her chin to give me access to her neck.
I kiss at the base of her throat, trailing kisses up her neck, nipping behind her ear, then planting a kiss on her lips.
She deepens the kiss immediately, pouring all her emotions into it.
Her hand on my chest, fist my shirt in a death grip as she pulls me impossibly closer.
Matching her energy, I pull her against me.
She gasps as she feels how my body reacts to her, my hard length pressing against her.
I use her gasp to my advantage, slipping my tongue between her plush lips.
Her tongue tangles with mine as she reaches to touch me through my pants.
Shit. This is going too far. I break the kiss, leaving us both panting as I pull away.
I try rewording my question differently.
“You don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to.
But there really is no wrong way to answer this.
I just want to check in with you to see where your head is at.
I promise it’s not a trick question and nothing you say right now could upset me, but is there any part of you that would like to explore things with him? ”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to do anything to risk losing you.” She says it so quietly I almost miss it.
“I wouldn’t have pushed this if I wasn’t okay with it, Chaos. I just want you happy.”
“It’s not like it matters what I want anyway.” She sounds pessimistic and it kills me.
“Why would you say that?”
She throws her arms up in frustration before pointing in the direction Gavin just went. “Gavin made it clear that it was a mistake and he regretted everything.”
“I don’t think that’s the case. I think he has shit he needs to work out first that doesn’t have anything to do with you.”
“How do you know?” Her brows furrow in confusion, but I don’t miss the doubt hiding beneath it.
I give her a knowing look. “I’ve known him long enough to learn that instead of dealing with things properly, he'd rather avoid them altogether. There is no reason to stress this right now. How about we get you to bed? We can figure everything out another day. I can even talk to him soon to gauge where he is at with everything, if you want me to? Until then, just let him come to you.”
“Sleep sounds nice right now, yes to all of that. Let’s go to bed.
” I can see how tired she is, both mentally and physically, after everything she went through today.
I lift her off the ground, wrapping her legs around my waist, and carry her into our room.
Dropping her feet back to the ground, I help her maneuver out of her clothes before pulling my T-shirt off and slipping it over her head so she can wear it as a nightgown.
I pull the blankets back for her so she can climb into bed.
After discarding my jeans, I slide into bed next to her and pull her to my chest. It’s been a long day; I know I won’t be able to get any sleep unless she is in my arms. Tomorrow I can come up with a plan and talk to Gavin.
Tonight I just want to sleep next to her.
We lay in silence long enough that I assume she is asleep.
I finally let myself relax completely. Just as I am about to fall asleep, I hear it.
A broken cry muffled on an exhale. I brush her hair out of her face, ready to console her, but her eyelids are firmly closed and don't even flutter at my touch.
She is crying in her sleep. I pull her closer to me, rubbing small circles across her back.
Doing anything I can think of to comfort her besides waking her.
I hate that she won't talk to me. I hate that she only lets herself be fragile when she is asleep.
How am I supposed to help her if she won't tell me what needs to be fixed?
It doesn't even have to be me she talks to, just someone.
I don't think keeping everything bottled in is helping her in any way and it's killing me.
I hold her for hours while she tosses and turns in her sleep.
I'm exhausted, but I can't go to sleep in case she needs me.
Not while she seems trapped in a nightmare.
I want to wake her up, but I read somewhere that it's best to let the person work through it unless they are at risk of hurting themselves.
So instead, I hold her until the nightmare finally goes away before finally drifting off to sleep.