Chapter 8
Finn was very pleased to hear they’d had such a good day, and very envious of their lunch.
‘I had beans,’ he told Jade when Sarah had gone and they were alone.
‘Beans on toast is nice.’
‘There wasn’t any bread, so it was just beans.’
‘There’s a nice seeded loaf in the freezer.’
‘Well, I couldn’t find it.’
‘That’s probably because you had a man look. I bet I can find it.’
He laughed good-naturedly and was amused when Jade told him about Mr B’s unusual choice of insults for the government. ‘Sarah googled zounderkite when we were having lunch. Apparently it was in popular use in Victorian times.’
‘Interesting.’ Finn frowned. ‘Do you remember when we first met him and he gave us a tour of his kitchen?’
‘Vaguely. Why?’
‘He had a sign up over the cooker that said, “There shall be no cussing in my kitchen.” I thought it was odd at the time because kitchens are usually a hotbed of swearing. Or at least they’re portrayed that way on telly. I’ve never actually worked in one!’
‘There was quite a bit of swearing in Mum’s hotel kitchens,’ Jade said reflectively.
‘A lot of it by my mother. She was a perfectionist and not many of her staff could live up to her impossibly high standards.’ I couldn’t either, she added silently to herself.
She shrugged that unsettling thought away.
It had been too lovely a day for unsettling thoughts about either of her absent parents.
‘I don’t remember the no cussing sign,’ she told Finn. Not that she doubted he had seen it. He inhaled details like that. It was what made his paintings so good. He didn’t miss anything. ‘So do you think Mr B substitutes Victorian insults for swear words?’
‘I reckon he might. You could ask Zoe.’
‘I’m not sure if I’m up for that. It seems a bit cheeky. But I bet Sarah is.’
Sarah said she was definitely up for it and a few days after they’d been to the Bluebell Cliff she WhatsApped Jade an image of a handwritten list of words with the message:
Here’s a list of Victorian insults from Zoe. I wish we’d known about these before. We could have got Ben to teach Mr Spock! How is Mr Spock by the way?
Jade scanned the list. Zoe had also added the meanings. As well as zounderkite, which was at the top of the list and as Mr B had said meant bumbling fool, there were several others.
Zounderkite – bumbling fool.
Pediculous – lice infested.
Fopdoodle – a description for someone who’s stupid or insignificant.
Ninnyhammer – a fool or silly person. Shortened to ninny in more modern times.
Ructabunde – someone who’s very fond of the sound of their own voice.
Coccydynia – someone who’s a pain in the butt.
Morosoph – someone who’s clever but has no common sense.
Rampallian – a good-for-nothing scoundrel.
Quidnunc – someone who’s very nosy and wants to know everyone’s business.
Hicismus – someone with smelly armpits.
Jade phoned Sarah to thank her for sending the list.
‘It’s hilarious. And Mr Spock is fine, thanks for asking. Malcolm sent me a message yesterday to say things were progressing slowly between him and Talky Tallulah.’
Jade had also rung Phoebe Dashwood, a vet who ran Puddleduck Pets, a rescue in the New Forest, because Mr Spock had originally come from them. Phoebe had also been delighted to hear of the parrot’s new home.
‘I love that list.’ Sarah’s voice brought Jade back to the present.
‘The last insult on it is Ben’s favourite.
Although none of us know how to pronounce it so he says hissy-missy-mus.
He thinks it’s hilarious because no one knows what it means.
Except Callum and me, of course. Callum’s got the brunt of it so far, but no doubt he’ll try it out on his dad when he’s with you next.
You might want to give Finn the heads up. ’
‘I will.’ Jade glanced at the calendar on the fridge. Finn circled Ben’s stays with a black pen and the next one was this coming weekend. ‘Are you dropping him and Chocko off on Friday or is Finn picking them up?’
‘I’ll drop them off. See you Friday.’
Finn had been worried that Ben might not want to see him so regularly once the novelty of having a new dad had worn off. They had only properly met eighteen months ago, but luckily it hadn’t happened.
They got on amazingly well, although like Jade, Finn was under no illusion that Ben came to the rescue just to see him. The animals were a huge lure too.
When Sarah dropped off their son to Duck Pond Cottage on Friday, he seemed slightly more subdued than usual though and when Ben was taking his bag upstairs to his room and Mickey and Chocko were greeting each other with little yips and wagging tails, Finn took the chance to have a quiet word with Sarah.
‘He had a fight with a boy at school yesterday. Ben didn’t start it from what I gather and it was all sorted out later, but maybe he’s still upset.’ She frowned. ‘They did make up and shake hands, but I think Ben’s still smarting. He might tell you more than he told us.’
‘It wasn’t to do with the Victorian swear words, was it? Jade mentioned something about that.’
‘I don’t think so. I think it started because of a maths test.’ Concern flashed in her eyes. ‘As you know it’s never been his favourite subject.’
‘I’ll see what he says,’ Finn promised, and then shut up, because Ben was coming back downstairs, looking a bit more cheerful than he had when he’d first arrived.
‘Dad, is it OK if I take Chocko and Mickey down to the dog field for a walk?’
‘I don’t see why not. Let me check with Jade that all the kennel dogs have had their evening walks though first.’
Ben nodded, and hopped from foot to foot impatiently. Jade, who’d come in from reception when she’d seen Sarah’s car, said that yes, it was fine, all the kennel dogs had been walked, and then said that she and Sarah had a couple of things to discuss about the hen night.
Finn glanced at his son. ‘I’ll walk down with you and the dogs,’ he murmured. ‘There’s a bit of fencing I want to check on.’
This wasn’t entirely true, but Finn had a feeling that Ben was more likely to talk to him if they walked together.
A few minutes later they were strolling around the perimeter of the dog field.
Mickey and Chocko, who were similar heights, although Mickey was a fairly stout brown cockerpoo and Chocko was a fairly slim brown lurcher, were trotting ahead of them, occasionally stopping to sniff a patch of yellow grass.
It had been a hot dry summer so far, with record high temperatures, and the ground was parched and cracked.
Finn decided a direct question would work better than subtlety so he dived straight in. ‘Is everything OK at school? Your mum said you had a maths test the other day. How did that go?’
‘Yeah, that was OK. I didn’t come last.’
‘Where did you come?’
‘Third from last.’
‘I’m sure we can improve on that with some practice. Maybe I can help?’
‘OK, but it wasn’t an important one. I can catch up in the next one.’
There was a little silence and Finn didn’t break it, knowing from experience that Ben was likely to say more if he had the space to do it.
After a few moments with only the thudding of their feet on the hard ground and the sounds of distant traffic going along the road that bordered Duck Pond Rescue, Ben added quietly, ‘I got into a fight.’
‘Oh? How’s that then?’
‘It wasn’t my fault, Dad. It was Niall. He’s such an idiot.’
Again, Finn waited for Ben to expand on this and eventually he did. ‘He said I was thick. But I’m not. It’s just that maths isn’t my favourite subject and it’s not important because I’m not going to be an accountant.’
‘O… kaaay.’ Finn drew out the word. ‘So what happened next?’
‘I told him he was a morosoph and he didn’t know what that meant, so I told him.’
‘What does it mean?’ Finn racked his brains, trying to remember the list Jade had shown him.
‘It means someone’s clever but has no common sense. It’s the exact description for Niall. He doesn’t have any common sense. And I’m not just being nasty. It’s true. He says chickens don’t lay eggs.’
‘OK. So where does he think eggs come from?’
‘Tesco’s.’ Ben kicked the dusty ground. ‘He thinks chickens come from Tesco’s too. But he also says they’re made in laboratories from cells. His dad’s a scientist and he told him that. But he’s wrong, isn’t he, Dad?’
Finn hesitated. What a minefield. Nothing was simple, these days. And he wasn’t sure how to answer. He began with some of the simple facts.
‘Well, as we know, chickens do lay eggs. But then the eggs do go to supermarkets to be sold. So you’re both right in that respect.’
‘But I’m more right, aren’t I? Because chickens lay the eggs before they go to Tesco’s. And anyway chickens definitely aren’t made in laboratories.’ He scoffed. ‘They hatch out from eggs, don’t they? I’ve seen them with my own eyes.’
‘Yes, they do.’
Ben looked triumphant. ‘Everyone knows that.’
‘However, I think that scientists have also started to make chickens and other animals from cells in laboratories. We could probably check that online.’
‘Puh,’ Ben said so loudly that Chocko looked round at him in alarm, ears pricked above her delicately pointed snout.
‘Why would you want to even do that when you can get them from eggs? It’s ridiculous.
’ He stood stock still on the path and gave Finn a look of such incredulity that Finn was tempted to laugh.
He restrained himself. Laughing definitely wouldn’t help.
‘I totally agree with you, as it happens.’ He paused. ‘I think sometimes people do things just because it’s possible to do them.’
‘They’re crazy.’
‘I’m not disagreeing with you there either, son.’
Ben looked pleased. ‘Anyway, that wasn’t what started the fight.’
‘Oh. So what did then?’
‘Niall said dogs are dumb and you can’t have a dog as your best friend.
And I said that made him even more stupid because everyone knows dogs are man’s best friend.
Aren’t they, Dad?’ He glanced at Finn for more confirmation.
‘Everley agrees with me. She says Cooper’s always been her best friend.
And I googled it too, so I know it’s true.
Anyway, Mum’s got it on a fridge magnet. ’
Finn could only nod at the indisputable logic of this. ‘And is that when he hit you?’
‘No, it’s when I hit him…’
Finn stared at him in shock.
‘Whaaaaat…?’ Ben made his eyes go as wide as he could. ‘I was only defending Chocko’s honour. She is my best friend. And he can’t say she isn’t. She listens to everything I say and she loves me, and I love her. More than anything. Much more than a human.’
On hearing her name, Chocko came running back to her young master, and Ben gave her a treat and handed another one to Mickey who’d followed her, with an expectant look on his face.
‘Sometimes, being the bigger man’s about not using your fists. It’s about biting your lip and walking away,’ Finn ventured.
‘Yeah, I know.’
‘And you apologised to Niall afterwards, right?’ Finn was hoping he could salvage something good to tell Sarah, who hadn’t said anything about Ben being the perpetrator of the fight.
‘Yes, because otherwise we’d have had to do detention.
I didn’t mean it though. I still think Niall’s a morosoph.
And a hissy-missy-mus. I told him that too when we were on our own.
’ He wrinkled his nose. ‘And I wasn’t lying, Dad.
He does have smelly armpits. I was only telling the truth.
He’s a total hissy-missy-missy-mus! Hissy-missy-missy-mus, mus.
’ Ben overemphasised the strange word and danced around, sniffing the air for dramatic effect, and Finn bit his lip, trying not to laugh.
Being a parent was a minefield. Sarah had said that plenty of times and he knew she was right, but until now he hadn’t had as much direct experience of it as she had.
He decided to talk to Jade. Sarah was like him, she tended to take Ben’s side in everything and she’d defend him to the death, even if he was in the wrong. He guessed that’s what biological parents were programmed to do – defend and protect, no matter what the circumstances.
Jade, who loved Ben dearly, but wasn’t his mother, was usually able to take a more neutral approach. Thank goodness for Jade and her quiet wisdom.